Friday humour - August 07, 2009


[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]

G'day

It's been a bad week for the Leader of Her Majesty's Opposition in Oz.  The
Honourable Malcolm Turnbull belatedly came clean on meeting with a public
service whistleblower and going through a scripted dress rehearsal of what
would be said at a Senate Investigations Committee.  Mind you, he only came
clean because the unreliable whistleblower outed him.

In his enthusiasm, The Great Man tried to bring down a Prime Minister and a
Treasurer on the basis of a story concocted by a Liberal voting senior
public servant who's now recovering in the psychiatric ward at Canberra
Hospital.

Did Mr Turnbullsh*t really believe in his own mind that the PM and Treas
would jeopardise their integrity all over a stupid utility worth a few
thousand dollars (properly) donated to the previous Opposition Leader?
Apparently so.

It shows a huge lack of judgement, particularly from someone who was
supposed to be an astute and successful lawyer and barrister before doing
a bit of branch stacking in one of Australia's richest electorates in his
quest for the top job.

Sorry Malcolm ...   Maybe in your next life ...


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First up this from Diks

ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT THE PUBLIC GOLF COURSE ( Amherst , Mass. )


  Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:    What are your green fees?
  Staff:     38 dollars.
  Caller:   Does that include golf?


  Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:    Yes, I need to get some information from you.  First, is this
              your correct phone number?


  Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:    Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the
              weather going to be like that day?


  Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:    Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late.
              Can you still get me out early?


  Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:    Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket
of               golf balls and hit them for practice?
  Staff:     You mean a driving range?
  Caller:   No, that's not it..,,,


  Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:    Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12
               o'clock and noon.
  Staff:      Between 12 o'clock and noon?
  Caller:    Yes.
  Staff:      We'll try to squeeze you in.


  Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:    Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
  Staff:      Yes, we have one at 10:15.
  Caller:    What's the next time after that?
  Staff:      We have one at 10:22.
  Caller:    We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.


  Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:   How much to play golf today?
  Staff:     25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
  Caller:   38 dollars?
  Staff:     No, 38 yen.


  Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:   What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
  Staff:     What time would you like?
  Caller:   What times do you have?
  Staff:     What time of the day?
  Caller:   Any time.
  Staff:     Morning or afternoon?
  Caller:   Whenever.
  Staff:     We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the      
         afternoon.  Would you like me to read the whole list?
  Caller:   No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.


  Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:   Do you have a dress code?
  Staff:     Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
  Caller:   How about clothes?
  Staff:     Yes, you have to wear clothes.


  Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:   Yes, do you have a driving range there?
  Staff:     Yes.
  Caller:   How much for a bucket of large balls?
  Staff:     Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice
              as many small balls for the same price.


  Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:   Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
  Staff:     Sure, what time would you like?
  Caller:   Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock.  In the morning, if
             possible.


  Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:   Do you rent golf clubs there?
  Staff:     Yes, they're 25 dollars.
  Caller:   How much to rent a bag?


  Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:   Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me
he's               on the 15th hole.
              How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to
the 18th?


  Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:   Yes, do you have a driving range there?
  Staff:     Yes.
  Caller:   How much for a large bucket?
  Staff:     Four dollars.
  Caller:   Does that include the balls?


  Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:   Do you have a twilight rate?
  Staff:     Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
  Caller:   And what time does that start?


  Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:   Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.
  Staff:     OK, what would you like to know?
  Caller:   I don't know, that's why I called.


  Staff:    Golf course, may I help you?
  Caller:  My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said
            they stole them from your driving range.  Would you like to buy
them back?


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This stuff is from Nottingham Smithie

                          Another Good Housekeeping Tip

Always keep several get well cards on the mantle ... so if unexpected
guests arrive, they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.


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                           Proof reading a dying art

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial
Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the
editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a
correction the next day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian

Takes Over What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A while

Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?
---------------- ---------------------------------

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!
---------------- ---------------------------------

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?


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                       REVENGE ON THE TELEMARKETER

Three Little Words That Work!!

(1) The three little words: 'Hold On, Please...' Saying this, while putting
down your phone and walking off ( instead of hanging-up immediately) would
make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room
sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear BT's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's
time to go back and hang up your handset ..... you have efficiently
completed your task. These three little words could help eliminate
telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other
end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and
records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is then used to determine the best time of day for a 'real'
salesperson to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after
answering: If you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start
hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible.
This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number
out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their
system any longer!!!

(3) When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything
from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw
away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes, right? It costs
them more than the regular postage 'IF' and when they are returned. It
costs them nothing if you throw them away! In that case, why not get rid
of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little,
postage-prepaid return envelopes.

Send an advert for your local chimney sweeper to American Express .. they
might need one! Send a pizza coupon to HSBC ... in case their canteen
packs up. You get the idea. If you didn't get anything else that day, then
just send them back their blank application form ... after all, it is their
form!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything
you return.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them
guessing! It still costs them, and it is their envelope after all .. you
are just returning it!!!!

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their
own junk back in the post, but folks ..... we need to OVERWHELM them, in
order to stop them.

Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of
all they're paying for it ... Twice!

Let's help keep Royal Mail busy. Since the Royal Mail are saying that
e-mail is cutting into their business profits, let's help them so they
will not need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work

Maybe you'll get very little junk mail anymore.


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                     Tommy (with apologies to Kipling)

                         Written by Patrick Campbell

They flew me 'ome from Baghdad with a bullet in me chest.
Cos they've closed the army 'ospitals, I'm in the NHS.
The nurse, she ain't no Britisher an' so she ain't impressed.
It's like I'm some street corner thug who's come off second best.
Yes, it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "You're not welcome 'ere".
But when Saddam was collar'd, they was quick enough to cheer.

They're proud when Tommy Atkins 'olds the thin red line out there,
But now he's wounded back at 'ome, he has to wait for care.
Some stranger in the next bed sez, "Don't you feel no shame?
You kill my Muslim brothers!" So it's me not 'im to blame!
An' then the cleaner ups an' sez "Who are you fightin' for?
It ain't for Queen and country 'cos it's Bush's bloody war!"
It's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, what's that smell?"
But it's "God go with you, Tommy," when they fly us out to 'ell.

O then we're just like 'eroes from the army's glorious past.
Yes, it's "God go with you, Tommy," when the trip might be your last.
They pays us skivvy wages, never mind we're sitting ducks,
When clerks what's pushing pens at 'ome don't know their flippin' luck.
"Ah, yes" sez they "but think of all the travel to be 'ad."
Pull the other one. Does Cooks do 'olidays in Baghdad?
It's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, know your place,"
But it's "Tommy, take the front seat," when there's terrorists to chase.

An' the town is full of maniacs who'd like you dead toot sweet.
Yes, it's "Thank you, Mr Atkins," when they find you in the street.
There's s'pposed to be a covynant to treat us fair an' square
But I 'ad to buy me army boots, an' me combats is threadbare.
An' 'alf the bloody 'elicopters can't get into the air,
An' me pistol jammed when snipers fired. That's why I'm laid up 'ere.
Yes, it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, "We 'ave to watch the pence";
Bold as brass the P.M. sez, "We spare them no expense.

"But I'll tell you when they do us proud an' pull out all the stops,
It's when Tommy lands at Lyneham in a bloomin' wooden box!


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These came from Stumpy Steve

                                     Did You Know ... ???

That the words race car spelled backward says race car.

That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to
the last, it spells it's past tense ate.

And, Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal
immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out: "Fuck off and
go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent,
non-English speaking c*cksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal
wearing,
bomb making, goat f*cking, smelly rag head bastards with you." How weird is
that?


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                                 Leroy & the Preacher

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the
altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what
do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand
on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue
streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"


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What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?


Roberto.


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People say I'm politically incorrect. I think all politicians are lying,
self-centered sc*mbags - that's correct isn't it?


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                              In Honor of Stupid People . . . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods..

------------------------------------------------

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

------------------------------------------------

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

------------------------------------------------

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

------------------------------------------------

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

------------------------------------------------

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside
down."
(well... duh, a bit late, huh!)

------------------------------------------------

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(.... and you thought????...)

------------------------------------------------

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

------------------------------------------------

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could
just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

------------------------------------------------

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(... I'm taking this because???....)

------------------------------------------------

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only.."

(as opposed to what?)

------------------------------------------------

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

------------------------------------------------

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)

------------------------------------------------

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat
nuts."

(Step 3: say what?)

------------------------------------------------

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

------------------------------------------------

On a Swedish Chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."

(Oh my God.. was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


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Who do you call a man with no shins?


Tony.

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I've been camping outside the O2 arena since the Michael Jackson tickets
went on sale.

Where the f*ck is everybody?


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To the AV files now ... and they're from Canadian Muse, Stumpy Steve,
Kaos-reflex, Burnout, Moose, Smithie of Nottingham, Billm, Trina, and the
prolific Whizzbang.

Great Day
 Click here


Australian Citizenship Test
 Click here


BMW Z4 meets Meat!
Driving at 225km/h his BMW Z4 the Driver hit what looks like a dog.
The dog disappeared!
The driver stopped and wondered where did the dog go?
For all you drivers without bull bars, this is how you pack a 70 kg animal
into a BMW Z4.
Burnout
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Old Tool Revived by the Australian Senate
 Click here


A hairy question
 Click here

F-35 Vertical Take off, flip
 Click here


What a split second looks like.....
 Click here


Is It Raining?........ Very cool!!!!
 Click here


Somebody Cares
 Click here


Take that copper!!!!.........for anyone who has ever received a "marginal"
speeding fine
 Click here


Great Dog Pictures
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


NASCAR incident
Joe Gibbs Racing driver Brad Coleman was testing a Gibbs NASCAR Sprint Cup
Series car at Toyota Arizona Proving Grounds earlier this week and came
onto the radio and told his crew something rather unusual.
"Guys, I hit a coyote," Coleman said.
Coleman was running close to 200 mph around the 10-mile test track when he
saw the animal wander under the outside guardrail.
"I'm in the middle of the corner, and I'm doing like 190," Coleman said
Friday at Nashville Superspeedway before practicing his Nationwide Series
car. "I'm just cruising. You run the high line there, because that's where
the most banking is. It's the high-speed lane. There's just a guardrail
there like on the freeway.
"I see this thing, it must've been 100 feet in front of me, just jump out.
Right when I saw it come out from under the guardrail, I was like, 'That's
a coyote.'"
"It just started smoking like crazy," Coleman said. "And it smelled
terrible. I didn't see anything in the mirror, so I was like, 'I wonder
where it went?' I said, 'Guys, I hit a coyote. I'm going to come in
because
I think it screwed up the radiator. I think it clogged up the grille a
little bit.'"
 Click here Click here


WONDERFUL ENDING
"Non-violence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all
evolution. Until we stop harming all other living beings, we are still
savages!' - Thomas Alva Edison
The Jesusita Fire in Santa Barbara , CA last week caused these two to take
shelter together. The fawn is 3 days old and the bobcat about 3 weeks. The
fawn came from somewhere in the fire and the bobcat from Carpentaria. They
immediately bonded and snuggled together under a desk in the Santa Barbara
County Dispatch Office for several hours.
Extremely alert reader Fiv3r is reporting that Animal Planet is reporting
the bobcat kitten was rescued near Arnold Schwarzenegger's ranch, where it
was dehydrated and near death.
They rescued the fawn during last week's wildfire. Although wild animals,
especially of separate species, are never placed together due to
regulations, in this emergency situation, they had no choice. During the
mayhem of the fire, they were forced to put animals anywhere they could,
since they had run out of crates large enough for the fawn. The kitten ran
to the fawn, and it was instant bonding.
 Click here Click here


Different
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


The camera never lies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


School Bus...incredible !
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


Kiwi's need to Sharpen up
 Click here


Fancy dress idea from Brighton Gaypride
Not for the faint hearted!
 Click here


Men in Film
 Click here


Monastery Life
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other
monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the
first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be
continued in all of the subsequent copies
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old
abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
We missed the R !
We missed the R !
We missed the R !'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The
young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...
CELEB R ATE !!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


A free wheelchair service is offered to "patients" who finish a Quadruple
Bypass Burger
Customers weighing over 350 lb (160 kg) eat for free if they weigh in
before each burger
Incidently it is 8000 calaries
 Click here Click here Click here


Anyone for a bedtime snack?
 Click here Click here


Aussie guide dog
 Click here


I Miss Being A Little Boy
 Click here


OUCH!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Underwater Explosion..watch the waves roll over the ship at the end...wo...
 Click here


Concentrate on the Details
 Click here


YOGA FOR MEN
 Click here


Extremely Ugly Crashes
 Click here


Mackay Drama
This all happened at 150 ft AGL just after takeoff. Stewie was flying but
gave the controls back to the instructor when this happened .Had to turn
around and glide back in straight toward the PMs plane which was parked at
the Mackay terminal.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Every worksite needs a Todd ...
 Click here


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The Allnutts selection

                                         Magic

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought
he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a s*x shop
and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that
I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except...
The Magic
Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an
ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding
away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much
so, ; that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said,
'Magic
Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had
been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed,
opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her
crotch.. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering
orgasms,
she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull
it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to
turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the
closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the
road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked
for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink
officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and
it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah
right.... Magic Penis, my ass...!'

The rest, as they say, is history...


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                         Only the white couple survived

In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a dilapidated
four storey house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six internet con artists and full time benefit cheats
lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in the fire.

A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, live
on the second floor, and they too, all perished in the fire.

Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and
living off the state for free occupied the 3rd floor and they too, died.
And one middle aged British white couple lived on the top floor. They
miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human Rights
activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were
all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why were
just the British white couple saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and
said that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service -
questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up
the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.

Boris Johnson - Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it
would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service
had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their
initial assessment would be available within the next 36 hours - so
perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report
back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to
intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch
with the feelings of the whole East London community!

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with
Jacquie Smith - the Home Secretary drove to the area and demanded a meeting
with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of
popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade
was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and
Albanians all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The chief fire officer quietly replied:-

"They were at work."


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              An interesting statistic on the Iraq engagement

Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U. S. involvement in
Iraq,
here's a sobering statistic:

There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of
operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths.

That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers. The firearm
death rate in Washington D. C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same
period.

That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the
U. S. Capital than you are in Iraq .

Conclusion: The U. S. should pull out of Washington


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                                        AIRLINES

A man was sitting in the bar at Mascot Terminal and noticed a really
beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself:

'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline
she works for.'

'I still call Australia home' he says to her.

She pulled away from him & gave an ice cold glare.

'Obviously not with QANTAS'. He thought.

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline
slogan, 'Love to fly and it shows?'

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to
himself:'
Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned towards
her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'

She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself, while
scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.

He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...' and said, 'Smooth as
Silk?'

This time the woman turned on him and said, 'What the Fuck do you want?'

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said 'Ahhhhh, Jetstar!'


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From you know who you are ...

                                           Bells

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,

"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having s*x would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and
out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that
damned ice cream truck hadn't come along."


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This came from Burnout

                                       Heavenly Call

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he
would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed
golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per
call". The American, being intrigued, asked the priest who was strolling
by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a
direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The
American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same
golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the
same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what
its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that
for $10,000 he could talk to God. O. K., thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and
New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same
"$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if
Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the
first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this
time the sign under it read "50 cents per call." The American was
surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. Father, I've travelled
all over America and
I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is
a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why
is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a
local call".


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Finally from Whizzbang

                          How do these people survive?

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have
an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen
nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the
counter. 'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a
half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my
head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the
lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one
of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned
all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the
bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me,
'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I
don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the
things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she
said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit
card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need
some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I! should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you
think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery
to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No,
just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you
drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told
her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper,
put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette,
by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take
her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher
tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother
says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......' Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to
emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!


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Quote of the Week:


         "I'm not saying anything ... in case I say something."


                        - The late great Richmond Football Club legend
                                              Captain Blood - aka Jack Dyer


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[ End friday humour ]

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