Friday humour - July 31, 2009

 Contributions were a little thin on the ground this week perhaps owing to
holidays - anyway I have included a couple of repeats as fillers, to those
who have seen them before - my apologies, to those who haven't enjoy!!!!!!!
on with the mirth and merriment...................


From: Burnout - a golden oldie worthy of a repeat

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general
managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales),
XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found
themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said
without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New.."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of
Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on
the planet."

The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his
order: "VB."

The Boss of XXXX smiled and said "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well," he said with a shrug, "if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then
neither will I."

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From: Diks - another golden oldie worthy of a repeat

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who
shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely
jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to
make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President
Reagan.


There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from
Nancy Reagan to the staff at the mental facility treating Hinckley reports
to have intercepted:

________________________________

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we
are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine
country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know
there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against
you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the
mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of
desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery
and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and
productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie
Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that...

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From: Diks..........The maid's pay increase

My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the
raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?

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From: Seasoldier           NEWFIE GENIUS ....

One morning, three Newfoundlanders and three Albertans were in a ticket
Counter line at a train station. The three Albertans each bought a ticket
and watched as the three Newfies Bought just one ticket. 'How are the
three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asked one Of the
Albertans.
'Watch and learn,' answered one of the Newfies.

All six boarded the train where the three Albertans sat down, but the Three
Newfies crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly after
the train departed, the conductor came around to collect Tickets.

He knocked on the toilet door and said, 'Ticket, please. 'The door opened
just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in Hand. The conductor
took it and moved on. The Albertans saw this happen and Agreed it was quite
a clever idea. Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the
return trip and Save some money.

That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single
Ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the
Three Newfies didn't buy even one ticket!

'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asked a perplexed Albertan.
'Watch and learn,' answered the three Newfie boys in unison.

When they boarded the train, the three Albertans crammed themselves into a
Toilet and the three Newfies crammed into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Newfies left the toilet
and walked over to the toilet in which the Albertans were hiding. The
Newfie knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'

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 From: Seasoldier - another golden oldie

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions,
when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set,
and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone
began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was
called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit , thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by p*ssing and moaning.
Thought you'd like to know

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From: Stumpy Steve

I suppose mountaineers rope themselves together to prevent the sensible
ones from going home.

Last night my old girlfriend came round & said "Tie me up & you can do
anything you like". So I tied her up & went to the pub.

Went to the local RSPCA today...what a tiny place...not even enough room to
swing a cat in there.

What is the medical term for the fatty tissue  surrounding the cl*toris? .
The wife

I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me,
I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.

URINE TEST: How True is This?

(This was written by a rig worker in the North Sea - What he says makes a
lot of sense!)

I work, they pay me.  I pay my taxes and the government distributes my
taxes as it sees fit.  In order to earn that pay cheque, I work on a rig
for a drilling contractor.  I am required to pass a random urine test for
drugs and alcohol, with which I have no problem.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who
don't have to pass a urine test.
Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get benefits because I have to
pass one to earn it for them?

Please understand that I have no problem with helping people get back on
their feet.  I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone
sit on their ar*e drinking beer and smoking dope, and doing nothing.

Could you imagine how much money the government would save if people had to
pass a urine test to get their benefit cheque?


A charity pantomime  in aid of  Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homos*xuals
descended into chaos  yesterday when somebody shouted     ' He's behind
you !'

A mate gave me a photo & said, "Here's a pic of me when I was younger."
Twonk! Every photo of you is when you were younger.

All this stuff I'm reading about diets & healthy living is getting me
worried..so I've taken action - I've stopped reading.

Tip for the ladies: don't bother with cosmetics, just buy him a big bottle
of whisky & he'll tell you you're beautiful.

The boss has just supplied me with a new abacus and expects me to use it.
"I wouldn't count on it" I said.

My girlfriend asked me to try a new diet...'Eat as much lettuce as you
like'...it's easy to follow...I haven't had any.

From: Allnutts                     UNBELIEVEABLE SHOES

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

A podiatrist's dream come true!


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From: Allnutts    Truly A Sad Day For Tennis!!

Wimbledon hopeful Simona Halep wants surgery to reduce the size of her
breasts.

Halep, 17, is seen as one of the tennis stars of the future after winning a
host of junior titles and a place in the final of the junior French Open
last year.

But the 5-foot-5-inch Romanian tennis star said she thinks her 34DD bust is
holding her back.

"This fall I'll have a breast reduction operation, Halep said. The breasts
make me uncomfortable when I play."

"It's the weight that troubles my ability to react quickly," she added.

 Click here Click here


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 From: Billm
 SPELLING LESSON!   How do YOU pronounce  Oklahoma?

Do you think it's correct?There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce
Oklahoma

The  proper way is:
OKLA...HOMA (There's a gap between the 'a' and the 'h')
I can prove it...................

 Click here

There, you learned something today!
I do love these educational emails....
Don't you?

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From: Burnout
African road signs

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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From: Burnout
Sweden -v- UK
 Click here


 Click here Click here Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Online Dating...get the full picture

 Click here Click here

'ello, me little luvely!

 How not to tow a Kenworth
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

 World's largest woodpecker caught on film
 Click here


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From: Kaos_reflex
Facial Expressions - SFW

In the following pictures, you see people with very strong facial
expressions.
Can you identify the expression ........
 Click here Click here
If you are unable to identify this expression, the answer is below.


They are getting ready to sneeze!!!!!!


 Baby do's & don'ts
 Click here

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From: Moose
Wedding of they year!! It's like a watching a car wreck - you just can't
look away.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Introducing the wedding party:
First, the handsome groomsmen and the fine looking groom (in red)

Red ties, black ties, no tie. Mass confusion.     'Alright, everyone .
let's line up for the picture. Let's see .... hmmm, where shall we .... oh,
yes! Perfect! Everyone, please move quickly! Right over there,
in front of the garage. Yes, that will be just smashing!'
I guess a jacket at a wedding would just be too citified, so let's just pin
these boutonniere's right on the white shirts.

Bubba, put down that cigarette!  And no smoking during the ceremony!   I
told him it's tacky to light up during the sermon.
If we could have put the wedding off for two more months, the groom would
have saved enough money for a pair of black shoes.

I told him his tennis shoes have black trim....that's good enough.

Next, the lovely bridesmaids and the blushing bride

Not everyone can pull off such a vibrant red, but I think this group does
it. Sassy, I tell you, just sassy.

the cute couple

Those Wal-Mart slides really enhance her cankles.  Too bad they didn't come
in white.
Note how their 'outdoor backdrop' is a clearing probably where the weeds
actually got mowed just for this occasion.

At least his head is somewhat proportionate. To her left boob.

What's she showing us here? A severe case of knee gout??
Apparently, whatever it is has her husband in more of a stupor than usual -
How bout those teeth?

'You SO crazy, honey .'

'Here baby, let me help you up here .....'

You can almost hear the banjo music.

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 From: Moose
Holy Sh.....it !!!

 Click here

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From: Muse
Bud commercial

 Click here

 Visiting Vancouver Island (TOO funny!)
Turn up the volume and listen to this [audio] about two American visitors
(she refers to her husband as 'left brain') when they visited the Tourist
Info Centre in Nanaimo , BC ... HILARIOUS!!!

 Click here


 fishing - there's gotta be any easier way...
 Click here

 One out of 10
 Click here


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 From: Nottingham Smithie

FAKE! FAKE! FAKE!

 Underwater picture..... f***ing hell!

YOU HAVE TO READ THIS FIRST BEFORE LOOKING AT THE PICTURE..

Family on holiday in Australia for a week and a half when husband, wife and
their 15 year old son decided to go scuba diving.
The husband is in the navy and has had some scuba experience.  His son
wanted a picture of his mum and dad in all their gear so he got the under
water camera ready to go.
When it came to taking the picture the dad realized that the son looked
like he was panicking as he took it and gave the 'OK' hand sign to see if
he was all right.

The son took the picture and swam to the surface and back to the boat as
quick as he could so the mum and dad followed to see if he was OK.
When they got back to him he was scrambling onto the boat and absolutely
panicking.
When the parents asked why he said 'there was a shark behind you.'  The dad
thought he was joking but   the skipper of the boat said it was true but
they wouldn't believe him.
As soon as they got back to the hotel they loaded the picture onto the
laptop and this is what they saw.


Scroll down
 \/

\/

\/


 Click here

(Try and tell me you wouldn't have emptied your Entire digestive system
right at the point you saw it)
Would you have stayed to take the picture?
Maybe what saved them was that the shark wasn't hungry, they were in the
water not on the surface, and there was no fear coming from them - only
because they were not aware. Probably better that the kid didn't point for
them to look behind them.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
sorry about the quality but it is just about readable

 Click here

Driving Miss Daisy - Mississippi style
 Click here

 Dogs

 Click here

 Someone is really good with Photo shop. Some new ones

 Click here


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 From: Seasoldier   ......................The Patch

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and
stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the
Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and
left.
I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.  Cut at least 3
hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch.  Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of
quicker emergency service.
It also works at DMV and the Laundromat.
Don't try it at McDonald's, the whole crew will exit and you'll never get
your order.

 Click here

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 Stumpy Steve

PLEASE!!! ...NO MORE POLITICAL OR SWINE FLU EMAILS!

What we need is to get back to what email was designed for...
 Click here

THERE YA GO!!!!!!!....

Best "For Sale" sign ever
 Click here

Wisdom of An Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
 "Excuse me. I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple
of minutes?"
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of
course,
sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"
"I've no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she
seems to appear out of nowhere"
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
 Valuable research...

 Click here


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From: anonymous
Aussie prison visit !

 Click here


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Boat Launching Procedures

So here it is.
I just bought a new boat and decided to take 'er for the maiden voyage this
past weekend.
This is my first boat and I wasn't quite sure of the exact Standard
Operating Procedures for launching it off a ramp, but I figured it couldn't
be too hard.
I consulted my local boat dealer for advice, but they just said "don't let
the trailer get too deep when you are trying to launch the boat".
What am I doing wrong?
Well, I don't know what they meant by that as I could barely get the
trailer in the water at all!
Anyhow, here's a picture below. See for yourself. What am I doing wrong?

 Click here

Your gonna love this guy!!!!!!!


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 From: Stumpy Steve
 Best "For Sale" sign ever

 Click here


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From: Digi Maria
What Scottish highlanders do when they're bored!!!

 Click here

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 From: Muse................540,000 mile car and lady owner


Thought y'all might like this video:


 Click here


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From: Muse
I'll bet their reception was a blast

 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie

God, Guns, Ducks & Pick-Up Trucks.
You gotta watch this one

 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
YouTube - Tetris A Theme on Glass Bottles - Perhaps something for the lads
down at the pub? - they will need loads of bottle

 Click here



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[ End friday humour ]

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