Friday humour - July 24, 2009


From Burnout at Bluehaze.

From: Anonymous

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so,
seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,
it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled,
'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, Shoulda bought a hat.'

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From: Nottingham Smithie

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
On Michael Jackson's Death.
....... .. . . ..   ...
.. .  . .    .   .     . .   .  .. . ...  ..   .. .. . .    ..
...  ... ... ... ... ... ... .... ...... ..... .. ... .... ..... .. .
..     .  .  . .... .   . .  ...  .. . ...  ..   .. .. . .    ..... . ....
...  .... .... ....  .. . ...  ..   .. .. . .    ... ..... .... .... ....
..... ..... ..... .. . . ....  ....
. ..     . ...... ..... .. ... .... ..... .. ...  .. . ...  ..   .......
..... .. ... .... ..... .. . ..   . .... ..... .. . .          ...
...... ... .... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ...  ... .... ....
.  .. .. ... ..... .. . ... ..... .. ... ..... .. ..  .  . ....
..  ...  .  . .. .. . .... ..... .. . .. .. ... .....  .... .. ... ...
...... .  .. ....  ... ..

Deep stuff, eh?
I nearly cried when he said ". ..  .  .  . .. .. . .. .. . . .....  ...."


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From: Stumpy Steve

If you see Suggs walking towards you, you might have something to worry
about. Apparently it's the first sign of Madness.

If I see a man with a beard, moustache & specs, I think, 'There's a man
who's afraid of people doodling on photos of him'

My gran's getting her hip joint replaced... I suggested she gets a slinky
fitted so the next time she falls down the stairs....

I took off my new girlfriend's glasses last night and said, "Wow, you're
stunning!" She said, "And so are you, suddenly."

An old girlfriend once complained that I was treating her like a slave. So
I sold her.

'Symptoms of stress are eating & smoking too much & driving too fast'. Are
they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

The Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous
lawyers?
People were confused about which side to spit on.

I took a philosophy test that asked us to explain Nothingness. So I left it
blank.

Not paying back interest on money you've borrowed = criminal. Lending money
that isn't yours & gaining interest = banker.

According to the Institute of Incomplete Research, 7 out of 10...

My doctor asked me if I drank to excess. I told him I would drink to
anything.

I was advised to convert 2 rooms into 1 to increase living space. My lounge
is now 18 feet high but doesn't seem any roomier.

A detective should always carry a thin piece of paper and a pencil. Just in
case they need to trace somebody.

I've lost my camouflage jacket.


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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Wife Control!
God comes and says :-
"I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who had control
over their women, and the other one for the men who were controlled by
their women.
Also, I want all  the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk.

Next time God comes back, the women are gone,
and there are two lines.The line for the men who were controlled by their
women is 100 miles long,
and in the line of men who had control over their women there is only one
man. God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your mates. Look
at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud.  Learn from
him!"
"Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replies,


"I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."


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MORE JOKES from Whizzbang

1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... You'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are
too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied 'I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft,
it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' 'That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a Look at him' So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going
to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for
it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my dad or
my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking fine.' So that was
nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several
places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night.


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Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former

Soldier-
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got
the

whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight,
they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military
unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about s*x every 10
seconds. Old guys only think about s*x a couple of times a day, leaving us
more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is
a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry'
We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some as*hole that desperately
deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always
get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and
can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some
fanatical s-of-a-b....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put
them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and
yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an
appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get
out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat
and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side,

nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never
seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to
shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't
figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back
of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little

more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last
thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million p*ssed off old
farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years
are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!! You think Men have
attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the
first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can
read it.

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Now for some AV stuff:

From: Allnutts
Subject: FW: Stadium Roof Collapse - Malaysia

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


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Subject: Best pool shot I've ever seen

 Click here


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Subject: Incredible..And without pencil..with just .......

 Click here


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From: Anonymous
Subject: Fwd: Fw: One of the best ever.....................

 Click here

Excellent - ED

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From: Arfermo
Subject: How about that!

 Click here Click here Click here


A former oil rig worker spent 15 years building an exact replica of a North
Sea platform - out of more than four million matchsticks.


David Reynolds, 51, spent up to 10 hours each day painstakingly crafting
the half a ton model of the Brent Bravo rig in his living room.


"...I decided to try and build a small oil rig similar to the one that I
worked on for five years. Then I started on the large rig and got a bit
carried away. Once I started I just had to finish it."


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From: Billm
Subject: Cartoons for twisted people

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


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From: Burnout, your ED.
Subject: Do you still have your copy?

 Click here


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From: Burnout
Subject: Burketown Croc

 Click here Click here


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Subject: Pet Comments

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Subject: Time to change those undies!

 Click here


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From: Digi Steve
Subject: Senior T Shirts -
(I'm gunna give some of these to Davo - ED)

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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From: Mitta
Subject: Short Safari Story

 Click here

An oldie, but a goodun! _ED

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From: Moose
Subject: Supermarket products from around the world...

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


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Subject: FW:  The Smart Car!

what we will be forced to drive quite soon.
 Click here

But look at all of the 'great new choices'

 we will have from 'The SMART Car'....


 The Smorvette!
 Click here


The Smaudi A3 AWD!
 Click here


The Smamborghini!
 Click here


The Smorsche!
 Click here

The Smerrari!
 Click here


And last, but not least,

The Smustang,
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  Dating in the Future

 Click here Click here


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From: Seasoldier
Subject: Fondling - brilliant

 Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: Redneck boaters!
You just can't make this stuff up!  And once again, these people
breed...and vote!  Scary!

 Click here

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Subject:When Men were Men....

 Click here


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Subject: How Many Do You Recognize

 Click here


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From: Whizzbang - (A truly remarkable example of Darwinism - ED)
Subject: WHY DISPATCHERS AND COPS DRINK

 Click here


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Subject: Sheep Shearing

 Click here


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Subject: POSTERS WITH A MESSAGE.......]

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Subject: AMAZING 9/11 photos just declassified]

 Click here


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Subject:  SMALL PENIS CONTEST....(Very XXX - ED)

 Click here

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From: anonymous
Subject: Is that Batman?

This is cute!
Took me a while to actually see the reason for the title!  Doh!

 Click here

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Six Facts of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first fact, will try it.

3. And discover that The first  "fact" is false.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this

I'm an idiot and I needed company ..

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A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the
town and party with his old buddies ...

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face.  I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany ,
Holland , Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have
frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by
saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting
chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be
long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing,
dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your
Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are
Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere!   Got it,
A**hole?'

So he stayed home............

........and, they lived happily ever after.


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Quote of the Week:

Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice.
  - George Jackson


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Burnout
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