Friday humour - July 17, 2009

Emergency edit this week - sorry if its a bit messy.

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Actual WWII Tunnel Built by Allied Airmen

I am sure that you have heard of the WW II "Great Escape" but probably have
never seen the actual project.  The link below is fantastic and clearly
gives you an idea as to how creative and daring the prisoners were.

P.S. Be sure to click on "next" after you view each section.

When graphics appear, move cursor over the number (no need to click) to
display an explanation of activity.

Make sure you take the tour.  It's really something to see.

This may be one of the most amazing e-mails I've seen.  The last number to
'roll over' is 16.  Be sure to look, read the numbers,
and click 'next' to move =2 0 along to the next screen.

In 1943 work had begun on 'Harry', the tunnel that allowed over 70 men to
escape from the German POW camp, 'Stalag III', during
World War II.

This was the same tunnel made famous by the movie 'The Great Escape'.   The
URL below takes you to a site where one of the men,
after the War, drew a diagram with explanations of each of the sections.

It's amazing how accurate the movie was, even though it couldn't possibly
include all the information involved in this great engineering feat.  Hope
you find this as interesting as I did.

 Click here

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Time To Smile

This video was made in the Antwerp, Belgium Central (Train) Station on
March 23, 2009, with no warning to the passengers passing through the
station.

At 8:00 am a recording of Julie Andrews singing 'Do, Re, Mi' begins to play
on the public address system. As the bemused passengers watch in amazement,
some 200 dancers begin to appear from the crowd and station entrances. They
created this amazing stunt with just two rehearsals!

 Click here

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Fire spares white couple

In South Los Angeles, a 4 plex was destroyed by a fire.

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six
died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from
Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

Six LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they
too, died.

A lone white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA,
met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the
Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the
white couple lived..?

The fire chief said, "They were at work."

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My uncle was given bad news by his doc."You've got cancer &
Altzeimer's"..."Thank goodness I haven't got cancer"he replied.

I can't stop humming 'Delilah'. Doctor said "It sounds like Tom Jones
Syndrome." "Is it common?" I asked."It's Not Unusual."

A bloke was lying in the street covered in liquorice & coconut. I said
"What the hell happened to you?"..."All sorts"

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The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table..

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance
money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it
too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that
bl*w job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

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Health experts say red meat is the worst for your health. Surely not as bad
as furry green meat.

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A man should be free to sit around in his underwear watching the footie on
Sat*rday night..not thrown out of the pub like I was.

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Apparently a bomb has exploded in Slough. Reports are coming in that it's
caused thousands of pounds worth of improvements.

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The pub with no beer??

The following is believed to be the original words to an old Australian
folk song, later adapted by Slim Dusty with lyrics changed and recorded as
"The Pub With No Beer": Feel free to sing along.

It's a bastard away from yer women and all,
With a pain in the guts from the Great Lovers' ball
But there's nothin' as lonesome, morbid or queer
Than to knock off a barmaid who has got gonorrhea.

Now the publican's anxious for the chemist to come
Cos he's looking with lust at the barmaid's big bum
He's waiting to give her a belt up the back
But without a french letter, he might get the Jack.

The stockman strides in with a masterly stoke,
He whips the pants off her ar*e and gives her a poke.
But the smile on his face quickly turns to a sneer
When the barmaid informs him she's got gonorrhea.

A swaggie walks in, undoing his fly
Saying "give me a poke or I'll shoot in yer eye"
The stockman jumps up and says "don't do it mate!"
But the sawggie says sadly, "it's too bloody late!"

Billy the blacksmith, the first time in his life has gone home with the
Roger to his darling wife.
He walks in the bedroom but she said with a sneer
"without a french letter, you'll get nothin' here"

The dog on the verandah is still sufferin' from shock
Cos he's just seen the size of old Bill's big c*ck.
He hurries for cover and he cringes in fear
"Bill's sure to root somethin' I'm a movin from here"

 Bazza's thunderbox dunny door circa 1843.

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This is what a split second looks like!
 Click here

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Needs volume
 Click here

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WOW!  Amazing!!!!!
 Click here

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TRAIN vs. TORNADO...
 Click here
A video clip (with sound) of what happens when a train encounters a
tornado.  It starts out slow, but when you see the rain, it doesn't take
long after that.

Talk about a "front row" seat to a spectacular derailment!!  I'm pretty
sure you're gonna want to watch this more than once.

In case anyone is wondering who shot this, this footage was captured by the
rear unit's permanently mounted on-board video camera that all the newer
locomotives now come equipped with.  For sure, it tells all!

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USS J.F.K. Docking in Malta - IMPRESSIVE

 Click here

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The Jackson 5
 Click here Click here

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Contribution
 Click here

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Just goes to show
 Click here

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ANIMAL PIX
 Click here

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Beautiful
 Click here

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A Picture Of Just How Big Australia Is
 Click here

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Well den dat's it I'm moving to Ireland
 Click here

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Evian
 Click here

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Trust sky to show such lack of anything remotely professional
 Click here

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I reckon it was the haircut that did it - a teacher can only take so much
abuse
 Click here
Detectives were given more time on Friday to question a teacher at a school
in Nottinghamshire who is being held on suspicion of attempting to murder a
teenage pupil and assaulting two other children.

Jack Waterhouse, 14, was taken to hospital with serious head injuries after
an incident in a classroom at All Saints' Roman Catholic School in
Mansfield on Wednesday morning.

He is now in a serious but stable condition in hospital.

Peter Harvey, a 49-year-old teacher from the school, is being questioned by
detectives on suspicion of attempted murder and two counts of assault on
other children at the same time, police said.

Detectives said he had reportedly used a weapon during the alleged assault.
Officers have been given permission by magistrates to hold him until Friday
evening.

"Mr Harvey remains in custody.  Inquiries are ongoing.  He has not yet been
charged," a Nottinghamshire police spokesman said.

Media reports said former pupils and parents had expressed surprise that
the science teacher was the one suspected of being involved.

"I didn't think the pupils would give him stick," ex-pupil Tom Blythe, 19,
was quoted as saying.  "He was actually a decent bloke and got involved in
school plays."

Detective Superintendent Adrian Pearson said other pupils in class at the
time were assisting the investigation and that the incident had been out
of character for the school.

"It's a school where people send their children from a wide catchment area.
There have been no similar incidents before," he said.

On its website, the school said it had been a Performing Arts College since
2002 and had been described as "rapidly improving" in a 2009 Ofsted
inspection.

"All Saints' School is a lively, Catholic comprehensive school with a very
special, warm ethos which is recognised by all who visit," the headteacher
said on the website.

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This is a ripper
 Click here

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Hilarious Dodge Commercial (pulled the first day it aired)]
 Click here

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Cool Garage Doors
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A German firm called Style Your Garage creates posters for garage doors
that make it look as if your garage is where the action is.
Made for the up-and-over garage doors common in Europe , they mount with
Velcro and can be adapted to fit sectional garage doors.
If you've got a two-car garage, no worries they can make posters that will
span both doors. Prices range from €199 to €399 for the double-door
and the company can also turn a photo of yours into a garage poster, but
you'll want to be careful with this, not everything can be blown up to 6.5
feet without looking weird!!.

What you see in the picture is what the whole poster looks like :

What a great idea to freak out the neighbors.  A police car would be a
great deterrent for burglars.

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My Son, the Vet
 Click here

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the
Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It
happened again the next week. The following
Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady
put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks
until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some
of it to the church."

The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a
living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he
practice?"

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las
Vegas and one in Reno ."

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Restroom  signs around the  world.
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How Men's underwear should be advertised
 Click here

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Are girls born this way?
 Click here

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Why steriods are illegal [XXX + YIKE!!]
 Click here

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You're never too old for lego
 Click here

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Unexplained.... - Seriously WTF
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I tried for ages - very clever puss puss!
 Click here

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Mike was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he
couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife
wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4
friends Mike left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who
should be there but Mike sitting up in front of his truck, tent up,
fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"
"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a
beer to drown my sorrows.  Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my
eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see
through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom,
tie me to the bed  and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am!

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[ End friday humour ]

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