Friday humour - July 10, 2009

Well here we are in good old Oz. Our State Premier of Victoria has decided
to pre-empt the Bushfires Royal Commission to save a bit of money, our new
Children's Hospital can accommodate less children than the old one (but
it's got lovely murals and some exotic wildlife), our Federal Opposition
leader has quickly shot himself in the other foot as well, and China is
throwing a hissy tantrum because it didn’t get its way. Nothing new there
then.

This week's collection is courtesy of Allnutts, Billm, Burnout,
Cartographer Chris, Croydon Caz, Digi Steve, Diks, Kaos_reflex,
Nottingham Smithie, Stumpy Steve, The Great Gussius and Whizzbang.

Enjoy!

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Something to think about ...

Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007. The man
with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes.
During that time approx. 2 thousand people went through the station, most
of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed
there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few
seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.

4 minutes later:
The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat
and, without stopping, continued to walk.

6 minutes:
A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his
watch and started to walk again.

10 minutes:
A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid
stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the
child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was
repeated by several other children.
Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.

45 minutes:
The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a
short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal
pace. The man collected a total of $32.

1 hour:
He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one
applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest
musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever
written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua
Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station
was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about
perception, taste and people's priorities . The questions raised: in a
common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty?
Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize talent in an unexpected
context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this: If we
do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in
the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the
most beautiful instruments ever made ... How many other things are we
missing?

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Compliments

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. He enjoys his beer for
some time, until a voice reaches his ears, "Mate, love your haircut".

Perplexed, he looks around, and sees only the regulars at the far end of
the bar. Deciding it might have been someone leaving, he continues
drinking.

Not too long after, he hears the voice again, "Nice shirt buddy, goes with
the hair".

Truly bewildered he calls over the barman and asks him what's going on,
who's talking to him?

The barman looks at him then points at a bowl on the bar, "Don't stress
mate-that's just the complimentary peanuts".

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The best engine in the world

The best engine in the world is the pussy. It takes any size piston, is
self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and every 4 weeks does it's own
oil change. You just give it a rub to warm it up, and if you f*ck it, it
still works ... It's just a pity the
Management System is so temperamental ...

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Famous golf comments

These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it
with the shadow.
   ~ Sam Snead

You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen.
   ~ Lee Trevino

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a
swimming pool.
   ~ George Brett

Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula.
And I took a 7 to do that.
  ~ Jim Murray

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at
them.
   ~ Kevin Costner

I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
   ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on
the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge
and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
   ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez

The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
  ~ Brian Weis

Swing hard in case you hit it.
  ~ Dan Marino

My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest
can never be mastered.
  ~ Lord Robertson

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the
clubs and the fresh air.
  ~ Jack Benny

Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time,
you're the best    ~ Jack Nicklaus

The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law.
  ~ H G Wells

I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers
everywhere except on the course.
  ~ Billy Graham

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you
work at it, it's golf.
   ~ Bob Hope

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
   ~ Henny Youngman

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf
ball.
   ~ Jack Lemmon

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come
up sliced.
   ~ Lee Trevino

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Dyslexic Society at the local pub

It was the usual monthly meeting of the Dyslexic Society at the local pub.

One member went to the toilet where he met a stranger who explained that he
wasn't a new member and that he would be doing a turn later on.

"So, what are you?" the member asked.

"I'm a comedian", was the reply.

"OK! Let's see you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Let's see you change colour."

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My Twitter Don't Tweet.

Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world
of electronic madness.

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete
and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is
contemporary with the time.

I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim line phone with camera built in
that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for
two years ago still works per fectly fine. Well, except for the camera
thing. Never could figure that out... Even the few times I actually did
take pictures I couldn't figure what to do with them and gave up.

That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the
ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3
character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh
Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to me about my crazy text messages.
Give me a break. What ever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn't
that what they were invented for?

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and
sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with key s about one-eighth the
size of my pinky finger.

One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly -fishing..
"Way to go, son." Or in my text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat south of
Ellensburg , Washington . We were miles from anything remotely resembling
civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as
I try to explain this strange thing.

His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn't called a
Blueberry. He shook his head with that 'dealing with an elder despair'
look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that
the sellers he represented had agreed to my son's client's changes and he
had the signed doc*ments in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them
signed and Faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the
phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on the
Yakima River with us.

He then called his clients and told them he was Faxing the papers to them
to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office..
While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow a nd was just releasing
this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his
clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers
back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said,
"You are a little behind the times, Dad." I guess I am.

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800
employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos,
pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their
spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in
the modern way. I figured I could handle something as=2 0simple as Twitter
with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree,
Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck,
Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every
other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything
except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready
to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost
every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that
in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] p hone I am
supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at
Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife as eve ry one in the nearest 50 yards
was glaring at me. Seems
I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside
was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every
10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would
think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me.
She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the
next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the
cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy,
the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless
phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't
figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around
digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry
baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every
time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on
something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I
check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but
never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just
say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."

Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

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A model railway in the park near us caught fire yesterday. The flames could
be seen nearly five feet away.

If you're chased by a police dog, don't go through a tunnel, on a little
seesaw & jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

Those who think onions are the only vegetable that make your eyes water
have never interrogated a suspect with a sack of spuds.

Stopped a woman for dodgy driving. "where are your glasses" I said. "I have
contacts" she said. "Don't threaten me!" I replied.

During Sex Do You Think Midgets Do It Puppystyle?

What do you call a dwarf in a supermarket? Lidl

I heard terrible news earlier - our village's midget was pickpocketed. How
could anybody have stooped so low?

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Message from an Indian immigrant.

Dear Aussie friend,

Please help me. I want to migrate to Australia.

Our government has just announced that gay relationships in my country
India, is to be decriminalised.

Until recently, based on long standing English law from the days of the
Raj, homos*xuality was a criminal offence.

More than a hundred years ago, "fancying the freckle" as my highly esteemed
ancestors used to say, was subject to a public flogging,
then being drawn and quartered followed by a merciful boiling in oil.

Oh goodness gracious me, I want out before they make it compulsory.

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The Stammerers Action Group

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without
the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the
name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild
and passionate s*x with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be no s*x for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy s*x, the couple paused for breath
and Paddy said "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

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SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied,
'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She
responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the
best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No
peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New
knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, Can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia
..
Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't
remember if I'm 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends. But, thank
God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's
permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take
an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
down, and perspired for an hour. But, By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp
as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, ' For fast
relief.'

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The Shiduch (arranged marriage)

A good Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is
unmarried.

So, they call a marriage broker and ask him to find their son a good wife.
The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking
questions of the son and his parents as to what they want in a
wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long shopping list of requirements.

The marriage broker takes a long time looking, and finally asks to visit
the family again. He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found.

He says she's just the right age for the son... She keeps a Glatt Kosher
home, she regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by heart...,
she is a wonderful cook...she loves children and wants a large family.
And, to crown it all off, she's gorgeous.

After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get
excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.

But the son pauses and asks inappropriately: 'Is she also good in bed?'

The marriage broker answers, 'some say yes ... some say no ...

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Brilliant!
 Click here

The Tic Tac Man
 Click here

The Price of Children
 Click here

Flapping in the Wind [XXX but funny (peculiar)]
 Click here

Found it! [Xish]
 Click here
17 miles North of Wisconsin in the U-P that's Upper Michigan ... there it
was. And you thought there was no such place, huh? and did you notice they
have carry out ?

Friends come and friends gooooooooo......
 Click here

Now THIS is a snowmobile
 Click here Click here Click here

Army Kite
 Click here

Making all you baby boomers feel better
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Motivations
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Travelogue to S.A.
 Click here

Pool Hustler!!
 Click here

Optical illusion you won't believe (unless you're colour blind)
 Click here
In the attached picture, you see four different colours: blue, orange and
green and purple, right? Wrong: The green and blue is actually the same
colour! Zoom in or use copy and paste in MS Paint if you don't believe.

Pikey wedding in Donegal Town last week...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Never too young. A wonderful future in politics ...
 Click here

Why nobody is afraid of the French Marines.
 Click here

Angel in a box! Ohhh.. a must view
 Click here
Heaven didn't want him, so they sent him to me.
I sure as hell don't want him, so, I'm sending him to you !
The rules are simple: You can send him away, but you can't send him BACK!!!

Duct tape use #317
 Click here
I have to tell you that I have never seen a better use for duct tape in my
life. Makes you want to require everyone to carry a roll for emergencies.

Ultimate Wine Fridge
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

The Silent Generation are people born before 1946.
The Baby Boomers are people born between 1946 and 1959.
Generation X are people born between 1960 and 1979.
Generation Y are people born between 1980 and 1995..
Why do we call the last one generation Y?
 Click here

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New truck

I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I
couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was
voice activated. 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio
replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind'
replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I
swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen,the prime
minister of Canada."

Damn I love this truck ...

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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