Friday humour - June 19, 2009



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


Well it seems that the oft proclaimed 'World's Greatest Treasurer' is ready
to leave the building ... probably.

What a gutless wonder Mr Smirk, Peter Costello, has turned out to be.  He
presided over 12 budgets in Australia's former Howard government during a
period of the minerals boom and economic prosperity.  And what is there to
show for it?  Absolutely nothing!! ... except a GST which has been a
disaster for pensioners and the poor.  None of his budgets were accurate.
Government revenue ballooned.  Generally six months or so after each budget
this Tickerless Tiger  would get on TV beaming from ear to ear telling us
he'd made another mistake and that government revenue was double what had
been anticipated.  And what did he do with it?  Stashed it away to be
handed out as lump sum election bribes every three years or gave it away
to those who didn't need it as middle class welfare.

If only he hadn't cut public hospital funding (and always blamed the
States) and allocated more to public education rather than propping up the
wealthy private schools (another boat house for King's College!).  If only
he had have invested it in skills, and infrastructure.

During an economic boom while 85% of Australians wanted to keep Telstra in
public hands the Great Man flogged it.  Just imagine what it could have
done as a successful government enterprise introducing fast speed
broadband.

He introduced a 30% private health rebate to all those well enough off to
be able to pay for private health insurance.  More poor taxpayers money
going to the middle and rich classes.  All research on this has said that
this massive display of government largess would have been much more
effective simply being ploughed straight into public health, rather than
propping up the profits of private companies trying to make a profit out
of public health.

Hey - Mr Smirk has the record of being Australia's longest serving
Treasurer.  This title would have gone to Paul Keating had he stayed
Treasurer over Labor's previous 13 year reign.  But unlike the Man with No
Ticker, Keating was prepared to challenge PM Hawke for the leadership and
initially when he didn't get the numbers went to the back bench, later
succeeding and winning the unwinnable 1993 election.

Whatever you think of Keating, he was a man of substance and a true
believer.  His description of Costello is "all tip and no iceberg".  It
says it all really.

After the 2007 election defeat Costello could have led the Liberal Party
without any challengers.  He decided not to saying that he'd prefer a life
in the corporate sector.  It would seem that nobody wanted him.  I wonder
why???

It ironically seems that Costello may finally be offered a cosy well paid
position by the Rudd government.  May I suggest Ambassador to Iraq.


BTW ... Many of you senderinerers (contributors) may wonder why your
exceptional submissions don't end up appearing in our weekly rag.  The
reason usually is that we've published them before ... particularly with
audio and video files.  Digi Steve has a wonderful program which warns us
editors of such an eventuality.  There's also the possibility of them
being a bit too blue, a bit too risqué, a bit too dark, or simply not even
funny.
Please keep sending things in ... especially new stuff ... to
contribute~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au .  Virgin senderinerers are encouraged to offer
a nickname for publication use.  Or you can simply choose to be anonymous.
But it would be a boring world if we all chose that path.


My favourite this week is the "The New Lord of the dance??" video from our
prolific senderinerer Whizzbang, who the former Great Man Tony often
referred to as Whizzbang Pooley ... which makes sense.  It would be a much
better world if all of us could occasionally do something stupid, funny,
and physical.  Try and do something physical, stupid, and funny tomorrow!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

First up this week, this lot from Seasoldier

                                        BULLFROGS

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After
looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told
the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been
trained to give bl*w jobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true....
no more bl*w jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extrem e ly
skeptical and laughed it off! .

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this
less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran
downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading
cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook....... you're
gone..'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                      Game of Golf

A group of male lawyers lived and died for their Sat*rday morning round of
golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. She overheard the guys talking
about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf
team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes',
but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but
they would be starting early -- at 6:30 am.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may
be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled
their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at
6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening
2-under par round.  She was fun and pleasant person, and the guys were
impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her
back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played
left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still beat them with
an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally
amazed, but wondered if she was trying to make them look bad by beating
them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem
to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man
harboured a burning desire to beat her game.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15
minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady lawyer
played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her
part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong
play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This  
woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers,
and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if
 you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught
me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and
forth.    When I got married in college, I discovered my husband always
sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before
I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him.
If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if
it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this
bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing
straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                     The Economy

Not sure if this would work or not.

In the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea . It is raining, and
the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in
debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter,
and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to
the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig
grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the
supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his
debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her
"services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note
to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she
brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so
that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and
takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the
rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and
looks to the future with a lot of optimism.....

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is
doing business today.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                      Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he
fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and
peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's some stuff from you know who you are ...

                                     Latest Golf Joke

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an
Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow
group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian from New Jersey fumed, 'What's with those jerks? We're waiting
fifteen minutes between shots!'

The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor
golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word
with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for
them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire
fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

The Italian from New Jersey said, 'Why the f*ck can't they play at night?


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                            DEFINITION OF CHUTZPAH

A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents
each.
Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunchtime, and as
he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take
a pretzel. And this went on for more then 3 years.

The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old
lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzellady spoke to him.

"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to
tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                       How to get to Heaven from Ireland


I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and
gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.

' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the
children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'No!'.

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out:

" YUV GOTTA BE FUKN' DEAD.........."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A quickie from Kaos-reflex

                                   Anyone for coffee?

Ascot Vale delicatessen has a new coffee on its menu.  It's the Des Moran
expresso.  It only has 3 shots, costs tuppence & is guaranteed to blow
your head off.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These came from Billm

                           ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE

Please Read all the way to the bottom: If you will take the time to read
these. I promise you'll come away with an enlightened perspective.. The
subjects covered affect us all on a daily basis:

They're written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much
with so few words.  Enjoy.......

I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an
elderly person.

I've learned..... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned..... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!'
makes my day.

I've learned...... That having a c hild fall asleep in your arms is one of
the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the
strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be,
everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a
heart to understand.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on
summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it
gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we
ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so
spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be
appreciated and loved.

I've learned...... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned..... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only
letting that person continue to hurt you..

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to
surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them..

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned..... That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the
ones you miss..

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock
elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one
more time before she passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little
finger in his little fist, that you' re hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but
all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned..... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I
get done.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This little test came from Willie

                                     'Av a banana!

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals ...  a Lion
, a Chimpanzee , a Giraffe , and a  Squirrel , who pass by.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the
tree.

Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully  - Try and  answer within 30 seconds

Got the answer ... ???


It follows Burnie's quickie below ...


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A quickie from Burnout

                                    Little Johnny...

Teacher: Johnny, why have you not given me your homework?

Little Johnny: I made it into a paper aeroplane and someone hijacked it.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                --- A N S W E R ---
                                    'Av a banana!

If your answer  is:

Lion = you're dull.

Chimpanzee = you're a moron.

Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.

Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS!!!

I failed this test big time and hope you got it right.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year!!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A gem from DavidM

            FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to
you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

FH wouldn't be the same without Whizzbang's weekly bangers

                            Your Annual Dementia Test

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.. Exercise of
the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older,
it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of
intelligence. Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing
it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've
made your answer. OK,
relax, clear your mind and begin.

1.. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say 'silk' five times.. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next
question. Your brain is over- stressed and may even overheat. Content
yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from
blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is
made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why
are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany
(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West
Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail.
The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing,
decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails
before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of
'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you
bury the survivors?
East Germany, West Germany , or no man's land'?

Answer: You don't bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce
and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the
next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford
Haven in Wales . In London ,
17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine
people get on. In Swindon , two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff
,
1 1 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off
and five people get on .. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get
on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you re member your own name? It was
YOU!!

Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                       Kevin Rudd

Kevin Rudd was out jogging one morning along the Harbour pathway near
Kirribilli House in Sydney when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in
the water below.

Before the Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing
pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid
said, 'I want to go to Movie World in QLD'

Kevin said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on my special Prime Minister's
airplane.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Speedo 'SHARK' bathers.'

Kevin said, 'I'll get them for you, and even have Ian Thorpe sign them!'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and
stereo headset!'

Kevin was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like
you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I FUCKING saved you from
drowning!'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                       Nine Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when
I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ar*e to search the entire room
for the T. V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T. V. and change
the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn
right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ar*es!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I
paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn
thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come
yet?'.
If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbar*e?


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


To the files section now ... and they're from Diks, Whizzbang, Smithie of
Nottingham, The Great Gussius, Canadian Muse, Seasoldier, Burnout, and you
know who you are.


Animal snatchers
 Click here

You Can't Fix Stupid
 Click here

Why Arabs Throw Stones - all the reasons!
 Click here

School the old fashioned way ...
 Click here

The best beer bottle opener
 Click here

Back flip
 Click here

Getting Even; Two tales of Revenge......
 Click here Click here

Need a Concrete pump ?
 Click here

ROLLER COASTER RIDE 
Admission to the fun park........ ......... ......... ......... .........
..$25.00 
Popcorn and a soda at the refreshment stand........ ...$10. 00 
Paint on tattoo...... ....... ......... ......... ......... ........ .
$3.00 
A set of tits that can handle 5 G's on a roller coaster and still look
firm... 
Priceless!!!
 Click here

Where do I get some?
 Click here

Dog Humour
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Wisdom of a Retiree!!
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?
Well.. I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of
the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into
urine.
 Click here

How to shut up a man after taking his remote [XXX]
 Click here

The New Lord of the dance??
 Click here

THIS IS WHAT I WANT FOR FATHER"S DAY....A LAZY BOY RECLINER
 Click here

Israel ReissFW: CAMPING IN AFRICA
 Click here

The "Hulk" CAN LIFT ANYTHING  {  xxx   :)  }
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This came from Mitta

                          Two Englishmen businessmen

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot
Tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're
selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Aussie walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Aussie accent asked

'Wot yer sellin' here mate ?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes'.

Without skipping a beat, the Aussie said, 'You're doin' well ...... only
two left, eh!'

Englishmen, God bless them, should never mess with Aussies.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This came from new contributor (why has it taken so long??) Vorgelaus who
said

"I have been reading the Friday Humour pages since about 1998 and enjoy
reading each Friday - Keep up the good work team!"


MY  COUNTRY (with apologies to Dorothea Mackellar)

I love this bonzer country
This land of grog and honey of wallaby and c*ckatoo of shearing shed and
dunny.

Of mates like blue and wocker
of Pharlap and the Don
The kingdom of the knocker of the wowser and the con.

I love our bonzer scenery
Where the mighty gum trees soar
Tho’ our never ending deserts are a crashing Nullarbor.

And our triffic culture
such as Eddie, Kyles and Ray
While the local gourmets have the yabby and the cray.

I love this bonzer country
where the sea is full of sharks
With blowies big as eagles
Where your car gets booked by narks.

Where your team gets trounced each Sat*rday and your pub sells wanky beer
Where there are red backs on the toilet seat and you’re nagged by Germaine
Greer.

Then there’s our recreation
tossing cans at umpires at the AFL
Or bashing opposition supporters to show we’re the “sportsmen” from hell.

And going to the dogs and trots to cheer those pounding hooves
Or sinking boots in leather into men who wear feminine shoes.

I love this bonzer country
with its F.J. utes and trousers
With its dim sims and Chiko rolls and its triple fronted houses.

Where our roads are full of speed cameras and we are stuck with the Rudds &
Swans
Where all the land and business is owned by Yanks and Poms.

I love our bonzer federal government good old Kevin, Julia and Wayne
The way our debt is rising makes you think they are all insane.

And I love the liberal opposition cos they know how to oppose
They all oppose each other
So you know they are on their toes.

Hey, when you come to think of it its really not so great
On second thoughts, I’m jack of it
I think i’ll immigrate.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally a couple of old classics from Stumpy Steve

                                       Barber Shop

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, ' I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left
the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ' thank
you ' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a policeman comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, ' I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week. The policeman is happy and leaves the
shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a ' thank you '
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he
tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ' I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week. The professor is very
happy and leaves the shop..

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a ' thank you '
card and a dozen different books, such as ' How to Improve Your Business '
and ' Becoming More Successful. '

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to
pay his bill the barber again replies, ' I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week. The Member of Parliament is very
happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members
of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
citizens and Politicians


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                     Chocolate Box

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.

She was from Quality Street he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a
Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.

"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury
turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her
Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and
Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a
trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he
always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a
scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink
Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet
Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss
Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the Week:


       "I wish Peter well, but I have no further statement."


                Former Prime Minister, John Howard, on Peter Costello.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (June 12, 2009)  Index Next (June 26, 2009)