Friday humour - June 12, 2009

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Has anyone else noticed the massive increase in spam email? The Friday
Humour systems are now receiving three times as much spam as they were a
month ago. Somebody has found a way around all the filters ...

It looks like the Peter Principle is alive and well and has been operating
in the Victorian Country Fire Authority for a loooong time ...

Anyway - insert here your favourite whinge or bitch about whatever you like
- it saves me writing about it, and getting morose in the process.

This weeks contributions come (mainly) from Allnutts, Burnout, Croydon Caz,
Diks, Kaos_reflex, Nottingham Smithie, Seasoldier,
Stumpy Steve and Whizzbang.

Enjoy.

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Mums in group therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
Mothers and their small children. You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mum, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.

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I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed
copious amounts of alcohol. I awoke this morning not feeling well, with
what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills,
sore eyes etc.

From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested
positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu. This debilitating
condition is very serious and it appears this is not an isolated case.
 Reports are flooding in from all around the neighbourhood of others
diagnosed with Wine Flu.

To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs,
experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.
However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately hire a DVD
and take some Nurofen [Nurofen seems to be the only drug available that
has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu]. Others are
reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases.

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening, and if treated early can be
iradicated within a 24-48 hour period. If not, then further application of
the original liquid in similar quantities to the original dose has been
shown to do the trick.
Good luck, hic!

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Why do we love children?

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children on e warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note20read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the
phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
little boy before? '

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing
the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.
Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said a
s she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back
there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the
back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day
I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I
braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned
and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said:
'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he
goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting
my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they
won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He
picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that
had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama,
look what I found,' the boy called out.. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

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A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the
bar.

It hits a blonde's b**bs and splashes all over them.

The bartende r goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her
b**bs.

Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his third
beer, he decides to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her b**bs, the man jumps up and starts to
lick her breasts . . . . . SHE DECKS HIM!

He is laying on the floor moaning and groaning, 'Jeez lady...why do you let
the bartender do it?'

'Because,' says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'

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An Australian Love Poem

Of course I love ya Darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very s*xy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

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'Mighty Blues'......that's an oxymoron, isn't it?

(come to think of it, you could drop the oxy bit as well)

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Paddy was walking along the street in Dublin when he rounds a corner and
there's a high rise building on fire.

Paddy being the kind-hearted Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he
can help and notices people trapped 5 stories up.

Paddy yells to the people 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick', the Irish
Rugby Union fullback, if you jump I'll catch you.

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.

Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and jumps. Sure enough Paddy
catches him safely.

Then a black man jumps out and falls to the ground, Paddy didn't even
attempt to catch him. Paddy looked up and yelled.

"Fo' Cris 'ackes don't throw out the burnt ones!"

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Sound advice for the Treasurer Mr. Wayne SWAN

Dear Mr. Swan,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing Australia's economy:   
Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money
on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can
call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 Million people over 50 in the work force.  - Pay them $1
million apiece severance for early retirement with the following
stipulations:
1) They MUST retire.  Ten million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They MUST buy a new Australian CAR.  Ten million cars ordered - Auto
Industry fixed.
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis
fixed.
4) They must send their kids or grandchildren to school / college
/university - Crime rate fixed
5) Buy average levels of alcohol / tobacco a week, so there's your money
back in duty / tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their
falsely claimed expenses and allowances and bullsh*t superannuation
payments.

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RENAULT AND FORD TO MERGE
Renault and Ford are working together to build a small car.
They are using the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new
little zippy car................The Clitaurus.
The car comes in Pink, with fur on the dash.
( Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option )

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Health Department warning.

If you receive an email from the Department of Health, telling you not to
eat tinned pork because of swine flu ignore it.

It's spam.

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Presumptuous

Cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The
wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't
such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

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Some worthwhile, reasonable, uplifting thoughts herein. Written By Regina
Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It
is the most-requested column I've ever written." My odometer rolled over to
90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey
is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God
never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up
to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for
an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't
save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important s*x organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will
this matter?".
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or
didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd
grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

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Little Bruce.

Mohammed entered his classroom.

"What is your name?" asked the teacher..

"Mohammed".... answered the kid.

"Here we are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name
will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked
his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents,
your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.

Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all
the bruises she asked: "What happened to you little
Bruce?"

"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two
f*ckin' Arabs!..."

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A bear, a lion and a pig meet in the forest.

The bear said, “If I roar in the forests of North America , the entire
forest is shivering with fear.”

The Lion said, “If I roar on the great plains of Africa , the entire
savannah is shivering with fear.”

The pig said, ”Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet sh*ts
itself.”

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It's Tough Getting Old.

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging
along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine
sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he
say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"

Don't let your wife accompany you when you visit the doctor.

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I thought that this was going to be stupid till I tried it ... Funny ...
good luck.
 Click here

Memory Lane
 Click here

What a 14" drilled hole in the wrong place can do
 Click here

Frozen Niagara Falls
 Click here

Trust airplanes ?
 Click here

We all need a laugh
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Some New Maxine's
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Tyre change
 Click here

Beat this for a Baptism
 Click here

Why they use women for calendars
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Wow!!! Way too much sugar!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Caramel Dip [Xish]
 Click here

Finally - its computerised
 Click here

May not have been authorised by the Hong Kong Bank...
 Click here

Best health club advert ever
 Click here

Divorce Australian Style
 Click here

Tractors.
 Click here
Specs are:
42 cylinders heptagonal-star/6 cylinder rows
Diameter 160 mm, stroke 170 mm, capacity: 143.500 ccm (8.757 cui) 7 over
head camshafts driven by shafts, central steer time adjustment 4
valves/cylinder, 168 valves operated by roller rocker arms one cam moves
an exhaust valve and an inlet valve
Rotational speed: up to a maximum of 2500 rpm
Torque: about 15000 Nm (approx 11063 ft/lb)
Power: about 4500 kW (approx 6034 hp)
Fuel consumption: 205 g/kWh resp. About 800 litres diesel/h
Direct injection 9-hole injectors
Decentralized fuel injection pump, per cylinder p ~ 1.000 bar
Turbo compound: 1 step axial turbine and 1 step radial blower (p ~ 2,1 bar)
Joined with crankshaft via 3 parallel hydrodynamic couplings
Compressed air start system is at work with 150 bar compressed air on 2
cylinder banks (12 cylinders)
Dimensions: diameter 1.600 mm, length ~ 2.000 mm"

And a couple of others – love it.
 Click here Click here

Gotta Love Florida.
So, there she was just driving along I-275 and somehow she caught my eye.
 Click here Click here Click here
We exchanged glances but..... she was decent enough to let me know she was
married.
 Click here Click here
Thank God that I didn't get the wrong idea!

Who said the Homeless are not creative?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Desperate times call for desperate measures ...
 Click here

Dial before you dig
 Click here

Farm sounds ...
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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