Friday humour - June 05, 2009

Thanks for all the contributions this week guys 'n' gals, if you don't see
your contribution here it is more than likely a repeat, and as we edit we
try to avoid too much repetition. However there are sometimes classics
which are so good we can afford to take that risk, after all not every
Friday
Humour reader has read every issue. We are having problems here in the UK
at the moment, our politicians have been caught thieving from the honey
pot, as clear a case of fraud in most cases as I ever did see. Strange
that there have been no arrests made yet, they claim they were not
breaking any rules which they had written.........anyways have a great
weekend and on with the humour - Nottingham Smithie.


From: Allnutts

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and
thinking things through!

-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new
boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The
room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money
do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a
week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks
pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
asked,
'Does anyone here want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

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From: Burnout

"Walking Eagle"....The American Indians seem to be smarter than we are..
and we elected him as our prime minister!!??

On a recent trip to the U.S.A. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to
address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, B.C,
due to his experiences in handling the Australian Indigenous situation in
Australia.

He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First
Nation's present standard of living.

At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister
with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle".
The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he
left.
A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name
given to Rudd.
They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of
sh*te, it can no longer fly.

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 From: Diks.................... 'Ole Murphy...............

Paddy an Murphy chatting in a bar, Paddy says I pulled an shagged twins
last night.
Murphy say nice one.... but how do you tell them apart ?
Paddy replies thats easy her brothers got a beard,

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 From: KRP


Iqbal and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Iqbal, but collects 2 to 3 a day only.
Iqbal brings home a suitcase full of 10 notes everyday, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Iqbal 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you
bring home a suitcase full of 10 notes every day?'

Iqbal says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Iqbal says 'No wonder you only get 2- 3 a day.
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Iqbal shows Habib his sign.
It reads, 'I only need another 10 to move back to Pakistan '.

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 From: Kaos_reflex

Watch this before they remove it from youtube:
If this is true, this is scary. It runs for 7 minutes.

 Click here

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 From: Martin
what a ripper youtube clip. best one i've ever seen.

 Click here


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 From: Moose..............This could drive you crazy!!!
CLICK ON THE BALL AND IT WILL CHANGE COLOUR.
(It can be done - good test of dexterity!)

Click here: Ball  target=_blank>Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie
 mildly amusing certainly pleasing............. to see a couple of
wrinklies having so much fun

 Click here

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From: Whizzbang..................Asylum Seeker Holiday Adventures

Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of :

 'ASYLUM'.Today's program features another chance to take part in our
exciting competition:

    Hop on a boat

    And win

    A COUNCIL HOUSE!

    We've already given away hundreds of millions of dollars and thousands
of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,

    The Australian Taxpayer.

    And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.

    Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid
AustralianPassport, and you only need one word of English:

    'ASYLUM'

    Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting
at $800 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and
    accosting drivers at traffic lights.

    This competition is open to everyone
    buy a ticket to Indonesia

    And catch the first available boat.


    No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable.

    All you have to do is destroy all your papers or burn your boat once
you

    Enter Australian waters and remember the magic password:

    'ASYLUM'

    A few years ago, 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan
were flown Goat Class from Kabul to Indonesia's gateway where agents  were
on hand to fast-track them to their boat trips to luxury accommodation

    They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in
hotels all over Australia

    Our most popular destinations also include the Baxter's reef and the
world famous Christmas Island resort If you still don't understand the
rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience

    Just apply for legal aid.

    Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to
help.

    It won't cost you a penny.

    It could change your life forever .
    So play today.


    Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
    activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil
tigers,
    bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...

    COME ON DOWN!


    Get along to the Indonesia

    Get along to the fishing ports

    Don't stop in Thailand or Bali

    Go straight to Australia

    And you are:

    GUARANTEED

    to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on
earth.

    Everyone's a winner, when they play

    'ASYLUM'

    FORWARD THIS TO EVERY AUSTRALIAN

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From: Whizzbang..........Doesn't take long!!!............

Apparently the kiwi woman only wanted "s*x" with Johns, not "six".

I finally understand the words to the haka. For years I have been wondering
what "COME MATTY, COME MATTY' meant.
The NRL has cleared Matthew Johns of any misconduct as the kiwi girl at the
centre of the s*x scandle admitted she wasn't aware of the interchange
rule.

The Johns event didn't happen to my mind; there is no way Cronulla could
score 12 times in one night.
She should have stayed still. Its common knowledge that thrashing around
attracts more sharks.
What's the worlds bravest bird? A kiwi, cause it takes on 12 sharks at
once...
What's the difference between Matt Johns and Jaws?  In Jaws there was only
1 shark eating the woman.
The sharks get more crowds at their gang bangs than they do at their home
games.

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From: Whizzbang...................Fight the fuel tax, sign RACQ petition

RACQ have started this petition to try and stop the abolishment of the Fuel
Subsidy by the government.  If this subsidy is abolished then not only will
the fuel prices rise but also groceries and the like. anything that relies
on fuel to get to the shops.  Basically everything will get more expensive
should the fuel subsidy be abolished.
I have signed it, also share this with all your family and friends in
QLD (yes that's right only qld addresses will be recognized)

 Click here

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 From: Allnutts
 Australian wildlife

These pics were taken at FMG Cloudbreak in the NW Pilbara - the goanna was
2m long
It took a total of 5 hours for the black headed python snake to finish it
off.
As you can see, they put some signage up so it couldn't be run over.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Allnutts
 Railways
 Click here

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 From: Arfermo
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Burnout
Frogs
 Click here

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 From: Burnout
 Supple

 Click here

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From: Croydon Caz
Wall Murals
At first glance, it looks as if some natural disaster has shaken away the
walls of these buildings to reveal architecture hidden for thousands of
years. And at second and third glance, it looks like that too.

But these spectacular images are not the unexpected result of an
earthquake.
Treasure trove: An Egyptian style mural adorns a wall in Los Gatos,
California. Pugh paints people into the mural to heighten the 3D effect
Greek tragedy: But the Doric-style columns apparently exposed in this
university hall are nothing but paint
The incredibly lifelike scenes are actually huge works of art, painted on
the side of perfectly intact buildings. Even that woman peering into the
ruin above is not real.
The paintings, which have fooled many, were created by John Pugh, who
specialises in trompe l'oeil - or 'trick of the eye' - art. He uses his
skills to delude the viewer into seeing 3D scenes painted on flat
surfaces.
The Californian-born artist said: 'It seems almost universal that people
take delight in being visually tricked.'
His works can been seen all over the world, including in the artist's home
state. The 'earthquake' work shown here is located on Main Street in the
town of Los Gatos and was created following a genuine earthquake in 1989.
The temple-like interior apparently exposed features jaguar gods, regarded
as the creators of earthquakes by the Mayans.
Wonder wave: John Pugh's Mana Nalu mural in Honolulu. Fire crews rushed to
save the children from the mighty wave - before realising it was an
optical illusion
Blurring the lines: A mural entitled Art Imitating Life Imitating Art
Imitating Life, at the Cafe Trompe L'oeil, in San Jose, California
Another picture is of Taylor Hall at the California State University,
Chico,
where Pugh studied. The mural features Doric-style Greek columns behind the
seemingly shattered wall and is called Academe.
Another work, featuring a colossal wave about to crash on to a pavement in
Honolulu, Hawaii, took two months of studio work to plan and a further six
months to execute with the help of 11 other artists.
It features Queen Lili'uokalani, the last monarch of the Hawaiian Islands
with Duke Kahanamoku - the ultimate father of surf.
The scene is so realistic that just as it was near completion, it attracted
the attention of the fire brigade, which stopped its truck in the middle of
traffic.
Mr Pugh said: ''They jumped out to rescue the children in the mural. They
got about 15 feet away and then doubled over laughing when they realised
what it was.'
Having a cow: Valentine's Day, a mural unveiled during the Global Mural
Conference in Twentynine Palms, California
Trick of the eye: John inserts a passer-by into the mural painted in Santa
Cruz, California, entitled Bay in a Bottle, who is watching the ocean scene
Take a pew: This looks like a nice spot to rest your weary feet on a
sidewalk in Sarasota County Health Center, Florida

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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 From: Croydon Caz
 Why people had a happy childhood.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Bayer 's Heroin - A bottle of Bayer's heroin. Between 1890 and 1910 heroin
was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine. It was also used to
treat children with strong cough.

Coca Wine - Metcalf Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with
cocaine on the market.  Everybody used to say that it would make you happy
and it would also work as a medicinal treatment.

Mariani wine - Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of it's
time. Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time. He
awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.

Maltine - Produced by Maltine Manufacturing Company  of   New  York .It was
suggested that you should take a full glass with or after every meal.
Children should take half a glass.

A paper weight: - A paper weight promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne (
Mannheim  ,  Germany  ).  They were proud of being the biggest producers in
the world of products containing Quinine and Cocaine.

Opium for Asthma: No comments.

Cocaine tablets  (1900) - All stage actors, singers teachers and preachers
had to have them for a maximum performance. Great to "smooth" the voice.

Cocaine drops for toothache - Very popular for children in 1885. Not only
they relieved the pain, they made the children happy!

Opium for new-borns - I'm sure this would make them sleep well (not only
the
Opium, but 46% alcohol!!!!!) beats the sh*te out of gripe water!

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From: Croydon Caz
 Nice place...

 Click here

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 From: Croydon Caz.....................you'll like this...

 Click here

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 From: Moose
 Don't play on trains- disturbing and sad

 Click here

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 From: Moose
 VERY Worst one yet..

 Click here Click here

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From: Moose..........................Someone Cares.pps

 Click here

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 From: Muse

Amazing painting

I can't believe how much work has gone into this painting.
The painting itself is great but as you run your cursor over the people it
tells you who they are
And provides a link (if you double click) to get more information on each
person.
                    This could keep you occupied for hours

                    Click here

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 From: Muse
 Anticipation....

 Click here

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 From: Muse
Shooting Stars Explained !

 Click here

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 From: Muse
 " CAR WASH PRANK"
 Click here


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 From: Nottingham Smithie
 The  window washer
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie..............Bet You Watch This One Twice
 Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie


 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


AUSTRALIAN CARTOONS...NEVER SEEN IN AMERICA
BELIEVE IT OR NOT --THESE CARTOONS ARE FROM OUR FRIENDS  "DOWN UNDER".  WHY
DO WE NEVER SEE SIMILAR IN  USA PAPERS??

It may be too late, but maybe we should analyze these cartoons again. The
whole world sees America's dilemma except the democrapic party. It seems
this party's agenda is to destroy America, Why? Socialism has not worked
in any other civilization in the entire world. There's a better way to
feed the poor.

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 From: Nottingham Smithie
 Canadian billboards

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie
 The New Alphabet

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


    New  Alphabet
    A  is  for apple, and  B  is  for boat,
    That used to be right, but now it  won't float.
    Age before beauty is what we  once said,
    But let's be a bit more realistic  instead.


    Now

    The  Alphabet

    A's  for arthritis;
    B's  the bad back,
    C's  the chest pains,
    Perhaps  car-d-iac?

    D  is  for dental decay and  decline,
    E  is for eyesight, can't read that top  line!
    F  is for fissures and fluid  retention,
    G  is for gas which we'd rather not mention  .

    H  High blood pressure-We'd rather it is  low;
    I  For incisions with scars you can  show.
    J  is for joints, out of socket, won't  mend,
    K  is for knees that crack when they  bend.
    L's  for libido, what happened to  s*x?

    M  is for memory; we forget what comes  next.
    N  is neuralgia, in nerves way down  low;
    O  is for osteo, bones that don't  grow!


    P  for prescriptions. We have quite a few,
    Just  give us a pill and we'll be good as  new!
    Q  is fo r queasy, is it fatal or  flu?
    R  is for reflux, one meal turns to  two.

    S  is  for sleepless nights, counting our  fears,
    T  is for Tinnitus; bells in our  ears!
    U  is for urinary; troubles with  flow;
    V for vertigo, that's  'dizzy,' you know.

    W  for  worry, NOW what's going  'round?
    X  is for X-ray, and what might be  found.
    Y  for another year we are left here  behind,
    Z  is for zest WE still have - in OUR  minds.

    We've  survived all the symptoms, our body's deployed,  and
    We're keeping twenty-six doctors fully  employed.


    IF  YOU ARE OLD, HAVE  A  GREAT DAY.
    IF  NOT, YOUR TURN WILL  COME!


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 From: Stumpy Steve ..................What does a Muslim Pussy look like?


 Click here

Oh, come on!  What the hell were you thinking??

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 From: Stumpy Steve
One good shot

 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
Broken Dog

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


They don't make the old Bulldog like they use too.
 This happened as the truck was entering a service station in Gisborne.
 These units are running at 44 tonne and are supposed to be set up for 50
tonne.....I don't think so.

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From: Whizzbang
 Swine Flu info from Department of Health Australia IMPORTANT!

 Click here

IMPORTANT   NOTICE

As you were  advised through an earlier Department advisory letter, there
is a  distinct possibility of an outbreak and epidemic of Swine Flu in
this country.To facilitate  identification and in order that you may be on
the alert for indications that  you or members of your  family may have
contracted the virus, you should be aware of the following  symptoms:

1.   Sore throat

2.   Persistent slight headache

3.   Nausea or upset stomach

4.   An uncontrollable urge to f*ck in the mud

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From: Whizzbang
Symptom swine influenza.

 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
 Got to love this poster!

 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
Downsizing in the mining industry

 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
 firewood_bobcat

 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
Adult content cartoons

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

 From: Zalaga
 The latest London Underground poster.. UNCLASSIFIED
 Click here

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From: anonymous
 Gibraltar's airport - this won't work in SA...........

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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 From: anonymous
 For King and Country!

 Click here

A photo like this just doesn't come along every day!
One of the reasons Mummy wont let him be king !!!

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 From: anonymous  Snapdragon

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: anonymous - Dogs

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny
thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
       1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs
out over a crystal clear stream.
       2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool
running water.
       3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
       4. No one knows your secret place.
       5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the
world.
       6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity.
       7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the
face of the person you are holding underwater.
       There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

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