Friday humour - May 29, 2009



From: Allnutts

THE LODGER

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they
didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said, so
the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled
the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told
her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the
curtains so that you can see for yourself'.

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked,
'Do you shave?'

'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you
have hairs?'

'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her thick, hairy Muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'

'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her Yours?'

'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'

'I know', he said, 'but the darts team hadn't'!

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From: Anonymous

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went
through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane. The next day, he called home to tell his father the news.
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, let me tell you what happened," the son said. "We got up in the
plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About
a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane.'
"Is that when you jumped?" asked his father.
"Uh, no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw
them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked his father
"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left
on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me
to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and
refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master.
The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
He said to me, 'Are you gonna jump or not?'"

"I said, 'No sir, I'm too scared.'  So the Jump Master pulled down his
zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, dad, it was about ten
inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Either you jump 
out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked his father.
"Well, a little, at first."

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From: Cartographer Chris

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man:

'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you
would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After I have s*x, I am usually cold and
chilly; and then,
after I have s*x with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'


After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:

'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her:

'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and
chilly after having s*x with you the first time;
and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'

'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied.

'That's because the first time is usually in January,

and the second time is in August.

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From: Cartographer Chris
This was written by a Canadian woman, but oh how it also applies to the 
U.S. , U.K. and Australia and New Zealand

THIS ONE PACKS A FIRM PUNCH

Here is a woman who should run for Prime Minister! Written by a housewife
in New Brunswick , to her local newspaper. This is one ticked off lady.

'Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started
by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11,
2001and have continually threatened to do so since?

Were people from all over the world, not brutally murdered that day, in
downtown Manhattan , across the Potomac from a nation's capitol and in a
field in Pennsylvania ?*

Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible,
burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?**And I'm supposed to
care that a few Taliban were claiming to be tortured by a justice system
of the nation they come from and are fighting against in a brutal
insurgency.

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for
incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring
about the Holy Bible, the mere belief of which is a crime punishable by
beheading in Afghanistan.

I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are  sorry for hacking off
Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.

I'll care when the cowardly so-called  'insurgents' in Afghanistan come out
and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in
mosques.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blows themselves up in search of
nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide
bombs.

I'll care when the Canadian media stops pretending that their freedom of
speech on stories is more important than the lives of the soldiers on the
ground or their families waiting at home to hear about them when something
happens.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a CANADIAN soldier roughing up
an Insurgent terrorist to obtain information, know this I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to
move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank:
I don't care.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a  Koran and a prayer mat,and
'fed special' food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that
his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe in your
heart of hearts: I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled 'Koran' and
other times 'Quran.' Well, Jimmy Crack Corn you guessed it, I don't care!!

If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail friends 
Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous
behavior!

If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you
choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities
committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great Country!

And may I add:

 'Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference
in the world. But, the Soldiers don't have that problem.'

I have another quote that I would like to add, AND.......I hope you forward
all this.

One last thought for the day:

Only five defining forces have ever offered to die for you:

 1. Jesus Christ

 2. The Canadian Soldier.

 3. The British Soldier.

 4. The US Soldier, and

 5. The Australian Soldier

 6. The new Zealand Soldier

One died for your soul, the other 5 for your freedom.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO FORGET ALL OF THEM.*
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From: Diks


IRONIC!!

90 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.
More than a million people have
AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom!

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From: Duke of Barsinov

One to make you smile;
Overheard at Birmingham Symphony Hall, during the interval;
'Do you like Delius?'
'Oh yes, I've got all her books!'

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+++ From: KRP from Coffs Harbour

A travelling salesman's car broke down so he found his way to the farmer's
house. They welcomed him and offered him a glass of lemonade while Junior
fixed his jalopy. The salesman noticed a pig sitting by the edge of the
porch that had only two legs. He asked about it.

"Well," said the farmer, "That's Henry. He's no ordinary pig. Last year we
was all a-sleepin' when the house caught fire. Henry come
a-running' in and woke us all up and saved every last one of us from a
fiery death. No sir, he's no ordinary pig.


Then, around Christmas, I fell under the tractor and woulda been chewed up
somethin' fierce if Henry hadn't seen it and dragged me out in the nick of
time. Why, just last month the banker come around to take away the farm and
Henry run him off and we never seen him again. Yes sir, Henry is no
ordinary pig, that's for sure."

The salesman was humbled. "But why does he only have two legs?" he asked.

"Well, you see, son," said the farmer, "A pig like that you don't eat all
at once."


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From: Kaos_reflex


Element:
WOMAN

Symbol:
Wo

Atomic Weight:
120 (more or less, usually more)

Physical Properties:
Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts
whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties:
Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver,
platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone.
Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when
placed next to a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

Usage:
Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution:


Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.


Element:       MAN


Symbol:
XY

Atomic Weight:
180  100

Physical Properties:
Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense
and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging
samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young fresh
samples.

Chemical Properties:
Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong
bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for
prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with
alcohol.

Usage:
None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce
large quantities on command.

Caution:
In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

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From: Moose

Some old but some are new

Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
Centrelink was on the other side

What's the difference between a Collingwood supporter and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn't waste 25 matches.

How do you inflict 12 months of acute pain on a Pies supporter?
Buy them a membership for Christmas!

What do u say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
I'll have fries with that thanks

2 Collingwood Supporters in a car without any music, who is driving?
The Policeman

What do you call a 30 yr old woman in a Collingwood jumper?
Nanna

You are trapped in a room with a crocodile, a tiger and a Collingwood fan.
You have a gun with 2 bullets. What do you do?
Shoot the Collingwood fan - Twice

You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:

1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of 'most admired people.'
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family once died right after saying: 'Hey, watch this.'
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
9. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: 'Carn the
Maggies .'
10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its
wheels.
11. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much
petrol is in it.
12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
14. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against
it.
15. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.
16. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
17. Your front verandah collapses and kills more than five dogs.

What do Collingwood supporters use as protection during s*x?

The bus shelter

If you're driving along and you see a Collingwood supporter riding a bike
why shouldn't you run him over?
It could be your bike.

They found one of Josef Fritzl's daughter's diary from the infamous
Austrian "lock-up" case just last weekend. It read:
Monday - locked up at home, raped by Dad
Tuesday - locked up at home, raped by Dad
Wednesday - locked up at home, raped by Dad
Thursday - locked up at home, raped by Dad
Friday - locked up at home, raped by Dad
Sat*rday - went to go watch Collingwood play. Wished I stayed at home.

Two kids were having a kick in the car park outside the MCG just before a
big Carlton and Essendon match. As they were playing a dog came running
across and attacked one the of the little kids. The dog was on top of the
kids scratching and biting him so his mate who he was having a kick with
picked up a stick and started to bash the dog with it. In the end he
belted the dog so hard he actually killed it.
A news reporter witnessed this event and came rushing over for an
interview. She said to the boy " that was great, you just saved your best
mates life, this could make a great story."
So the reporter started to think of headline....
"Carlton Supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". No said the boy
I am not a Carlton supporter.
"Essendon supporter saves best mate from savage dog attack". No said the
boy I am not an Essendon supporter either. So the lady asked who he
barracked for and he said Collingwood.
The next days headlines were " Low Life Mongrel Maims Family Dog"

Three women with footy-fan husbands are discussing their relationships.
The first says, "My husband follows the Lions and let me tell you our s*x
life is like one premiership after another."
The second says, "My husband is a Crows man and every night is like the
back-to-back victories of 1997 and '98."
They then look at their friend, who hasn't yet said a thing.
"What's wrong," they say as their friend starts sobbing. "Well," she says
hesitantly, "my husband supports Collingwood, and all he does is sit on
the end of the bed and tell me how wonderful it's going to be."

Why do Collingwood fans stink?
So blind people can hate them, too.


What's got 100 legs and 4 teeth?

The front row of the Collingwood cheer squad.

What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a Collingwood shirt
to bed?
You ain't going to score.

A Collingwood couple gets married and are on their honeymoon.
The woman changes into a s*xy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks
sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me.
I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his
father, who comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she
wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for
ours."

A Collingwood supporter went down to Centrelink to claim welfare after
realising she was the only one of her friends - (who were all
Collingwood supporters) - who was not on benefits.
"How many children do you have?" the man at Centrelink asked.
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?"
"Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn, Jaidyn and
Jaidyn," she replied.
"They're all named Jaidyn?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from
playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'Jaidyn,' and they all come
running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'Jaidyn, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name."

How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it and make excuses and Mick
Malthouse to say that if the umpire had done his job in the first place
the light bulb would never have gone out

A truck driver is driving down the highway when he sees a priest
hitch-hiking. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings
about giving him a ride as usually when the driver sees a
Collingwood supporter on the road he runs them over. But with a priest in
the truck, he wouldn't be able to carry out his favorite pastime.
But being a good bloke, the truck driver decides to pick up the priest and
forgo his fun for this one trip.
Just after the priest jumps into the cab they come across a Collingwood
supporter hitchhiking.
The diver decides to swerve to avoid the Collingwood supporter but hears a
huge "BOOM!"
The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't worry - I got him
with the door

What's the difference between a cactus and the Lexus Centre?
A cactus has pr*cks on the outside

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared c*cktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "150", and the robot proceeds to make conversation about
global warming, factors, quantum physics and spirituality,
biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory,
nano-technology, and s*xual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool.", and
decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and
comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him,
"What's your IQ?"
"About a 100," the man responds.
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about football, the
Bathurst 1000, cricket, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and the
like.
Really impressed, the man leaves then walks in again.
"What's your IQ?" the robot asks.
"Er, 50, I think."
And the robot responds, very, very slowly, "So, I expect you'll be
following Collingwood again this year?"

What do you do for a drowning Collingwood player?
Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.

Why did Cinderella run away from the ball?
Because she played for Collingwood.

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children
What their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out: fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.
However, Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher
asked him about his father ..
Billy responded: "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off
all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really
good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep
with him."
The teacher quickly sent the other children outside with some work and took
little Billy aside to ask him if what he'd said was really true.
"No" said Billy ,"He plays AFL football for the Collingwood Football
Club but I was just too embarrassed to say ..."

Joffa took his 8 year old son to a Pies Game. At half time, an opposition
supporter called one of the Pies cheersquad a transvestite,
prompting Joffa's son to ask him 'dad, what's a transvestite?', to which
Joffa replied, 'Go ask your mum, he'll know'.

What do you call a group of Collingwood supporters running off in the same
direction?
Jailbreak!

What is the difference between a Pizza and a Collingwood supporter?
Pizza can feed a family of four.

A group of Collingwood supporters are standing on their tip toes up to
their necks in water What is the problem?
Not enough water.

How do you know if your house has been robbed by a Collingwood supporter?
Your bins are empty and your dogs pregnant.

What do you call a Collingwood supporter with half a brain?
Gifted.

A Collingwood Girl enters a s*x shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says
"I'll take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

Another Collingwood girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood
everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying
flat out on the road.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

A Collingwood girl walks into the local dry cleaners.
She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to
pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

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From: Nottingham Smithie


Subject: this bastard should be charged with treason and executed - but
these days they get life in a luxury hotel at our expense

Palace suspends 'tour' chauffeur Buckingham Palace has suspended a
chauffeur after undercover reporters claimed to have gained access to
highly sensitive areas of the building. A palace spokeswoman told the BBC
that an investigation would be carried out into allegations that Brian
Sirjusingh was paid 1,000 to give them a tour.

Two reporters from the News of the World newspaper are said to have been
waved inside, without security checks. It is alleged one of them sat in
the Queen's state Bentley car.
BBC royal correspondent Peter Hunt said he understood Mr Sirjusingh was a
pool chauffeur - one called when the dedicated royal chauffeurs are
unavailable. According to the paper, the men were led past a police
checkpoint and a sign demanding to see identification, and into the royal
garage. It could easily have been a terrorist walking into the palace and
planting a bomb, Mr
Sirjusingh showed them several vehicles used by members of the royal family
and allowed one reporter to sit in a Bentley used to transport the Queen on
state occasions, the paper said.

A Scotland Yard spokesman said: "We are naturally concerned about the
issues raised by this story and are liaising with palace officials about
their staff security arrangements." The newspaper's royal editor, Robert
Jobson, told the BBC that lessons should have been learnt from previous
security breaches.
He said: "There have been a number of security breaches at the palace over
the years but this is right up there in terms of being a flagrant breach
of the security.

"They should have been checked as they walked in but they weren't and
therefore it could easily have been a terrorist walking into the palace
and planting a bomb in the car rather than the News of the World exposing
the poor security of the palace."

Buckingham Palace said it was taking the matter "very seriously". No-one
should be allowed in without absolute proof of identity "It seems almost
impossible to believe that somebody could access this particular part of
the royal premises with such ease," he told the BBC. "It does seem to be a
fundamental failure in system and supervision. "No-one should be allowed in
without absolute proof of identity and those identities should be
pre-arranged and pre-checked."

In recent years there have been a number of high-profile royal security
breaches.
In 2003, Daily Mirror reporter Ryan Parry spent two months working
undercover as a Buckingham Palace footman.
He used a false reference to get the job despite unprecedented security
surrounding the visit of US President George Bush to the UK.

The same year, during Prince William's 21st birthday, comedian Aaron
Barschak set off six alarms and appeared on CCTV several times without
sparking a response when he gatecrashed a party at Windsor Castle.

Lord Goldsmith, QC, the former Attorney-General, recently published a
report - "Citizenship: Our Common Bond" - in which he recommends that the
laws of treason should be redesigned. The idea is to make the citizen's
duty of allegiance to the country "more relevant to modern conditions".
That's a very good idea. Few laws are in greater need of updating. Today's
main treason law is found in the Treason Act 1351. You wouldn't want to get
dental or medical treatment according to the principles of 1351, and
ancient law can be just as inapt.

Under the 1351 Act, anyone is guilty if he "levies war against the
Sovereign" or is "adherent to the Sovereign's enemies". Also guilty is
anyone who "compasses or imagines the death of the Sovereign". Those words
come from a 14th century language known as "Law
French". It's bit ridiculous to have to apply them to situations today.

The phrases do cover attempting to do anything by which the sovereign's
life may be endangered or conspiring to do that. Mind you,
that isn't an entirely fresh interpretation - it was given at the trial of
Ambrose Rockwood in 1696. You'll get the flavour of that case when you
know that he was charged that "being moved and seduced by the instigation
of the devil" he conspired to kill King
William III.

It's also treason to slay the Lord Chancellor, or to violate (which in this
context means to have s*x with) the Sovereign's eldest unmarried daughter
or the wife of the Sovereign's eldest son and heir. A person convicted of
treason can be sentenced to life imprisonment.

Although the death penalty for murder was abolished in 1965, it remained a
lawful punishment for treason until it was ended by the
Crime and Disorder Act 1998. Last year, at the inquest into the death of
Diana, Princess of Wales, five men were named by lawyers for Mohamed Fayed
as having been her lovers: James Hewitt, Will Carling (the former England
Rugby captain), Oliver Hoare (an art dealer), James Gilby (a PR
executive), and Barry Mannakee (a bodyguard). She was divorced from
Charles in 1996 but if any s*xual relations had occurred between Diana and
her lovers before 1996, then not only would the lover have been committing
treason, he'd have been liable to be executed.

There have, in modern times been some notorious treason cases. Sir Roger
Casement is sometimes said to have been hanged by a comma.
Casement was convicted in the First World War of conspiring with the
Germans to further an Irish insurrection. His conviction depended on how
part of the 1351 Treason Act is punctuated.

You can, of course, significantly change the sense of one set of words by
punctuation. For example, "a woman, without her man, is nothing" can be
changed to "a woman: without her, man is nothing". In Casement's case, a
comma appeared in a key clause of some, but not all, early versions of the
1351 Act. Ultimately, the court decided the comma was there (the judges
inspected an ancient copy using a magnifying glass) and it allowed the
definition of a traitor to include someone whose treachery, like
Casement's, was committed outside the realm. He made his nefarious plans
with others while he was abroad. Casement was hanged at Pentonville prison
in 1916.

Another case was the prosecution of William Joyce (popularly know as "Lord
Haw-Haw"). He was an American citizen who lived in various countries and
gained a British passport after making a false representation. During the
war, Joyce broadcast Nazi propaganda on the radio from Germany. In
sinister tones, he urged the British public to surrender. He was captured
by British forces, brought back to England and charged with treason. The
charge said that while "owing allegiance to the Crown" he sided with the
enemy. Was he under a duty of allegiance to the Crown as alleged? The jury
and House of Lords said yes. He was hanged at Wandsworth prison in 1946.

Today, cases are extremely rare. In 1981, 17-year old Marcus Serjeant was
convicted, under the Treason Act 1842, for discharging a gun near the
sovereign. The shots were blanks. The charge was "presenting a pistol at
the Queen". He was sentenced to five years.
The idea of using treason laws against citizens sympathetic to Al-Qaeda was
considered in 2005 but rejected as impractical.

Before the crime of treason can be redefined, it's necessary for the UK to
determine how we shall define the relationship between the citizen and the
state. You can't define treachery unless you've first defined allegiance.
What duties of allegiance do citizens owe to the state? The government is
currently consulting on this through its paper The Route to Citizenship.

The new law of treason will be, like the old law, not something that turns
up in a court case near you any time soon. But how it's defined is vitally
important because it rests on whatever duty we collectively agree as
citizens to owe to the state. A sound modern law of treason wouldn't be so
narrowly focused on fiends caught in royal beds as on those set on
subverting democracy and the democratic state.


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From: Seasoldier

THE BROTHEL
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified,
well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer
someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged 5000 a
visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to
Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left...


The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie... Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in
a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was
still 5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to
Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but
he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in
Edinburgh .."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was
instructed to deliver your 15,000 inheritance in person."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

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From: Seasoldier

Subject:Don't Touch The Flour.


A little Pakistani boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking.
He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. Look, mom,
I'm a white boy!'
His mom slaps him in the face and says; Go show your father'.
He goes to his dad in the living room and says; look dad, I'm a white boy.'
His dad slaps him hard in the face and says; Go show your grandmother.'
The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says; look granny, I'm a white
boy'
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother.
His mother says; 'Now, did you learn anything from that?'
To which the little boy replies; I Sure did. I've only been white for five
minutes and I already hate you f*cking Packies!'

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From: Sloth from Perth
Subject: Chocolate

Re the chocolate and mathematicians thing:
It's an oldie and a goodie, but isn't it about time people stopped passing
around this breathless crap about "This is the only year it will ever
work!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Next year you add 1760, in 2011 you add 1761, in 2012
you add 1762, and even a rugby league supporter can probably start to see
the pattern.... And incidentally, some of us take serious exception to the
suggestion that chocaholics and mathematical nerds are mutually exclusive.
Some of us are proud members of both camps!

Cheers
Sloth from Perth

(Thanks Sloth, always interested in informed & thoughtful comment.- ED)

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From: Burnout

Poor Matty, he got sacked from the NRL, sacked from channel 9 and he got
sacked from the storm. It's ironic, because the last person who got that
much sack was that NZ girl.


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Lets get into some AV stuff now:

From: Allnutts

Subject:" NEED FIREWOOD?"

 Click here


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From: Cartographer Chris
Subject: Motivation Posters

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Croydon Caz
Subject: Horrible Parenting at its best!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


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From: Croydon Caz
Subject: Fw: Charlie Brown and B-17

 Click here Click here Click here Click here


Look carefully at the B-17 and note how shot up it is - one engine dead,
tail, horizontal stabilizer and nose shot up... It was ready to fall out
of the sky. (This is a painting done by an artist from the description of
both pilots many years later.) Then realize that there is a German ME-109
fighter flying next to it. Now read the story below. I think you'll be
surprised.....


Charlie Brown was a B-17 Flying Fortress pilot with the 379th Bomber Group
at Kimbolton, England. His B-17 was called 'Ye Old Pub' and was in a
terrible state, having been hit by flak and fighters. The compass was
damaged and they were flying deeper over enemy territory instead of
heading home to Kimbolton.


After flying the B-17 over an enemy airfield, a German pilot named Franz
Steigler was ordered to take off and shoot down the B-17.
When he got near the B-17, he could not believe his eyes. In his words, he
'had never seen a plane in such a bad state'. The tail and rear section
was severely damaged, and the tail gunner wounded. The top gunner was all
over the top of the fuselage.  The nose was smashed and there were holes
everywhere.
Despite having ammunition, Franz flew to the side of the B-17 and looked at
Charlie Brown, the pilot. Brown was scared and struggling to control his
damaged and blood-stained plane.
BF-109 pilot Franz Stigler

B-17 pilot Charlie Brown.

Aware that they had no idea where they were going, Franz waved at Charlie
to turn 180 degrees. Franz escorted and guided the stricken plane to, and
slightly over, the North Sea towards   England  .. He then saluted Charlie
Brown and turned away, back to
Europe .  When Franz landed he told the CO that the plane had been shot
down over the sea, and never told the truth to anybody.
Charlie Brown and the remains of his crew told all at their briefing, but
were ordered never to talk about it.
More than 40 years later, Charlie Brown wanted to find the Luftwaffe pilot
who saved the crew. After years of research, Franz was found. He had never
talked about the incident, not even at post-war reunions.
They met in the  USA  at a 379th Bomber Group reunion, together with 25
people who are alive now - all because Franz never fired his guns that
day.

(L-R) German Ace Franz Stigler, artist Ernie Boyett, and B-17 pilot Charlie
Brown.

When asked why he didn't shoot them down, Stigler later said, "I didn't
have the heart to finish those brave men.  I flew beside them for a long
time.  They were trying desperately to get home and I was going to let
them do that.  I could not have shot at them.
It would have been the same as shooting at a man in a parachute."
Both men died in 2008.


This is a true story Click here

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From: Croydon Caz
Subject: AMAZING PHOTOS

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: not in the brochure

 Click here

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From: Diks
Subject: Touching...

 Click here

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From: EJ
Subject: LEFT HANDED BRIDE

 Click here Click here

The first thing that I see in this picture is that the bride is left
handed.

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From: KRP from Coffs Harbour

 Click here


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From: Mad Mick from Marwick
Subject: Fantastic photo's of Norge !

 Click here


Enjoy these photos guys.


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From: Mitta
Subject: FAR SIDE................

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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From: Mitta
Subject: awima wyj..

 Click here

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From: Moose
Subject: A little girl's prayer

 Click here


To all dad's

Dear God

This year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's
computer ...

Amen

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From: Moose
Subject: Three little pigs

 Click here


This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old
is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the
building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the
man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir,
but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man
said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think
the man would have said - 'Well, I'll be f *cked!! A talking pig!'


The teacher had to leave the room


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From: Moose
Subject: Best Balcony Competition

 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Muse
Subject: You can say anything with a smile

 Click here


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From: Muse
Subject: No rest for the wicked

 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie

Subject:  Beware of thermal imaging cameras at airports

 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
Subject:  Someone Cares.

 Click here


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From: Seasoldier
Subject: The Story of ME

 Click here

One day, long, long ago,
there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch...

(That would be me )


 But that was a long time ago and  it was just that one day.

  The End

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Stumpy Steve
Subject: All day socks

 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Swine flu after-effects

 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: The unluckiest bird ever?

 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  THE HARLEY HEARSE

 Click here Click here Click here Click here


The funeral home is in Topeka, Kansas.
They told me that this rig can be rented for $500
Plus a dollar a mile over 100 miles.
The owner of the rig (who is not the owner of the funeral home)
Sort of looks like somebody from ZZ Top, doesn't he?


The owner of the funeral home is the guy in the suit in the bottom photo.

How to go out in style!!

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From: Whizzbang
Subject:  Why Iraq is taking so long

 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Ever thrown a rod? How about a block?

 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
Subject: Excellent Caricatures

 Click here


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From: anonymous
Subject: TOO PRECIOUS

 Click here


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From: anonymous

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: anonymous
Subject: lol

 Click here

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From: Croydon Caz
Subject: AMAZING PHOTOS

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: anonymous
Subject: Rules of the universe

1. Never, under any circ*mstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your
differences. Love each other.

13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.

17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.

20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

21. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

23. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

26. You should not confuse your career with your life.

27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

28. Never lick a steak knife.

29. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

33. Your friends love you anyway.

34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?--

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: anonymous
Subject: Thought for my day

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it, root it or play with it,
Just p*ss on it and walk away.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: anonymous
Subject: unidentified

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his whole family were avid
bowlers. However, since all the Swiss league records were unfortunately
destroyed in a fire, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm
shrinking!!"
"Now, settle down," replied the doc calmly, "You'll just have to be a
little patient."


A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that
could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his
supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the
way back with his catch, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to
wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and
charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and
urinals, leaving no clues. The chief constable was quoted as saying, "We
have absolutely nothing to go on."


An Indian chief, feeling very sick, summoned the medicine man. After a
brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk
rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and
swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers
on."


A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage to find his name
missing from the town register.
His wife loudly complained about the insult, and a civic official who
apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an
elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

 A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the
eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these,
who needs enemas?"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



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[ End friday humour ]

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