Friday humour - May 22, 2009



[ from Davo @ Bluehaze ]


G'day


I refer to Nottingham Smithie's editorial piece a couple of weeks ago
supposedly from a retired lawyer friend, which started ...

 "Muslim countries are all ruled, either formally or informally, by
  religious oligarchies consisting of the mullahs.  In all of them,
  the Koran is the centerpiece of their political and social lives."

And then went on vilifying and categorising all Muslims as frankly
worthless sh*t, ending with ...

  "So, what will happen if our governments don't act decisively to
   forestall the muslim invasion?  First, smaller political entities will
fall.
   The saracens will take city councils, county governments, state
   governments, etc.  Ever increasing areas of our countries will become
   muslim.  The Koran and sharia law will incrementally start encroaching
   on and replacing the Bible and western law.  By the time the muslims
   have actually achieved a majority in your House of Commons and my
   House of Representatives, our countries will already be lost to islam.

   In the meantime, Christians and Jews will be fleeing.  First, they will
sell
   their homes (probably to muslims) and move to another more Christian
   area of the country.  Christians and Jews will continue to be squeezed
   in that manner until their backs are against the wall with nowhere else
   to go.  Then, it's surrender or fight.  Actually, I suspect in America
the
   fighting will break out at the State level.  At least in the American
West,
   I can't see the Christian citizens allowing a State Legislature to
become
   predominantly muslim without shedding blood over the issue.  Of course,
   the demographics show that you Britons will be faced with these choices
   much sooner than we."

Whoever wrote this diatribe didn't even have the dignity to capitalise the
words Muslim and Islam.

And what an incredible tirade based on nothing objective but just abject
fear.

My local federal Member of Parliament is Jewish.  Does that worry me?  Not
in the slightest.  I actually gave him my preferences over several
Christians.

We have heaps of Jews in local, state, and federal parliaments in Oz, plus
many Christians and agnostics.  I can't name one Muslim.

How exactly are Muslims taking over our democracies?  They haven't done it
anywhere so far, and are not likely to in my view.  I feel very sorry for
Muslims who've lived in Oz for many years.  I worked with many over my
career and never had a problem with any of them.

After 9/11 Bush and Howard decided it was politically astute to launch a
fear and smear campaign against Islam.  Maybe Tony Blair did the same.  I
don't really know.

If the US hadn't interfered in the politics of so many countries (50 I
believe is the best estimate) since WWII, I expect the tragedy of 9/11
simply wouldn't have happened.

And Britain and France shouldn't get off scot free either.  They promised
the Arabs their own nation if they supported the "Allies" in WWI.  They
never delivered.  And after WWII they diddled the Arabs again by
conveniently creating Israel, which since has almost become a US fortress.

Is there any wonder why plenty of Arabs feel dreadfully cheated?  It
doesn't necessarily even have anything to do with religion.

The diatribe finished with ...

 "This is an extremely important problem.  As a Christian, I firmly believe
  that the only way to eternal salvation is through Jesus Christ.   If left
  unchallenged,  the demographics prove that my great grandchildren,
  and all subsequent generations of my family will likely be raised muslim.
  That condemns them to Hell.  It is a sobering thought."

I have never read anything so puerile.

As a Christian, I would have thought that Jesus would say "live and let
live".  Love everyone as you love yourself.  What is the point of all this
fear and angst?

The fact is that Indonesia is the fourth largest country in the world. 
It's the biggest predominantly Muslim country.  It's also a democracy.  Do
they crucify Christians and Jews there?  Not at all.  There even is a
strong and happy Hindu faith there.

Surely Jesus would tell us to get on with these people ... rather than
victimising and persecuting them.  Imperialistic (alleged) Christians in
the past have been far worse massacring people of other faiths than any
Muslims in more recent times.

Let's start worrying about the world financial crisis (caused by greedy
capitalists) and climate change (also caused by greedy capitalists) rather
than worrying about who's praying to who ... and whether or not the person
next door deserves to go to Heaven.  Let's start worrying about whether
you yourself will go to Heaven.

Jesus showed us the light.  As did many prophets in other faiths.  Let's
just start being a bit more nice to each other!


And now ...    Let the show begin ...


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First up a few jokes from GG ... could it be the Governor General?

                                        Honeybun

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin,
etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still
very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, 'I
think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your wife
those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her
name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her
what it is---!'

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                                           Banks

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year
only two banks will be left operational .... The Blood Bank and The Sperm
Bank !

Before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full
of bloody w@nkers!


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                                       Get a Grip!

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son ...   He gives the
young boy 3 five cent pieces to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly,
the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.. The father realizes the
boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back..  The
boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the
father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last
nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and
walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as
he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes
over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,"I've never seen anybody
do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied. "I'm with the ATO" (Australian Tax Office).


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                                  Cricketing Wisdom

A little known fact...

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet
was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realise that the brain is also important.

NO COMMENT!


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From Zalaga in Nottingham


Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room
and Donald wanted to have s*x with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was,
'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have s*x.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had
condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and
gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, I'll thucking suffocate ...


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                                    Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since
his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as... Knowing when
to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, Life isn't
always fair... and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults... not children, are in
charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with s*xual harassment for kissing a classmate on the cheek, teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch without written
permission from the school head, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an
unruly and violent pupil, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job
that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent
to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a pupil, but could not inform
parents when a pupil became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses, and
criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his
wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights I Want It Now
Someone
Else Is To Blame I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you
still remember him, pass this on.

If not, join the majority and do nothing.


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The Allnutts selection ...

Freaky stuff!

One for the chocolate lovers (and mathematicians which I think may be
mutually exclusive).....

This is good!!!

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway - but
the
Hershey Man will know! YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

This is pretty neat.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! It takes less than a minute . Work
this out as you read . Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've
worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 .. If you
haven't, add 1758.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (i. e., how many times you
want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE
IT
LASTS.

Chocolate Calculator.


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                                       Globalisation

FINALLY, a definition of globalisation I can understand and to which I can
relate :

Question : What is the truest definition of Globalisation?

Answer : Princess Diana's death.

Question : How come?

Answer : An English princess with An Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French
tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who
was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the
spelling).  Followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, n Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an Australian, using Bill Gates's USA technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese
chips,
and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore
plant,
transported by Indian truck-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by
Maltese wharfies, and trucked to you by Kiwi freeloaders

That, my friends, is Globalisation!


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                            Touching Prayer from a child

Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer......

Amen!


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This came from our Burnout up in the Sunshine State

                                       The Big Pull

A man goes to the dentist have a tooth pulled....

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot. "No way! No
needles! I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. "I
can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection" the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says" Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist" but it will give you something to hold onto
when I pull your tooth.


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Diks sent this in

                  The beauty of our fifty states..... Awesome!

Sit down and relax while this video shows you the beauty of our country.

This is a video of the 50 states and it only takes 3 minutes - it's
awesome!

When you click on the map, the outline of the United States will appear and
frame all of the pictures slowly in a slide type presentation.

Put your speakers on in a low tone, to go along with the mood that is
created.

Click here: Click here

Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't
pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for,
protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend
our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it
was once like in the United States where men were free - Ronald Reagan


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This lot came from Stumpy Steve

                                        Old Sailor

An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once
more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a
room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some
reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?? '

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots'

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean? ?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your
money back!'


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                                  Gordon the Chicken

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters,
to fertilise the pullets' eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup
pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a
set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a
different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency
report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was
too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Gordon's bell hadn't
rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's
amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the London Exhibition
and
Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also
awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?


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                                      Sad News

It is with great sadness that we inform you that Kermit the Frog has died
at the age of 54.

1955-2009

Swine Flu has been determined to be the cause of death. His last words were
"That f@#*ing pig told me she was clean"


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Nice to get something after so long from Wellington Ben.  I still love his
signature file!!


Hey Davo and co.  Here's something for Friday Humour:

New internet dating service - especially designed for us Kiwi blokes. :)

 Click here - don't be sheepish, take a look.


cheers,
Ben.

"To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be."
No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the Dog
next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you! Those of you with
an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there
is no hidden message revealed by reading this notice backwards.
If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg
whites and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it
stand for 2 hours before icing.


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Here's some stuff from Billm

                     How to protect your e-mail address book

A computer repairman says this is like having gold. This is a good thing. I
learned a computer trick today that's really ingenious in its simplicity.

As you may know, when/if a worm virus gets into your computer it heads
straight for your email address book, and sends itself to everyone in
there,
thus infecting all your friends and associates.

This trick won't keep the virus from getting into your computer, but it
will stop it from using your address book to spread further, and it will
alert you to the fact that the worm has gotten into your system.

Here's what you do:

First, open your address book and click on 'new contact,' just as you would
do if you were adding a new friend to your list of email addresses. In the
window where you would type your friend's first name, type in ' A'.

For the screen name or email address, type AAAAAAA@AAA.AAA

Now, here's what you've done and why it works: The 'name 'A' will be placed
at the top of your address book as entry #1.

This will be where the worm will start in an effort to send itself to all
your friends. When it tries to send itself to AAAAAAA@AAA.AAA, it will be
undeliverable because of the phony email address you entered. If the first
attempt fails (which it will because of the phony address), the worm goes
no further and none of your friends will be infected.

Here's the second great advantage of this method: If an email cannot be
delivered, you will be notified of this in your In Box almost immediately.
Hence, if you ever get an email telling you that an email addressed to
AAAAAAA@AAA.AAA could not be delivered, you know right away that you have
the worm virus in your system. You can then take steps to get rid of it!

Pretty slick huh?

If everybody you know does this then you need not ever worry about opening
mail from friends.

DO IT NOW and pass this on to all your friends.


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                          Swine....... doesn't take long!

Just phoned the NHS swine flu helpline and all I got was crackling.

How did the pig go on holiday? The swine flu

Swine flu isn't a problem for pigs, because they're all going to be cured
anyway.

The first sign of pig flu is that you come out in nasty rashers.

If you want a clear train carriage on the way into work this week, just
start coughing loudly and exclaiming "Iválgame dios!" in a Mexican accent.

Swine flu is getting serious, it has been reported to be a hamdemic, which
may lead to an aporkolypse... But we'll get through. Where there's a swill
there's a way.

This little piggy went to market, This little piggy stayed at home, This
little piggy had roast beef, This little piggy had none. And this little
piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase
protein 1.

The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal
application of oinkment.

My friend says he's got swine flu, but I think he's telling porkies.

I have to say, I'm finding all these jokes about swine flu pretty boaring.


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This lot came from Croydon Caz near Nestles' HQ

                                       Miss Right

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 18 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I was lucky to find a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 32 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was
great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless so I decided to
find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 40, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am much older and wiser now. I'm looking for a girl with big tits.


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                                THE LOVING HUSBAND

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down,
another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to
him.

"No", he says "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the
year,
and not use it?"

He says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to
come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't
been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that.... that's terrible. I guess you couldn't
find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the
seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."


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                                          Q & A

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE
exam results in Maldon, Ess*x. They are apparently genuine responses (from
16 yearolds)!

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A:
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between
the
Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there
is no water on the moon, and Nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun
joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a
house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important.
Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your
bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his
boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an
A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e. g. abdomen) A: The
body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal
cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and
lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and
U.

Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent
contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean
section is a district in Rome .

Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A:
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning. A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after
you be eight.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head


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From Moose

                                      Coincidence?

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of
Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian
racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs
around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It gets worse........ next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?


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Some stuff drom Seasoldier

                         THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER

Judy and Ted got married and had 13 children.

Then Ted died of heart disease.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Again Judy remarried, and this time

She & John had 5 more children.

Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

"Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"

Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

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A quickie from Kaos-reflex

                                       You Swine

Just phoned the swine flu helpline and all I got was crackling.

Swine flu isn't a problem for pigs, because they're all going to be cured
anyway. The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal
application of oinkment.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza
A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1. 

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This week's AV files are from Croydon Caz, Seasoldier, Mad Mick of Marwick,
Burnout, Zalaga, The Duke of Barsinov, Whizzbang, Mitta, Allnutts, and you
know who you are.


Niks gebeurd...! I am good............
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With training, anything's possible!
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Trivia about Railroads & Trains...and Space Shuttles
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5
inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates
built the US Railroads. Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the
pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that
they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break
on some long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the
wheel ruts.
So who built those roads with the ruts? [cid:
006e01c9d38a$e0aab040$0100000a@deb]
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England )
for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Well Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to
match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were
made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the wheel spacing.
So thats why the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5
inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman
war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder which horse's
ar*e came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman
army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the ar*e ends of
two war horses!
Now, the twist to the story is ...
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big
booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are
solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their
factory at
Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them
a bit wider, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to
the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the
mountains.
And the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad
track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' ar*es.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's
most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years
ago and still built the width of a horse's ar*e.
And - you thought being a HORSE'S ARSE wasn't important!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

New Australian Version of Windows
 Click here

That's incredible!
 Click here

Fermented Fruit!!
This is all in French, so let me interpret for you before you watch the
short clip. There is a fruit tree in the desert and all the animals love
this fruit and just cannot wait for it to ripen and drop from the tree.
Some animals help it along in dropping its fruit. As the fruit lays in the
hot sun it begins to ferment, and I think that is enough to understand the
rest of the story.
 Click here

You can with a Nissan  ONLY IN South Africa.
Every once in a while a tale so bizarre that it can only be described as
weirder than fiction walks through the doors of the Daily Dispatch. Monday
was such a day. It came in the form of Peddie chief traffic officer Johann
Jooste, who took these pictures. See below for the story he had to tell.
Jooste said he was in his office at the Ngqushwa Municipality when he heard
a commotion and went outside to see what it was all about.
"At first, I thought the driver was ferrying the cow on the bakkie's roof.
Then the driver got out, and told us that he was here to report an
accident," an incredulous Jooste said.
Apparently, the driver hit the cow on the N2 outside Peddie and the animal
flipped right over, landing on the tough little Nissan 1400's roof.
The shocked, but uninjured driver proceeded to the traffic department, with
the cow on top of the bakkie.
Jooste said the unfortunate animal suffered serious injuries and was to be
put down.
"In all my 29 years as a traffic officer, I have never seen something like
this," Jooste added.
All the Dispatch Online team can say is: "Only in the Eastern Cape."
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For the blokes in the shed...................
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Breaking news... celebrity swine flu fatality...
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High Jack
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Golf
+++ File links:
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No Asians
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Ha-ha love these
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Hotelicopter
Now, we have the Hotelicopter the worlds first flying hotel made from a
huge
Soviet-made Mil V-12 helicopter.
Designed with the sophisticated, affluent traveler in mind, the
Hotelicopter has 18 lavish rooms for people on the hunt for a truly unique
inimitable travel experience.
Each soundproofed room comes with a queen-sized bed, fine linens, a
mini-bar, coffee machine, wireless internet access, flat screen LCD TVs
and a range of amenities you'd look for in a flying five star hotel.
Other lavish features include private entertainment systems, showers, spa
treatments, Jacuzzi, yoga classes, arcade gaming, a tea garden,
babysitting & Kids Kamp, blackjack/ping-pong table and playground for
kids.
The flying hotel will take its first flight this summer.
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Things that make you say, "Oh Dear!!"
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JUST BEAUTIFUL
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If only one life is saved
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Housewife of the Year??
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Creation, a new perspective
 Click here

World's Best Graffiti...
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New Ford [XXX]
IT'S CALLED A SNATCHBACK
 Click here

JSpringer
 Click here

Public Displays of Affection (Hope nobody's watching)
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Jury Duty
 Click here

Now THAT'S a bike!
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Get rid of dead sh*ts adults only
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The cutest ass you will ever see
 Click here

Pictures that Speak Emotions... BEAUTIFUL
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From the Duke of B

                                       The Barber 

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
for the cost and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money  from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop. 
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. 

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.  The next
morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a
dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door. 

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he
tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very
happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his
shop, there is a
'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your
Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.' 

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to
pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very
happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open
up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free
haircut.  

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament. 


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And from Seasoldier

                                     The Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano,
and
I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar
boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

4 months vacation and five good leads.


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                           Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the
final plateau.

If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If
she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone
money.

And as she suspected, the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.

It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own
nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:

A) the condor

B) the buzzard

C) the cuckoo

D) the vulture

The woman was on the spot..... She did not know the answer.

She had used up her '50/50' Lifeline and her 'Ask the Audience'
Lifeline..... All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.

She hoped she would not have to use it because........ Her friend was, well
... a blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave
her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded
unhesitatingly:

'That's easy.... The answer is 'C - the cuckoo.'

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered
employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her
friend had given her.

And considering her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical
thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such
certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes, that is my final answer.'

'That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a Millionaire!!!!!!!'

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends,
including the blonde who had helped her win the Million Dollars.

'Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you, ' said the contestant.

'How did you happen to know the right answer?'

'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build
nests.

They live in clocks!'


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                                     Italian Golfer

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is
amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such
great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in
such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down
the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still
alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with
me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had
a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a
golfer,
too..'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nono's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather' s still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'


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Finally, it wouldn't be Friday Humour without something from Whizzbang

                                  Men and their toys

Electric Fence - This is too Funny!!

Obviously written by a guy, so forgive his somewhat explicit
expressions....

A bit gross, but still humorous...

Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an
electric fence!

We have the standard 6ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle
charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. Long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the
fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push
mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact
that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I
hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my
balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled
downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside
of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel
the spark in my head.
I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the lawnmower were fighting over
who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and BAM
BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes
in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust
pulses from a big block Chevy.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let
go.
I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always
had those fence chargers made by International or whoever, that were like
9 volts and just kinda tickled. This, I could not let go of. The 8 foot
long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp
Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have
to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, ji*z, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God,
please die... Pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough, lumpy,
camshaft idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam, EFI
motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in
my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day....
he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
stupidity had created...

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on
the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was
later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass
spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot
were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had
somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced
sleep, I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek

(not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you
might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sonabitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives
me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple
check before I mow.


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Quote of the Week:


  "It's been rivers of gold, flowing into their vaults, which they're
   desperate to hang on to.  We don't regard that as a legitimate
   way to foster a relationship with your customers."


                  Christopher Zinn, "Choice" spokesman, on bank fees


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[ End friday humour ]

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