Friday humour - May 15, 2009

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Over the last several weeks we have been getting a much higher than normal
influx of contributions containing "facts" which are actually hoaxes. The
"Mars closest approach" is an old (and untrue) favourite which just keeps
on popping up, but my favourite is the "Pensioner v/s Refugee" chestnut
which just wont die, and there are many others. As editors we don’t want
to be too PC, well not PC at all really, but readers keep writing to us
telling us these things are hoaxes. Trust me - we know!

In the past I have included some of them because I think it is "funny" that
people still believe the rubbish. It seems the more sensational or
outrageous the "facts" are the more true they must be. The increase in
feedback we are getting must mean that readers aren't seeing the funny
side as I do, so we will probably start culling them more assiduously.

If you don’t want to promulgate nonsense and you aren't sure, or even if 
you are suspicious, before you submit go to snopes.com 
 Click here
which is the definitive reference for internet hoaxes. It is easy to search.

And also this week we have the inevitable bevy of swine 'flu jokes too.

This weeks contributors included Allnutts, Biggus, Billm, Burnout,
Cartographer Chris, Croydon Caz, Kaos_reflex, Mad Mick from
Marwick, Mitta, Nottingham Smithie, Stumpy Steve, The Great Gussius and
Whizzbang. Enjoy.

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Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them?
Mum said: "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your Knickers".

Susie said: "I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag"!!

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A little bit of Aussie culcha.....

LOG ON:         Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF:        Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR:        Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD:       Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE:     Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD:       Where you hang the Ute keys..
WINDOW:         What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN:         What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE:           What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE:       What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP:           A bar snack.
MICROCHIP:      What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM:          What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP:         Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE:       Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE:       Stainless steel knives & forks ? from K-Mart.
MOUSE:          The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME:      What holds the shed up.
WEB:            What spiders make.
WEBSITE:        Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE:  What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR:         What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO:          What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE:        A steep hill..
SERVER:         The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER:    The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER:           The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK:        What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET:       Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE:       What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE:         Where you hang the washing.   
OFFLINE:        Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong
enough.

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I was in the pub last night, & needed to fart. The music was loud, so I
waited for the beat & let rip. Felt a little better, but still had wind,
for the next 5 minutes I was farting to the beat, then I noticed people
were staring at me.

It was at this point I remembered I was listening to my i-Pod

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I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called
"Responsibly".

That way everyone in the country can get wasted drinking Responsibly.

And all the other drinks makers will be advertising for me on their cans
with the slogan "please drink Responsibly".

Probably will annoy the government as well.

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The big bad wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house
down". The little pig said "bugger off or I'll sneeze on you"

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How to stop church gossip ...

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being
an alcoholic when she saw his old pickup truck parked at the towns only bar
one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that
everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Frank, a man of few
words, stared at her for a moment and just turned, and walked away. He
didn't explain, defend, or deny.. .... He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house...walked home...and left it there all night!!!

You gotta love Frank.

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New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds
off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to
join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about s*x every 10
seconds. Old guys only think about s*x a couple of times a day,
leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on
the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is
a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.'
We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some as*hole that desperately
deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always
get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and
can't sleep,' and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some
fanatical s-of-a-b....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put
them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and
yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an
appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get
out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat
and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor
did I ever do any push ups after completing basic training. Actually, the
running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone
outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to
shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't
figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back
of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more
about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last
thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million p*ssed off old
farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years
are already behind them.

***How about recruiting menopausal Women over the age of 50 ... !!! You
think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the
first night!

Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can
read it.

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Economics explained

It is mid August. In a small town on the South Coast of France. Holiday
season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much
business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt.

Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local
hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception
counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on
the third floor.

The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his butcher to
whom he owes E100.

The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some
time ago.

The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave
him her services on credit.

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for
her hourly room use to entertain clients.

At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs
the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his
E100 back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the
small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.

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A little boy says to his mother,
"Mommy, how come I'm black, and you're white?"
Wiping a tear from her eye, his mother replied,
"Darling, from what I can remember about that party, you're lucky you don't
bark!

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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks
how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to
zip down.'

Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him
in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man
replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

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An Important Message About Growing Old ...

Shit! I forgot what I was going to tell you ...

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- I feel really crappy
- Are you hungover?
- No, it's this wine flu

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My yoga book says: "In order to achieve a healthy lifestyle, you need to
listen to what your body tells you it needs."

Great advice! So far my body seems to mostly need beer and s*x.

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A friend of mine in the Army is on secondment to the Poms in the Parachute
Regiment has been stationed in Switzerland for the last 2 years. He has
recently married a local girl who can wash up with one hand, cook with the
other, dust with her foot whilst sucking his c*ck as she opens a beer with
her ar*e! ...

She's a Swiss Army Wife ...

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Waterboarding a smug reporter. He knows it's no big deal. He knows he can
take it. He trained to take it. He made a bet of $1 per second. He figured
about 60 seconds.
 Click here
But, it's still NOT torture!
Now we know what it's really like, and so does he.

How a BUTTERFLY destroyed my neighbour's roof!
 Click here

Swine Flu Decontamination at work ...
 Click here

Good Morning!!!
 Click here

My kind of luck ...
 Click here

I saw this picture and wondered ... what is she hanging on to?
 Click here
Answer: His stimulus package.

Star Wars...Snatch Wars (Snatch Vs Star Wars) [language]
 Click here

Breaking news - Celebrity swine flue death: Tragic news:
 Click here

Toiletpapier adverts
 Click here Click here

Ride! on an elephant
 Click here

Breaking news - Celebrity Swine Flu Fatality
 Click here

This is how to fish in Texas.
I was going to build the Gazebo on the edge of my dock down by the lake but
I thought I might just as well build the deck with floats on it and I can
then take it out fishing too...It has 15,000# capacity. The deck is 18ft x
18ft with 12 plastic foam filled dock floats that are 4ft x 4ft by 18
inches high and the Gazebo is 10 ft. Hexagon with a table and chairs.
Inside, under the table is my trolling motor so I can take it out to my
favorite fishing hole.. The trolling motor is remote controlled wireless
so I can be fishing outside and operate the motor. On the top of the table
I have a LOWRANCE Fish-Finder with depth sounding sonar's and temp gauge. I
have 2 electric winches with 40# anchors. I have also built in a water pump
so I can clean the fish right on the spot.
Now I can relax and fish while my wife can sit and relax.
 Click here

Hi-speed photos
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Inside the tube
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Pig Flu Hits Glasgow
 Click here

Why women have breasts [clever]
 Click here

Gaviscon - mistake or intentional ...
 Click here

The Heineken bottle trick -- OUTSTANDING !!!
 Click here

All kinds of transportation.
 Click here

Was it you?
 Click here Click here

Jumbo Landing, Great footage
 Click here

An Oldie but a goodie! [XXX]
 Click here

Motivations
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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