Friday humour - May 08, 2009

Thank You all for your contributions - without you we cannot publish FH -
Nottingham Smithie

I got this from a friend today who is a retired lawyer, and thought it made
an interesting read........................

Muslim countries are all ruled, either formally or informally, by religious
oligarchies consisting of the mullahs.  In all of them, the
Koran is the centerpiece of their political and social lives.  For example:

"Saudi Arabia - Constitution

{ Adopted on: March 1992 }
{ Adopted by Royal decree of King Fahd } { ICL Doc*ment Status: Oct 1993 }

Chapter 1 General Principles

Article 1
The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia is a sovereign Arab Islamic state with
Islam as its religion; God's Book and the Sunnah of His Prophet, God's
prayers and peace be upon him, are its constitution, Arabic is its
language and Riyadh is its capital."

That is what will happen to all countries, once they are taken over by the
muslims.  Constitutions will be scrapped and replaced with the koran,
countries without constitutions will have their laws replaced with sharia
law.  There will also be vast social reformation.  The schools will teach
the koran and the muslim way of life.  Christians and Jews will be
persecuted, and intense efforts will be made to erase all signs of
Christian heritage from the landscape.  Western civilization will not only
be over and gone, but all signs of it will be eradicated as if it never
existed.  I wouldn't doubt that history will be rewritten to condemn and
marginalize everything Christian.

The demographic numbers make a clear and simple case.  This will happen. 
Unless we stop it.  I've given some thought to how it might be stopped. 
There are very few alternatives, and none of them are easy or pleasant.

1.  We could pass strict procreation laws requiring licenses for pregnancy,
and forcing abortions on unlicensed pregnant females.  Then we could
administratively maintain an "acceptable" ratio of muslim to
Christian babies;
2.  We could close our borders to muslim immigrants;
3.  We could offer big incentives to Christian families to have more
babies;
4.  We could offer big incentives to third world Christians to immigrate.

Ultimately, even these measures would probably prove insufficient.

I think the bottom line question is:  Are we going to quietly allow
Christianity and western civilization to disappear without a trace, or are
we going to fight.  The situation puzzles me.  Why was Britain so
determined to fight Hitler?  How were the Nazis of 1940 that much worse
than the muslims of today?  Certainly they both have the same attitude
toward the Jews.  The Nazis threatened us with their guns,
but they had their book (Mein Kampf) close behind.  The muslims threaten us
with their book (the koran), but they have their guns close behind.  I fail
to see much difference.

So, what will happen if our governments don't act decisively to forestall
the muslim invasion?  First, smaller political entities will fall.  The
saracens will take city councils, county governments, state governments,
etc.  Ever increasing areas of our countries will become muslim.  The
koran and sharia law will incrementally start encroaching on and replacing
the Bible and western law.  By the time the muslims have actually achieved
a majority in your House of Commons and my
House of Representatives, our countries will already be lost to islam.  In
the meantime, Christians and Jews will be fleeing.  First,
they will sell their homes (probably to muslims) and move to another more
Christian area of the country.  Christians and Jews will continue to be
squeezed in that manner until their backs are against the wall with
nowhere else to go.  Then, it's surrender or fight.  Actually, I suspect
in America the fighting will break out at the State level.  At least in
the American West, I can't see the Christian citizens allowing a State
Legislature to become predominantly muslim without shedding blood over the
issue.  Of course, the demographics show that you Britons will be faced
with these choices much sooner than we.

This is an extremely important problem.  As a Christian, I firmly believe
that the only way to eternal salvation is through Jesus
Christ.   If left unchallenged,  the demographics prove that my great
grandchildren, and all subsequent generations of my family will likely be
raised muslim.  That condemns them to Hell.  It is a sobering thought.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Allnutts............God vs Science.

A science professor begins his school year with a lecture to the students,
'Let me explain the problem science has with religion.' The atheist pro
fessor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new
students to stand.

'You're a Christian, aren't you, son?'
'Yes sir,' the student says.

'So you believe in God?'
'Absolutely. '

'Is God good?'
'Sure! God's good.'

'Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?'
'Yes.'

'Are you good or evil?'
'The Bible says I'm evil.'

The professor grins knowingly. 'Aha! The Bible!' He considers for a moment.
'Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can
cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?'

'Yes sir, I would.'

'So you're good....!'
'I wouldn't say that.'

'But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could.
Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't.'

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. 'He doesn't, does
he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed
to
Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?'

The student remains silent.
'No, you can't, can you?' the professor says. He takes a sip of water from
a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.

'Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?'
'Er...yes,' the student says.

'Is Satan good?'
The student do esn't hesitate on this one. 'No.'

'Then where does Satan come from?'
The student falters. 'From God'

'That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in
this world?'
'Yes, sir.'

'Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?'

'Yes.'

'So who created evil?' The professor continued, 'If God created everything,
then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle
that our works define who we are, then God is evil.'

Again, the student has no answer. 'Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred?
Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?'

The student squirms on his feet. 'Yes.'

'So who created them?'

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question.
'Who created them?' There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks
away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. 'Tell
me,' he continues onto another student. 'Do you believe in Jesus Christ,
son?'

The student's voice betrays him and cracks. 'Yes, professor, I do.'

The old man stops pacing. 'Science says you have five senses you use to
identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?'

'No sir. I've never seen Him.'

'Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?'
'No, sir, I have not.'

'Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have
you ever had ! any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that
matter?'

'No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't.'
'Yet you still believe in him?'
'Yes.'

'According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol,
science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?'

'Nothing,' the student replies. 'I only have my faith.'
'Yes, faith,' the professor repeats. 'And that is the problem science has
with God. There is no evidence, only faith.'

At the back of the room another student stands quietly for a moment before
asking a question of His own. 'Professor, is there such thing as heat?'

'Yes,' the professor replies. 'There's heat.'

'And is there such a thing as cold?'
'Yes, son, there's cold too.'
'No sir, there isn't.'

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room
suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain. 'You can have
lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white
heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'.
We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go
any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would
be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees.'

'Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits
energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy.
Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is
only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure
cold.
Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not
the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.'

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding
like a hammer.

'What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?'

'Yes,' the professor replies without hesitation. 'What is night if it isn't
darkness?'

'You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of
something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing
light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's
called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word.'

'In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness
darker, wouldn't you?'

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be
a good semester. 'So what point are you making, young man?'

'Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start
with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed.'

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. 'Flawed? Can you
explain how?'

'You are working on the premise of duality,' the student explains. 'You
argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God.
You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can
measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought.'

'It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully
understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be
ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death
is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it.'

'Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from
a monkey?'

'If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes,
of course I do.'

'Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?'

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where
the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

'Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot
even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching
your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?'

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has
subsided.

'To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me
give you an example of what I mean.'

The student looks around the room. 'Is there anyone in the class who has
ever seen the professor's brain?' The class breaks out into laughter.

'Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the
professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears
to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical,
stable,
demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due
respect, sir.'

'So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures,
sir?'

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face
unreadable.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. 'I guess you'll
have to take them on faith.'

'Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with
life,' the student continues. 'Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?'

Now uncertain, the professor responds, 'Of course, there is. We see it
everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in
the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These
manifestations are nothing else but evil.'

To this the student replied, 'Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does
not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like
darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of
God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man
does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that
comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no
light.'

The professor sat down.

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+++ Time: 20090429074740
+++ From: Allnutts +++ Subject: FW: THE WEDDING TEST +++ Possible duplicate
text in FH issue 20080125 - 210 words beginning:
    the wedding test i was a very happy man my wonderful girlfriend ...
+++ Possible duplicate text in FH issue 20080125 - 72 words beginning:
    opened the door and headed straight towards my car lo and behold ...
+++ Content:

THE WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful
younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was
near me,
and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because
she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me
that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed
my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild
fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door.


I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very
happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:


ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CONDOMS IN YOUR CAR!!!!


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From: Allnutts..................Hospital stay:

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other
outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I am a little
nervous.'

The first kid says,
'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and
ice cream.
Don't worry . . . it's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks,
'What are you here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circ*mcision.'
'Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I
was born. Couldn't walk for a year.'

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 From: Burnout..................Woodstock Translation

Finally, after 40 years, someone has opened the vault and revealed the
answer to a question that has clawed at our brains since the 1969
Woodstock album was released:
What the hell were the lyrics to Joe Cocker's version of 'A Little Help
From My Friends'?
He was so wigged-out and loopy on a multitude of drugs, no one has been
able to understand his garbled, mush-mouth version.

...until now!

Click link below for the lyrics .. FINALLY IT'S CRYSTAL CLEAR!

 Click here

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From: Cartographer Chris

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they strike up
a conversation.

The black Lab turns to the chocolate Lab and says, 'So why are you here?'

The brown Lab replies, 'I'm a p*sser. I p*ss on everything....the sofa, the
curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
p*ssed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

The black Lab says , 'So what is the vet going to do?'

'Gonna cut my nuts off,' comes the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They
reckon it'll calm me down.'

The black Lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, 'Why are you here?'

The yellow Lab says , 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole
in my owners couch.'

'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquires .

'Looks like I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab says.

The yellow Lab then turns to the black Lab and asks, 'Why are you here?'

'I'm a humper,' the black Lab says .. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything
I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending
down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.
I hopped on her back and started hammering away'

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchange a sad glance one of them says ....
'So, nuts off for you too, huh?'

The black Lab says ....'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!!'

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From: Moose.....................this would be laughable if it wasn't true.

The Australian Government does it again...
Australian Government Refugee Allowances vs.Aust Pensioners

It is interesting that the Federal Government provides a Single Refugee
with a monthly allowance of $1,890.00 and each can also get an additional
$580. 00 in Social Assistance, so a total of $2,470.00 per month..
Family of 4 can receive $9,880.00 per month or yearly $118,685

A single Australian pensioner who, after contributing to the growth and
development of  Australia for 40 to 50 years, receives only a  monthly
maximum of $1,012.00 in old age pension and Guaranteed
Income Supplement. (Maybe our pensioners should apply as refugees!)

*Let's send this to all Australians so we can all be ticked off and maybe
we can get  the refugees cut back to $1,012.00 and the pensioners up to
$2,470.00 and enjoy some of the money we are forced to submit to the
Government in taxes.

* KEEP Forwarding  to every Australian to expose what our elected
politicians are doing to the over-taxed Australians


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 From: Nottingham Smithie................. Swine flew

Apropos swine flu, which is neither funny nor has any connection to the
following, but for a little amusement in dark times:

And Pigs Might Fly...........author not known

It was crisis day in the parliament
The house was hushed and still.
A member rose with a question
"Are we doomed to go downhill?"

"I am confident of an upturn",
The PM made reply.
"If workers pay is held at bay,
We'll all be home and dry."

"How true, how true", cried the workers.
"Let's end this wicked strike.
We don't want a rise in wages,
They can stick it where they like."

"Thank God, Thank God", sobbed the bosses.
"There's faith on the factory floor.
And now we've got this extra lot
We'll give it to the poor."

They filled their pockets with money
And ran with eager feet
Pressing their surplus profits
On the people in the street.

They moved among the dole queues
And boarded every bus
With streaming eyes and heartfelt cries
"You need it more than us".

Soon all the people prospered
And the devil became a saint
Now the sober unions
Had exercised restraint.

The cities were filled with singing
And the sound of laughter spread
As hand took hand in the golden land and pigs flew overhead.


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 From: Nottingham Smithie

I've just tried phoning the NHS Swine Flu helpline but there is just a load
of crackling on the line!


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From: Seasoldier
Please Read this to the end. It could change your life!!!

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired
and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost
anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are
equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend,
send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the list, and add
your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound
to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184
women, of whom 4 were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day
he received a Play-
boy model.

An unmarried man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between
a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood supermodel.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE
CHAIN! One man broke the chain, and got his own wife back again.

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 From: Seasoldier
The Redhead (A Real Beauty !!)

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful,
wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy
is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you
are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

      'No,' she replies. . .


      Wait for it.

      It's coming. .


      The suspense is killing you, isn't it?


      She says:
      'You just happened to catch my eye.'


      (Oh shut up, and just forward it!)


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 From: Stumpy Steve

Bored on your way to work? Stuck on a crowded bus/train/tube? Pretend to
phone a friend, talk loudly about just getting back from a fantastic 4
week holiday in
Mexico...............................................................................................................then
sneeze!!!

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 From: Stumpy Steve
 Best sick note


Dear Boss,

I thought I should inform you immediately that I will be unable to attend
work today due to my being stung by a wasp whilst sleeping last night.
 As I'm sure you will no doubt appreciate the weather has been extremely
warm, leading to my sleeping unclothed and without any bed sheets.
 It is this position of sleeping which left me vulnerable to the wasp's
attack.
As proof of my dire circ*mstances, I attach a picture of my discomforting
situation.
I trust that this will suffice until I produce the usual statutory
certification.

 Click here


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 From: Stumpy Steve

Did you hear about the fire in the three storey flats in Bradford, England
?
An east European family of six lived on the first floor. They all perished
in the fire.
A Pakistani family of eight lived on the second floor. They also perished.
A white couple lived on the third floor. They survived.

Local Muslim society demanded to know why the whites survived when the
others didn't.
The fire brigade said the answer was simple: the white couple were at work
when the fire broke out.


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 From: Stumpy Steve

Wife runs out of petrol, rings husband and says "I'm scared to fill up 'cos
of this swine flu." "You daft bugger" says husband "It's in Mexico - not
Texaco".

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From: Stumpy Steve

While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Devon farmer, who cut it on a
gate while working cattle, the rural doctor struck up a conversation with
the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Gordon Brown and his
appointment as Prime Minister.

"Well, you know," drawled the old farmer, "this Brown fellow is what they
call a fencepost tortoise."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost
tortoise was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come
across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's called a
fencepost tortoise."


The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to
explain,


"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong
up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just
have to wonder what kind of idiot put him up there in the first place."


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 From: Whizzbang
Rabbits


                  Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits
and another 2, how many will you have?

                  Johnny: Seven Sir

                  Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits,
and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

                  Johnny: Seven

                  Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you
2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

                  Johnny: Six.

                  Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2
rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

                  Johnny: Seven!

                  Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from?

                  Johnny: Because I f***king have 1 at home.


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 From: Whizzbang
 FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT............PSALM 2009 - 2012

FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT


Kevin is the shepherd I did not want.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my faith in the Liberal party.
He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line,
I shall fear no hunger for his bailouts are with me.
He has anointed my income with taxes,
My expenses runneth over.
Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life
And I will live in a rented home forever.
I am glad I am Australian,
I am glad that I am free.
But I wish I was a dog and Kevin was a tree


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From: Allnutts

Russia Honors USA 911

 Click here


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 From: Allnutts
Night Shift

 Click here Click here


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From: Anonymous
PORTUGUESE WATER DOG...

 Click here Click here

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From: Burnout
 Swine Flu.........

 Click here

This is how it's transmitted......
 Click here

You little bastard - you've killed us all.........

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 From: Burnout

 Click here

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 From: Croydon Caz
 Brilliant

 Click here

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 From: Croydon Caz  - Asda Pizza Complaint

 Click here

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From: Croydon Caz
Laughter is the BEST medicine. .. .

 Click here


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From: Croydon Caz
Why Seniors Don't Go Boating Much....

 Click here

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From: Croydon Caz
 New Renault Clio !!!

 Click here


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From: Croydon Caz
ALWAYS...twirl once in front of the mirror

 Click here

This is exactly why we should always, ALWAYS... twirl once in front of the
mirror before leaving the  house.

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  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Croydon Caz
the storm.......

 Click here

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  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Digi Maria
Darwin Road Sign

 Click here

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 From: Duke of Barsinov
 A.A. Milne Revisited

 Click here

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  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: KRP from Coffs Harbour


 Click here

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 From: Kaos_reflex
More of the H1M1 flu - it's shocking !!

 Click here

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 From: Kaos_reflex
How it all started?

 Click here

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 From: Kaos_reflex
 Doesn't take long.

 Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Kaos_reflex
 Dimitri

 Click here


Read below message b4 listening.

This would have to be one of the most 'out there' phone messages I have
ever heard!

This control freak sure believes he is something special!


Stay on the line after the first message, there are two messages in total.


Well, all you single guys have just made a quantum leap up the pecking
order of dating!!!!

The story is this: a girl was out with friends having drinks on King Street
(in Toronto)

This guy approaches her and won't leave her alone - saying how cute she is.

She finally gives in and hands the guy her business card.

The attached is an MP3 file of not one, but TWO voicemails this guy left
her.

I have NEVER heard anything like this before.

This goes down in the history books.

Especially the second voice mail.

Ladies: this is what's out there.. .....have a listen...

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From: Moose
Noosa Beach Unit

Hi All,

I haven't said anything to anybody about this until now because I wanted to
wait until things were final.

I've purchased a 1-bedroom unit on Noosa Beach as an investment property.

Closed the deal Friday and thought that I would let you all know in case
anyone is interested in accommodation for long weekends at the beach.

It's available for weekends and on a weekly basis.  I will be handling
bookings until I can find an agent.

For friends and family, I'm asking $100 for weekends up to three nights,
& $250 per week. In any case, it's a 1 bedroom, high-rise unit that
overlooks the ocean, nestled among lush green trees, and has a lovely
ocean view from every window!

See photo below.

Let me know if you're interested.

 Click here

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How to fail a breathalizer

 Click here


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Moose
Swine flu.

 Click here


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  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
 The Thousand Islands - Beautiful pictures

 Click here

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  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Nottingham Smithie
 winnie the pooh

 Click here

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 From: Seasoldier
A few chuckles

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 From: Seasoldier  Drag her off the bench - THIS IS CRAAAAZY

 Click here

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Stumpy Steve
 The difference between Hawaii and Glasgow
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


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From: The Great Gussius
 Say no to Cadburys merging with Nestle

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
WTF?

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Whizzbang
 are you hungry??

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Whizzbang
 You will never see this again!!!

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Whizzbang
  Why One is 1,Two is 2, Three is 3, etc.?...

 Click here


 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Whizzbang
Publicitate

 Click here

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  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
 Swine Flu tablets +++ File links:
 Click here

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From: anonymous
School Projects That Did Not Win (but probably should have) SHOCK AND
HORROR!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

OMG!! Which school do these kids go to??!??

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: anonymous
This is why i voted DA

 Click here
+++ Content:
For those who have been following the S.A. elections...
Now you see why I just HAD to vote DA??

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.
 From: anonymous  Wonderful photos of animals

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: anonymous
Award Winning Cartoons

 Click here

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 From: anonymous
 Play Dead Dog - too funny

 Click here

This is funny - and cute - enjoy!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: anonymous
 VERY, VERY INTERESTING

 Click here

Received this from my sister - it is very interesting!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The c*cky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that c*cky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The c*cky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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