Friday humour - May 01, 2009

From Burnout @ bluehaze.

All of this weeks rubbish was sent in by the following:
Allnutts, Anonymous, Burnout, Digi Maria, Duke of Barsinov, Kaos_reflex,
Nottingham Smithie, Seasoldier, Stumpy Steve, The Great Gussius.

Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers...

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a
day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front
of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar
He shook the jar lightly.

The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.

Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with a unanimous 'yes ..'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the
entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between
the sand.

The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your
health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else
was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and
your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room
for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never
have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with grandparents.

Take time to get medical checkups.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's
always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

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Nurses aren't suppose to laugh


"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional  nurse. In over twenty years
I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Gary said and proceeded to 
drop his  trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever
seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started  giggling then  almost fell to
the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her
composure.   "I'm so sorry," said the nurse.   "I don't know what came
over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen
again.  Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Gary replied.
Things went downhill from there.


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High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill
Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry
(Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

 When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.

 Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their
'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes . As she lifted one,
she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

 Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in
the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,
but I appreciate your help.'


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This wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up a
dead s*x-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on
the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she crosses her legs ... enough times till her husband
says, "Are you wearing crutchless knickers?"

"Yes," she answers, seductively.


"Thank Christ for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."


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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around,
looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus is watching
you."


He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as
a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."


Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source
of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a
parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.


"Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you
that he is watching you."


The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"


"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird
'Moses'?"


"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

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Are Londoners racist?

Once a year, 30,000 Londoners chase three Kenyans through the streets for
26 miles!

Is this racism at large??


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All of this ka-fuffle over nasal direct technology for premature
ejaculation.

Well premature ejaculation works for me.

I'm putting myself first in her life.

As usual, I'm still in trouble.

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A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a
tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the
bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker
walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he
whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes,
yes, I sure am".

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,
"Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".


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2009 offer for adventurous travellers.


I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan )
and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania ).

The cost is a bit high @ $800 per person double occupancy but I didn't find
that offensive. What I found encouraging and enlightened is that the cruise
is encouraging people to bring their 'High powered weapons' along on the
cruise.

If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat. They
claim to have a master blacksmith on board and will have reloading parties
every afternoon.

The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200 per
person double occupancy (4 days). All the boat does is sail up and down
the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates.

Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package:


$800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing)

M-16 full auto rental $25.00/day - ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armour
piercing ammo at $15.95

AK-47 rifle @ No charge - ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball ammo at
$14.95


Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper rifle rental $55.00/day - ammo at 25 rounds 50
cal armour piercing at $9.95

Crew members can double as spotters for 30.00 per hour (spotting scope
included).

Far Out ---- they even offer RPG's at 75 bucks and 200 dollars for 3
standard loads

"Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment and coffee
and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am ."

Meals are not included but seem reasonable.

Most cruises offer a mini-bar.

These gung ho entrepreneurs offer......... get this .....

"MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"

Sign my ar*e up!

They advertise group rates and corporate discounts...... and even claim
"FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY"

They even offer a partial money back guarantee if not satisfied.Â

Here's some text from the ad:

"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by
pirates or we will refund half your money back including gun rental
charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included)..

How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking?

We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia.  If an
attempted hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise
by at 4 knots.

We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the
entire length of Somalia.

At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals
and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is
limited so respond quickly.

Reserve your package before May 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo
in the calibre of your choice."

As if all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, there were a few
testimonials:

"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in
Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list!"----
Lars , Hamburg Germany

"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and
my 12yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun. PIRATES 0
-PASSENGERS-32!  Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks
English"

Ned, Salt Lake city , Utah USA

I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM . Don't worry
about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship
with those weapons they use and their *hitty aim--reminds me of a drunken
'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam"

"chopper' Dan ---- Toledo USA .

"Like ducks in a barrel. They turned the ship around and we saw them bleed
and cry in the water like little girls. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by
sharks--what a laugh riot!! This is a must do.---

Zeke-Minnahaw Springs Kentucky USA


Finally, someone had the common sense to cash in AND solve a major problem.


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The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama. The
stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who
demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special
Presidential commission presented the following findings - The stamp is in
perfect order - There is nothing wrong with the adhesive - People are
spitting on the wrong side.

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The  best Living Will I've Seen

I,_________________, being of sound mind and body, do not  wish to be kept
alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circ*mstances do I want
my fate to be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass
ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it; or, lawyers or doctors
interested in simply running up the bills.

 If a reasonable amount of time passes,  and I fail to ask for at least one
of the  following:

Glass of wine, Martini, Mexican Food. Ice Cream, Chocolate, Cold Beer,
Chocolate, Cup of Tea, Margarita, Chocolate, French Fries, Chocolate, Cream
Gravy, Fried Steak, Chocolate
Chocolate, Sex, Pizza, Sex, Sex

 it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

 When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed
person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let
the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day!

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Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'For reading a book,' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the
woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden..
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.


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This would be funny .. if it weren't so frightening!
In a Seattle Washington college classroom, they were discussing the
qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple
- the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the
requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that
this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming
president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's
jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, 'What makes
a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one
born by C-section?'
Yep, these are the 18 year olds that just voted for the
President of the United States!

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Velcro what a rip off
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In a recent legal contest between a prominent Australian Church, the rules
of the Department of Education and WorkSafe SA - who won? God only knows -
see below:


ADELAIDE, April 22 2009- The Catholic Church has been fined more than
$19,000 over a school camp incident which left a student with burns to his
hands, legs and face.

In the South Australian Industrial Relations Court on Wednesday, the
Catholic Diocese of Port Pirie was fined $19,125 as the operator of the
Caritas College in Port Augusta.

The diocese had pleaded guilty to one count of breaching occupational
health and safety rules over an incident on a school camp in 2004.

A year 10 student suffered burns when gas venting from a canister ignited.

The then 15-year-old boy had been helping another student assemble a camp
stove when he was engulfed in a ball of flame.

SafeWork SA prosecuted the school and a spokesman said investigators found
that students were not trained or supervised in safely assembling the camp
stoves.

Industrial magistrate Richard Hardy said that while the student had largely
recovered from his injuries, he had suffered considerable psychological
trauma.

SafeWork SA said while the school camp had been run successfully for 20
years, the incident showed that safety could never be taken for granted.

"The failure to account for the fire hazards posed by the gas canisters
could well have had far more serious consequences in this case," said a
WorkSafe spokesperson.


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This one's a repeat: Cause I like it. - ED.

An drug enforcement officer stopped at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B. C..
and spoke with the old ranch owner.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown
drugs."
The old rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the
Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer
proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means I am
allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land --- no questions asked or
answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the officer running for
his life not far ahead of the rancher's enraged bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is
clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and
yells at the top of his lungs ...... "Your badge! Show him your f*ckin'
badge!"


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Now it's on with the AV rubbish for the week, this all brought to you be
the devious defective minds of:-

Nottingham Smithie, Anonymous, Allnuts, Biggus, Burnout,
Croydon Caz, Digi Maria, Mitta, Moose, Muse, Nottingham Smithie,
Seasoldier, Stumpy Steve, Whizbang, anonymous,

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You are going to love this one, from "playing for change" - ED

 Click here


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The Best Knockout Ever

 Click here

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Mexican Swat publicity video- training.

 Click here


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From the eyes of a child!

 Click here Click here

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of
nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.


He  noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked..

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied,  'No dear.  Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that gay sh*t in our garden' she said.

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Prize winning ads

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Do dogs go to heaven?

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Cute cartoons for the more mature who can take it!

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 Click here

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How bad is the economy?

 Click here

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The New Game

 Click here


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Romantizm

 Click here


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Air hostess's Sleeping Quarters

Boeing 747-400
 Click here

KLM Airline
 Click here

Airbus A340
 Click here

Boeing 777
 Click here

Singapore Airline (SQ)
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SQ-with inflight TV and telecommunications
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Canadian Airline
 Click here

  and......... ..
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  Air Asia .....!?
 Click here

Ssssssshhh. ~~ Don't laugh too loud...

              you might wake her up.. ~!!!
 Click here

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The Video That Won First Place At Cannes

 Click here

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Chav (bogan) wedding of the century - class will out .......!!!

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Chav wedding of the century


wedding for the 16-year-old girl who lives in a caravan
What Daddy's little girl wants Daddy's little girl gets.
So when Missy Quinn insisted on a big white wedding with her boyfriend, her
father said YES.

It didn't matter that she was only 16 and the groom 17.
Daddy also said yes to a £16,000 wedding dress (which looked suspiciously
like a crop top and skirt) and Yes to 150 guests at the reception. Then
there were the cars, the hotels, the tiara and the £500 bouquet.


Check out the belly-ring... it matches her earrings! So sophisticated.


In the end, making Missy's wedding dreams come true cost her father - who
lives in a caravan and surfaces driveways for a living - a whopping
£100,000.
But as his princess, who hasn't been in a classroom since she was nine and
wants to be a glamour model (good luck), posed for photographs, her father
Simon, 35, declared it was worth every penny. 'I'm very proud of her
today,' he said.


Missy was just happy to be the undisputed centre of attention.
Her dress, studded with Swarovski crystals, and with a 10ft wide train, was
so heavy that it took ten guests to help her struggle out of the
Rolls-Royce
Phantom that brought her to the church.


Missy with groom Thomas Moghon, 17, her mother Theresa (who forgot to wear
a top) and father Simon


'It was huge. I wanted to outdo everyone else's wedding dress,' she said.
'It was extremely heavy and just standing in the church was really
difficult. But despite all that, I felt just like Cinderella.'
The bill was around five times the cost of the average British wedding.
Missy said: 'It cost a fortune, but I've always wanted a big wedding and my
dad has been saving for ages to pay for it.'

Missy met Thomas at AltonTowerstheme park when she was 13.


x
They continued to date despite her traveller family leaving their caravan
park in Stoke-on-Trent every summer to tour the UKwhile Thomas lived with
his parents in Wolverhampton .
Missy said: 'I just knew he was The One from the beginning. He's perfect.'
Her mother Theresa, 33, who married Missy's father at 16, said: 'I was
surprised they wanted to get married so young in this day and age. But we
could see they were madly in love.'
The couple married six days after Missy turned 16 at St Mary's Catholic
Church in Congleton-Cheshire. The bride carried a chrystal bouquet, no
fresh flowers for her. After the ceremony-guests in feathers and crystals
enjoyed champagne and an all-day buffet at the reception. Girls as young
as nine showed off bikini tops, high heels and make-up. It was a classy
affair.
Guest Victoria Docherty, 23, who wore a £700 hotpants and bra outfit,
said:
'This isn't unusual - it's just what we do at weddings. It's all very
extravagant. Everything is paid for by the bride's daddy.'
Missy and Thomas honeymooned in Turkey before moving into their own
£18,000 caravan - a wedding gift from her parents.

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This shop in Mexico was tired of thugs breaking into his shop so he came up
with this idea.

 Click here

 Click here


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Roads to try before you die!!

 Click here


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And The Yanks Still Don't Understand Why Elvis Died ??

(Supposed to have been meals eaten by Elvis - ED)

The Jabaconageburger With Cheese
A cheeseburger patty topped with bacon and sausage between two jamaican
beef patties
 Click here

Corn Dog Pizza
 Click here

The Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt
Three bacon-stuffed grilled cheese sandwichs for buns, cheese, bacon and
two four-ounce beefs patties.
 Click here

French Fry-Encased Hot Dog On A Stick
 Click here

Turbaconucken
A chicken inside a duck inside a turkey, all wrapped in bacon
 Click here

The Hamdog
A hot dog wrapped in a beef patty that's deep fried, covered with chili,
 Click here

cheese, onions, served on a hoagie bun topped with two fistfuls of fries
and a fried egg.
 Click here

Tombstone Deep Dish Pizza Vending Machine
 Click here

Bacon Shell Tacos
 Click here

The Meat Ship
 Made from bacon, sausages, pastry, franks and pork mince.
 Click here

Chicago Deep Dish Pizza
 Click here

Gregory's 120 Ounce Steak
 Click here

In-N-Out 100x100 Burger
 Click here

Bacon Donut
 Click here

Tongue And Pastrami Sandwich
 Click here

Waffle Couch
 Waffle fries with gravy and mozzarella
 Click here

The Bacon Explosion
 Two pounds of bacon woven through and around two pounds of sausage and
slathered in barbecue sauce
 Click here

Bob Evans Sausage Gravy Machine


 Baconnaise

 Click here

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You think you've seen it all in New York?

 Click here


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A burlesque show destined for Afghanistan

 Click here


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Kids are always full of surprises.............

 Click here

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders,
using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red.................. Cherry
Yellow................. Lemon
Green.................. Lime
Orange.............. Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none
of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled,

'Oh my God!! They're ar*e-holes!'


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Worst Logo Ever 1973 design for the Catholic Church's Archdiocesan
Youth Commission.

 Click here


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Motorcycle Queens.....   (XXX)

Ohhh Baby…
 Click here


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Charter boat - what charter boat?

 Click here


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Equal respect

You won't see this photo on CNN.  Everyone is too busy showing the Queen
being touched.  This was a moment of "touching" that won't be forgotten by
this bobby.


       "This is the most powerful photo in the series. Remember they are
not supposed to shake hands, but they couldn't resist the historic moment.
The black royal cop never imagined in his wildest dream that he would usher
a black American president into the British corridors of power. Nice."

 Click here

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THE 38 CALIBER CIRCUMCISION

 Click here


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Motivational
+++ File links:
 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

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Oh What a Feeling!  Retribution ...

 Click here


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Disappearing car door - I want one! This is really cool.

 Click here


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Gonna Be A Bear

 Click here


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Water-disaster

 Click here


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Global facts

 Click here


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Sporting tips........................   (XXX)

 Click here


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Life could be worse...

 Click here


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The Redneck Games

July, 2009

East Dublin, Georgia, USA

Born out of anger at media suggestions that the 1996 Olympics in Atlanta
would be hosted by a 'bunch of rednecks', the Redneck Games features
events such as 'toilet seat throwing', 'bobbing for pig's trotters', the
'mud pit belly flop' and the mysterious 'armpit serenade'.

 Click here


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Quote of the Week:

The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical
invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts
them.

Mark Twain.



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[ End friday humour ]

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