Friday humour - April 10, 2009

Greetings from Nottingham Smithie, and a Happy Easter to all who celebrate
Easter, if you don't, thanks, it leaves more Easter eggs for me.
Contributions were slightly thin on the ground this week, and unusually
there were more duplicates than usual, but this happens from time to time,
anyway on with the humour without delay.

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From: Croydon Caz.................. HOW TO MAKE LOVE

Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs 4 Loving arms 2 Firm milk containers 2 Nuts 1 Fur-lined
mixing bowl 1 Firm banana

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4 Gently add firm banana to fur-lined mixing bowl, working in and out until
well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts,
leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight though).
6. Love is complete when banana is soft.
If banana does not soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and
after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

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From: Diks.......................I'll Bet You Know This GUY...LMAO!!

I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely
going to s**t yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the
point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that
if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's
Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony
referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to
refinish the den.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I
was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit
me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit
us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In
a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in
a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an red
aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you
ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I
mean,
and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was
to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying
to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then
made me laugh.. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone
was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way,
praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the
middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging
sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that bad when you
ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me
and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It
appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is
going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take
care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his
nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then
ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously
escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at
Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the
whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..

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 From: Kaos_reflex.....................Japanese bank crisis!

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the
run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 hours the Origami Bank has folded, the Sumo Bank has gone
belly up and the Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that the Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will
likely go for a song, while today shares in the Kamikaze Bank were
suspended after they nose-dived.

The Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks but the Ninja
Bank is reported to have taken a hit - they however remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at the Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report
that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is
feared that staff may get a raw deal.

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 From: Nottingham Smithie...........foot exercise

I WISH I COULD BE A FLY ON THE WALL AND WATCH YOU DO THIS!
HAVE FUN!! HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

This is hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess
there are some things that the brain cannot handle.

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe
this!!!
It is from an orthopaedic surgeon............ This will boggle your mind
and you will keep  trying over and over again to see if you can out smart
your foot, but, you can't.  It's pre-programmed in your brain!

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and
while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot
off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right
hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both
know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it
again, if you've not already done so.

Send it to your friends to frustrate them too.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
One of the best stories I've seen in years, it's a little long, however
I've already watched parts of it twice
This is beautiful!
THIS IS TRULY WORTH WHILE WATCHING, EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT A GOLFER.
 Click here

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 From: Anonymous.................... Zeke has March Madness

 Click here

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 From: Anonymous.................... these things happen...

 Click here

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 From: Billm

EASTER GREETINGS................as a member of the non Christian lot, I
wouldnt normally send any form of "Easter greetings" ...........I dont
have one for "Passover" !! [Xish]

 Click here

Thought I would send your first Easter greeting.

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From: Burnout.................. I feel safer now...........

 Click here

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 From: Burnout
 Going to School.......
 Click here

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 From: Burnout
 Nandos Amore

 Click here

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 From: Croydon Caz
 ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE PICTURES

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Diks
 Newark, Ohio drunk on motorized bar stool.........

 Click here

NEWARK, Ohio  Authorities in Ohio say a man has been charged with drunken
driving after crashing his motorized bar stool. Police in Newark, 30 miles
east of Columbus, say when they responded to a report of a crash with
injuries on March 4, they found a man who had wrecked a bar stool powered
by a deconstructed lawn mower.

Twenty-eight-year Kile Wygle was hospitalized for minor injuries. Police
say he was charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated after he
told an officer at the hospital that he had consumed 15 beers. Wygle told
police his motorized bar stool can go up to 38 mph.

Wygle has pleaded not guilty and has requested a jury trial.

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 From: Kaos_reflex
 How to get excitement back into a weekend:

 Click here

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From: Mitta...............neighbourhood watch

 Click here

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From: Moose
A picture ....................words!

 Click here

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 From: Muse
 Kingsford the Piglet.....
 Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie
 Why Dads buy a Wii
 Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie
  Feeding the Eagles!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Feeding the Eagles!
 Comox, B.C., Vancouver Island , Jan. 2009

In January the weather was so cold that the bald eagles were cruising over
our houses looking for helpless cats to make a quick meal.  Some kind
souls decided to feed the eagles down at Goose Spit so they would survive
the cold spell.  Here's what happened!
A beautiful morning feeding the eagles. Jan.2009

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From: Nottingham Smithie
  Radio Controlled Model planes ain't what they used to be

 Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie
  Singing group

 Click here

 One of the most entertaining clips I have seen in ages.

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 From: Nottingham Smithie
  Street Artist...new stuff]

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Edgar Mueller Super Artist
Great Crevasse Edgar Mueller.  Hard work: Together with up to five
assistants,
Mueller painted all day long from sunrise to sunset.  The picture appeared
on the
East Pier in Dun Laoghaire, Ireland, as part of the town's Festival of
World
Cultures

He spent five days, working 12 hours a day, to create the 250 square metre
image of the crevasse,
which, viewed from the correct angle, appears to be 3D. He then persuaded
passers-by to complete the illusion by pretending the gaping hole was
real.
'I wanted to play with positives and negatives to encourage people to think
twice about everything they see,' he said.  'It was a very scary scene, but
when people saw it they had great fun playing on  it and pretending to fall
into the earth.  'I like to think that later,
when they returned home, they might reflect more on what a frightening
scenario it was and say, "Wow, that was actually pretty scary".'

Mueller, who has previously painted a giant waterfall in Canada, said he
was inspired by the British 'Pavement Picasso' Julian Beever, whose
dramatic but more gentle 3D street images have featured in the Daily Mail.

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From: Nottingham Smithie [Xish}
 Click here

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 From: Seasoldier
This cannot end well..... so how's your day going...?
 Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve
Today's Inspirational Message

 Click here

Never p*ss off a  guy that owns a JCB

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 From: The Great Gussius
 where the bl**y hell are you....

 Click here

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 From: The Great Gussius
 Why Hitler lost the War

 Click here

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From: The Great Gussius
 Real job candidates want work

 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
 Street Tubing

 Click here

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From: Whizzbang
 11 Most Expensive Catastrophes in History -- Must read to the end!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


                              11 Most Expensive Catastrophes in History

                              # 11. Titanic - $150 Million


                        The sinking of the Titanic is possibly the most
famous accident in the world. But it barely makes our list of top 10 most
expensive. On April 15, 1912, the Titanic sank on its maiden voyage and
was considered to be the most luxurious ocean liner ever built. Over 1,500
people lost their lives when the ship ran into an iceberg and sunk in
frigid waters. The ship cost $7 million to build ($150 million in today '
s dollars).

                        # 10. Tanker Truck vs Bridge - $358 Million

                        On August 26, 2004, a car collided with a tanker
truck containing 32,000 liters of fuel on the Wiehltal Bridge in Germany .
The tanker crashed through the guardrail and fell 90 feet off the A4
Autobahn resulting in a huge explosion and fire which destroyed the
load-bearing ability of the bridge. Temporary repairs cost $40 million and
the cost to replace the bridge is estimated at $318 Million.


                        # 9. MetroLink Crash - $500 Million

                        On September 12, 2008, in what was one of the worst
train crashes in California history, 25 people were killed when a Metrolink
commuter train crashed head-on into a Union Pacific freight train in Los
Angeles . It is thought that the Metrolink train may have run through a red
signal while the conductor was busy text messaging.. Wrongful death
lawsuits are expected to cause $500 million in losses for Metrolink.


                        # 8. B-2 Bomber Crash - $1.4 Billion

                        Here we have our first billion dollar accident (and
we ' re only #7 on the list). This B-2 stealth bomber crashed shortly after
taking off from an air base in Guam on February 23, 2008. Investigators
blamed distorted data in the flight control computers caused by moisture
in the system. This resulted in the aircraft making a sudden nose-up move
which made the B-2 stall and crash. This was 1 of only 21 ever built and
was the most expensive aviation accident in history. Both pilots were able
to eject to safety.


                        # 7. Exxon Valdez - $2.5 Billion

                        The Exxon Valdez oil spill was not a large one in
relation to the world ' s biggest oil spills, but it was a costly one due
to the remote location of Prince William Sound (accessible only by
helicopter and boat). On March 24, 1989, 10..8 million gallons of oil was
spilled when the ship ' s master, Joseph Hazelwood, left the controls and
the ship crashed into a Reef. The cleanup cost Exxon $2.5 billion.


                        # 6. Piper Alpha Oil Rig - $3.4 Billion

                        The world ' s worst off-shore oil disaster. At one
time, it was the world ' s single largest oil producer, spewing out
317,000 barrels of oil per day. On July 6, 1988, as part of routine
maintenance,
technicians removed and checked safety valves which were essential in
preventing dangerous build-up of liquid gas. There were 100 identical
safety valves which were checked. Unfortunately, the technicians made a
mistake and forgot to replace one of them. At 10 PM that same night, a
technician pressed a start button for the liquid gas pumps and the world '
s most expensive oil rig accident was set in motion.

                        Within 2 hours, the 300 foot platform was engulfed
in flames. It eventually collapsed, killing 167 workers and resulting in
$3.4 Billion in damages.


                        # 5. Challenger Explosion - $5.5 Billion

                        The Space Shuttle Challenger was destroyed 73
seconds after takeoff due on January 28, 1986 due to a faulty O-ring. It
failed to seal one of the joints, allowing pressurized gas to reach the
outside. This in turn caused the external tank to dump its payload of
liquid hydrogen causing a massive explosion. The cost of replacing the
Space
Shuttle was $2 billion in 1986 ($4.5 billion in today ' s dollars). The
cost of investigation, problem correction, and replacement of lost
equipment cost $450 million from 1986-1987 ($1 Billion in today ' s
dollars).


                        # 4. Prestige Oil Spill - $12 Billion

                        On November 13, 2002, the Prestige oil tanker was
carrying 77,000 tons of heavy fuel oil when one of its twelve tanks burst
during a storm off Galicia , Spain . Fearing that the ship would sink, the
captain called for help from Spanish rescue workers, expecting them to take
the ship into harbour. However, pressure from local authorities forced the
captain to steer the ship away from the coast. The captain tried to get
help from the French and Portuguese authorities, but they too ordered the
ship away from their shores. The storm eventually took its toll on the
ship resulting in the tanker splitting in half and releasing 20 million
gallons oil into the sea..

                        According to a report by the Pontevedra Economist
Board, the total cleanup cost $12 billion.


                        # 3. Space Shuttle Columbia - $13 Billion

                        The Space Shuttle Columbia was the first space
worthy shuttle in NASA ' s orbital fleet. It was destroyed during re-entry
over Texas on February 1, 2003 after a hole was punctured in one of the
wings during launch 16 days earlier. The original cost of the shuttle was
$2
Billion in 1978. That comes out to $6.3 Billion in today ' s dollars. $500
million was spent on the investigation, making it the costliest aircraft
accident investigation in history. The search and recovery of debris cost
$300 million.

                        In the end, the total cost of the accident (not
including replacement of the shuttle) came out to $13 Billion according to
the American Institute of Aeronautics and Astronautics..


                        # 2. Chernobyl - $200 Billion

                        On April 26, 1986, the world witnessed the
costliest accident in history. The Chernobyl disaster has been called the
biggest socio-economic catastrophe in peacetime history. 50% of the area
of Ukraine is in some way contaminated. Over 200,000 people had to be
evacuated and resettled while 1.7 million people were directly affected by
the disaster.
The death toll attributed to Chernobyl , including people who died from
cancer years later, is estimated at 125,000. The total costs including
cleanup, resettlement, and compensation to victims has been estimated to
be roughly $200 Billion. The cost of a new steel shelter for the Chernobyl
nuclear plant will cost $2 billion alone.. The accident was officially
attributed to power plant operators who violated plant procedures and were
ignorant of the safety requirements needed.


                          # 1. 2008 Presidential Election- $800 Billion in
just the first two weeks.....

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 From: Whizzbang
Why Raincoats are yellow

 Click here Click here Click here

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From: Whizzbang
 Bogged @ Goonyella?

 Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
 Insurance / Engineering Questions of the Day

 Click here Click here

 Insurance / Engineering Questions of the Day

Q.)  How much does a house weigh and how much can a rural two-lane bridge
Hold???
SO!  WOULD THIS BE COVERED BY HOUSE INSURANCE, CAR INSURANCE, OR, DOES IT
COME UNDER ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE ???

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 From: anonymous
 ingenius!!

 Click here

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 From: anonymous
 Today's Idiots

 Click here Click here Click here

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 From: anonymous
funny stuff

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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 From: anonymous
Nike - just do it??

 Click here

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 From: anonymous
 Double jointed man  WOW!!!

 Click here

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 From: anonymous
 News paper report
 Click here

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 From: anonymous
 There will always be one......

 Click here

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 From: anonymous
 Ten out of ten!

 Click here

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 Click here

Now, what does this remind me of ?????

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 From: anonymous...........................Stress Management Technique

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management
technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny
thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over
a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running
water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of
the person you are holding underwater.

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[ End friday humour ]

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