Friday humour - April 03, 2009

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Those of you who keep track (anyone?) will be expecting an edit from
Burnout this week. He needed a swap, and I'm it.

So here in Victoria the lid is finally off the Hospitals manipulating
records. The only people feigning surprise are the Minister responsible,
and his minions. EVERYBODY KNOWS the hospitals have been fudging
throughput and waiting list figures for many many years. EVERYBODY KNOWS
this has been done with the tacit knowledge of, if not at the behest of,
successive Governments. Please try to keep a façade of integrity Minister.
You are just the unfortunate one who got caught with the passed parcel.
Don’t decapitate the underlings for political expediency. More chickens
will surely come home to roost in your coup if you do.

This weeks offerings are courtesy of Arfermo, Billm, Burnout, Croydon Caz,
Digi Maria, Diks, Kaos_reflex, Moose, Muse, Nottingham
Smithie, Stumpy Steve, Whizzbang and Zalaga.

My favourite this week is amazing Hazel from Mississauga.
 Click here

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A woman goes into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre...
So he gave her one.

I met a really nice girl the other night, we really hit it off. It seems
the chemistry was just right...one part rohypnol, one part chloroform.

Sort of like that never fail pickup line...
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

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Beer.

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'.
Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the
prettier my mum gets.'
-- Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television
when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
-- Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and
takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
-- Grady, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the
more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
-- Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes,
so he shouldn't have too much.
-- Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he
danced right into the pool.'
-- Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the
sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
-- Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
-- Shirley, 7 years old

And the best response ...

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father.
Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his
bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
-- Jack, 7 years old

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Britains most unfortunate Names

You've got to ask yourself what kind of parents name their child Doug Hole.
They either have a very wicked sense of humour or they didn't really think
it through properly.

Either way, they're not alone; a study has revealed the most unfortunate
names in the UK and joining Doug Hole on the list are
Justin Case, Hazel Nutt and Stan Still.

The list of names was uncovered by researchers from parenting group
TheBabyWebsite.com after trawling through telephone records.

Retired RAF airman Stan Still, 76, from Gloucestershire, has said his name
has been a "blooming millstone around my neck my entire life. "When I was
in the RAF my commanding officer used to shout Stan Still, get a move on'
and roll about laughing," he said. "It got hugely boring after a while."

Mr Hole of Penrith, Cumbria, did not want to comment on his name. "I don't
want to be involved just because I have an unusual name," he said.

However Rose Bush from Coventry said: "I love my name. I always get
comments about it but they are always very positive."

A spokesperson for TheBabyWebsite said: "Parents need to think carefully
when choosing names for their children.
"Their name will be with them for life and what may be quirky and fun for a
toddler might be regretted terribly when that person becomes older or even
a grandparent perhaps."

Here's the full list of unfortunate names from the UK: Stan Still, Helen
Back, Doug Hole, Terry Bull, Tim Burr, Rose Bush, Pearl
Button, Will Power, Barry Cade, Mary Christmas, Chris Cross, Teresa Green,
Ray Gunn, Jo King, Sonny Day, Justin Case, Lee King and
Max Power.

A similar search in the US found these: Bill Board, Anna Prentice, Annette
Curtain and my personal favourite Carrie Oakey.

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Twelve Mexican priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in
a garden while a s*xy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before
them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be
ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no  reaction

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off,
clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up ... and all the other bells started to ring.

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There is no justice in the world!

This full of himself health freak took really good care of his body.

He lifted weights and jogged every day.

One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that
he was suntanned all over with the exception of his manhood.
 
So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand,
except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand. He then fell
soundly asleep.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one
using a cane to help her get along.

Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane
began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, 'There really is no
justice in the world.

'The other little old lady asked, 'What do you mean by that?

'The first little old lady replied, 'Look at that. When I was 20, I was
curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for
it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I
was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80,
the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat.

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If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year
only 2 banks will be left operational...
 
The Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!
 
And before you know it, these 2 will merge, and the whole place will be
full of bloody w*nkers.

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Lotto Win

A man asked his wife "What would you do if we won lotto?"

The wife replied "I would take half and divorce you"

"That's good" he replied.

"We won Div 4, here is $10.48 now F*ck off"

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Good job

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for cars and coaches. There also
used to be a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars
£1 and coaches £5.

This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years, then one day just
didn't turn up for work...

"Ho hum", said Bristol Zoo Management - "better phone up the City Council
and get them to send a new parking attendant" ......

"Err no", said the Council, "that car park is your responsibility" ...

"Err no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the
City Council, wasn't he?" .....

"Err NO!"

Sitting in his villa in Spain is a bloke who had been taking the car park
fees for Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years...

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While browsing the US news I found this item, How unlucky can you get.

A 93 years old Japanese guy.

Yamaguchi was in Hiroshima on a business trip on Aug. 6, 1945, when a U.S.
B-29 dropped an atomic bomb on the city. He suffered serious burns to his
upper body and spent the night in the city. He then returned to his
hometown of Nagasaki just in time for the second attack, city officials
said.

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There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being
so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.
After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the
car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest
Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted
"240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me
roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car
to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily
down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming
by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

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The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact:   79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact:   58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact:   37,000,000 are relaxing after having s*x .
Fact:   1 lonely bugger is reading emails ...

You hang in there sunshine.

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Holy Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step
into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering
to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having
no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a
statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly
reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

'Oh look' says the first nun, 'it's a soap dispenser'.

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.

Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go.

She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.

So she gives several more tugs, then yells... 'Holy Mary, Mother of God,
HAND LOTION TOO!'

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Important Michael Jackson Tour Information

Michael Jackson has just announced his dates for his New UK tour.

They are Joe aged 4, David aged 5, Chris aged 6 and Andrew aged 7.

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Man Flu Facts

1. Man-flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable
scientific fact*. *(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs
from a single man-flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people  living
in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract man-flu. At worst they suffer from what is
medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' which, if a man caught, he
would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and
compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have man-flu. They emit involuntary groans
of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are
in.

5. Full recovery from man-flu will take place much quicker if their simple
requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that
really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it.

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of
other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from man-flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and
come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful
condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are
the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full
blown man-flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally
fell off.

9. Man-flu germs are more powerful than He-man, The Thundercats and The
A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting
'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a
victim of man-flu.

10. While it may seem like a man-flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying
'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact
pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing
powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by man-flu. Women, all
we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and
your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this
monstrous disease together.

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Great news in these financially troubled times!

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night
out.

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The worlds biggest model train set
 Click here

Win a Pub in Wales!
 Click here

I didn't look for this ... it was sent to me ... Really ... Truly ...
 Click here

Watch this Japanese illusionist/street magician at work. He's a young guy
who disguises himself as an elderly man. Last sneeze is special.
 Click here

Whatta Flight Attendant!
 Click here

Momma Home
 Click here

A phallus on your roof ...
 Click here

Japan will celebrate almost anything!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
How could we have missed it? 15 March was Penis Day in Japan.
Belated Happy Penis Day ...

Life Simplified
 Click here

Dickhead or not?
 Click here

If you are an owner of a dog that belongs to a 'dangerous breed' category
and you also have a small child please take this as a warning. Don't leave
your dog with the child unattended under any circ*mstances. Only a moment
was enough for the following to happen.
 Click here

New From Glade.
 Click here

Wine Opener.
 Click here

What a livestock hauler. Git 'er done! 
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Some great photos
 Click here

8 Phases of Dating
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Do you believe in ghosts? Watch to the end.
 Click here

Boofheads
 Click here

Wow... on the edge.
 Click here

Oops, oops and oops ...
 Click here Click here Click here

Sand video.
 Click here

A dog is merely a fur lined bladder.
 Click here

Heavy equipment operator's final exam.
 Click here

After over 60 years of intensive study, researchers at the Centre for
Strategic Military Studies have finally determined why Germany lost World
War II:
 Click here

Train Track? What train track?
 Click here

Who needs a dirt bike
 Click here

Ouch!
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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