Friday humour - March 27, 2009

[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


Hmmm ...   I'm hard up for a logical editorial this issue.  So let's go all
arty farty ...    (or jump below!)

A couple of days ago a friend and I went to see the 1:30 pm matinee session
of "Billy Elliot" at the recently refurbished Her Majesty's Theatre in
Melbourne.  It certainly beats working!  This was the grand theatre that
introduced me to some great musical comedies as a kid, including My Fair
Lady, The Pajama Game, and Bye Bye Birdie.  The last time I went there was
probably 20 years ago and the theatre was uncomfortable and in a sorry
state of disrepair.  Fortunately the old entertainment warhorse Mike Walsh
(and associates) bought it and have restored it to its original grandeur. 
In my view Her Maj will never rival the Princess Theatre, the Regent
Theatre, or the State Theatre but it's fantastic to have it back ... with
comfortable seating and wonderful stage effects.  Later this year they
plan to do a 50th
Anniversary season of MFL.  "Wouldn't it be luv-er-ly".

"Billy Elliot" is a good enjoyable show.  Easy to follow and with enough
comedy to hold it together.  Some of our audience gave it a standing
ovation.  Unlike some great musicals you don't leave the theatre humming
the tunes.

The lyrics were written by Elton John.  I particularly liked the scene
where 12 year old Billy was asked (at his interview to attend the Royal
School) why he wanted to be a dancer.

Here are the lyrics to Billy's response ... Electricity.   I hope that all
FH readers at various times in their lives actually feel these words ...
and follow their dream.

Elton John is no Oscar Hammerstein II ... but here he comes close.

I can't really explain it, I haven't got the words
It's a feeling that you can't control
I suppose it's like forgetting, losing who you are
And at the same time something makes you whole

It's like that there's a music, playing in your ear
And I'm listening, and I'm listening, and then I disappear

And then I feel a change, like a fire deep inside
Something bursting me wide open, impossible to hide
And suddenly I'm flying, flying like a bird
Like Electricity, electricity
Sparks inside of me, and I'm free, I'm free

It's a bit like being angry; it's a bit like being scared
Confused and all mixed up and mad as hell
It's like when you've been crying
And you're empty and you're full
I don't know what it is, it's hard to tell

It's like that there's some music, playing in your ear
But the music is impossible, impossible to hear

But then I feel it move me
Like a burning deep inside
Something bursting me wide open
Impossible to hide
And suddenly I'm flying
Flying like a bird
Like Electricity, electricity
Sparks inside of me
And I'm free, I'm free

Electricity sparks inside of me
And I'm free, I'm free
Oh, I'm free


First up a couple of quickies from 4M


I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call centre in Pakistan.  I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck or fly a plane.


                                     Harry Potter

I finally saw that Harry Potter film.

I couldn't understand what all the fuss was about, it seemed a little
unreal to me. I mean, come on, a ginger headed kid with TWO friends?


The Allnutts Selection

                               Murder at Woolworths

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to
have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened
his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie
sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as
down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths
store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew
her last breath and slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder
scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he
could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless
husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...

(You're going to hate me for this ... )



                                    Mexican Maid

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this
and asked:

'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The
first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'



These came from Burnout

                                        First Time

Two 90 year olds have been dating for a long time and finally decide that
the time is right to try and have s*x...

As they lay there afterwards basking in the afterglow of the intense
lovemaking, the man thinks to himself 'My god, if I'd known she was a
I would have been much more gentle'.

The woman also lay there thinking 'My god, if I thought the old boy could
actually get it up, I'd have took my tights off'.


                                       The spoon
(A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.)

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils,
I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips
back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his
'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an
extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging
from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse
but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out
without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening
the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use a spoon.'


                          Two Blondes With Hammers...

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Ronald McDonald House.
Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch,
pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing
those nails away?'

Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!'


Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'


A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her
index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor
asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off
your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I
thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting
myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to
get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud
noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.


A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to
a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all
the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder,
and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?'

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into
the tail pipe in order to get all the d dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up
the windows first.'


A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She
was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to
ask what it was..

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and
cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing..... I'm going to buy it!' So she
bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,'
she replied...

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied... .... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'


                  The Stimulus Package   ... good work !!  

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics
professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you
explain it to me?"

The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office,
but if you come over to my house on Sat*rday and help me with my weekend
project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.

At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house.
The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student
a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First,
go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you

The student did as he was instructed. The professor then continued, "Follow
me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket
into it."

The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told. The professor
then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began
walking back to the deep end of the pool.

The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"

The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the
shallow end much deeper. The student didn't think the economics professor
was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the
student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad.

The student finally stated, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and
effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all
everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really
have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly
productive action!"

The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile,
"Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."


                                        Golf Logic

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee, while another foursome of
women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She
goes over and whiffs it completely. Then, she hacks it another ten feet,
and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess
all those f---ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help.

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it... you should
have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck.



A blind man goes for a job in a timber yard saying that he could identify
wood by its smell.

They tested him on various types of wood and he guessed every one correct,
the timber yard foreman thinks the blind man was a bit of a smug bugger so
decides to test him out. He got the secretary out of the office to lay

The blind man sniffed and asked for the 'wood' to be turned over and had
another smell "You can't fool me, that's a s'house door of a fishing



A Garbo knocks on a Japanese mans door one morning.

The Jap says "Harro, what you wann?"

Dustman says "Where's ya bin?", "I bin on loo" says the Jap.

"No mate, where's ya dustbin?", "I dust bin on the loo" says the Jap.

"No no mate, stop f*cking me about, where's ya wheelie bin?"

Jap says "Hokay, I wheelie bin having a week!"


                                   Father's details

The following are all replies that Manchester (UK) women have written on
Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;"
or putting it another way.... Who's your Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to checkout #10. It
takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered
by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can pro vide
you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had s*x with a man
I met that night. I do remember that the s#x was so good that I fainted.
If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his
phone number?

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it

5. I have never had s#x with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a
letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejac#late and
that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country
Please advise.

7. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him,
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned
at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney
World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Gordo Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If
I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56
Miller St , mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all,
like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you


                                        Hospital Call

Lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was
admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her
condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

''Do you know which ward she is in?

''Yes, ward P, room 2B

''I'll just put you through to the nurse station.

''Hello, ward P, how can I help?

''I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was
wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

''I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's
conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature
has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well
enough to go home tomorrow.

''Oh that's wonderful news. I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!

''You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?

''No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you sod all in here...'


Here's some from Moose

                                      Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you
a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For
I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as
a public service.


                                      TAKE IT OFF

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5 Kg Weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
Voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a
representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can
catch me you can have me...' Without a second thought, he takes off after
her... A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The
same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On
the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 Kg
as promised... He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 Kg program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
beautiful, s*xy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing
but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you
catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent

shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days,
the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 10 Kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and
calls the company to order the 7-day, 20 Kg program. 'Are you sure?' asks
the representative on the phone. 'This is our most Rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in Years.' The next day
there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular
guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign
around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 35 Kg that week!!



I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where: The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where: The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The
Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memorium

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost
went unnoticed last week.   Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The
Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.   The most traumatic part for his
family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.
And then the trouble started.

Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln,
how was the play?

When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".

money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280
Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana


UK Smithie's stuff

                           Out of the Mouths of Babes

A group of children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Nursery.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher who insisted on NO baby
talk! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 'I went to visit my

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.   'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said.

'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People'

She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied.

'That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
and said,

... 'Winnie the SHIT'.


                                   American History

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said
"Give me Liberty , or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except
for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall
not perish from the Earth?' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than
you lot.

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*** the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.'General
Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.' The teacher
glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again,
Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar
jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill
Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little *** If you say
anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top
of his voice,'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
*** we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the Republican Party,
November 4, 2008."


To the pics etc files now ... and they're from Smithie of Nottingham, Rick
in Bali, Moose, The Great Gussius, Stumpy Steve, Burnout, London Muse,
Kaos-reflex, Trina, Diks, Allnutts, ... and you know who you are.

The Flea wants a holiday
 Click here

For A/C Buffs
 Click here

Origins on an oft-told joke
 Click here

Well hello there.....
 Click here

When I look in a Mirror.............
 Click here

Wife Tattoo
Tony's wife thought it was very romantic when he vowed to have a picture of
her tattooed on his arm.
'There's just no pleasing some women!'  he moaned after she threw him out
of the house.
 Click here

Don't be a decoy
 Click here

Toys R Us - Indian Style
 Click here

The Male Life Cycle...
 Click here

Maths problems
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Looks like Monica Lewinsky is back.
 Click here

There's been a change in the Whitehouse.....
 Click here Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Grandpas' Present
 Click here

How to keep a Jehovah's Witness from knocking?
 Click here

Territory Day Care
 Click here

Does this work?
 Click here

How to explain "to small" in a foreign language...
 Click here

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him,
looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen up good looking,  I screw
anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,
back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes
on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me.  I've been doing it ever
since I got out of college and I just love it.' 
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?'
 Click here

Anal Sex  LMAO!  Adult Humor
 Click here

Investment Banking Explained ...
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. 
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.   
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry Chuck, but I have some
bad news, the donkey died.'"
Chuck  replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."  
The farmer said," 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already."  
Chuck  said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."  
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?"   
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off.."  
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"  
Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." 
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with
that dead donkey?" 
Chuck said, "I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece
and made a profit of $898.00."   
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"  
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won.  So I gave him his two dollars back." 
Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley.
(Personally I think this should have said AIG)
 Click here

The truth about bananas.
 Click here

Have some Faith
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Fruit flasher giggles
 Click here

Costume Idea ???
 Click here

You're doing it wrong
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Largest Drug Bust in U.S. History!!
2 Tonnes of Crack
 Click here

Why you should NOT swallow your chewing gum
 Click here

If it's ok with your mother...
 Click here

Think you can skate?
 Click here

Survived By His Wife
 Click here

Dog Runs in sleep..
 Click here

Neighbourly Dispute (as seen on The Footy Show's 'Sam's Mailbag')
Dispute Between Neighbours - this is a true story...
A town councillor in Wales, Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the
mountains, until a new neighbour purchased the land below his house and
built a new home.
The new home was 18 inches higher than the planning dept had approved,
so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the local authority to
make sure they enforced the roof line height.
The new neighbour had to drop the roof height, at great expense.
Recently, Mark Easton called the planning dept, and informed them that his
new neighbour had installed some vents on the side of his new property.
Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the planning dept to
When they went to Mark's home to see what the vents looked like, this is
what they found...
The Local Authority said the vents can stay since there is no planning law
referring to shutter design.
 Click here Click here

Illegal Drag Racing
 Click here

Hiding Lockheed's plant during WWII
Lockheed During WW. II (unbelievable 1940s pictures) This is pretty
neat--special effects during the 1940's: I have never seen these pictures
or knew that they had gone this far to protect us. During World War II the
Corps of Engineers needed to hide the Lockheed Burbank Aircraft Plant to
protect it from Japanese air attack. They covered it with camouflage
netting to make it look like a rural subdivision from the air.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Ring Finger
 Click here

So hot right now
 Click here


And from Zalaga of Nottingham

                                  Scottish Wedding

Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub
discussing Jim's big wedding day.

'Aye, it's going to be grand,' said Jim. 'I've got everything organised
already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the
minister, even ma stag night.'

Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly. 'Heavens, I've even got a kilt to be
married in,' continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.

'A kilt... that's guid. You'll look smart in that,' exclaimed Finlay, 'and
what's the tartan?'

'Och,' uttered Jim, 'I imagine she'll be in white.'


From Croydon Caz at Nestles HQ


This email reveals an interesting WWII military secret that was just
disclosed in 2007 a history treasure to pass along to anyone who has
played the game Monopoly.


Starting in 1941, an increasing number of British airmen found themselv es
as the involuntary guests of the Third Reich, and the crown was casting
about for ways and means to facilitate their escape. Now obviously, one of
the most helpful aids to that end is a useful and accurate map, one showing
not only where stuff was, but also showing the locations of 'safe houses'
where a POW on- th e-lam could go for food and shelter. Paper maps had
some real drawbacks -- they make a lot of noise when you open and fold
them, they wear out rapidly, and if they get wet, they turn into mush.
Someone in MI-5 (similar to America 's OSS ) got the idea of printing
escape maps on silk.
It 's durable, can be scrunched-up into tiny wads, and unfolded as many
times as needed, and makes no noise whatsoever.. At that time, there was
only one manufacturer in Great Britain that had perfected the technology
of printing on silk, and that was John Waddington, Ltd. When approached by
the government, the firm was only too happy to do its bit for the war
effort. By pure coincidence, Waddington was also the U. K. Licensee for
the popular
American board game, Monopoly. As it happened, 'games and pastimes' was a
category of item qualified for insertion20 into 'CARE packages',
dispatched by the International Red Cross, to prisoners of war. Under the
strictest of secrecy, in a securely guarded and inaccessible old workshop
on the grounds of Waddington's, a group of sworn-to-secrecy employees
began mass-producing escape maps, keyed to each region of Germany or Italy
where Allied POW camps were located (Red Cross packages were delivered to
prisoners in accordance with that same regional system). When processed,
these maps could be folded into such tiny dots that they would actually
fit inside a Monopoly playing piece. As long as they were at it, the
clever workmen at Waddington's also managed to add:

1. A playing token, containing a small magnetic compass

2. A two-part metal file that could easily be screwed together

3. Useful amounts of genuine high-denomination German, Italian, and French
currency, hidden within the piles of Monopoly money! British and American
air crews were advised, before taking off on their first mission, how to
identify a 'rigged' Monopoly set -- by means of a tiny red dot, one
cleverly rigged to look like an ordinary printing glitch, located in the
corner of the Free Parking=2 0square. Of the estimated 35,000 Allied POWS
who successfully escaped, an estimated one-third were aided in their
flight by the rigged Monopoly sets. Everyone who did so was sworn to
secrecy indefinitely, since the British Government might want to use this
highly successful ruse in still another, future war.

The story wasn't d e-classified until 2007, when the surviving craftsmen
from Waddington's, as well as the firm itself, were finally honored in a
public ceremony. Anyway, it's always nice when you can play that 'Get Out
Jail Free' card.

I realize you're all too young for WWII (!)..... maybe, but this is still
interesting, isn't it?


From Kaos-Reflex

                                         Blonde Joke

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his
way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile,
he yells to the server,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice
the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that
you're blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blond girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blond woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'


                                      The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side
service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this
man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a
typical man did not stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hear*e was
nowhere in sight.

I apologised to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of
the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.  I assured the
workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch.

I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep.

I played, and played like I'd never played before..... from Going Home &
Lord is my Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest .

I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mart'n and Joseph, I never seen
nothin' like that before -and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty


                         Michael Jackson's tour of the UK

Michael Jackson has recently announced his dates for his UK tour.

They are:

Joe, aged 4; Colin, aged 7; David, aged 6; & Jason, aged 9:

Rumour has it that Gary Glitter will be backstage!


                Six reasons why men prefer guns to women:
1.  You can trade an old 45 for a 22;
2.  You can admire a friends gun & he'll let you try it out;
3.  Guns function normally every day;
4.  Guns don't mind if you go to sleep after using them;
5.  Your gun stays with you, even if you run out of ammo; and  
6.  You can buy a silencer for a gun!


Finally a bunch from Stumpy Steve

My new Muslim girlfriend keeps talking about a blow-job.

I don't know whether to get my c*ck out or to warn London transport.....


Two old women are sitting in a cafe. Margaret says to Ethel, "Did you come
on the bus?"

Ethel replies, "Yeah, but I made it look like an asthma attack."


Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back.  How do you control
your anger?"

Wife:  "I clean the toilet..."

Husband:  "How does that help?"

Wife:  "I use your toothbrush!"


                                     Did you know ...

A recent survey found that 3% of blokes could suck their own c*cks.

What a load of rubbish. I mean, if you could suck your own c*ck, when would
you find the time to take part in surveys?


Q: What's E.T. short for?

A: Because he has little legs!


                      School telephone answering machine

This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland, staff
voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine .
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came
about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to
be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The
school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's
failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were
15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to
pass their classes.

The outgoing message: Hello! You have reached the automated answering
service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right
staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 To make excuses for why
your child did not do his work - Press 2 To complain about what we do -
Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4 To ask why you didn't get information
that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to
you - Press 5 If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 If you want to
reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 To request another
teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8 To complain about bus
transportation - Press 9 To complain about school lunches - Press 0 If you
realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and
responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's
not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have
a nice day! If you want this in another language, move to a country that
speaks it.


A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right
thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red
light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a
policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back
to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her
personal effects. He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake.

You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn,
flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I
noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life'
license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and
the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally... I assumed..........................

you had stolen the car.'


                                      Spoll chock!

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a quay and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
It's letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.


Quote of the Week:

 "One of the very difficult parts of the decision I made on the financial
  crisis was to use hardworking people's money to help prevent there
  to be a crisis."

                        George W. Bush, Washington, DC, Jan 12, 2009

[Praise the Lord that this dangerous simpleton is gone ... hopefully never
to be heard from again ... unless in the International Court ... where he
should have fairly sent his nemesis Saddam Hussein.  - Ed]


[ End friday humour ]

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