Friday humour - March 20, 2009

[from Steve @ Bluehaze]

Well the news items in Oz this week seem to have concentrated on the
obscene bonuses paid out to executives, particularly in the finance
industry. Isn't it time we called them for what they are? How can they
possibly be bonuses when these same executives have failed dismally to
perform, even sometimes resulting in the companies collapse. Bonuses for
what? How can they possibly be defended as necessary to attract and keep
the best talent? I refuse to believe these incompetents are even talented,
let alone the best talent? But then again, they have walked away with
obscene bonuses. Talents for getting obscenely rich still operating at
100%+

One of my co-editors, Burnout, has offered this during the week:
In further consideration of the issue of the Government's intention to
censer the internet, a petition has been started on Go
Petition to deliver a 'thumb in the ribs' to the Government. Perhaps FH
readers should be given an opportunity to consider adding their electronic
signature as I have.
 Click here

This weeks collection is courtesy of Allnutts, Arfermo, Baz, Billm,
Burnout, Croydon Caz, David from Gymea, Digi Steve, Diks, The
Great Gussius, Kaos_reflex, Martin, Moose, Nottingham Smithie, Stumpy
Steve, Technical Ray, Whizzbang, Zalaga, and the ever reliable anonymi. My
favourite is the Paddy's Day video.

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The Cowboy Boots
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want
to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a
sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong
feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She
managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on,
this time on the right feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why
didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his
little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,
'they're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what
grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

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A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great s*x, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts,
something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing
that?"

"Because," she replied, "I really miss mine."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it??

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When me prayers were poorly said,
Who tucked me in me widdle bed,
And spanked me till me ass was red ..

Me Mudder!

Who took me from me cozy cot,
And put me on the ice cold pot,
And made me pee when I could not ..

Me Mudder!

And when the morning light would come,
And in me crib me dribbled some,
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum ...

Me Mudder!

Who would me hair so neatly part,
And hug me gently to her heart,
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart ..

Me Mudder!

Who looked at me with eyebrows knit,
And nearly have a king size fit,
When in me Sunday pants me poop...

Me Mudder!

When at night her bed did squeak,
Me raised me head to have a peek,
Who yelled at me to go to sleep ...

Me Fadder!

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Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, I've
got you a job - starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for
10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? ...... I don't even have a
racket."

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Delivery man calls at a house.
The door is opened by a 10 year old Boy who is wearing a thong, stockings
and suspenders; he has a cigar in his left hand and a glass of whiskey in
the other hand.

"Is your Mother in?" asks the delivery driver.

"Does it f**king look like it" answers Boy

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Sexual Advice ...

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal s*x, and
she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. '

Actually, yes, I do.

''Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it.

''Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't
practice anal s*x, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not
to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal s*x?'

'Of course' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians and lawyers
come from.'

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Wild Passionate Sex On The Road.

A couple out for a Sunday drive, break down in an isolated part of the
country, walking along teasing each other they become so turned on they
couldn't take it anymore. Stripping out of their clothes, the begin having
wild passionate s*x, oblivious to the fact that they wound up in the road,
steadily going at it.

A truck driver in the distance spots something in the road and proceeds to
start blowing his horn. Closer and closer he gets steady blowing the horn,
till finally he realizes it's two people. He stops the truck, gets out and
walks up to the couple, who are lying there in exhaustion. He taps the guy
on the shoulder and says " hey didn't you hear me blowin' the horn ?". The
guy rolls off the lady looks up at him and says "yea I did?". The truck
driver says back "then why didn't you move ?". The guy looks up again and
slowly says " cause I was c*min', she was c*min', you was comin', and you
were the only one with brakes!"

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Beer Scam.

Authorities are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to
be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called "beer".

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female s*xual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of beer and then
simply ask him home for no-strings-attached s*x.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men
will often succ*mb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to
whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly
what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling
that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases,
the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into
a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage".

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and
s*x is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "beer" scam and the women administering it,
there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your
shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "golf courses" in the phone
book.

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A Mexican, a Black, and a Texas Redneck were walking together on a beach
when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the
bottle,
rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.

"I can only grant three wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are three of
you, you may have a wish apiece." Pointing at the Black,
he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so
that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland,
Africa."
Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my people
back to our homeland, May-he-co!" Poof! It was done! Row after row of
Chevrolet Pickups appeared on the Beach.

Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border,
then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing off into the
Sunset and said, "Just give me a Bud Light. It doesn't get any better than
this!"

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A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at
midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the
latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is
sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care
of it.

The young man finally gets back to the air base and makes his way to the
aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors
and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which
takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than
enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the
pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk
criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your
attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and
I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but
punished.' Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep
breath, stands up tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your
son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air
Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and
reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me.
I have one stripe; its 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees
below zero, and my job here is to pump sh*t out of an aircraft. Now, just
exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'

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Ye What?

Man goes to doctor with a hearing problem.
Doctor says can you describe the symptoms?
Man says Homers a fat bastard and Marge has blue hair

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COUNSELING - SOUTHERN STYLE

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and
drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife
- she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over ... women like
that are hard to find."

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Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a
speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there
before she forgot where she was going?

Makes perfectly good sense to me ...

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The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and awaited his new
dentures.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he
preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25
minutes.

When asked about this by some of his congregation , he responded this way:
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't
shut up

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A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went
inside and sat down.

"Ah ..." said the woman, as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are
the father of two children."

"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE
children."

The woman grinned and said, "No - that's what YOU think."

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Secret message in Lincolns watch
 Click here

Money
 Click here

Nice video for you fishermen to see.
Sound on. He mentions Falcon lake in Zapata, Texas.
Who says only moccasins like water?  Be alert when fishing!
 Click here

Weird Craig from Melbourne.
 Click here

Colour test ... Not so Easy
 Click here

For cat people, engineers, or engineers who are already cat people
 Click here

A moment to reflect and enjoy the beauty of nature
 Click here

What a country!
 Click here
Can you believe it? Man wins Georgia lottery on Wednesday, finds love of
his life two days later. Talk about luck!

New release from SONY
 Click here

Innovative Watch
 Click here
Not sure if these are on the market as yet. However, it would seem there
are no batteries required and, it comes with a lifetime guarantee.

We went hunting over the three day weekend and killed these two plus three
smaller ones.
 Click here
I can't remember how many shots it took, but it was a lot.

Hello!
 Click here

Tour de France 1940
 Click here

Police.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Let's go Ice Fishing ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Or - you could just clean your teeth ...
 Click here

Beer Launcher!
 Click here

Clever girl ...
 Click here

Wedding ring?
 Click here

Why I don't fish anymore!
 Click here

Unbelievable. Watch Closely!!
 Click here

Motherhood, a precious gift. Brings a tear to your eye seeing just how
deeply and tenderly all creatures care for their babies.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

The s*x of a bird.
 Click here

Due to the global financial crisis, we have no other alternative but to
fire Andre.
 Click here

Mother-in-law..........
 Click here

For the 1st time in their 3 year marriage, a wife asked if her husband
would mind making the next day's lunches for them both.
Obligingly he agrees. The next morning, the young wife asks her loving
husband, 'Where is our lunch honey?' He replied, 'I placed it on the
second shelf of the fridge. My lunch is the one on the left, and yours is
on the right'
 Click here

The guy under the apple can be whoever you want him to be
 Click here

There are, on this painting, more than 100 well known persons. If you are
able to name more than 30 of them, you can consider yourself as well
cultured.
 Click here

Probably won't see this one again anytime soon! When they took the plane
out of the Hudson they ended up having to detour through
East Rutherford NJ. These roads were not made for planes.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Itchy Pole Dance
 Click here

When selling a home, legally you must state everything that is wrong with
it, or why I keep getting new neighbours ...
 Click here

Never shoot a target on a steel post
 Click here

How fast is your 4WD?
 Click here

Mackay Breakwater ... after Hamish.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

That's why woman hate sports.
 Click here Click here

Giant Caterpillar found in Australia.
 Click here

How to paint your house.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

If you are an owner of a dog that belongs to a 'dangerous breed' category
and you also have a small child please take this as a warning. Don't leave
your dog with the child unattended under any circ*mstances. Only a little
moment was enough for the following to happen.
 Click here

The cutest Paddy's Day video EVER!
 Click here

Ambulance service introduces Trained Dogs to do CPR ...
 Click here

Tweety Bird is 60 Years Old This Week!
 Click here

A video that was submitted in a contest by a 20 year-old. The contest was
Titled "u @ 50". This video won second place.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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