Friday humour - March 13, 2009

 Car-servicing specialist Kwik Fit is the latest organisation to feel the
wrath of a music industry body over so-called breaches of copyright, with
the Edinburgh-based company ending up in court for allegedly allowing its
staff to listen to the radio at work.

According to the Performing Right Society (PRS), Kwik Fit mechanics and
other staff routinely listen to their own radios while at work at a volume
loud enough for customers to hear.  This, apparently, constitutes a public
performance of the music in question, making Kwik Fit liable to pay annual
licensing fees to the PRS in the same way a radio station does.

Court allows action In order to pass on the fees it believes its members
are due, the PRS has sued Kwik Fit for 200,000 in damages.
In return, the auto firm sought to have the claim thrown out of court,
which failed when the Court of Session in Edinburgh ruled that the action
can go ahead and be heard.

Setting aside the pending court action, the argument that the PRS is
actually doing its members a disservice is hard to overlook.  By seeking
to stop anyone in these circ*mstances listening to the music its artists
create, isn't the industry body being more than a tad churlish?

After all, hearing and enjoying a new artist by chance is more likely to
create a fan who goes on to buy CDs and concert tickets than is promoting
a sterile atmosphere in which only officially licensed operators can play
that music.

My reaction is that there is no cause so inane that the law will not
consider it.  One would think that a recording artist and or producer
would be delighted to walk into a place of business and hear their music
being played over the radio.  The notion that the person or establishment
playing that radio should pay them, or that they are creating a public
performance merely because the radio can be heard by someone walking into
the business,
is nonsense.  "Public performance" doesn't mean anything that can be heard
or seen as we stroll through life, William Shakespeare not withstanding.
It's not the "public" part of "public performance" that's determinative.
It's the "performance" part.  To count as a "public performance" something
unusual must be offered in conjunction with some effort to attract the
public on account of that something.  In this case, were it to be alleged
that the radio program was offered by Kwik Fit in order to attract
customers to its store, then there might be something to it.
Otherwise, it's bol-locks, anyway on with more humour


From: Allnutts
Blonde with Religious overtones

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a s*xy nightie and, with
great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic
husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was
apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'.In
tears, she sobbed,
'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend
it to, and for how long?'

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 From: Allnutts

HEMA is a Dutch department store.  The first store opened on November 4,
1926, in Amsterdam .  Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands .

Take a look at HEMA's product page.  You can't order anything and it's in
Dutch, wait for the page to load then just wait a couple of seconds and
watch what happens.

Don't click on any of the items in the picture, just wait and see what
happens.

This company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer, ya?
           Click here

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The Obedient Italian Wife/ Mama Mia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What you can learn from an Italian Wife !!!

There was an Italian immigrant man who had worked all his life, had saved
all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just
before he died, he said to his Italian wife..."When I die, I want you to
take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my
money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he
died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there - dressed in black, (what else), and her best friend was sitting
next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the
undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a
moment!"

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it
in the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled
it away. So her friend said,

 "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with
your husband."
 The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm an Italian Catholic & I cannot go
back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the
casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
 "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account, I wrote him a check....  If he can cash it, then he can spend
it."
AMEN!

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 From: Anonymous.............Irish Lent

  An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry , walks into the
  pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his
  eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a
  table, alone.

  An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three
  more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders
  and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town
  is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

  Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of
  the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around  here are wondering
  why you always order three beers?"

  "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers,
  and one went to America , and the other to Australia . We promised
  each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we
  drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

  The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and
  soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and
  source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners
  would come to watch him drink.

  Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The
  bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest
  of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town.
  Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

  The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me
  first of all, want to offer condolences  to you for the death of your
  brother. You know-the two beers and all"

  The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to
  hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I,
  meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

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 From: Burnout
Are you ready to be a parent?

Test 1
Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag
down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of
the beans. You may as well give all of your cute clothes away. Don't
expect to wear cute shoes or a bra again.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of
your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then
go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their
head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Wave goodbye to your s*x life.

Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods
of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how
they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they
might improve their child's sleeping habits,
toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be
the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing
approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other
obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
3. Time allowed for this: all morning.

Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't think that you
can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't
look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
2. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a family size packet of chocolate biscuits; quash them into the
back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6
Get ready to go out
1. Wait
2. Go out the front door
3. Come back in again
4. Go out
5. Come back in again
6. Go out again
7. Walk down the front path
8. Walk back up it
9. Walk down it again
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours
come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find
to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to
have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks
groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish
this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side 4.
Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.
7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10
Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Dora and
Bob the Builder. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11
Can you stand the mess children make. To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.
4. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?

Test 12
Make a recording of someone shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important:
no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy - occasional crescendo to
the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car,
everywhere you go for the next 4 years. You are now ready to take a long
trip with a toddler.

Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug
on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the
Mummy tape listed above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an
adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important
meeting.
Now:
1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
2. Stir
3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
6. Do not change, you have no time.
7. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have kids.      Enjoy!

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 From: Burnout
Mystery Solved

For hundreds, maybe thousands of years, people have been trying to figure
out how primitive people could build huge structures such as Stonehenge
and the pyramids out of stone blocks weighing thousands of pounds.

Scientists have been stumped.

Then along comes a normal guy - a retired construction worker - and he says
well, I would do it like this. And he does. This guy uses the simplest
tools known to man and shows how simple and easy it would have been to
create
Stonehenge

This is a really great video clip. Amazing how this guy could figure out
something that has confounded scholars for centuries. He not only figures
it out, he demonstrates it! This guy could build a replica of Stonehenge
single-handedly, while a committee of 20 or 30 Civil Engineering
professors from leading universities would be debating how it might be
done.

'Stonehenge Reloaded'. ............

 Click here

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From: Burnout

The chip company "SMITH'S" are to introduce a new flavour to there crisp
range, they will be semen flavoured.
They will be marketed as a diet snack as 97.8% of women are bound to spit
them straight out!

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PIPE  DESIGN CRITERIA

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic
centred around the hole.


2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes
of different length than the pipe.


3. The ID (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside
diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside.


4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that the water,
steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.


5. All pipe should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily
applied at the job site. Note: Some vendors are now able to supply
pre-rusted pipe.  If available in your area, product is recommended,
as it will save a great deal of time of the job site.


6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "Long Pipe"
clearly painted on each end so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.


7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "Long Pipe"
painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire
length of the pipe to determined wether or not it is long pipe or a short
pipe.


8. All pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter must have the words "Large Pipe"
painted on it sot eh contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.


9. Flanges must be used on all pipe.  Flanges must have holes in for bolts
quite separate from the big hole in the middle.


10.  When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degree elbows, be sure to
specify right hand or left hand: otherwise you will end up going the wrong
way.


11.  Be sure to specify to your vendor wether you want level, uphill or
downhill pipe.  If you use downhill pipe for going uphill,
the water will flow the wrong way.


12.  All couplings should have either right hand or left hand threads, but
do not mix the threads, otherwise as the coupling is being screwed on one
pipe; it is unscrewed from the other.

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 From: Diks

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided
to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just
then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting
him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his
doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that
you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very
little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done
to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister
a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. She's a flute player in the local
symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you
don't p*ss in your eye.'

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From: Kaos_reflex

The authorities in Lahore, within the Pakistani province of Punjab, (being
the 2nd largest city in Pakistan), at the location of the recent shooting
against the Sri Lanka cricket players, have just finished counting the
bullets from that recent shooting there.
The final result:- 7 for 366.

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 From: Muse
 A talented mime...

Ennio Marchetto is a world renowned and awarded comedian who has created
his own theatrical language mixing mime, dance, music and quick change
costumes made out of card-board and paper. In 18 years Ennio has performed
in over 70 countries for more than a million people. His show has received
numerous awards and international critical acclaim.
PS.....He is from Italy .  He does impressions of stars and singers using
these paper costumes that transform from one person into another.  He is
incredible!!


                        Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie
 An Old Cowboy's Advice

* Keep your fences horse-high, pig-tight & bull-strong.
* Keep skunks & bankers & lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies.  It messes up their heads.
* Don't corner something that would normally run from you.
* It doesn't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about is never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* Sometimes you get, & sometimes you get got.
* Don't fix it if it ain't broke.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, & a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply.  Love generously.  Care deeply.  Speak kindly.

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 From: Stumpy Steve...............ASDA Greeting

A very loud, fat, greasy, unattractive, chav-type woman wearing a Newcastle
United top walked into ASDA in Sunderland with her two umpalumpa kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning Madam, and welcome to ASDA.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'
The ugly fat woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Whye na, they're
not twins yer silly sod. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why
the ell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick, stupid or
just a cheese eater?'
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,' replied the greeter, 'I just
couldn't believe you've been shagged twice. Have a good day, and thank you
for shopping at ASDA.'

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From: Whizzbang..................Please read all of this!!!

Hi all
Below is an email I received from a number of different people who are in
small business and very concerned about their future.  I've taken
advantage of this network to send it to you all as a lot of people in this
network will be dealing with the ongoing effects.  It seems a bit harsh at
first but
I urge you to read it through until the end, the writer of this email is
certainly not the only one who feels this way.
Thankyou for your time,


Work and the "Stimulation Package"


This is an email I recieved from a " friend" of mine who sent it to ALL of
his employee's please distribute it's contants....This is reality
This is what damage they are doing to business . . . . . .
The government has got it wrong . . . . . .


Date: Sat, 03 Jan 2009

To All My Valued Employees,

There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this
company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has
changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news
is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job. What does threaten
your job; however, is the changing political landscape in this country.
However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you
decide what is in your best interests.

First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against
employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a
back story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you
see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Subaru Outback outside. You've seen
my big home at last year's Christmas party. I'm sure all these flashy
icons of luxury conjure up some idealised thoughts about my life.
However, what you don't see is the back story.
I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 2 bedroom
flat for 3 years. My entire living area was converted into an office so I
could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way,
would eventually employ you.

My diet consisted of baked beans, stew and soup because every dollar I
spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a
wonky transmission. I didn't have time to go out with women. Often times,
I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and
partying. In fact,
I was married to my business -- hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.

Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a
modest $50,000 a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy
cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead
of hitting the David Jones for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling
through the discount store extracting any clothing item that didn't look
like it was birthed in the 70's. My friends refinanced their mortgages and
lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and
my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too,
will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.

So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check in at
about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don't. There is no "off" button for
me.
When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to
yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and breathe this
company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend.
There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip like
a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only see the fruits of
that garden -- the nice house, the Subaru, the vacations... you never
realise the back story and the sacrifices I've made.

Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right
decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn't.
The people that overspent their pay suddenly feel entitled to the same
luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.

Yes, business ownership has its benefits but the price I've paid is steep
and not without wounds.

Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is
starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you
why:
I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough. I
have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes.
Payroll taxes. Workers compensation. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I
have to hire a accountant to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I
have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations
and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On
Oct 15th, I wrote a cheque to the Australian tax Office for $288,000 for
quarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" cheque was? Zero. Zip. Zilch.

The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy
who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000
people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting
at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare cheque?
Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this
country.

The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your pay you'd quit and you
wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you? That's nuts. Who wants to get
rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job
is in jeopardy.

Here is what many of you don't understand .... to stimulate the economy you
need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had the government suddenly
mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of
depositing that $288,000 into the Canberra black-hole, I would have spent
it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My
employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of
promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.
When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't defibrillate
and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or,
do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of Australia and
always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. But
the power brokers in Canberra believe the poor of Australia are the
essential drivers of the Australian economic engine. Nothing could be
further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep.

So where am I going with all this? It's quite simple.

If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift
and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the
government to pay for your mortgage, your 4WD and your child's future.
Frankly, it isn't my problem any more.

Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire.
You see, I'm done. I'm done with a country that penalises the productive
and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs
will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.
So, if you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the economy; it will
be at the hands of a politicians that swept through this country changed
its financial landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me sitting
on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about....
Signed,
Your boss


there are many ways the government could stimulate the economy:

1.    STOP giving the bludgers more money to buy drugs and grog

2.    Raise the personal tax threashold to $15,000 this gives everyone more
money

3.    Reduce GST to 5%

4.     give industry a boost to keep employment .....Cut Taxes

5.    Give bonuses to businesses to employ apprentices it's cheaper to
spend the money to give to business than to keep bludgers on the dole  !  
!   !
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 From: Whizzbang
The Magic of WD40.........................MUST BE GOOD STUFF...

A lady got up very early one morning and went outside to pickup the Sunday
paper, she noticed someone had sprayed red paint all around the sides of
the neighbors brand new beige truck. She went over and woke him up and
gave him the bad news. He was, of course extremely upset.

And they stood there trying to figure out what could be done about the
problem.. They decided there wasn't much recourse but to wait until
Monday, since nothing was open. Just then another neighbor came out of his
house, surveyed the situation and immediately went to get his WD-40 out and
cleaned the red paint off with it.
Guess What! It cleaned up that paint without harming the original paint on
the truck! I'm impressed!!

Water Displacement #40. The product began from a search for a rust
preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts.
WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego
Rocket Chemical Company..

Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water displacement'
compound. They were successful with the fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.
The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile
parts.

Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in
WD-40 that would hurt you... IT IS MADE FROM FISH OIL. When you read the
"shower door" part, try it. It 's the first thing that has ever cleaned
that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as
glass. It is a miracle! Then try it on your stove top... It is now shinier
than it has ever been before .

WD 40 also:

1) Protects silver from tarnishing.
2) Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3) Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4) Gives floors that "just-waxed" sheen without making it slippery.
5) Keeps flies off cows.
6) Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7) Removes lipstick stains.
8) Loosens stubborn zippers.
9) Untangles jewellery chains.
10) Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11) Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12) Keeps ceramic/terracotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13) Removes tomato stains from clothing..
14) Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots.
15) Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors.
16) Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17) Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
18) It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Open some windows
if you have a lot of marks.
19) Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car, removed quickly, with
WD-40!
20) Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide.
21) Lubricates gear shift on lawn mowers.
22) Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises.
23) Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to
open.
24) Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25) Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles,
well as vinyl bumpers.
26) Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27) Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans.
28) Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy
handling.
29) Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running
smoothly.
30) Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools.
31) Removes splattered grease on stove.
32) Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33) Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34) Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell).
35) Removes all traces of duct tape.
36) Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve
arthritis pain
37) Florida 's favourite use 'Cleans and removes love bugs from grills and
bumpers.'
38) Protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
39) WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will
be catching the big one in no time.
40) Ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops the itch.
41) WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and
wipe with a clean rag.
42) If you've washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry,
saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 and presto the lipstick is gone!
43) If you spray WD-40 on the distributor cap, it will displace the
moisture and allow the car to start.

Keep a can of WD-40 in your kitchen cabinet. It is good for oven burns or
any other type of burn. It takes the burned feeling away and heals with NO
scarring. Remember, the basic ingredient is
FISH OIL*

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 From: Zalaga
 The know it all quiz

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that
I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with
straight answers:

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators  nor the participants
know the score or the leader until the contest  ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving  backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own  for
several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every
year.  What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds  on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a  real pear inside
the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is  genuine; it
hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the  bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters  'dw' and
they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14  punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at
least half of  them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen,  canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6  or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the
letter  'S.'


Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators  nor the participants know
the score or the leader until the contest ends .  Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward. Niagara  Falls (The
rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the
millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two  vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several
growing seasons.  Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside ...  Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew  inside the
bottle.
(The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are  small, and are wired
in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for  the entire growing
season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped  off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw Dwarf, dwell  and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English  grammar. Period, comma, colon,
semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe,  question mark, exclamation point,
quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis,  braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen,  canned, processed,
cooked,
or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.

9. Six  or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S'. Shoes,
socks,  sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings,
stilts.
___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Allnutts
 worth watching!

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN .... against tables,
chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Allnutts
A very worthwhile exercise.
 Click here

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 From: Allnutts
 Best Video of the Year

 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Billm
 Updated Federal Government Stimulus Package Including Tax Refunds

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Burnout
Marriage is like a Slurpy.

 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Burnout ........................................ Pakistan Cricket
Tour
Uniform.

 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

  From: Burnout
Great Photos

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Burnout
 Any one here met Craig?

 Click here Click here Click here


 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Burnout
 The floods up north aren't all bad news...

 Click here Click here

These are some Barra that are being washed over the spillway at Lake
Moondarra in Mt Isa.
They hit the rocks at the bottom and die. The pictures were taken by an
Ambulance Officer in the Isa.

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 From: Davo
 Top_Images_2008

 Click here

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From: Diks
I'm ordering this bumper sticker

 Click here


 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Diks
The ULTIMATE in Women's Body Piercing

 Click here

The ULTIMATE in Women's Body Piercing...
Biggest turn on for guys!

Men all over the country are urging their wives and sweethearts to get this
'chic' procedure. The going rate in the US now exceeds $10,000. Many men
feel it is worth it.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Diks
Worth sharing..................

 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Diks.................. enjoy a good joke...

 Click here


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Moose
Why they ride camels
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Nottingham Smithie
 outsourcing

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Nottingham Smithie
Amazing love story

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie
Sams Story

 Click here


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Nottingham Smithie
 New Japanese Car - Watch Her Park It
 Click here


 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Nottingham Smithie
 Animation of Hudson River landing

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Stumpy Steve
A WORSE NAME THAN MIKE HUNT???

 Click here


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Stumpy Steve

 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Whizzbang
Why EVERYTHING should be sold with instructions!

 Click here

Why EVERYTHING should be sold with instructions!

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Whizzbang
Sleep 'walking' dog

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Zalaga
 HOW TO SPOT A GAY TERRORIST

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Zalaga
 Ryanair - In case of an emergency
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: anonymous
 A 3rd grader's essay about horses!!! classic!
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: anonymous
Tired of being a wall Flower?

 Click here

Do you sit unnoticed on the sidelines  while others are picked?
Try the latest scarf fashion and you too will be the center of attention:
 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: anonymous
 Chinese Wonder Cream

 Click here

Its  good to see the Chinese have a cream to fix  everything!

Look closely at what it  does

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: anonymous
 Valentines Day is CANCELLED

 Click here


 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: anonymous
 Good One
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: anonymous
Horsey...

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: anonymous
 Cyanide & Happiness

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: anonymous...................................Deliciously South
African

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: anonymous
 Bambi & Thumper

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Bambi  & Thumper....really  do exist!

What  an incredible photographer to  have caught these shots...

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: anonymous
 Always check your eggs!

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: anonymous
Coming Soon!
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: anonymous
 Who said the Homeless are not creative

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: anonymous
A Stunning Senior Moment

 Click here

I like this one.  Enjoy!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



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[ End friday humour ]

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