Friday humour - March 06, 2009


From Burnout at Bluehaze

It does seem as if we stumble form one crisis to the next sometimes,
Bush Fires to Terrorist attacks. Perhaps we are turning into a crisis
driven society. At least we have our Bluehaze to keep us warm & dry.

Another week, another load of humour for the houmourites of Bluehaze we
have a huge load for you this week so enjoy.


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From: Anonymous

The Italian  Secret of a Long Marriage

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church in South  Philly they have a weekly
husband's only marriage  seminar. At the session last week, the Priest
asked Luigi,
who was  approaching his 50th  wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes
and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these  years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've  a-tried to treat-a
her nizza,  spenda money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to
Italy for  the 20th  anniversary!"

The  Priest responded "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your
50th  Anniversary."


Luigi proudly  replied, "I'm agonna go get her."

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Subject: Rugby Poem........

I woke up with a headache that’d hung around for days
And half a pack of aspirin wouldn’t make it go away
I knew the thing that caused it, and it made me feel depressed
It wasn’t too much alcohol, but simply too much stress  
I rang my local doctor in my quest to get it fixed
A chat and some prescription drugs would surely do the trick
I drove to my appointment and arrived in ample time
Then waited, watched and read until the next name called was mine  
I walked into the doctor’s room, he checked me up and down
Then peered over his glasses as he asked me with a frown;
"Are you worried your blood pressure might be up again?
Or is your gout and hernia a cause of constant pain?
 
Are you being bothered by your bulging lumbar disc?
Your slowly failing eyesight or your subcutaneous cyst?
Your rheumatoid arthritis or those ulcers on your tongue?
Your kidney stones, your fungus, or those dark spots on your lung?
 
Your low sperm count, your dodgy knee, that cancer on your hand?
That rash around your privates, your grotesquely swollen gland?
Well surely, then, you’re worried ‘bout your pending heart attack?"
"No", I said, "I’m worried that my son’s become a back"  
"He’s only short in stature and his thighs and arms are small
He cries when he gets injured and he cannot catch the ball
He’d rather kick than tackle and his nose is deadly straight
He’d rather hang out with his mum than drink beer with his mates"  
"His ears aren’t cauliflowered and he will not tape his head
And every night, by 8 o’clock, he’s tucked up in his bed
He’s fast and he’s elusive and the girls all think he’s cute
And as for scrums and line outs, well, he hasn’t got a clue"  
"His body isn’t hairy and he very rarely sweats
He’d rather read a book than play in winter when it’s wet
He’s never sculled a schooner and he’s quick to bite and scratch
He whinges, whines and finds my Garryowens hard to catch"  
"He’s never punched a punching bag, or bench pressed his own weight
Or stacked the bar and squatted – doing sets of six to eight
His head is bigger than his neck, he can’t secure the ball
He’s never seen a prop up close or driven a rolling maul"  
As I described the symptoms my good doctor simply smiled
I said: "You don’t understand – this is my only child.
I tell you doc, I’m worried, is there something I can do?"
"Give it time," the doctor said. "Your son is only two!"


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From: Duke of Barsinov

True   Friendship
None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but
never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card, just the stone cold
truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.


2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you are thinking of something that I would
probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared - I will rag you about it every chance I get until
you're NOT.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will try to use only little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again.
 I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will laugh at your clumsy ass, but
I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath... . I pledge it to the end.
'Why?' you may ask; because you are my friend.


Send this to 10 of your closest friends,
Then get depressed because you can only think of 4.


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What Is Butt Dust???

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'?  Read on and you'll discover the joy in it!
 These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!     
 MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was
so old she didn't remember any more.
Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your
panties. Mine say five to six.'


 
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After
a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for
cold milk?' 

 

 

 
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.
She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration,
her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for
her. Eyes wide with wonder,
the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

 
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth
cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked:
'How much do I cost?'

 
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his
Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen
with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

 
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why
is he whispering in her mouth?'

 
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly,
rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and
then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

 
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.  His dad read: 'The man named
   Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What
happened to the flea?'
       The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget .
     This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with
arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that
moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and
asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom,
what is butt dust?'


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From: Kaos_reflex

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who
are just never sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not
dried out.

Give this a try:

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
·         1 medium size chicken ·         1 cup melted butter ·         1
cup pre made stuffing mix ·         1 cup uncooked popcorn ·        
Salt/pepper to taste

·         Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
·         Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
·         Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn (mixed together).
·         Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the
oven.
·         Listen for the popping sounds.

·         When the chicken's ar*e blows the oven door off and the chicken
flies across the room, it is
Done.

And you thought I couldn't cook.


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Crabby Old Man

What do you see, nurses?........What do you see?
What are you thinking......when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man...............not very wise?
Uncertain of habit with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food.......and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice....."I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice.....the things that you do.
And forever is losing a sock or a shoe?
Who, resisting or not...........lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?.....Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse......you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am, as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten......with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters......who love one another.
A young boy of Sixteen...........with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now...a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty, my heart gives a leap.
Remembering the vows........that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now........I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide......and a secure, happy home.
A man of Thirty.........my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other........with ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me........to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children........ My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me.......... My wife is now dead.
I look at the future..............I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own.
And I think of the years...... And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel.
'Tis jest to make old age.......look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles..........grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone........where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass......a young guy still dwells,
And now and again........my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys..............I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living.............life over again.
I think of the years....all too few......gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact........that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people..........open and see.
Not a crabby old man. Look closer....see........ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person that you might brush
aside without looking at the young soul within.....we will all, one day,
be there, too.


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From: Moose

SING IT GIRLS!!!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now - go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My s*x life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good s*x,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My s*x life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good s*x,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!


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MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each

other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to

each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20,

even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything

smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on

sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,

shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can

spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she

does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the

trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about

dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods,

secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people

remembering the same thing!


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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up
to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden
shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back
door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed
stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing
from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your
doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


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From: Nottingham Smithie

UKNDA PRESS RELEASe - "A DECISION THAT THE NEXT PRIME MINISTER MUST
MAKE"BRITAIN RISKS LOSING ITS GLOBAL INFLUENCE IF WE DON'T INVEST IN
DEFENCE

The next Prime Minister must choose between a world role alongside America
or relegation to the 'second division'


Britain will cease to be a major player in world affairs and we will lose
our influence with the United States unless there is a significant
increase in funding for our armed forces. This decision cannot wait until
after the next General Election but must be made now.

In a hard-hitting policy paper, "A decision the next Prime Minister must
make", published by the United Kingdom National Defence Association
(UKNDA) and endorsed by former Chief of the Defence Staff General Lord
Guthrie and former Foreign Secretary Lord Owen, the UKNDA's Tony Edwards
says that
Britain has a clear choice: to continue with proactive foreign & defence
policies - and fund them - or compromise towards purely reactive policies.

The UKNDA paper, which is also endorsed by Marshal of the RAF Sir Peter
Harding, Air Marshal Ian Macfadyen and Admiral Sir John Treacher, argues
that Britain's armed forces are already so severely under-funded and
over-stretched that within five years we will have plummeted from the
'first division' (in terms of military capability) to the middle of the
second division, below France, Russia, China, India, Germany and Japan.

Edwards, an independent industrialist and former Head of Defence Export
Services in the Ministry of Defence, with extensive experience in the
defence and aerospace industries, asserts that while Government Ministers
claim the UK "punches above its weight" in world affairs, the reality is
that  our armed forces are required to "punch above their budget" - and
they cannot do so any longer.

Consistent under-investment in defence since the last Strategic Defence
Review in 1998 has left Britain with a c*mulative defence deficit of up to
£20Bn. In addition to this, there is a capital equipment spending gap of
at least £15Bn. "With the possible exception of the Foreign and
Commonwealth
Office," writes Edwards, "the Ministry of Defence has been the lowest
funding priority of any Government department since 1997. This is
inconsistent with the ambitious foreign and defence policies pursued by
the
Government in the same period."

Edwards argues that to close the gap and repair the damage done to our
military capability by years of under-investment, there must be an
increase in the defence budget of £5Bn in the first year followed by £10Bn
in the second and then £15Bn extra every year until the appropriate balance
has been restored. If these increases are not forthcoming, the UK must
learn to accept a diminishing role in the world and must rely instead on
other countries to play what has historically been Britain's role as "a
force for good in the world".

In his foreword to the paper, UKNDA President Winston S. Churchill, whose
grandfather waged a virtually single-handed campaign for British
rearmament throughout the 1930s, writes that if we wish to continue to be
a significant player on the world stage "the next Prime Minister. will
have no choice but to offer decisive leadership to the nation and
personally demonstrate the courage to make good the shortfall in defence
funding of the past 10 'locust years', during which the armed forces have
been stretched to breaking point by a combination of over-commitment and
under-resourcing."

The paper concludes: "At stake is Britain's future: our ability to defend
our country and our world-wide interests, our global influence through the
UN and international alliances, and, not least, our special relationship
with the United States."


   "Full details of the UKNDA may be found at: www.uknda.org"


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A Tampon Story...Don't Laugh

Please read the whole thing, You'll love it.................Tampons (A TRUE
STORY)

Tampons to the rescue in Iraq!! Don't worry, it's a good story, and worth
reading. It's even humorous in parts. It's from the mother of a Marine in
Iraq.


My son told me how wonderful the care packages we had sent them from the
ladies auxiliary were and wanted me to tell everyone thank you.

He said that one guy we'll call Marine X, got a female care package and
everyone was giving him a hard time. My son said, 'Marine X got some
really nice smelling lotion and everyone really likes it, so every time he
goes to sleep they steal it from him.' I told my son I was really sorry
about the mistake, and if he wanted I would send Marine X another package.
He told me not to worry about Marine X because every time I send something
to him, he shares it with Marine X.


He said when my husband and I sent the last care package, Marine X came
over to his cot picked up the box, started fishing through it, and said,
'What'd we get this time?'


But my son said they had the most fun with Marine X's package. He said he
wasn't sure who it was supposed to go to, but the panties were size 20,
and he said one of the guys got on top of the Humvee and jumped off with
the panties over his head and yelled, 'Look at me, I'm a n Airborne
Ranger!!!!'


One of the guys attached the panties to an antenna and it blew in the wind
like a windsock. He said it entertained them for quite awhile. Then of
course.......they had those tampons. When he brought this up, my
imagination just went running, but he continued.


My son said they had to go on a mission and Marine X wanted the Chap-Stick
and lotion for the trip. He grabbed a bunch of the items from his care
package and got in the Humvee. As luck would have it he grabbed the
tampons too, and my son said everyone was teasing him about 'not
forgetting his feminine hygiene products.'

He said things went well for a while, then the convoy was ambushed and a
Marine was shot. He said the wound was pretty clean, but it was deep. He
said they were administering first aid but couldn't get the bleeding to
slow down, and someone said, 'Hey! Use Marine X's tampons!' My son said
they put the tampon in the wound. At this point my son profoundly told Me,
'Mom, did you know that tampons expand?' ('Well....yeah!')


They successfully slowed the bleeding until the guy got better medical
attention. When they went to check on him la ter, the surgeon told them,
'You guys saved his life. If you hadn't stopped that bleeding he would have
bled to death.' My Son said, 'Mom, the tampons sent by the Marine Moms by
mistake saved a Marine's life.'


At this point I asked him, 'Well, what did you do with the rest of the
tampons?'

He said, 'Oh, we divided them up and we all have them in our flak jackets,
and I kept two for our first aid kit.'


I am absolutely amazed by the ingenuity of our Marines. I can't believe
that something that started out as a mistake then turned into a joke,
ended up saving someone's life. My sister said she doesn't believe in
mistakes. She believes God had a plan all along. She believes that 'female
care package' was sent to Marine X to save our Marine.


Either way, our efforts have boosted the morale of many Marines, provided
much needed items for our troops, AND saved the life of a Marine! God
bless every one of you for your efforts and hard work, and God bless our
Marines,
Army, Navy, Air Force and all our military service personnel.


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The Gynaecologist

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared
carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a
score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear
ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an
error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly,
which was worth 50% of the total mark.
"You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50%
of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire
career."

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A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects.

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects. "Well," Says
the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop . . . Maybe
within the next couple of years." "Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice.
And after that?" "Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's Possible I could become
Archbishop . . . Given luck and God's blessing." "Very nice, very nice; and
after Archbishop?" "Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's
really very unlikely. But in theory, I could become a Cardinal." "Lovely!"
enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet Would suit your complexion. So what's
after
Cardinal?" The priest smiles. "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope . . . But
I'm hardly likely to become . . . Hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible.
If a
Pole can, why not an Englishman again? Yes, I could just become Pope."
"Splendid! I would take personal Pride in your becoming the Pope. And after
Pope what?" The priest looks At him in surprise, "After Pope? There's
nothing after Pope! I mean, there's just God above the Pope . . . I can't
become God." "So why not?" the Rabbi said, "one of our boys made it."

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A Secretary

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got
some bad  news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some
good news for once."

"All right, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not
sterile."


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"Doctor," a man told his psychotherapist, "My wife uses her vibrator
Every evening and for a long time. What should I do?"

"Well," replied the doctor, "Maybe you should be more attentive to
Her Sexual needs and make love to her more often..."

"It's not that, "interrupted the man, "It's just that the damn thing
Interferes with the TV remote!"


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"Parting Shot"
My wife is the worst cook in the world.

After dinner; I don't brush my teeth, I count them.


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From: Stumpy Steve

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of
Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian Saint and we're Jewish," she
asks,
"Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad, but who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, " I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give
Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad,
and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I
did and sent valentines to
Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the
place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate
anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow his ass away."


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Riley asks Murphy "why do scuba divers always fall off their boats
backwards?"

 To which Murphy replies "you thick o' what Riley, if they fell forwards
they'd still be on the boat"


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I was walking past the fridge this morning and I thought I heard the onions
singing a song by the Beegees. When I opened the door it was only the
CHIVES
TALKING.

(Oh GOD! Any more like this and I will pull out the scissors. - ED)
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From: Whizzbang     (You can have this one again cause I like it! - ED)

The Half-Wit.

A man owned a small farm in Aberdeen Shire. The Department of Work &
Pensions claimed he was not paying proper wages to his farm hands and sent
an Inspector out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the
agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3
years. I pay him £ 200 a week plus free room and board. There is a lady
who cleans and cooks she's been here for 18 months, and I pay her £ 150
per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work. He makes about £ 10 per week, pays his own room
and board, and I buy him a bottle of Scotch every Sat*rday night. He also
sleeps with my wife occasionally.."
"That's the man I want to talk to...the half-wit," says the Inspector.
"That would be me then," replied the farmer.


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A Murrie woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon an old
empty bottle.

She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.

She talked with him awhile then he told her he granted wishes. She said she
heard from her sister-girls that she would get three wishes if she ever
found a Genie.

The Genie said, 'Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth.

I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?'

The Murrie woman didn't hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle
East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other
and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will
bring about world peace and harmony.'

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Sister, be reasonable. These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after
being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good! But not THAT good! I
don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please BE reasonable.'

The Murrie woman thought for a minute and said, 'Well, I've never been able
to find the right Murrie man. You know one that's considerate and fun,
likes to dance and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets
along with my family, doesn't fight around, doesn't drink alcohol, doesn't
play pokies, and is faithful. That's what I wish for - a good MURRIE man.'

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,

'Sis! Let me see that bloody map again.'


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From: Zalaga
Joining the Euro

A cross-section survey of 1000 typical people in the UK , made up  of:
Afghans,
Pakistanis,
Indians,
Poles,
Iraqis,
Somalis,
Nigerians
Angolans
Ghanians
Albanians,
Bosnians,
Turks,
Geordies,
Brummies,
Glaswegians and
Liverpudlians
All were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.
99% said NO, they were happy with the Giro.


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From: alibaba

Happy IVGLDSW Day!

Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please
send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not
send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking,
Damn Smart Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a
journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive
and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, totally worn out and screaming
'WOOO HOOOOO what a ride!'

To the Girls !!

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell
happened.
- Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out But I can usually shut her
up with cookies.
(Unknown)

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hair. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
- Janette Barber-

Old age ain't no place for sissies .
-Bette Davis-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts
falling apart.
- Caryn Leschen -

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible
warning.
-Catherine-

I'm not going to vacuum 'it till Sears makes one you can ride on.
- Roseanne Barr-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman - Maryon Pearson-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

Send this to five bright women you know and make their day.

When life hands you lemons, Ask for tequila and salt and call me over!!


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Ok, let have some AV entertainment now:

Firstly from: Allnutts

If My Nose Was Running Money

 Click here


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Armless Girl Gets A Pilot License    (Truly Amazing - ED)

 Click here

 Click here

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Sam The Bellhop... Great card trick!

 Click here

(Very Good! - ED)

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Weird Art Photos --> For The Select Few!

 Click here


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From: Anonymous
Ping pong Bruce Lee Style...

 Click here


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From: Burnout
How we ride in Quebec - (me thinks not for much longer)

 Click here


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Subject: Trained - (Just take a look at this poor fleabag!)

 Click here


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Risk assess this one..........

 Click here


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Victoria = Fires......... Queensland = Floods

 Click here

 Click here

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Drop Zone

 Click here


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How about this one..........?

 Click here

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The Dangerous Game

 Click here


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From: Croydon Caz (No we hadn't seen it Caz - Thanks - ED)
SAM'S STORY.

 Click here


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Just when you think you have seen it all

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

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Breaking news from Fisher Price

 Click here


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From: Diks
FOR SALE

 Click here


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From: Duke of Barsinov
When you shouldn't hyphenate your name

 Click here

 Click here

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Lost Cat

 Click here


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Go the croc    (Idiot - ED)

 Click here

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From: KRP from Coffs Harbour

Collecting the fine might be difficult;
Perhaps they know that only a goat would want to steal a Mazda 323.

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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From: Moose
How NOT to Play Dead

 Click here

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Strange!

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

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One for the single girls:

 Click here


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From: Stewart

More Phone-Camera fun!!

My friend Merlin took this photo at a local market in Boscombe, Dorset, UK.

I don't think the owner of the store has been using the brian trainer!!

 Click here


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More from: Whizzbang
New fishing boat

 Click here


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A note from your mum you wouldn't forget

 Click here


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Trooper's Car Hit by 18 Wheeler
Sometimes God Himself Takes Care of Cops.

BE SURE AND LOOK AT THE PICTURES OF HIS CAR!!

Sgt. Rich Kelly of the Indiana State Police life was spared. He was sitting
along side I-65 conducting a level III inspection when another semi-tractor
pulling a flatbed ran over the top of his police car.
Sgt. Kelly sustained a broken vertebrae and was able to exit his car and
use his cell telephone to call for help. The driver that struck him was
going too fast and locked his brakes up thus losing control. The crash is
still under investigation.
When you look at the photo you realize only by the grace of God Sgt. Kelly
life was spared. Rich and has wife have 4 young daughters. It is hard to
believe that Sgt. Kelly survived this crash. He was in the car at the time
of the crash.

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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New "Air Force One" Tail Number, I bet they change it:

 Click here


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From: Zalaga
You Won't Believe This Table Saw!!!

 Click here

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From: anonymous  (You know who you are - ED)

Rio Tinto Pilbara washaways.

 Click here

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Photo taken from the roof at Doncaster shopping centre Black Sat*rday

 Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve
Number 1 song in USA

This is the No. 1 song played all over the country. Over 8.0 million hits
on
YouTube. You will not hear it on the radio or on the news. I wonder why
!!????

 Click here


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Immigration Song

Before it gets banned

 Click here


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Time to say Goodbye:

 Click here


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Well back to some written stuff now, we seem to have a political hue this
week,
as anonymous chimes in again.

So where did free speech go!
Nice one!!

One thing about jokes from Oz is that their hearts and humour are always in
the right place!

Mr. T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Sydney, was asked on a local live
radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of the torture
of suspected terrorists.  His reply prompted his ejection from the studio,
but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:  'If hooking up a terrorist prisoner's nuts, to a car's
battery cables, will save just one Australian's life, then I have just
three things to say,' 'Red is positive, Black is negative, And make sure
his nuts are wet.'


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The financial crisis explained in simple terms

If you put in booze terms then it might be easier to understand...


Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Berlin. In order to increase sales, she
decides to allow her loyal customers -
most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later. She
keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the
customers loans). Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of
customers flood Into Heidi's bar.

Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment
constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the
most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank
recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases
Heidi's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for undue concern since he has
the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these
customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities
are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these
abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed.
Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become
top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager
(subsequently of course fired due to his negativity) of the bank decides
that slowly the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by
the drinkers at Heidi's bar. However they cannot pay back the debts. Heidi
cannot fulfil her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy. DRINKBOND and
ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %.
PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment due dates
and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation. Her
wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a
competitor. The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic
round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political
parties. The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied
on the non-drinkers.


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From your ED, Burnout:

Ole, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he
took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc? . . . I'm going on my honeymoon next week and
my fiancée, Lena, is still a virgin - in every way". The doctor told him,
"I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and  keep it
straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and
taped it all together quite an impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their
honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful untouched breasts. She said, "You're the first vun. No vun has
EVER seen deez."

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, . . .

"Look at dis, .....still in da CRATE!"


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And for those of you following the News:

Police in Lahore have just finished counting the bullets fired in the
Cricket Team shooting.....


The final result 7 for 366!

(Ever tasteful)

Enjoy you week!
See Ya!

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



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[ End friday humour ]

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