Friday humour - February 27, 2009

[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


The management received the following email from Dane during the week ...

"Dear Bluehaze People,

It was through Friday Humour that I was introduced to Bruno's Sculpture
Garden in Marysville, and in this week's issue there is another sad mention
of it.

I am hoping that someone associated with FH has some connection with
Marysville. If that is so, then I would appreciate it if my e-mail address
could be passed to that person, and for them to contact me.

I have some thoughts about a way of preserving some of what might be left
Bruno's garden, but have no idea who to contact about it.

Many thanks,   Dane"

I've found the website Click here but there is no email

contact address.

During the week I heard a short discussion about Bruno's Garden on ABC
Radio's nationally syndicated overnight program presented by Trevor Chapel
out of 774 3LO Melbourne.

If any of our readers can find an email contact for Bruno, we'll put Dane
in touch with him.  It would be great if what's left might be preserved.

The Victorian bushfires have been Australia's worst natural disaster.  Much
credit needs to be given to all those at 3LO Melbourne (and Victorian
regionals) which dropped regular programming two weeks ago and have become
the life force for those in affected areas.

In Gippsland the ABC's local antenna was put out of action by the
It's wonderful that the local community station allowed ABC Gippsland to
broadcast on its frequency during the crisis.

If ever there was a good argument for having publicly owned radio stations
... this has been it.

Well done to all at ABC Radio!


We start this week with a contribution from 4M

              An American's comment on the inauguration ...

"  I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government
underwent a peaceful transition of power this past week.

At first, I felt a pride and patriotism as I watched Barack Obama take his
oath of office.

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched George W. Bush
board Air Force One for last time. I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform
with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing president.

It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated
under Bush ...

Every one of them missed. "


Here's some stuff from Burnout

                                         The crabs

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She
took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for
the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to
rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ............... so she took them home and ate them. 

Two lessons here:

1. Men never learn.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.


                                   Preaching to Bears

A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of Miramichi Valley High School.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together at the Miramichi Hospital to
discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my
holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle
as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first Communion
and Confirmation.'

The Preacher spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs
in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he
claimed, well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle that there holy
water! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So
I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up
another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him
and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as
a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

The Priest and the Preacher both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs, and monitors
running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circ*mcision may not
have been the best place to start.'


                          LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

A primary school teacher in Killarney asked her students to use the word
'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was
good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the Blarney Stone
and I was fascinated. The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I
wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before.. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Johnny said, 'My
aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can
only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.


                                     Too much info

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, 'I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Damit,
woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always
talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

'Only when he's been drinking, Officer'.



A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing
her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so
intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back
in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded and said, "Then, your stance is too wide."


These are from Digi Steve

                     New Delhi School of Business - Lesson 1

Rajpat to his son: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

Son: "I will choose my own bride!!!"

Rajpat: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.."

Son: "Well, in that case... ok"

Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.

Rajpat: "I have a husband for your daughter...."

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!"

Rajpat: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case... ok"

Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Rajpat: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.."

President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!" Rajpat:

"But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case... ok"

And that, my friend, is how Indians do business.


                                    Wise Jewish Man

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long,
long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was,
walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45
minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she
approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from
CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to
grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f*cking brick wall."


                              Passenger on Flight 1549

This is a first-hand account from a passenger on Flight 1549. It is an
internal memo to the members of his firm. It is very well written, is
descriptive, and gives this man's honest reactions to the events around
It's from a Partner at Heidrick & Struggles, an executive recruiting firm,
who was on Flight 1549.

Gerry McNamara (New York/Charlotte) was on US Airways Flight 1549 earlier
this year. Here is his account of the event:

Thursday was a difficult day for all of us at the firm and I left the Park
Avenue office early afternoon to catch a cab bound for LaGuardia Airport. I
was scheduled for a 5pm departure, but able to secure a seat on the earlier
flight scheduled to leave at 3pm. As many of us who fly frequently often
I recall wondering if I'd just placed myself on a flight I shouldn't be on!

Just prior to boarding I finished up a conference call with my associate,
Jenn Sparks ( New York ), and our placement, the CIO of United Airlines.
When I told him that I was about to board a US Airways flight, we all had a
little fun with it.

I remember walking on the plane and seeing a fellow with grey hair in the
c*ckpit and thinking "that's a good thing... I like to see grey hair in
the c*ckpit!"

I was seated in 8F, on the starboard side window and next to a young
business man. The New York to Charlotte flight is one I've taken what
seems like hundreds of times over the years. We take off north over the
Bronx and as we climb, turn west over the Hudson River to New Jersey and
tack south. I love to fly, always have, and this flight plan gives a great
view of several
NY landmarks including Yankee Stadium and the George Washington Bridge.

I had started to point out items of interest to the gentleman next to me
when we heard a terrible crash - a sound no one ever wants to hear while
flying - and then the engines wound down to a screeching halt. 10 seconds
later, there was a strong smell of jet fuel. I knew we would be landing
and thought the pilot would take us down no doubt to Newark Airport .

As we began to turn south I noticed the pilot lining up on the river -
still - I thought - en route for Newark .

Next thing we heard was "Brace for impact!" - a phrase I had heard many
years before as an active duty Marine Officer but never before on a
commercial air flight. Everyone looked at each other in shock. It all
appened so fast we were astonished!

We began to descend rapidly and it started to sink in. This is the last
light. I'm going to die today. This is it. I recited my favorite bible
verse, the Lord's Prayer, and asked God to take care of my wife, children,
family and friends.

When I raised my head I noticed people texting their friends and family....
getting off a last message. My blackberry was turned off and in my trouser
pocket... no time to get at it. Our descent continued and I prayed for
courage to control my fear and help if able.

I quickly realized that one of two things was going to happen, neither of
them good. We could hit by the nose, flip and break up, leaving few if any
survivors, bodies, cold water, fuel. Or we could hit one of the wings and
roll and flip with the same result. I tightened my seat belt as tight as I
could possibly get it so I would remain intact.

As we came in for the landing, I looked out the windows and remember seeing
the buildings in New Jersey , the cliffs in Weehawken , and then the piers.
The water was dark green and sure to be freezing cold. The stewardesses
were yelling in unison: "Brace! Brace! Brace!"

It was a violent hit - the water flew up over my window - but we bobbed up
and were all amazed that we remained intact.

There was some panic - people jumping over seats and running towards the
doors, but we soon got everyone straightened out and calmed down.

There were a lot of people that took leadership roles in little ways. Those
sitting at the doors over the wing did a fantastic job... they were opened
in a New York second! Everyone worked together - teamed up and in groups
to figure out how to help each other.

I exited on the starboard side of the plane, 3 or 4 rows behind my seat
through a door over the wing and was, I believe, the 10th or 12th person
out. I took my seat cushion as a flotation device and once outside saw I
was the only one who did.... none of us remembered to take the yellow
inflatable life vests from under the seat.

We were standing in 6-8 inches of water and it was freezing. There were two
women on the wing, one of whom slipped off into the water. Another
passenger and I pulled her back on and had her kneel down to keep from
falling off again. By that point we were totally soaked and absolutely
frozen from the icy wind.

The ferries were the first to arrive, and although they're not made for
rescue, they did an incredible job. I know this river, having swum in it
as a boy. The Hudson is an estuary - part salt and part fresh water - and
moves with the tide. I could tell the tide was moving out because we were
tacking slowly south towards Ellis Island , The Statue of Liberty, and
The Battery.

The first ferry boat pulled its bow up to the tip of the wing, and the
first mate lowered the Jacobs ladder down to us. We got a couple people up
the ladder to safety, but the current was strong pushing the stern of the
boat into the inflatable slide and we were afraid it would puncture it...
there must have been 25 passengers in it by now. Only two or three were
able to board the first ferry before it moved away.

Another ferry came up, and we were able to get the woman that had fallen
into the water on the ladder, but she just couldn't move her legs and fell
off. Back onto the ladder she went; however, the ferry had to back away
because of the swift current. A helicopter arrived on station (nearly
blowing us all off the wing) and followed the ferry with the woman on the
ladder. We lost view of the situation but I believe the helicopter lowered
its basket to rescue her.

As more ferries arrived, we were able to get people up on the boats a few
at a time. The fellow in front of me fell off the ladder and into the
water. When we got him back on the ladder he could not move his legs to
climb. I couldn't help him from my position so I climbed up the ladder to
the ferry deck where the first mate and I hoisted the Jacobs ladder with
him on it... when he got close enough we grabbed his trouser belt and
hauled him on deck. We were all safely off the wing.

We could not stop shaking. Uncontrollable shaking. The only thing I had
with me was my blackberry, which had gotten wet and was not working. (It
started working again a few hours later).

The ferry took us to the Weehawken Terminal in NJ where I borrowed a phone
and called my wife to let her know I was okay. The second call I made was
to Jenn. I knew she would be worried about me and could communicate to the
rest of the firm that I was fine. At the terminal,
first responders assessed everyone's condition and sent people to the
hospital as needed. As we pulled out of Weehawken my history kicked in and
I recall it was the site of the famous duel between Alexander Hamilton and
Aaron Burr in 1804. Thankfully I left town in bettercondition than Mr.
Hamilton who died of a mortal wound the next day!

I stayed with my sister on Long Island that evening, then flew home the
next day.

I am struck by what was truly a miracle. Had this happened a few hours
later, it would have been pitch dark and much harder to land. Ferries
would no longer have been running after rush hour and it would not have
been the same uplifting story. Surely there would have been fatalities,
hypothermia, an absolute disaster!

I witnessed the best of humanity that day. I and everyone on that plane
survived and have been given a second chance. It struck me that in our
work we continuously seek excellence to solve our client's leadership
problems. We talk to clients all the time about the importance of
experience and the ability to execute. Experience showed up big time on
Flight 1549 as our pilot was a dedicated, trained, experienced
professional who executed flawlessly when he had to.

I have received scores of emails from across the firm and I am so grateful
for the outpouring of interest and concern. We all fly a great deal or
work with someone who does and so I wanted to share this story - the story
of a miracle. I am thankful to be here to tell the tale.

There is a great deal to be learned including: Why has this happened to me?
Why have I survived and what am I supposed to do with this gift? For me,
the answers to these questions and more will come over time, but already
I find myself being more patient and forgiving, less critical and

For now I have 4 lessons I would like to share:

1. Cherish your families as never before and go to great lengths to keep
your promises.

2. Be thankful and grateful for everything you have and don't worry about
the things you don't have.

3. Keep in shape. You never know when you'll be called upon to save your
own life, or help someone else save theirs.

4. When you fly, wear practical clothing. You never know when you'll end up
in an emergency or on an icy wing in flip flops and pajamas and of
absolutely no use to yourself or anyone else.

And I'd like to add: Fly with gray-haired pilots!


From Diks


A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco,

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle

The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking  stuff. I'm
calling my wife. She's in  here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished. 'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in

'I see,' said the clerk.

'What do you call her at home?'

'Lard ass.'


                                    Traffic Camera

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was
taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving
even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove
past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth
time with the same result.

The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at
a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving
without a fastened seat belt.


                           SARAH CROSSES PARTY LINE 

The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other
Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that. The rest of the
world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American
politicians can kiss and make-up. For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to
her great state of Alaska , the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe
Biden. She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired
three prominent experts in their field to assist them.

Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to
their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and
daughters while the hunters are a afield.

That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!  What a lady!!! 


From Kaos_reflex

                                    Windshield bug

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his  infidelity
when suddenly the woman reached over and cut the man's penis off and tossed
it out the window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 8-year-old daughter. The girl
was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the penis splattered
into their car windshield, stuck for a  moment, then disappeared  over the

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what was that?'

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything s*xual at
 such a young age, the father replied, 'It.... it was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment

'Had a big d*ck, didn't it?'


                              Rude Thought for the day

No women will ever, ever, ever be truly happy:
Cause no man will EVER have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money!


Mad Mick from Markwick sent this in


Can't believe this  -  the technology is mind-boggling !

This is a photograph of  2009 Obama Inauguration. You can see IN FOCUS the
face of EACH individual in the crowd !!!

You can scan and zoom to any section of the crowd.  .  . wait a few seconds
... and the focus adjusts to give you a very identifiable close up.

The picture was taken with a robotic 1474 megapixel camera (295 times the
standard 5 megapixel camera). Every one attending and within rifle range
Obama could be scanned after the event, should something have gone wrong
during it. Shades of the 'Big Brother' in Orwell's '1984'?!
Makes you wonder...........................!!!!!!!!!

 Click here


From Muse in Canada

                             ADVANCES IN MEDICINE

An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another,  and have him looking for
work in six weeks.'

A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one
put  it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced  that we
can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks.'

An  American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way
we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas,  put him in the White
House for eight years, and now half the planet is looking for work.'


These are from Smithie of Nottingham


Helga was hanging the washing out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up
some dry cleaning.

'Gootness, iss hot,'' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her.

She passed by a tavern and said, ''Vy nought?''

So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.

"Bartender," she said. "I vill have unt cold beer, please.''

The bartender asked, ''Anheuwser Busch?''

''Vell, fine, tanks," she said, "Just unt leetle svetty


                                       Last Hoorah

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carol, that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she
agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Darling, now I only
have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Carol agreed
and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Carol 's shoulder and said, 'Darling?
Just one more time before I die?' She agreed, and then afterwards she
rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his
head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours. He
tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Darling, I only have four
hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen, I'm not trying
to be funny, Barry, but I have to get up in the morning - You Don't......


                      Father John's Sat*rday night bath

It was time for Father John's Sat*rday night bath and the young nun, Sister
Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun
had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father
John's nakedness if she could help it, and do whatever he told her to do,
and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Sat*rday night
bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,
and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where
he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven
fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key
Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation
was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old bastard' said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!


                                       Dead Horse

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that:

"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is
to dismount".

However, UK government when dealing with Bankers employs more advanced
strategies, such as:

1. Making more oats available.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horseĀ“s
10. Appointing consultants to do a productivity study to see if lighter
riders would improve the dead horseĀ“s performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially
more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
13. Promoting the dead horse to a regulatory position.


                           A Marriage Made In Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car
accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder...  Could they possibly get married in

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married
in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered,

"Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest
up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"


This lot is from Whizzbang

                           How many zeros in a billion???

Ever wonder WHY the financial collapse was 'Engineered"? Possibly it's
later than many people think!

How many zeros in a billion???

This is too true to be funny...

The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual
manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency
did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our
government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain... let's take a look at New
Orleans ... It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu is presently asking Congress for 250
BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans ..

Interesting number... what does it mean?

Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man,
woman, and child) you each get $516,528.

Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets

Or... if you are a family of four... your family gets $2,066,012.

Imagine, now $700 billion bailing out banks in the U. S. That's enough to
fund complete medical care for every man, woman and child currently alive
in the US, for 11 years!!

50 billion to bail out the auto industry??? Washington, D. C. & Ottawa ONT

HELLO!!! Are all your calculators broken??


                                    CHEWING GUM!

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in
a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up
a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast,
and replied, 'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat
what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them,
transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the
Australian replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds
and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia .

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have s*x in the States?'

The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned
closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?'

'We throw them away, of course!'

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt
them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you
think it's called Wrigley's?'?


                                        TRUE BLUE

This morning on Remembrance Day, 90 years after the end of the " Great
I would like to share with you the story of a young Australian soldier, PTE
James (Jim) Charles Martin who fought during the First World War:

When news of the first ANZAC landings was spread across the Australian
papers the recruiting depots were swamped with eager men ready to stand
side by side with those already in action.

In country Victoria, a father arrived home and sadly announced to his
family that he had attempted to enlist in the A. I. F only to be turned
down as medically unfit. As he sat with his head in his hands he felt his
son's hand on his shoulder and heard the words: "Never mind Dad, I'll go."

His mother pleaded with Jim that he was too young. Jim said that if they
did not let him go he would join under another name.

Armed with a letter of consent from his parents young Jim Martin was the
fittest man seen by the recruiting officer on the day he enlisted in early
April, 1915.

Jim Martin was allocated to the first reinforcement of the newly formed 21
Battalion who went into extensive training at Broad meadows and Seymour
Camps in Victoria.

On embarkation day, 27 June, 1915, they went by train to the docks at Port
Melbourne and boarded the troop ship, Berrima.

As the Berrima glided silently down the still waters of Port Philip Bay,
Martin had time to reflect on his family glancing occasionally at the
streamer in his hand, the one he had caught from his mother as the ship
pulled away from the quay.

For many of the soldiers on board the fading lights of Melbourne were to be
their last sight of Australia.

The reinforcements landed in Egypt in late August and were immediately
absorbed by the Battalion.

In the shadows of the pyramids, the young soldier honed his fighting skills
as 21 BN's day of reckoning approached.

On August 29, the battalion entrained for Alexandria. Awaiting them there
was their transport - a ship named Southland.

The men of 21 BN were joined by their mates from other divisions - in all
about 1600 men.

At 9.50 am on 2 September, as the troops were mustering for the 10 am
parade, a torpedo struck just forward of the ship's bridge, tearing a hole
10 meters by 4 meters in the side of the Southland.

As there were insufficient lifeboats, many, including Jim Martin, were
forced to jump overboard. He was to spend the next four hours in the
choppy sea.

On their pickup by the attending boats, young Jim Martin was dragged on
deck but shunned attention with the cry of, "I'm all right." Of those on
casualties were relatively light - 33 in total.

So as not to miss his landing at ANZAC Cove, Jim Martin never reported sick
but his exposure to the dunking in the sea was beginning to take its toll.

Just before midnight on 8 September, 1915, 21 BN set foot on the stony
beach known as ANZAC Cove.

The next day the battalion occupied the line from Courtney's Post to Wire
Gully, a distance of around 400 meters, and young Jim Martin settled into
life in the trenches.

In a letter home on 4 October, Jim wrote, "Don't worry about me, I am doing
OK over here."

These were brave words, as the effects of the Southland incident, poor food
and the stress of Gallipoli were running rife through young Jim's body.

On 25 October, Jim Martin reported sick and was evacuated to the hospital
ship, Glenart Castle, lying off Gallipoli, where he arrived about 5pm.

He settled down to get some sleep but died suddenly of heart failure at
6.40 pm. The next day, 26 October, 1915, the body of PTE James Charles
Martin slid from the platform beneath his country's flag as his body was
buried at sea.

In a letter to Jim's mother, a member of his platoon wrote, "I am writing
to you to express our great sorrow at your late bereavement. Jim was in
the firing line with us and stuck to his post till the last. Like the
brave lad that he was, he made the greatest and noblest of sacrifices for
his country."

"Sergeant Coates speaks very highly of him and says he never had a man in
his platoon who paid more attention to his duty."

In February, 1916, Amelia Martin opened a box sent by General Headquarters.
It contained her son's personal effects - his ID disc, Bible, notebook,
letters, belt and the torn and battered streamer she threw to him on his

So why was Jim Martin so special and why does his story deserve to be told?
The fact is, Jim Martin was only 14 years of age when he died. He was our
youngest ANZAC. We remember Jim Martin, who by his example showed not only
great bravery, but also the acceptance of those principles of life we in
today's society should be striving to emulate.

1. Love of family.
2. Pride of family and nation.
3. Understanding of responsibilities.

Young Jim died being loved by his family and highly respected by those with
whom he served.

To me, Jim's story is a poignant reminder of the sacrifice made by all
Australians (including their families), during a time of war.

Jim was only one solider amongst the many that helped create the ANZAC
spirit as we now know it today and this is why it will always be embodied
in our efforts to overcome adversity, to work through problems, to test
ourselves and to come out the other side sharper, stronger and more

Thank you Jim and the Martin family for your ultimate sacrifice



                                          G B B ...

GOOD A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting
many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up
the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The
officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading
'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.

BETTER A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in the Manawatu with a Fine of $160 included. He sent
the police department a picture of $160. The police responded with another
mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a NZ Policeman walked
to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are
going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.' He replied, 'New
Policemen don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence . He then closed
his book, got back in his patrol car and left.


This weeks AV files are from Whizzbang, Zalaga, Moose, Kaos_reflex, London
Muse, 4M, Smithie of Nottingham, Allnutts, Burnout, Arfermo, and you know
who you are.

Emergency Service Imagery
 Click here Click here

Hundreds Protest Global Warming
 Click here

Mrs Hughes
 Click here

Shoulda been a superbowl commercial.....
 Click here

FLY TWA ... 50 yrs. ago
 Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

All balls really.
 Click here Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

I love Boat Shows ...
 Click here

RSPCA plea for assistance.........
 Click here

New Species
 Click here

Perfect for Monday's at the  Office.............
 Click here

Who's the Best Parent??????
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

How I lost my Marbles...........
 Click here

Blonde pole dancer = may be seen as "adult content"
 Click here Click here

Tough love versus spanking:
Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other
methods to control my kids when they have one of  'those moments.' 
 Click here

Femail drivers
 Click here

Just had to happen!!
 Click here

 Click here

What a catch!!
 Click here

This guy is crazy.....
 Click here

Damn !! she's married ..check out the ring .... on her left hand !
 Click here

Jay Leno - Cougar Barbie - 50th Anniversary (For the Rude Girlz)
 Click here

They want you... but...
 Click here

Love... oh well...
 Click here

Toilettes publique...
 Click here

TEN tips for 2009.
                          1) Do not get into trouble.
                          2)        Aim for greater heights.
                          3)        Stay focused on your job.
                          4)        Exercise to maintain good health.
                          5)        Practice Team work.
                          6)        Rely on your trusted partner to watch
your back.
                          7)        Save for rainy days.
                          8)        Rest and relax.
                          9)        Always smile when your boss is around.
                         10)        Nothing is impossible.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Savings on Dental Treatment
 Click here

The New Titanic
 Click here

Pressies for REAL men......
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Click here

ONE WORD Riddle Jeune
 Click here

Burdekin Dam Photos
 Click here Click here

Why women stay single !
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Taliban Call Girl
 Click here

Ice Fishing in Alaska
 Click here


From Zalaga

                      TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES

(Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head, I don't know what does!)

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, has an X-ray the same day
and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,
then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an X-ray, which isn't
reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a
month from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever. The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

Next time take me to a vet.


                                        The Ballerina

A woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin and
raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, and she pointed to
all the people sitting at the bar and asked,

'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end
of the bar an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and
bellowed, 'Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady
a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, 'Tell me, Murphy, it's
your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied: 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be
a ballerina!


                                         More Golf

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big
bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer
got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so
whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want
anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. 'I have to do something
for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... A great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic s*x life.'

A year goes by and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again
hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want
to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous
golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And
tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just
reach in my pocket and pull out £50.00 notes I didn't even know were

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer s*x life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,
'It's OK.'

'C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun 'I'm wanting to know if I did a
good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes
twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice
a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in
a small parish!'


                                       Handy Hints

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle
the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the
washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that
it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the
object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but
you'll also be getting paid for it.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a
bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag
from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc
'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be
made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,
and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before
starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it
may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your
feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer
Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All
he's interested in is seeing you starkers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes'eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast
wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for
the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other
in your coat pocket..

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the
offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.


These came from you know who you are ...

                              Latest CDC Warning

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
and even electronically.

This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else
via any means whatsoever -


This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come
into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both
of the antidotes:

1 - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and,
2 - Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from
your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you
do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.


                                       Big Bertha

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit
complete with pager. patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as
they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave
him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the
large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager began to
emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Get out of the way, she's backing up!!"


From The Duke of B
                                       Old Rivals

There's a Scotsman driving through Europe and an Englishman driving in the
opposite direction. In the middle of the night, with no other cars on the
road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different

The Scotsman manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages. He
looks at his twisted car and says, 'Jesus, I am really lucky to be alive!'
Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at his
He too says to himself, 'I can't believe I survived this wreck!'

The Englishman walks over to the Scotsman and says, 'You know, I think this
is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live
as friends instead of such rivals.' The Scotsman thinks for a moment and
'You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see
what else survived the wreck.'

So the Scotsman pops open his boot and finds a full unopened bottle of
Whisky. He says to the English fella, 'I think this is another sign from
God that we toast to our new found understanding and friendship'

The Englishman says, 'You're damn right!' and he grabs the bottle and
starts sucking down the Whisky. After putting away nearly half the bottle,
Englishman hands it back to the Scotsman and says, 'Your turn!'

The Scotsman twists the cap back on the bottle and says, 'Nah, I think I'll
wait for the police to show up.'


                              LULU & FREE ORANGES

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and
made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,
'Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the
prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed,

'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'

Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the
skin back and suck 'em' dry.'

The policeman fainted.


Finally some from Stumpy Steve

                                        The River

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the
next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the
river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished,
the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just
experienced the best s*x that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they
came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate
love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he
asked her to go fishing again the next day!

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they
came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the
river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,
'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up
or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought
the choices were f*ck or drown.



A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring
in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to
slip the ring on his willie while he was asleep. I don't know what's

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your willie.

3) Or finding out your willie fits through your wedding ring.


Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy
looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to
that you're from Ireland .'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary
Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And
to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what
year did you graduate'?

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can
hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can
you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters,
'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

'The Murphy twins are p*ssed again.'


Quote of the Week:

 "There will always be an inhibition to candour in important discussions
  in government because those taking part in them will be uncertain
  whether what they are going to say is going to be revealed under
  the Freedom of Information Act or not."

 -  Lord Butler
    Who led a 2004 British inquiry on government intelligence on weapons
    of mass destruction in the lead-up to the invasion of Iraq.

(The British Labour Government has been accused of a cover-up as it
  plans to veto the publication of minutes from ministerial discussions on
  the legality of the 2003 invasion of Iraq.)

Of course us plebs don't deserve to know the truth ... do we??   - Ed


[ End friday humour ]

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