Friday humour - February 20, 2009

[ from Steve @ Bluehaze ]

Although there are still fires burning, the worst seems to be over. With
over 200 dead, thousands of homes gone and many hundreds of thousands of
hectares blasted to a crisp, it is easy to see why the Victorian Fires of
2009, now becoming known as Black Saturday,
are the worst natural disaster known to Australia since white settlement,
and the second worst wild fire disaster of all time world wide, in terms
of loss of life.

A Royal Commission, the highest form of inquiry in Australia, has been
established with no limits to its terms of inquiry. This alone is
unprecedented. There will be a vast amount of information and evidence
presented and many recommendations will eventually be made. Hopefully,
this time, action will be taken and concluded arising from all the
recommendations.

Lots is being said about insufficient reduction burning, restrictive
clearing policies, poor house design, inexperienced residents,
inadequate and late warnings, unprecedented conditions, inappropriate
strategies, and insufficient resourcing. No doubt there will be fault
found in many of those areas and in others as well. Hopefully the
majority of findings will be constructive and positive instead of just
apportioning blame and fault. 

I just hope that people realise that the real and truly useful answers will
not be simple or easy. They never are. I hope the real and useful answers
will not be overshadowed by the simple and convenient explanations.

Just as a simple example, it has been said that the "Greenies" are
responsible for poor forest fuel reduction practices. It is likely that
minimal fuel reduction has played a part, but donít be fooled into
thinking that conservationists alone could ever have enough clout to force
governments to decrease fuel reduction. The complex real answer is that
minimal fuel reduction is also very much cheaper, and that the
conservationists handed governments a perfect excuse to reduce expenditure
on forest management to less than one sixth of what it was and should be.

So look for the complex real answers. Insist that our politicians do
likewise. Here's hoping we find them and act on them. The dead,
the homeless and the traumatised deserve nothing less.

I have put all the fires stuff up front this week, so you can skip over
them if you are all fired out.

Victorian fire photos
 Click here Click here Click here

Both artist and works lost in bushfires
 Click here

This weeks bounty is courtesy of Allnutts, Anatinus, Burnout, Croydon Caz,
Diks, Mark, Moose, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Stumpy
Steve, The Great Gussius, Whizzbang, Zalaga and the anonymi.

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Mule for sale?

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real
peace that he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream
of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the
head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered their
sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came
up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister
approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and
down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the
men?"

Well, Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress
was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all
asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'"

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To assist the Victorian Bush Fire Victims, a number of Australian singers
have joined forces and made a charity CD.

"Fry me kangaroo brown sport", it goes out on sale Monday!

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An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really
bad day.

Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out.

Walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster walking
towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him.

He runs out of the school. As he gets outside, he thinks again "I hate
school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school.

He runs off to his inflatable home. Two hours later, his inflatable mum is
knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police.

Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself.

Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees the
inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him.

Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster
gravely intones:

"You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've
let yourself down!!!!

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PREGNANCY Q &†A and more!

Should I have a baby after 35?†
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?†
A: With any luck, right after he finishes Uni.†

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's s*x?
A: Childbirth.†

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.†
A: What's your question?†

Q†: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour,
but pressure. Is she right?†
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.†

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?††
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.†††††

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery while my wife is in
labour?†
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.†

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?†
A: Yes, pregnancy.†

Q†: Do I have to have a baby shower?†
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q†: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?†
A: When the kids are at Uni .

'ESTROGEN ISSUES'†

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'†

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.†
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.†
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your mobile phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says: 'How's my driving - call 1800-'.†
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'†
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.†
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.†

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.†
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.†
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.†
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.†
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.†
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.†

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:†

1. OTHER WOMEN†

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A woman in a supermarket hurries to the express line with a few items and
says to operator,
"Excuse me. I'm in a hurry. Could you please check me out?"
The operator looks her up and says, "Well, a bit wide in the hips but nice
tits".

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Sitting on a London train

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping
off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After
he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would
you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my
fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."

He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and
eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a
little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he
was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman,

"Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my
fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the
window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds
for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police
smell your fingers."

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There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted
Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she
played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation
considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get
another Organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash
up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and
maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the
green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your
mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said ...

'Dew to thirc*msthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon
tewday.'

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Young girl wrote a letter to the Advice Column of a pop music magazine.

"Hi! I am 8 years old Aboriginal girl and I can not get pregnant. Do you
think that my brothers and father are gay?"

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A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right
away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented.

They were married and off they went on a honeymoon to Southport.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel,
climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed
by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened
out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he
came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd
learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After
seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel
and was hardly out of breath.

He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Birkenhead but I worked both sides
of the Mersey.'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How to stay safe in the world today:
1. Avoid riding in automobiles because they are responsible for 20% of all
fatal accidents.
2. Do not stay home because 17% of all accidents occur in the home.
3. Avoid walking on streets or footpaths because 14% of all accidents occur
to pedestrians.
4. Avoid travelling by air, rail, or water because 16% of all accidents
involve these forms of transportation.
5. Of the remaining 33%, 32% of all deaths occur in Hospitals.
So, ... above all else, avoid hospitals.

BUT, You will be pleased to learn that only .001% of all deaths occur in
worship services in church, and these are usually related to previous
physical disorders. Therefore, logic tells us that the safest place for
you to be at any given point in time is at church!

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The Navy Way.

The Chief noticed a new seaman one day... and barked at him, "Get over
here!" "What is your name?" was the first thing the Chief asked the new
guy.

"Phil," the new guy replied.

The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal
pansy stuff they're teaching Sailors in boot camp today,
but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that
leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last name
only. Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear?"

"Aye aye, Chief!"

"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling my name is Phil Darling, Chief!"

"Okay then, Phil, here's what I want you to do"

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A girl bought her boyfriend a present for his birthday.

He opened it and said. "What the hell would I want with a rocket?"

She said "You wanted space...now f*ck off!"

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Grandma Faith's Website * Boogie Down Bird
 Click here

Absolutely hilarious!!
 Click here

Women drivers - I like the one in the green car!
 Click here

Norway Mountain views
 Click here

Another heat related incident in Adelaide
 Click here

Cool garage.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Sit still ... or jump!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Design Criteria for Blond Plumbers of either Gender
 Click here

Happy Valentine's Day
 Click here

What happens when you try to tow away a woman's car
 Click here

Men Who Bought the Wrong Presents
 Click here

A Hallmark Moment ...
 Click here

Do You Have a Dirty Mind ?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Story Board
 Click here

King Tide? What King Tide?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

BNP Song
 Click here

Glacier Break-up, Spectacular!
 Click here

Panda Reserve in China
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Amazing Staircases
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Does the RAN believe this to be true?
 Click here Click here

A tug wanabee
 Click here

Something clever for a change
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Just pick one and print it off for Sat*rday!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

More motivations ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Monthly Man
 Click here

In bed with four guys!
 Click here

Sand sculptures
 Click here

Thousands attend Global Warming Protest in Cincinnati
 Click here

Greetings bwana, ahhs yo noo neighbour!
 Click here

Is Monica Lewinsky back?
 Click here

Surprise!!
 Click here

Don't Complain About Your Job.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

G-string is out of fashion, now itís the C-string!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Spewing.
 Click here

African Wonder Bra
 Click here Click here

Guess they found the blockage! [CAUTION!]
 Click here

Check out this New Bike!!
 Click here Click here Click here
A young inventor has created a motorbike with a twist -- it uses two wheels
but they are positioned right next to each other, giving it the illusion of
being a powered unicycle. And even better, it might help save the planet.
Ben Gulak has spent several years building the electric Uno that uses
gyroscopic technology -- like the infamous Segway commuter device -- to
stay upright.
The bizarre-looking contraption has only one switch -- on or off -- and is
controlled entirely by body movement. The rider leans forwards to
accelerate to speeds of 25 mph and back to slow down. It has two wheels
side-by-side and has been turning heads wherever it has been ridden.

Baby hedgehog
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Are we going home early?
 Click here

Ads from the 30's!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Merrill Lynch - anything but funny.
 Click here

More hot Koala Bears - absolutely adorable
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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