Friday humour - February 13, 2009

[ from Smithie @ Bluehaze ]

Because it is the middle of winter here in the UK we cannot imagine what it
is like to have record temperatures, and rampant bushfires, but what is
happening in your area is an epic disaster by any standards.  To see so
many miles of utter devastation is unimaginable, not to mention the
suffering caused to wildlife, human injury and deaths, loss of property
and businesses. Even the picturesque little tourist town of Marysville
being wiped off the map.  It could once have been described as grand
old-growth forests, waterfalls, ski resorts, trout filled rivers and
winding roads. It was a wonderful green world of serenity. But the
greatest tragedy in the current bushfires must be the massive loss of
life.  It seems that many people who thought they were organised with a
plan were simply caught up in a ball of fire arriving almost without

I enquired from a friend how things were, and knowing there had been severe
drought I was asking where all the water was coming from to douse the
flames, and I quote from the reply ...

All the people here have been terrific, donating lots of money and blood.
There is a 2 week waiting list to donate blood now - which is unheard of

It's true that we've been in a drought for many years but the fire trucks,
thankfully, still have access to water. The main dams feeding Melbourne
still have 30% water in them. One of our best assets for fighting
brushfires is a helicopter names Elvis.

He works by flying near the fire front and going to any available dam he
might see on someone's property and sucking up water which he then drops
on the fire front. A friend of a friend, had her dam emptied as Elvis did
10 trips to suck out the water and empty it over the fires and although
everyone is very protective of their water, you'd never hesitate if Elvis
wanted some.

It would seem to me that there is what we here would call a Dunkirk spirit
happening there, that famous wartime spirit where folks pulled together.
Your fire crews must be working into total exhaustion, some of them and the
Police will be traumatised by what is happening, and what they have seen,
we must spare a thought for them too, because they will be affected by
what they have witnessed for years to come. Each time I see the news it
gets worse, more deaths, more damage and suffering. Speaking personally as
a Brit, Australia has a special place in our hearts, because many of you or
your ancestors originally came from Blighty, and in two world wars your
bravery did not let England down. Well now is the time for brave people to
try and make sense of recent events, and help each other to deal with the
victims, the traumatised, and the eventual rebuild. There will be a time
for mourning, a time for anger, and a time for healing, after an event of
this magnitude things will never seem the same again, but we all have to
believe there is a future.

Our thoughts are with you.

This sort of sums it up [webmaster]
 Click here

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have s*x with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having s*xual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers. The s*x organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having s*x for
the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world
that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner

(Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England  - but only in tropical
fish stores.

(But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have s*x with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have s*x with a woman
and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, USA it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only
'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the

(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight
and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(Did our government pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I
will be in Guam!!


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise
for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible
bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was
excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move
caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed
remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably
as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice,"thank the Lord, Tom is out of
the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should
recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if
anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."


Golf Poem

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By It's Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My E yes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs  and losers of  balls....

A recent study found the average golfer  walks about 900 miles a  year.

Another study found golfers drink, on  average, 22 gallons of alcohol a
year .

That means, on average, golfers get about  41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid car.


Lectern Lilaceous Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet
known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant
88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would
normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element
that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as
many peons but twice as many morons.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate
that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical



It tells you how many hours and how many seconds you have been alive on
this earth and when you were probably conceived. How cool is that?

This is cool. After you've finished reading the info, click again, and see
what the moon looked like the night you were born. You can also see what
your name says about you.

This is neat. Who says our time clocks aren't ticking....

 Click here



"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a
very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
"Q: What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
"A: It is money that the federal government will send to Taxpayers.
"Q: Where will the government get this money?
"A: From taxpayers.
"Q: So the government is giving me back my own money?
"A: Only a smidgen.
"Q: What is the purpose of this payment?
"A: The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition
TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
"Q: But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
"A: Shut-up."

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Economy by spending
your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at K-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India or Taiwan.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to South East Asia or New
Zealand (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you by clothing or shoes it will go to China, Indonesia, Bangladesh,
Philippines, Thailand or India.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to China or Taiwan.
And none of it will help the economy.
We need to keep that money here. You can keep the money here by spending it
at garage sales, going to a football game, or spending it on prostitutes,
beer or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still here.

 From: Croydon Caz

You got a heat wave?  We got this!! It brought London to a garden film of the day it snowed LOADS!

 Click here

See My Films on You Tube!

 Click here


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and
started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man
kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?
Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with
your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever
seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's
first husband."


Nigella Lawson vs. Real women

1. Nigella's Way

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent
ice-cream drips .

The Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Goodness sake.
You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

2. Nigella's Way

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

3. Nigella's Way

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the

The Real Woman's Way
Tesco sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

4. Nigella's Way

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
potato slice.

The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's tough!. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and
you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'

5. Nigella's Way

Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks

The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?

6. Nigella's Way

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of
vodka : Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but you won't

7. Nigella's Way

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Woman's Way
Why do I have a man?

8. Nigella's Way

Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles

The Real Woman's Way
Left over wine???? Helllloooo


A  big mining company recently hired several cannibals.  'You are  all 
part of our team now',
said the HR manager during the  welcoming briefing.
'You get all the usual benefits and you can go to  the cafeteria for
something to eat, but please don't eat any of the  other employees'.

The cannibals promised they would  not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, 'You're all working very  hard, and
I'm satisfied with you.
However, one of our Admin girls  has disappeared.  Do any of you know what
happened to  her?'

The cannibals all shook their heads indicating

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to  theothers,
'Which one of you idiots ate the
Admin chick?'

A  hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibalscontinued,
'You  fool!!!!!  For four weeks we've been eating Managers  and
Supervisors  and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and
eat some one who actually works!!!!'



Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he
comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale 'sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 Years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and
asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is
outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And
in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge
stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner
progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes
off, throws her on the table, and screws her rightthere, in front of her
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,
And her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the
mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which
way right there on the dinner table.
Now his  girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of
Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right,
that's enough, I'll do the f***ing dishes!'


 A German's view of Islam - Interesting

This is by far the best explanation of the Muslim terrorist situation I
have ever read. His references to past history are accurate and clear. Not
easy to understand, and well worth the read.

The author of this email is said to be Dr. Emanuel Tanay, a well known and
well respected psychiatrist.

A man, whose family was German aristocracy prior to World War II, owned a
number of large industries and estates. When asked how many German people
were true Nazis, the answer he gave can guide our attitude toward
fanaticism. "Very few people were true Nazis," he said, "but many enjoyed
the return of German pride, and many more were too busy to care. I was one
of those who just thought the Nazis were a bunch of fools.

So, the majority just sat back and let it all happen. Then, before we knew
it, they owned us, and we had lost control, and the end of the world had
come. My family lost everything.
I ended up in a concentration camp and the Allies destroyed my factories."

We are told again and again by "experts" and "talking heads" that Islam is
the religion of peace, and that the vast majority of Muslims just want to
live in peace. Although this unqualified assertion may be true, it is
entirely irrelevant. It is meaningless fluff, meant to make us feel
and meant to somehow diminish the spectra of fanatics rampaging across the
globe in the name of Islam.

The fact is that the fanatics rule Islam at this moment in history.
It is the fanatics who march.
It is the fanatics who wage any one of 50 shooting wars worldwide.
It is the fanatics who systematically slaughter Christian or tribal groups
throughout Africa and are gradually taking over the entire continent in an
Islamic wave.
It is the fanatics who bomb, behead, murder, or honor- kill.

It is the fanatics who take over mosque after mosque.
It is the fanatics who zealously spread the stoning and hanging of rape
victims and homos*xuals.
It is the fanatics who teach their young to kill and to become suicide

The hard quantifiable fact is that the peaceful majority, the "silent
majority," is cowed and extraneous.

Communist Russia was comprised of Russians who just wanted to live in
yet the Russian Communists were responsible for the murder of about 20
million people. The peaceful majority were irrelevant.

China 's huge population was peaceful as well, but Chinese Communists
managed to kill a staggering 70 million people.

The average Japanese individual prior to World War II was not a
warmongering sadist. Yet, Japan murdered and slaughtered its way across
South East Asia in an orgy of killing that included the systematic murder
of 12 million
Chinese civilians; most killed by sword, shovel, and bayonet.

And, who can forget Rwanda , which collapsed into butchery. Could it not be
said that the majority of Rwandans were "peace loving"?

History lessons are often incredibly simple and blunt, yet for all our
posers of reason we often miss the most basic and uncomplicated of points:
Peace-loving Muslims have been made irrelevant by their silence.

Peace-loving Muslims will become our enemy if they don't speak up,because
like my friend from Germany , they will awaken one day and find that the
fanatics own them, and the end of their world will have begun.

Peace-loving Germans, Japanese, Chinese, Russians, Rwandans, Serbs,
Iraqis, Palestinians, Somalis, Nigerians, Algerians, and many others have
died because the peaceful majority did not speak up until it was too late.

As for us who watch it all unfold, we must pay attention to the only group
that counts; the fanatics who threaten our way of life.

Lastly, anyone who doubts that the issue is serious and just deletes this
email without sending it on, is contributing to the passiveness that
allows the problems to expand.

So, extend yourself a bit and send this on and on and on!

Let us hope that thousands, world wide, read this and think about it, and
send it on - before it's too late.

Emanuel Tanay, M.D.



Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'


I was in Tesco and saw a guy off Crimewatch who is wanted for several
I tackled him to the ground and punched him unconscious. The police arrived
and arrested me.

      Apparently they use actors on the show.


First-year students at the U.C. Davis Vet School were receiving their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet.  The professor started the class by telling them: "In
Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal
body.  For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in
his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and
sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said:
"The second most important quality is observation.  I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger.  Now learn to pay attention.  Life's
tough.  It's even tougher if you're stupid."


 From: Burnout

 Click here


From: Burnout
 Click here

Got this new T-Shirt - Whadyareckon?


 From: Burnout
 Some one Loves you!
 Click here


 From: Burnout
+++ Subject: TAKING THE DOG FOR A WALK - Alice Springs Style

 Click here


From: Cartographer Chris
The PRICE OFFER of the decade

 Click here

Get me one while you are there.
 be quick this offer won't  last long


 From: Diks

 Click here orthopedic bed for men!!!
Available at Boob, Butt and Beyond!


From: Diks
 Sixburgh Pic
 Click here


From: Diks
Ground Hog Day in Pittsburgh
 Click here


From: Moose
Hold on

 Click here

Hooo Doggie! Hold On!

A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck
down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tail gate for dear
She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other
direction, she would have tried to stop him.
A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the Bass Pro Shop in
Daphne, Alabama !

The pick-up truck driver is a local taxidermist with a great sense of
Can you imagine how many people try and stop this guy...?????


 From: Moose
 Lucky Truckie.........Now this guy is an idiot!!

 Click here


  German Restaurant

 Click here


 From: Stumpy Steve
Who wants a moggie

 Click here
+++ Content:

I must be sick . . this really made me larf


 From: Whizzbang
 Amazing Norwegian "Preikestolen" pictures

 Click here


 From: Whizzbang
 Speeding then spots a radar gun....

 Click here


 From: Whizzbang - Gold!!!

 Click here


From: Whizzbang
Police Shooting - Watch video first, then read the description

 Click here

When you watch the video again, you can see that the policeman who makes
the demand of the suspect cannot actually see everything that's going on.

The Policeman behind the suspect CAN see what's going on - he can see the
crook putting the rifle down and removing a hand-gun from the back of his
trousers, so he can shoot the unsuspecting policeman at front.

The "Old spare cop around the corner trick" eh?
 Watch it again and you'll see.


From: Whizzbang
 Flood Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


 From: Whizzbang
The biggest looser - it's hard to recognise him!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


 From: Whizzbang
 This will get your tastebuds rockin'
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Too many WTF's...!
 #3 - seriously.  WTF is that.
... and it appears that ANYTHING is canned around the world.


 From: Whizzbang

 Click here


From: anonymous

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

In Victoria the temperature has been above 44 degrees all week and they are
forecasting another week of 40+ temperatures.  Power is failing, trains
have stopped running because tracks are buckling under the heat .  It's
just scorching.

Clearly the people are not the only ones suffering.

Check out these photos of a little Koala which just walked  onto a back
porch looking for a bit of heat relief. The woman filled up a bucket for
it, and this is what happened!


Okay so only a couple of people know me as Spliff.
So I decided to send you a photo of me @ 6 months so everyone knows where I
got my nickname.

 Click here

Don't laugh; it could have been you!


 The innocent days of comic books ...

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


[ End friday humour ]

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