Friday humour - February 06, 2009

From Burnout at Bluehaze.

It's a huge week - with masses of contributions from all the BlueHaze
regulars.

So it's on with the fun!

These are from you ED this week:

Fifty-two things you would love to say out loud at work .....

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.† †
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce†
†
3. How about never? Is never good for you?† †
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
†
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
way.† †
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
†
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.† †
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.† †
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
†
10. Ahhhh. I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again.† †
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
†
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.† †
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.
†
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
†
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
†
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.
†
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
†
18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
†
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!
†
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
†
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
†
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
†
23. And your cry-baby whiny-ar*ed opinion would be?
†
24. Do I look like a f*cking people person to you?
†
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
†
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
†
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.† †
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
†
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
†
30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.† †
31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
†
32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.
†
33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........?
†
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
†
35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?
†
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
†
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
†
38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.
†
39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.
†
40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
†
41. Aren't you a black hole of need.
†
42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
†
43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
†
44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.
†
45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over
your mouth.
†
46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?
†
47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.
†
48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.
†
49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.
†
50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.
†
51. Don't believe everything you think.
†
52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.†

---------------------


Sat*rday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage .
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 kph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on
the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ...
                           _________________________

The Lady Reporter: 'Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on
the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this
disease?'
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: 'Do you know that a bull mounts
a cow only once a year?'
Reporter (obviously embarrassed): 'Well, sir, that's a new piece of
information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow
Disease?'
Farmer: 'And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?'
Reporter: 'Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting
to the point?'
Farmer: 'I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing
with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you
get mad?'

                   -----------------------

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie are comparing notes over drink....

The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend
... I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats a 6
inches above a da bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nosing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze
lurve with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down er body and zen ah lick
er soles of er feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed
in pure ecstasy".

The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing.
When Oi've finished shaggin' me missus, I get out of bed,
walk over to the window and wipe me d*ck on the curtains.
And MATE ..... She hits the fu*@king roof !

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From: canoein

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day
John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked
John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,'
said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off
his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to
my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you
ever ask for that one!

You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out
of her chair.

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From: Anonymous

Husband - wife math

  A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the
dining room table:

  'To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs
that you, being
  54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife.

  Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly
interpret the fact that
  I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the
Comfort Inn Hotel.

  Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight.'

  When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:

  'My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54
  years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
are also 54 years old.

  As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to
inform you that while
  you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the
  assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is
18 years old.

  As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you
will understand
  that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference...
...18 goes into 54 a lot
  more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until
sometime tomorrow.'

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Once a Marine...Always a Marine

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE,
and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that
same negligee the night we were married"

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?"

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life
out of those b**bs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty
years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say
tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said; "Mission Accomplished."

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From: Diks
"Nair" for your what?

My 80 year old neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it
to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He
cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to
tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go
to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears
once a month.


The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.


At the register the druggist tells her. "If you're going to use this under
your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not
using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your
legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it
on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The
druggist says:
"Stay off your bicycle for a week."


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One day God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have some Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill?††††We're not interested.'

So He went to the blacks and said, 'I have some
Commandments.'

The blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father?††We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have some Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not
steal.'

'Not steal?†† We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have some commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Not commit adultery?†† We're not interested.'


Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have some Commandments.'

They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

†'We'll take 10.'

There, that should offend just about everybody.

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From: Duke of Barsinov

Evolution of British Maths Teaching
Past, present and future
1. Teaching Maths In 1970, A logger sells a truckload of timber for
£100.His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980, A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990 A logger sells a truckload of timber for
¬£100.His cost of production is £80.Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.His
cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20 Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.5.

Teaching Maths In 2009 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is
selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or
the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
£20.What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers. )


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From: Kaos_reflex
He said & she said:

He said†. . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She†said.†. . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said† . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart!

He said. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She†said. .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror

He said..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She†said to him . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She†said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
Good- looking?
She†said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
She†said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
night?
He said. . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are†married†women heavier than†single†women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go
to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


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Underage girl:

Been having this online conversation with a 14 year old chick.† †
She's cool, s*xy, flirty and very funny.
†
She now tells me she's an undercover cop!!
†
How cool is that at her age?


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Fridays' in hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. †As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.
†
Satan: †'Why so glum?'
Guy: †'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
Satan: †'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. †You a
drinking man?'
Guy: †'Sure, I love to drink.'
Satan: †'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. †On Mondays, that's all we
do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. †We drink 'til we
throw up and then we drink some more! †And you don't have to worry about
getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: †'Gee that sounds great!'
Satan: †'You a smoker?'
Guy: †'You better believe it'
Satan: †'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. †We get the finest cigars
from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. †If you get cancer - no
biggie, you're already dead, remember?'
Guy: †'Wow ... that's awesome!'
Satan: †'I bet you like to gamble.'
Guy: †'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
Satan: †'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. †Craps,
blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. †If you go bankrupt, it
doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'
Guy: †'Cool!'
Satan: †'What about drugs?'
Guy: †'Are you kidding? †Love drugs! †You don't mean ...?'
Satan: †'That's right! †Thursday is drug day. †Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack or smack.
Smoke a 'doobie' the size of a submarine. †You can do all the drugs you
want. You're dead so who cares.'
Guy: †'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
Satan: †'You gay?'
Guy: †'No....'
Satan: †'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough ...


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Sex with an older man

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.

Oprah asked '' Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? †You
are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.''

Mr. Burns said ''I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I
do it.''

Oprah said, ''I understand you still do the s*x thing, even at your age.''

George said, 'Of course I still do the s*x thing, and I'm quite good at
it.'

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man....would you do it with
me?'

So they had s*x and when they finished Oprah said,
''I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable
man.''

George said, ''The second time is even better than the first time.''

Oprah said, ''You can really do it again at your age?''

 † George said, ''Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in
your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty
minutes.''

When she woke him up, they again had great s*x, and Oprah was beside
herself with joy.

She said, ''Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat
performance and have it be better than the first time... At your age, Oh
My,
Oh My!!!'

George said,  "the third time would be even better.

''You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right
hand and call me in thirty minutes.''

Oprah said, ''Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your
batteries?'

George said  ''No, but the last time I had s*x with a black chick she
stole my wallet!


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From Moose

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco
Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park: * The
Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a
Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon,
a hot dog, popcorn, all the
Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!


What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed
exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly
asked
'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total
realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing tw@t !!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening,
he's still gonna get it wrong.....

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From: Nottingham Smithie
+++ Subject: pardon me boy, is that the Chattanooga chew chew? I love it
when they find a natural method.

Summer is settling onto Missionary Ridge overlooking this southeast
Tennessee city.
Swallows glide on the warm breeze rustling the hackberry trees, kudzu vines
sprout along the hillside and the goats are back at work. Chattanooga's
goats have become unofficial city mascots since the Public Works
Department decided last year to let them roam a city-owned section of the
ridge to nibble the kudzu, the fast-growing vine that throttles the
Southern landscape.

The Missionary Ridge goats and the project's tragicomic turns have created
headlines, inspired a folk ballad and invoked more than their share of
goat-themed chuckles.Usually, in dealing with this, you've got to get
people past the laugh factor, said Jerry Jeansonne, a city forestry
inspector and the program's self-described goat dude. Despite the humorous
overtones to the city's methods, the program represents an environmentally
friendly effort to grapple with a real problem in Chattanooga and the
South.

Kudzu, which is native to Asia, was introduced in the United States in 1876
at the Philadelphia Centennial Exposition, according to the United States
Forest Service.  It arrived in the South several years later, becoming a
popular ornamental vine, then a forage and erosion-control crop.  In the
Great Depression, the federal government paid farmers to plant it.

First called "the miracle vine, kudzu eventually came to be known as "the
vine that ate the South. It grows at an astonishing rate of a foot a day,
smothering flora, swallowing houses and blanketing the landscape.Now
embedded in the South, as well as in parts of Oklahoma, Texas and some
Northern states, kudzu can be found on at least a million acres of federal
forest land, and probably millions more acres of private land, said James
H.
Miller, a research ecologist for the Forest Service.

While not the worst invasive plant species, kudzu is probably the most
recognized invasive plant in the world, Mr.  Miller said.

On Missionary Ridge, which bisects Chattanooga and where homes command
stunning views of the valley below, the battle with kudzu is constant.  Of
particular worry for the city were vines that draped over the mouth of the
McCallie Tunnel, which cuts through the ridge.

Enter the goats.  Mr. Jeansonne, after reading an article on the subject,
persuaded city officials to hire a local farmer to graze his herd over the
tunnel.  When the farmer released the herd last fall, the experiment took
some unexpected turns. Pranksters put up goats working signs. City
officials took them down, with some stern words.

Guard donkeys accompanying the herd earned more guffaws and proved
ineffective when dogs attacked, killing two goats and mauling a third. 
This year, llamas replaced the donkeys.

There have been the logistical problems of goat-proof fences, gawkers and
the live electric wire.  Mr.  Jeansonne himself roped an escapee and
hauled it back to the pen.

But the headaches have been worth it, he said.  Walking a fence line, he
held one hand high to show the height of the kudzu before the herd was
released. The vines are gone now from the tunnel and the hillside above,
some areas newly planted with grass.

It was kudzu up to an elephant's eye, Mr. Jeansonne said.

The drama of the goats inspired the songwriter Randy Mitchell to write "Ode
to Billy Goats. A disc jockey for a local country radio station said the
song, which ends with a chorus of bleating, was requested daily for weeks
last fall.

I couldn't resist it, Mr.  Mitchell said. It was just screaming to have a
song written about it. The city plans to use goats to clear the tunnel's
east entrance, and recently, officials sponsored a four-day academy for
farmers, hoping to stimulate a micro-industry of kudzu-fighting
herds-for-hire.

Chattanooga is not the only city to seek a four-legged alternative to
herbicides.  For several years, Tallahassee, Fla., fought kudzu with
sheep.
Spartanburg, S.C., tried using goats, but stopped after they were stolen.

Ray W.  Burden Jr., county extension director for the Institute of
Agriculture at the University of Tennessee, said animal control of kudzu
was not guaranteed to work but had succeeded on Missionary Ridge.

"Safety just will not let you get in on some of these slopes with equipment
or even people trying to clear it by hand, Mr.  Burden said.  "And that's
where the goats come in. Tina Price, who has lived next to the city land
for nearly 25 years, said she used to hack a path through the kudzu as she
left her house in the morning.  Vines would envelop the porch and curl up
to the roof.

Ms. Price and her husband arranged to let the goats graze their property as
well. I love this area, and it's just always been a problem, everywhere
I've ever been, Ms.  Price said. I guess somebody got their head together
and decided what to do. It's working beautifully.


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Two Nuns.

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

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Cogent political thoughts of a black lady...

Anne Wortham is Associate Professor of Sociology at Illinois State
University and continuing Visiting Scholar at Stanford University 's Hoover
Institution.  She is a member of the American Sociological Association and
the American Philosophical Association.  She has been a John M.Olin
Foundation Faculty Fellow, and honored as a Distinguished Alumni of the
Year by the National Association for Equal Opportunity in Higher
Education.

In fall 1988 she was one of a select group of intellectuals who were
featured in Bill Moyer's television series, "A World of Ideas." The
transcript of her conversation with Moyers has been published in his book,
A
World of Ideas. Dr.Wortham is author of The Other Side of Racism: A
Philosophical Study of Black Race Consciousness which analyzes how race
consciousness is transformed into political strategies and policy issues.
She has published numerous articles on the implications of individual
rights for civil rights policy, and is currently writing a book on
theories of social and cultural marginality. Recently, she has published
articles on the significance of multiculturalism and Afro-centricism in
education, the politics of victimization and the social and political
impact of political correctness. Shortly after an interview in 2004, she
was awarded tenure.


NO, HE CAN'T
by Anne Wortham
November 6, 2008

Fellow Americans, Please know: I am black; I grew up in the segregated
South. I did not vote for Barack Obama; I wrote in Ron Paul's name as my
choice for president.  Most importantly, I am not race conscious. I do not
require a black president to know that I am a person of worth, and that
life is worth living.  I do not require a black president to love the
ideal of
America .

I cannot join you in your celebration.  I feel no elation. There is no
smile on my face.  I am not jumping with joy.  There are no tears of
triumph in my eyes. For such emotions and behavior to come from me, I
would have to deny all that I know about the requirements of human
flourishing and survival -
all that I know about the history of the United States of America, all that
I know about American race relations, and all that I know about Barack
Obama as a politician.  I would have to deny the nature of the "change"
that Obama asserts has come to America .

Most importantly, I would have to abnegate my certain understanding that
you have chosen to sprint down the road to serfdom that we have been on
for over a century. I would have to pretend that individual liberty has no
value for the success of a human life. I would have to evade your rejection
of the slender reed of capitalism on which your success and mine depend.

I would have to think it somehow rational that 94 percent of the 12 million
blacks in this country voted for a man because he looks like them (that
blacks are permitted to play the race card), and that they were joined by
self-declared "progressive" whites who voted for him because he doesn't
look like them.

I would have to wipe my mind clean of all that I know about the kind of
people who have advised and taught Barack Obama and will fill posts in his
administration - political intellectuals like my former colleagues at the
Harvard University's Kennedy School of Government.

I would have to believe that "fairness" is the equivalent of justice.  I
would have to believe that man who asks me to "go forward in a new spirit
of service, in a new service of sacrifice" is speaking in my interest.  I
would have to accept the premise of a man that economic prosperity comes
from the
"bottom up," and who arrogantly believes that he can will it into existence
by the use of government force. I would have to admire a man who thinks the
standard of living of the masses can be improved by destroying the most
productive and the generators of wealth.

Finally, Americans, I would have to erase from my consciousness the scene
of 125,000 screaming, crying, cheering people in Grant Park, Chicago
irrationally chanting "Yes We Can!" Finally, I would have to wipe all
memory of all the times I have heard politicians, pundits, journalists,
editorialists, bloggers and intellectuals declare that capitalism is dead -
and no one, including especially Alan Greenspan, objected to their
assumption that the particular version of the anti-capitalistic mentality
that they want to replace with their own version of anti-capitalism is
anything remotely equivalent to capitalism.

So you have made history, Americans.  You and your children have elected a
black man to the office of the president of the United States , the
wounded giant of the world.  The battle between John Wayne and Jane Fonda
is over -
and that Fonda won.  Eugene McCarthy and George McGovern must be very happy
men.  Jimmie Carter, too.  And the Kennedys have at last gotten their
Kennedy look-a-like.  The self-righteous welfare statists in the suburbs
can feel warm moments of satisfaction for having elected a black person. 
So,
toast yourselves: 60s countercultural radicals, 80s yuppies and 90s
bourgeois bohemians. Toast yourselves, Black America . Shout your glee
Harvard, Princeton , Yale, Duke, Stanford, and Berkeley. You have elected
not an individual who is qualified to be president, but a black man who,
like the pragmatist Franklin Roosevelt, promises to - Do Something!  You
now have someone who has picked up the baton of Lyndon Johnson's Great
Society.
But you have also foolishly traded your freedom and mine - what little
there is left - for the chance to feel good.  There is nothing in me that
can share your happy obliviousness.


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This one has been doing the rounds for years - I posting it up again
because its just so funny; much like the reason we have lawyers, because
there are some things rats wont do - ED

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you s*xually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law some where.


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From: Whizzbang

FUNNY AS!!!!!!

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day,
the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them
line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by!!!

Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.


'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,
'Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the
prostitutes.
When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going
at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'

Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear, I just take my dentures out, rip the
skin back and suck 'em' dry.'

The policeman fainted.

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Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.

Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one
through.
Here's the riddle:

At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of
the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th
floor. The other is getting a bl*w job from an 85-year-old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?


-


-


-


-


-


-

Don 't look down.
Don 't look down.
Don 't look down!!!!


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The best 'Little Johnny' in a while... You can't beat a Johnny....

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday
afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them
thinking.

'Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to
tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off' said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase 'To be or not to be, That is the
question,' asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.
'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.
'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to
study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard,' said
Little Pham Lam
Nguyen.
'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, 'I had a dream!
' Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out 'I bereiva it was Martin
Ruther King!'
'Well done!' said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off' 'No thanka you
miss. I am of
Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is
evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too,' said
little Fri Sum Kat. 'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, 'F#^*ing  Asians!'
'Who said that?' yelled the teacher in an angry tone..
'Pauline Hanson!' yelled little Johnny. 'See ya Tuesday!!!!


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A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal,
whips out his twelve inch d*ck and says with a sigh of relief,
"Phew, just made it."

The guy next to him looks over and says, "No Shit, can you make me one too,
but in white??"

                 ----------------

COLD WATER

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water
to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of Saskatchewan .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, The next morning
John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned
his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish
your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the
plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked
like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get
them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was
leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him
pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on
TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me?"

Have a fabulous STRESS FREE day!


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Now lets have some visual variation:

From: Allnutts
Subject: Socotra

 Click here

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One in million photo!


When the lightning flashes, this is NOT what you want to see.

THIS IS A PICTURE THAT SOMEONE TOOK WHO WORKS ON AN OIL RIG.

HE WAS GOING TO TAKE A PICTURE OF THE LIGHTNING AND WAS

UNAWARE OF THE TORNADO UNTIL THE LIGHTNING ILLUMINATED IT.

This is a one-in-a-million photo.............

 Click here

Taken Thursday night, November 27, 2008.
Lariat Sandridge Energy
South of Ft Stockton , TX


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Nativity revisited by Desmond Tutu

 Click here


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This is soooo cute: Smarty Pants Dance

 Click here


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ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA   Some excellent Photographs - ED

 Click here


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Blonde Joke of the Week

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner
thigh.
Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo, and in that location.

She responds,
'It's really cool. If you put your left ear up against it,
you can smell the ocean.'

 Click here


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Today in Melbourne

 Click here


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From: Burnout
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL  EMPLOYEES!

ē ††Workloads getting to you?
ē ††Feeling stressed? † ē ††Too many priorities and assignments?

All personnel will now be required to look†happy in†2009 while working. †

Company approved†supplies will be provided to each employee at little or no
cost. †

Here is the new low cost, company†approved solution to cope with multiple
priorities and assignments! †


Each†employee will be supplied 2 paper clips and rubber bands. (See Fig†1)
 Click here

Assemble items as†shown in Fig 2. †
 Click here


Apply as shown in Fig 3. †
 Click here

Enjoy your day.

This new office†equipment will help you to reach the end of a productive
work day†with a smile†on your face!

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Remarkable.......

 Click here

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Cant take her anywhere! (XXXX)

 Click here

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Queeeeensssssslanderrrrrr!

 Click here

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From: Diks
A few things to think of in your golf swing in 1.5 seconds..........

 Click here

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Primanti Brothers A Pittsburgh Tradition

Primanti Brothers latest sandwich creation.

 Click here

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Good bye golf! (XX)

SORRY!

 Click here

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Little Known Facts About Earth

 Click here

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Madoff

 Click here

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From: Kaos_reflex
Best thoughts on retirement      (Excellent - ED)

 Click here

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Are you up to "Digital TV Conversion?"

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Three Stages Of A Man's Life


SINGLE†
 Click here

MARRIED†
 Click here

DIVORCED
 Click here

ANY QUESTIONS?

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From: Moose
Rough seas...

 Click here

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I know we're having a heatwave, but.....

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

You know it's hot when event the native fauna is HOT !!

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Two idiots (ouch)...

 Click here

 Click here

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Brains ... Men vs Women

 Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve
Credit Crunch

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Looking for a new forklift operator!!!!!

 Click here


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The triangle.

 Click here

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What does your sign really say about you?

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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humour
 Click here

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Vermin on the Roof

 Click here

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Top Gear (Clarkson) Trap Shooting

 Click here

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From: Anonymous
Lululemon's window display

Needless
to say - this has been generating a lot of interest...so far all positive!!
They are keeping it up for a few days...

 Click here


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From Moose


Extremely touching and thought provoking!!

I found this beautiful Aussie Summer poem and thought it might be a comfort
to you.   It was to me and it's very well written; I  hope  you enjoy it
because it's the best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a
while....


'An Aussie Summer  '
a poem by  Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre


Fuck, it's HOT!


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From: KRP from Coffs Harbour

Suggestions for Windows error messages in calming haiku form;


The Web site you seek
Cannot be located.
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
your expensive computer to a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred?

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
but we never will.

Having been erased,
the doc*ment you're seeking must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen, mind, both are blank.


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From: Cartographer Chris
A little bit of Irish wit

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said,
"Lord, take pity on me!   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.  Paddy looked up again and said,
"Never mind, I found one."

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O' Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"

O' Toole replied, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O 'Toole retorted, "Oh, when I die, yes!  I thought you were gettin' a
group together to go right now."

Paddy was in New York .  He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic
cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
shouted, "Okay, pedestrians."  Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.  He'd
done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.  After the
cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time,
Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the
Catholics across?"

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend,
Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney.  "Where are ye callin' from?"

A Boston Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut .  The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car.

He says, "Father, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper asks, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "and how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch!  What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you coward."

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy.  He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.  He
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs
bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.  As he caught himself by grabbing
the balustrade, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. 
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially
painful.  Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up,
pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt
cheeks were cut and bleeding.  He managed to quietly find a full box of
Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place that
he saw blood. Then Flynn hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled
and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing
pain in both his head and butt and with Mary staring at him from across
the room.

She remarked, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing, Mary?"

"Well," Mary replied, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!"

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Funny......yet sad...53 years ago..

Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 53 years ago!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going
to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before
$2, 000.00 will only buy a used one.

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. 25 cents a pack
is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 10 cents just to
mail a letter.

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00/HR, nobody will be able to hire
outside help at the store.

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday
cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the
garage.

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let
Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every
new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a
man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows
they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000
a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
making more than the President.

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.


'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women
are having to work to make ends meet.


'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to
watch their kids so they can both work.


'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of
foreign business.

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half
our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people
to government.

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously
doubt they will ever catch on.

'There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend, it costs
nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital,
it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

Know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on!

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From: Anonymous
Colonoscopy..

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
for a colonoscopy.  A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color
diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the
place,
at one point passing briefly through    Minneapolis.  Then Andy explained
the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient
manner.  I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, quote,
'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for
a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box  large enough to hold a
microwave oven.  I will discuss
MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never
allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;
all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor.  Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.  You mix two packets
of powder together in a one-liter  plastic jug, then you fill it with
lukewarm water.  (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is
about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug.  This takes about
an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind -
like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.'  This is kind of like saying that after you jump off
your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.  MoviPrep is a
nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:  Have you
ever seen a space-shuttle launch?  This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience,
with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a
seat belt.
 You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting
violently.  You eliminate everything.  And then, when you figure you must
be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which
point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.  The next morning
my wife drove me to the clinic.  I was very nervous.  Not only was I
worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return
bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'
 How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would
not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.  Then they led me to
a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.   Then a
nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. 
Ordinarily
I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying
down.
Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.  At first
I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered
what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the
bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.  You would
have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.  I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I
was seriously nervous at this point.  Andy had me roll over on my left
side,
and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my
hand.  There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song
was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to
be the least appropriate.   'You want me to turn it up?'
said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said.  And then it was
time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are
squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit
detail, exactly what it was like.
 I have no idea.  Really.  I slept through it.  One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
 Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent. 
I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and
that my colon had passed with flying colors.  I have never been prouder of
an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER
 Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami
Herald.
 On the subject of Colonoscopies...   Colonoscopies are no joke, but these
comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that
the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male)
while he was performing their colonoscopies:
 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
 5.'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
   And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE
TO
HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING
THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A
FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A
TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN
YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT
DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND
DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL
PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING
A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

TRIP TO WAL-MART

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little
to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting
the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended
up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified,
she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a
car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an
old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the
two men considered their circ*mstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

That's it for this week:

"The one pervading evil of democracy is the tyranny of the party that
succeeds, by force or fraud, in carrying elections."

- Lord Acton



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