Friday humour - January 30, 2009



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


As Melbourne and Adelaide swelter in a series of days with temperatures
climbing into the 40s, Friday Humour goes on.  We have a nice big bunch
this week.


My favourite was submitted by Allnutts at Highett.  He labelled it
"Frightening"

"This is very interesting......

It is a 24 hour observation of all of the large aircraft flights in the
world, (recorded by the 'plane flight transponders, via Geo-stationary
orbital satellites), patched together and condensed down to about a
minute.
(viz. what you see is 24 hrs duration compressed into 1 minute).

From space we look like a bee hive of activity.

You could tell it was summer time in the north by the suns foot print over
the planet.  You could see that it didn't quite set in the extreme north
and it didn't quite rise in the extreme south.

We are taught about the Earth's tilt and how it causes summer and winter
and have had to imagine just what is going on, now the "tilt" is visible.
With this 24 hour observation of aircraft travel on the earths surface we
get to see the daylight pattern move as well across the face of the
planet."

   Click here


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This week we start with some stuff from Billm

                   IMPORTANT GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCEMENT

DUE TO RECENT BUDGET CUTS, THE RISING COST OF ELECTRICITY,

GAS, OIL, FOOD, SEX, WINE & BEER  THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE

TUNNEL HAS BEEN TURNED OFF  UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.


KEVIN '07

WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.


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                                        2 PRAWNS

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns were swimming
around in the sea.

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that
inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I
wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being
eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'.

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his
old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and
lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his
sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought
perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he
found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends
and bought them all a c*cktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn c*cktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his
old pal.

'Where's Christian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the
enemy and became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set
off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come
out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the
enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.'.........

(You're going to love this...............................)

.

.

'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'


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This was from Digi Steve

                    SOFTWARE ENGINEERING GLOSSARY
                                           or
  DEFINING COMPUTER TERMS FROM A "MARKETING" POINT OF VIEW

ALL NEW -- The software is not compatible with previous versions.

ADVANCED DESIGN -- Upper management doesn't understand it.

BREAKTHROUGH -- It nearly booted on the first try.

NEW -- It comes in different colors from the previous version.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY -- It was developed on a shoe-string budget.

EXCLUSIVE -- We're the only ones who have the doc*mentation.

FIELD TESTED -- Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION -- All parameters are hard coded.

FUTURISTIC -- It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.

HIGH ACCURACY -- All the directories compare.

IT'S HERE AT LAST -- We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.

MAINTENANCE FREE -- It's impossible to fix.

MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS -- It compiles without errors.

PERFORMANCE PROVEN -- It works through beta test.

REVOLUTIONARY -- The disk drives go round and round.

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED -- We'll send you another copy if it fails.

STOCK ITEM -- We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.

UNMATCHED -- It's almost as good as the competition.

UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE -- Nothing ever ran this slow before.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT -- We finally got one to work.


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These came in from Kaos_reflex

                               Enjoy the long weekend:

Dear employees,


Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy,
Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 Years and
above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged
People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be
eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED or SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED
once
SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Incomefor
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early
Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED
any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always
prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.  Should you feel
that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of
your
Supervisor.  They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can
handle.

Enjoy the Long Weekend!


Sincerely... Manager


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                                      Sign On Door

I have a sign at the front door which indicates, "Door to door sales people
not welcome."

I answered the doorthe other day. This gorgeous blonde was there, selling
would you believe it, "sperm bank donations." I went off my face at her,
gave her a mouth full and told her to f*ck off.


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From Moose

                                      Missing in WA

An Australian bloke's wife went missing while diving off the West
Australian coast. He searched fruitlessly for hours, spends a terrible
night wondering what could have happened to her then duly reports the
event.

Next morning there's a knock at the door. He's confronted by a couple of
policemen, an older sergeant and a young constable.

The sergeant says, 'Mate, we got some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The sergeant says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a
turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
good news is.

The sergeant says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crayfish and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crayfish and four or five
crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that . . . So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', says the sergeant, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there
and pull her up again!


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This one arrived from Seasoldier

                              Give this some thought.

Now here's a thought . . . . If you are ready for the adventure of a
lifetime, try this:

a.. Go to Pakistan , Afghanistan or Iraq illegally.

Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that
nonsense.

b.. Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care
for you and your entire family.

c.. Demand that all nurses and doctors be fluent in English, and that all
food be cooked according to your special specifications in the hospital.

d. Demand free local government forms, bulletins, etc. be printed in
English.

e.. Procreate abundantly.

f.. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive
behaviour with, 'It is a cultural thing; you wouldn't understand.'

g.. Keep your original identity strong. Fly your previous country's
national flag from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front
window, or on your car bumper.

h.. Speak only English at home and in public, and make sure that your
children do likewise.

i.. Demand classes on English culture in the Muslim school system.

j.. Demand a local country driver license or national insurance number
equivalent

k.. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimise your
unauthorised, illegal, presence in Pakistan , Afghanistan or Iraq

l.. Drive around with no motor, tax or insurance and ignore local traffic
laws.

m.. Insist that local country law enforcement teaches English to all its
officers..

n.. Organise protest marches against your host country, inciting violence
against non-white, non-Christians, and the government that let you in.

Good luck! You'll soon be dead.

It would never happen in Pakistan , Afghanistan or Iraq (or any other
country in the world for that matter) except in the UK, US, Canada or
Australia, because we are run by soft, politically correct politicians that
are too scared to 'offend' anyone.

If you agree, pass it on.

If you don't, go ahead and try the above in Pakistan, Afghanistan or Iraq


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This stuff came from Whizzbang

                                          Harro

A refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and
emptying them into his dustcart. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't
been left out, so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back of the
house, but still can't see it. So, against the rules of the refuse
collector's code but in the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door.
There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again
-
much harder. Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door.

'Harro!' says the Japanese chappie.

'Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?' asks the collector.

'I bin on toiret' explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man
Smiles and tries again.

'No mate, where's your dust bin?'.

'I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man.

Still perplexed. 'Listen,' says the collector.

'You're misunderstanding me. Where's your *w h e e l i e* bin?'

'Ok. Ok ' replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin.

' I wheelie bin havin s*x wirra wife's sister.........!'


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                                       True Words

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,' Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter )


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased
to read the description in the catalog:
- 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement.

- Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante


I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield


Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.

- Spike Milligan


Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath


I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
nap.

- Bob Hope


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields


We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.

- Will Rogers


Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid
you.

- Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.

- Billy Crystal


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                           SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario :

Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into school parking lot with
rifle in gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car
and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

2007 - School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to
jail and never sees his ute or gun again. Counsellors called in for
traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
buddies.

2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge
them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario:

Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for
ADD.
School gets extra money from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,
and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster
care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she
remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom
has affair with psychologist.

Scenario :

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car
searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario :

Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear
nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist.

AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's
English teacher.. English banned from core curriculum.

Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he
cannot speak English.

Scenario :

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a
model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2007- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny
charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings
removed from home, computers confiscated,

Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found
crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a s*xual predator and loses her job. She
faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


Think about it!


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These came from you know who you are ...

                                    Molly The Camel

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in The
Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he Noticed
a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men Here
on the post and no women. And, sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's
why we have Molly TheCamel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
urges, so the camel can stay .'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with
passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a
ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants
down and has wild, insane s*x with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the other men do it?'

'No, not really, sir.. They usually just ride the camel into town......
where the girls are.'


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                                        Anything

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work c*cktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely s*xy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over
and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you
want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed
a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's handalong with
her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly andmeaningfully
said:

"Paint my house."


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                                      Boy On A Bus

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed
he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his
collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he
doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and
went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of
your collar.'


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                           George W. Bush's Resume

"I Need a Job"

I will be available in January 2009, and I am willing to relocate.

RESUME:

GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20520

LAW ENFORCEMENT: I was arrested in Kennebunkport , Maine , in 1976 for
driving under the influence of alcohol. I plead guilty, paid a fine, and
had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has
been
'lost' and is not available.

MILITARY: I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to
take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the
Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam .

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE: I graduated from Yale University with a low C
average. I was a cheerleader. PAST WORK EXPERIENCE: I ran for U. S.
Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland,
Texas, in 1975.
I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company
went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas
Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer
money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry
(Including Enron
CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS I changed Texas pollution laws to
favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the
Union.
During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city
in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of
billions in borrowed money. I set the record for the most executions by
any governor in American history. With the help of my brother, the
governor of
Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became
President of the United States, after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I am the first President in U. S. history to enter office with a criminal
record. I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over
one billion dollars per week. I spent the U. S. surplus and effectively
bankrupted the U. S. Treasury. I shattered the record for the largest
annual deficit in U. S. history. I set an economic record for most private
bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period I set the all-time record for
most foreclosures in a 12-month period. I set the all-time record for the
biggest drop in the history of the U. S. stock market. In my first year in
office,
over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues. I'm
proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration
in U.
S. history. My 'poorest millionaire, 'Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil
tanker named after her. I set the record for most campaign fund-raising
trips by a U. S. President. I am the all-time U. S. and world
record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My
largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth
Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U. S. history,
Enron. My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys
to assure my success with the U. S. Supreme Court during my election
decision. I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against
investigation or prosecution.
More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than
has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in
history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U. S. history and
refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was
revealed.. I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U. S. history. I
changed the U. S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded
government contracts. I appointed more convicted criminals to my
administration than any President in U. S. history. I created the Ministry
of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United
States Government. I've broken more international treaties than any
President in U. S. history. I am the first President in U. S. history to
have the United Nations remove the U. S. from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the U. S. from the World Court of Law. I refused to allow
inspector's access to U. S. 'prisoners of war' detainees and thereby have
refused to abide by the Geneva Convention. I am the first President in
history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US
election). I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any
President since the advent of television. I set the all-time record for
most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire
month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U. S.
history. I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U. S. after the World
Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U. S. the most
hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world
history. I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to
simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering
the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind. I am
the first President in U.
S. history to order an unprovoked, preemptive attack and the military
occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United
Nations, the majority of U. S. Citizens and the world community. I have cut
health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits
for active duty troops and their families in wartime. In my State of the
Union
Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the
lies on our British friends. I am the first President in history to have a
majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to
world peace and security. I am supporting development of a nuclear
'Tactical
Bunker Buster,' aWMD. I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring
Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's
library, sealed and unavailable for public view. All records of SEC
investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are
sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. All records or minutes
from meetings that I, or my Vice-President attended, regarding public
energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review. I
specified that my sealed doc*ments will not be available for 50 years.


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                                 The Sunday Paper

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" the irate customer calling the newspaper
office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Sat*rday. The Sunday paper
is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a
ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, ....... so that's
why no one was at church today."


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From yours truly

                                  Farewell George W.

George:

We will miss you and your words of wisdom that brought tears to our eyes!


'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
                 - George W. Bush

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
            - George W. Bush

'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one
word is 'to be prepared'.'
              -George W. Bush


'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the
future.'
           - George W. Bush

'The future will be better tomorrow.'
              - George W. Bush

'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
        - George W. Bush

'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
           - George W Bush

'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to   Europe . We are a part of   Europe    '
            - George W. Bush

'Public speaking is very easy.'
            - George W. Bush

'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.'
           - George W. Bush

'I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree
with them.'
          -George Bush

'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
            - George W. Bush

'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'
            -George W. Bush

'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.'
          -George W. Bush

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it.'
           - George W. Bush


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This came from Steve from JokesAreUs

                                          Music

You are blonde and on a bus, when you suddenly fart.

Luckily the music is very loud.

So every time you fart, you time it with the music.

When you start making your way to the door as you exit the bus everybody is
throwing dagger looks at you, and you suddenly realize. ..........


... You're listening to your I-pod!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Allnutts Selection

                           The best ducking joke today

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind,
can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round
this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm
a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,
but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches,
reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . . .


"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer??!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                INTERESTING STUFF

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat
his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of
thumb'

-------------------------------------------

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
'Gentlemen Only... Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.

-------------------------------------------

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and
Wilma Flintstone.

-------------------------------------------

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U. S. Treasury.

-------------------------------------------

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

-------------------------------------------

Coca-Cola was originally green.

-------------------------------------------

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

-------------------------------------------

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

------------------------------------------------------------------------

111,111,111 x
111,111,111 =
12,345,678,987,654,321

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the
air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air
the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has
all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q.. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?

A. Obsession

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

------------------------------------------------------------------------

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer
to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all
the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar
was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know
today as the honeymoon.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England ,
when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your
pints and quarts, and settle down.'

It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase
inspired by this practice.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

- Now.... Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not,
you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a
porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
------------------------------------------------------------------------

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.... :-)

12.. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


This weeks pics and videos are from Croydon Caz, Whizzbang, Craig K, Mad
Mick from Marwick, Stumpy Steve, Diks, London Muse, Burnout, Russco of the
Gold Coast, Mitta, Smithie of Nottingham, Allnutts, Moose, Billm, and ...
you know who you are.


Reenviar: Una pasada de fotos
 Click here

European Commercial
 Click here

Bris
 Click here

What brought down the plane in the Hudson River?
 Click here

What if.
 Click here

The Castle at Ibiza
 Click here

Get It On.......
 Click here

Australian Creation Story
 Click here

A bit late, I know - A Christmas Present for that hard to please Wife
 Click here

Evolution of the Species......
 Click here Click here

Important Safety Poster
 Click here

How True is This ...
 Click here

Fine in 2009..............
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Storing your beer...  (adult)
Why  should beer be kept in the bottom of the refrigerator?
 Click here

The Handbag? ---The wonders of Viagra
 Click here

Obama's First Decision
 Click here

Wouldn't  this be cool.........
 Click here

ANOTHER REASON TO FLY FIRST CLASS
 Click here

Mad Mick from Marwick's funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

The differance between a $5 car wash and $500 car wash  [XXX]
 Click here

HAVING A BAD DAY???
 Click here

Moose Funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

WHY EVERYTHING SHOULD BE SOLD WITH INSTRUCTIONS
 Click here

Hair Dresser
 Click here

Wouldn't you have loved to be there? Wow. Great Commercial.
 Click here

Porno guy
 Click here

USAIR ... Recovery pix
I thought they were interesting pix. Not 'humour' but perhaps a sign of
better things to come. If they are not suitable for FH, no problem... just
delete. Dammit, I wish I could just delete so many things... and people
too... - Muse
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Ain't that the truth...
 Click here

More
 Click here

Mass Migration of Stingrays
 Click here Click here Click here

The Space Shuttle
 Click here

Ford ad!!
 Click here

What Muscle Control.... Amazing.-
 Click here

Submitted by a first grade girl for a homework assignment
 Click here

Oh What a Feeling!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The train driver ....
 Click here

Pole Dancer (we've all been there)
 Click here

Hilarious Bestman Speech
My first contribution to Friday Funnies.  Keep up the great work!  - Craig
K
 Click here
                  or, from Muse
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Back to asccii with Burnout

                     Something to Offend Almost Everybody

A Fat bitch in a bar says 'If you can guess my weight, you can f*ck me.'

A bloke says, ''Bout three ton you fat ugly moll '.

She says, 'That's close enough you lucky bastard'.

*************************************************

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos!

Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

*************************************************

85% of Ipswich, Queensland males say they enjoy s*x in the shower........

The other 15% haven't been to prison yet

***********************************************

Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face',

It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd
screaming 'come on .. .My face

*************************************

I've just been to my first Muslim birthday party!

Musical chairs was a bit slow but f*** me, pass the parcel was fast!

**************************************

2 Irish couples decide to swap partners.

Afterwards Paddy said

"That's the best f*** I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on" ?

****************************************

If mothers celebrate Mothers' Day, fathers celebrate Fathers' Day, lovers
celebrate Valentine's Day, do w@nkers celebrate Palm Sunday?

******************************

Paddy weighs 120kg , so his doctor puts him on a diet. 'I want you to eat
regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks, you
should loose 10kgs .' When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having
lost 40 kg . 'That's amazing the doc said'... Paddy nodded...'I'll tell you
bejeesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day.' 'What - from
hunger?'
said the doc... 'No - from the fookin' skipping!'

*********************************

CHANNEL NINE HAVE SAID THAT BLACKS AND ASIANS ARE NOT REPRESENTED ENOUGH ON
TV SO THEY'RE PUTTING CRIME WATCH ON TWICE A WEEK.

*******************************

Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition on Tuesday? The
organisers have the pans and all the ingredients... They just need a
tosser.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From The Duke of B

                            Oooh!! Gloveson girls!! :-))

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Colorado were listening
to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going
to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So
the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
through." The good wife went out and move d her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow and just then the
electricity went off. The wife had a worried look on her face when she
said,
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park
on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married
to
Blondes exhibit, the husband replied... . . . "Why don't you just leave it
in the garage this time?"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                     Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here are the glorious top 10 winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot
did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and
tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honorable
mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger.
The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken
the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Sarare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter,
and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20
bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...
$15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief in the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was
able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes,
the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove
back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to
stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's
her. that's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A. M., flashed a gun, and demanded
cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked
away. [A 5-STAR
STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage
tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying
that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. 

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends
and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a
distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are
distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember... They walk among us!!! ***


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A quickie from Nottingham Smithie

                                          Asda

I was in Asda the other day with 2 trollies full of booze and party food
when a little old lady joined the queue behind me.  She only had a pint of
milk and a tin of cat food so I said 'Is that all you have, love?'

She said 'yes.'

So I did the decent thing and said 'If I were you, I'd f*ck off to another
till cos I'm going to take ages at this one!'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This lot came from Stumpy Steve


                         And that's how the fight started...

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him
why, he replied, 'Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last
year.'

And that's how the fight started...

--------------------------------

My wife walked into the room and asked, 'What's on the TV?' I replied,
'Dust.'


And that's how the fight started...

--------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our forthcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in about 3
seconds.' I bought her some scales.

And that's how the fight started....

--------------------------------

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed
my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't
been in a long time,' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started...

--------------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have s*x?' No, she
answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this
time, simply saying, 'Yes' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started.

--------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first. 'I'll have the T Bone Steak, medium rare, please.' He said 'Aren't
you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself/'

And that's when the fight started ...


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                               Present for the Wife

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his
wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from 50 to 150 in
price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the
sheerest item, pays the 150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model
it for him..

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might
as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it
tomorrow and get a 150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                             The Geordie Thermometer

50 Degrees. Southerners turn on their heating. Geordies plant their
gardens.

40 Degrees. Southerners shiver uncontrollably. Geordies Sunbathe.

30 Degrees. Southern cars will not start. Geordies drive with their windows
down

20 Degrees. Southerners wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. Geordies throw a
t-shirt on (Girls start wearing mini-skirts)

10 Degrees. Southerners begin to Evacuate. Geordies go swimming in the
North
Sea.

Zero degrees. Southern landlords turn up the heat. Geordies have the last
barbecue before it gets cold.

Minus 10 Degrees. Southerners cease to exist. Geordies throw on a
lightweight jacket.

Minus 80 Degrees. Polar bears wonder if it's worth it. Geordie Boy scouts
start wearing long trousers.

Minus 100 Degrees. Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Geordies put on
their long johns.

Minus 173 Degrees. Alcohol freezes. Geordies become frustrated because the
pubs are shut.

Minus 297 Degrees. Microbiological life starts to disappear. The cows on
Newcastle town moor complain of vets with cold hands.

Minus 460 Degrees. All atomic motion stops. Geordies start to stamp their
feet and blow on their hands.

Minus 500 Degrees. Hell freezes over.... Sunderland qualify for Europe.

BTW I know that Absolute Zero is 273.15 on the Celsius (centigrade) scale
and 459.67 on the Fahrenheit scale but, I didn't write the joke - a
Geordie did


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally another from Whizzbang

                                           Joke

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an Aboriginal, a Yank,
an
African, an elephant, a refrigerator, two  blondes, a homos*xual, three
social workers, a Jew, a crocodile and a Kiwi all walked into a bar.

The bartender turned around  and said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote Of The Week:


 "I would only like to remind you that, only a year ago, from this
  rostrum, we heard the words of American representatives about the
  fundamental stability and cloudless prospects of the US economy.
  But today, the pride of Wall Street - the investment banks - have
  practically stopped existing."

  For the past year, they have had to acknowledge losses far
  exceeding their profits for the past quarter of a century. This example
  alone reflects the real state of affairs better than any criticism."


                                 -  Vladimir Putin, Russian Prime Minister

         (speaking at the World Economic Forum in Davos)


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fin-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

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