Friday humour - January 23, 2009

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

First up - thanks to Smithie for doing the actual edit this week and
allowing me to do the editorial I had planned for this week before our
weeks ended up swapped.

The Australian Federal Government is committed to introducing a universal
Internet content filtering system. This means that the
Government will decide what content Australians will be allowed to have
access to via the internet. No - this is not a joke. The reasoning the
Government is using to justify its actions is that it will make it safer
for children to use the internet.

It might be a good idea if it had any chance of being effective, but sadly,
there is no evidence anywhere that supports the notion that implementing
such content filtering results in any significant reduction in access to
"unsafe" material by children.

So my questions are two:-
1/ Why is the Government so strongly and single-mindedly following this
course of action, when all of the industry and consumer lobby groups, and
even its own people, are telling them it wont achieve the desired results,
and 2/ Why are the criteria for blocking, and the lists of blocked content
to remain secret, even to the extent of specifically diluting the Freedom
of Information Act to ensure secrecy?

I suspect there is or could be another agenda here. It is not a conclusion
that sits well with me, but I cannot see another sensible conclusion,
other than complete incompetence bordering on dangerous.

I would encourage you all to view the web page at
  Click here
and have a bit of a look around the site, especially
  Click here
so that you can take an informed view of what is committed to and whether
it is a good idea.

Finally, to put the issue into context, when this system is fully
implemented nobody, child or otherwise, will be able to access
Friday Humour, or receive emails from Friday Humour, as its content exceeds
the R18+ bottom limit for filtering.

... and now on to Smithies offerings for this week.

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The Barack Obama Irish song

Moneygall is a small village in County Offaly , Ireland. It has a
population of approximately 300 people, has a Roman Catholic church, five
shops, a post office, a national school, a police station, and two pubs.

President-elect of the United States Barack Obama's great-great-great
grandfather, Falmouth Kearney, emigrated from Moneygall to New
York City at the age of 19 in 1850 and eventually resettled in Tipton
County, Indiana. Kearney's father had been the village shoemaker, then a
wealthy skilled trade.

And now for the SONG...Crank up your speakers.

 Click here

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Here's another one of those "Southern Folk" things.....

A winter statistic ......

98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY
ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM  TENNESSEE AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH
THIS.'

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The Medical Profession speaks out on the Financial Bail Out Package.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to
make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling
about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of
nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a
misconception. The
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the Pathologists
yelled, 'Over my dead body!' while the Paediatricians said,
'Oh, Grow up!' The
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could
see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the
whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and
the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.' The
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the
scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a
gas; and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some as*holes in
Washington.

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Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. 
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?
14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?
15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?
16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures
on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver
the mail?
17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
NAIVE
20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?
23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one
enjoys it?
24. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when you
send it by sea it is called cargo?
25. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days
a year, why are there locks on the door?

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 THE PROSTATE EXAM

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as
a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very
pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this
new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I
want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check
your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The guy obeys and says, '99'! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on
your left side and again, while I repeat the check, please take a deep
breath and say, '99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with
your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this
hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis and your
testicles, to keep them out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, '99.

The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'.

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Man walks into a pet shop to buy a parrot and promptly chooses one with
bright green plumage. Shopkeeper warns him that the parrot has a habit of
using bad language, but the man proceeds to buy the parrot anyway.

On the way home in the car, the man runs a red light and the parrot says
"what a f*cking useless driver you are!"

The man was flabbergasted, grabs the parrot and shoves it in the glove box.

When they get home, he take out the parrot and asks it politely if it has
learned its lesson and will tidy up its language. "Shove it up your ass
you d*ck swallowing t*rd" retorts the parrot.

Really upset, the man punishes the parrot and sticks it in the oven at 100
degrees. After 2 hours, he lets the parrot out and again asks if he has
learned its lesson and will clean up its foul mouth Slightly dishevelled,
but still in fine form, the parrot says,
"Now that you've tried to cook me, why don't you do your mother next?"

Incensed, the man grabs the parrot and shoves it into the freezer. The next
morning, the man opens the freezer and sees a shivering and very remorseful
parrot. "Have you learned your lesson yet?" demands the man.

"Yyyyyyes" stammers the parrot, "but what on earth did that bloody chicken
do wrong?"

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During the weekly church service, the Pastor asked if anyone in the
congregation would like to express praise and thanks for prayers, which
had been answered. A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, 'I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband,
Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help
him.'

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move
caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's
scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined
the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with
time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

All the men sighed with relief.

The Pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say a
man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, 'I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is..
'sternum.'

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After nine years of marriage my wife still gets upset if I use her
toothbrush.
If you know any better way of getting dog sh*t off my runners, I'm all
ears.

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The 'misunderestimated' president?

All politicians are prone to make slips of the tongue in the heat of the
moment - and President George W Bush has made more than most.

The word "Bushism" has been coined to label his occasional verbal lapses
during eight years in office, which come to an end on 20 January.


Here are some of his most memorable pronouncements.


ON HIMSELF


"They misunderestimated me."
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November, 2000


"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in
Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me -
you can't get fooled again."
Nashville, Tennessee, 17 September, 2002


"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the
horizon were getting nearly directly overhead."
Washington DC, 11 May, 2001


"I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He
married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas
girl, just like me."
Nashville, Tennessee, 27 May, 2004


FOREIGN AFFAIRS


"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the
great and enduring alliances of modern times."
Tokyo, 18 February, 2002


"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam
Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise
himself."
Grand Rapids, Michigan, 29 January, 2003

"I think war is a dangerous place." Washington DC, 7 May, 2003


"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the - the vast majority
of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these
people and we will bring them to justice."
Washington DC, 27 October, 2003


"Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies
against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of
a hat."
Washington DC, 17 September, 2004


"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war
on terror."
CBS News, Washington DC, 6 September, 2006


EDUCATION


"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
Florence, South Carolina, 11 January, 2000


"Reading is the basics for all learning."
Reston, Virginia, 28 March, 2000


"As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools,
and
I have met those standards."
CNN, 30 August, 2000


"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy
test.''
Townsend, Tennessee, 21 February, 2001


ECONOMICS


"I understand small business growth. I was one."
New York Daily News, 19 February, 2000


"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
Reuters, 5 May, 2000


"I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine Labour Secretary. From
what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified."
Austin, Texas, 8 January, 2001


"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers.
Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to
kill."

Washington DC, 19 May, 2003


HEALTHCARE


"I don't think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our
views on prescription drugs."
Orlando, Florida, 12 September, 2000


"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's
aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."
Poplar Bluff, Missouri, 6 September, 2004

TECHNOLOGY


"Will the highways on the internet become more few?"
Concord, New Hampshire, 29 January, 2000


"It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of
human cloning to come out of that chamber."
Washington DC, 10 April, 2002

"Information is moving. You know, nightly news is one way, of course, but
it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets."
Washington DC, 2 May, 2007


OUT OF LEFT FIELD


"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
Saginaw, Michigan, 29 September, 2000


"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
LaCrosse, Wisconsin, 18 October, 2000


"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."
Tucson, Arizona, 28 November, 2005


"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting
thing about him is that I read three - three or four books about him last
year. Isn't that interesting?"
Speaking to reporter Kai Diekmann, Washington DC, 5 May, 2006


ON GOVERNING


"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who
brings people together."
Bartlett, Tennessee, 18 August, 2000


"I'm the decider, and I decide what is best."
Washington DC, 18 April, 2006


"And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read
by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, and [Tony
Blair] read it."
On the publication of the Baker-Hamilton Report, Washington DC, 7 December,
2006

"All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone."
San Diego, California, 25 October, 2007


"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened
inside this Oval Office."
Washington DC, 12 May, 2008

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 Revisited songs from the 60's


Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to
accommodate aging baby boomers.


They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a flash.

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash ---    (?)
I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores --- &nbs! p;
Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye ---
Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba---
Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.


And Last but NOT least

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again...


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A guy is 72years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day

when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you
have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will
be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'


With age comes wisdom.

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WOMEN KNOW THEIR PLACE


A point of view...

Several years ago, before the Afghan conflict, Barbara Walters of

Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan.

She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their

husbands.  Recently she returned to Kabul and observed that women

still walk behind their husbands.


From Miss Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the

oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further

back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom

they had so disliked.


Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,  "'Why do

you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so

desperately to change?'"


The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without

hesitation, said, "Land Mines."


Moral of the story is......(no matter where you go)


BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN


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As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.


For example, my Doctor referred me to a female Urologist. I saw her
yesterday, and she is gorgeous. One of the most beautiful and unbelievably
s*xy women I have ever seen!

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
I asked her why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

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Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing
who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says,
'Well,
we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Scotsman then replies, 'Well... it was the Scots that discovered the
Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.' The
Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Scots were the ones who built the
first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the
discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones
who invented s*x!'

The Scotsman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who
introduced it to women.'

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A radio station in Cork was running a competition - words that weren't in
the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make
logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96 FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"

Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced 'go-an'."

DJ: "You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a
trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make
sense?"

Caller: "Goan **** yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: "96 FM, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."

DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"

Caller: "Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

DJ: "You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a
trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make
sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan **** yourself!"

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The History of APRONS


I don't think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath,
because she only had a few, it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and
they used less material, but along with that, it served as a potholder for
removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used
for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks,
and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.

And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood
stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had
been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the
trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much
furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron,
and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace
that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.

Send this to those who would know, and love, the story about Grandma's
aprons. Or it can be a good history lesson for those that have no idea how
the apron played a part in our lives.

REMEM BER:

Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.
Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.

They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that
apron.
I don't think I ever caught anything from an apron ..... but Love !!

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Just Click on this link and go for the ride of your life!

        This is the fastest-growing sport in Norway right now.


 Click here


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The latest club craze is to fill a woman' s vagina with vodka and then suck
it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge
drinking

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos!
Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy s*x in the shower........ The
other 15% haven't been to prison yet

I'm really p*ssed off! Someone's just crashed into my car in one of them
new
Skodas. There's f.......g jam and sponge everywhere!

Bastards! Just been thrown out & barred from the local swimming baths
because I had my Speedo trunks on! What I didn't know was the 'S' had come
off the logo!!

Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I
can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on .. .My
face

I've just been to my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit
slow but f*ck me pass the parcel was fast!

I dunno what all the fuss is about this shark coming to Cornwall . It's the
first thing in ages that's tried to get in this country that's f*cking
white !!

2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy
that's the best f*ck I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?

If mothers Celebrate mothers day, fathers celebrate fathers day, lovers
celebrate valentines day, do w@nkers celebrate palm sunday?

Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet. 'I want you to eat
regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks, you
should loose 5lbs.' When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having
lost 4st. 'That?s amazing the doc said'...Paddy nodded...'I'll tell you be
Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day.' 'What from hunger said
the doc?'...'No from the f........g skipping!'

THE BBC HAVE SAID THAT BLACK AND ASIANS ARE NOT REPRESENTED ENOUGH ON TV SO
THEY'RE PUTTING CRIMEWATCH ON TWICE A WEEK.


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      A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was
refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

      A spokesman for the channel said "A claim was made that people in
Dubai would not understand the humour, but we have heard that people in Abu
Dhabi Do"


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This is a must watch video clip


As you plan for 2009, watch this clip..............


  Click here


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Amazing!

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the words 'illegal immigrants' and
add a few more letters, it spells out: 'Fuck off and go home you hairy
faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, benefit grabbing, goat f*cking, smelly
rag-head bastards?'

                        How weird is that??

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 Click here


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 Click here
Bunk up as a woman hit the accelerator instead of the brake on her
automatic car.

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 Click here

Appreciation Day
Today is National Female Breast Appreciation   Day
Beats the Shit out of Red NoseDay
Doesn't it?

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From non-compliant , to nice guy in 50,000 volts!
 Click here

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Proof he doesn't need the practice....................

 Click here

You just joined to Texas Tech University as a freshman... You are SO
PROUD that you have been chosen to pump up the crowd as the school's
'BELL RINGER' during the big game... Your whole family, all of your
friends, and 15 million viewers see you on Sat*rday television ringing the
team's bell... But due to the tragically unfortunate placement of the bell,
the camera and your body, your whole family, all of your friends, and 15
million ESPN viewers, see this instead.............

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 Billy Cokebottle compilation

 Click here

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 Bacon with attitude! ......

 Click here

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DIFFICULT DECISON ...........RUN OR FINISH ?????

 Click here

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You know you're Australian if....

You know the meaning of 'girt'
You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk
You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin
You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers
stuffed in your wallet or purse
When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often
and with whom
You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs'
refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds
You pronounce Melbourne as 'Mel-bin'
You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'
You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional
You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to
Maccas'
You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways
with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep
You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly
despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'
You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place
You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as
big as its $2 coin
You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy
Woy' can't be called 'Woy'
You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread
You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up,
at which point they again become Kiwis
You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'
You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any
rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'
You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the
Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year
You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not
spelt with a 'u'
You wear ugg boots outside the house
You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them
Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway
fluently in every Asian language
You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway
polite
You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose
You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'
You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle
Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach
cricket
You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call
'Anzac cookies'
You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'
When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched
by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit
You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black
tracky-daks,
suitably laundered
You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction
When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to
offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer
You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem
and then have trouble remembering the second
You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the
government's new test for migrants.

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 Hydraulics exercise

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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 Photo editing
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


      Now  THIS is why you can't believe any picture you see on the
Internet!

      This is a perfect example of what an expert can do with  Adobe
PhotoShop!

      The guy who did these pictures did an awesome  job!

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Dishwasher and Sandwich Maker Sale

 Click here


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Why it pays to fly first class...

 Click here

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 Books for the Modern Child

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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 Doctor's reception - BRILLIANT!!

 Click here

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 spelling is important
 Click here

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The perfect gift for the problem wife

 Click here


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 Well spoken Bill Cosby!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

This may be well said but I don't think it only applies to the blacks ....
Don't you think our own culture is also going this way?


                        'They're  standing on the corner and they can't
speak English.

                        I can't even talk the way these people  talk:

                        Why you  ain't,
                        Where you is,
                        What he drive,
                        Where he  stay,
                        Where he work,
                        Who you be..

                        And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.

                        And then I heard the father talk.

                        Everybody knows it's important to speak English
except these knuckleheads. You can't be a  doctor with that kind of crap
coming out of your mouth.

                        In fact you will never get any kind of job making a
decent living.

                        People marched and were hit in the face with rocks
to get an Education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.

                        The lower economic people are not holding up their
end in this deal.

                        These people are not parenting. They are buying
things for kids.

                        $500 sneakers for what?

                        And they won't spend  $200 for Hooked on Phonics.

                        I am talking about the people who cry when their
son is standing there in an orange suit.

                        Where were you when he was two?

                        Where were you when he was twelve?

                        Where were you when he was 18 and how come you
didn't know that he had a pistol?

                        And where is the father?  Or who is his  father?

                        People putting their clothes on backward:
                        Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?

                        People with their hats on backward, pants down
around the crack, isn't that a sign of something?

                        Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress
all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her
body?

                        What part of Africa did this come from??

                        We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans;
they don't know a thing about Africa.

                        I say this all of the time.  It would be like white
people saying they are European-American.  That is totally stupid.

                        I was born here, and so were my parents and grand
parents and, very likely my great grandparents.  I don't have any
connection to Africa, no more than white Americans have to Germany,
Scotland, England,
Ireland, or the Netherlands. The same applies to 99 percent of all the
black
Americans as regards to Africa. So stop, already!

                        With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and
all of that crap, and all of them  are in jail.

                        Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no
longer the white person's problem.

                        We have got to take the neighborhood back.

                        People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight
children with eight different 'husbands' - or men, or whatever you call
them now.

                        We have millionaire football players who cannot
read.

                        We have million-dollar basketball players who can't
write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.

                        Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you
are hurting us.

                        We have to start holding each other to a higher
standard.

                        We cannot blame the white people any longer.'


                        Dr.  William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr.,  Ed.D.


                        WELL  SAID, BILL!

                        It's  NOT about color!

                        It's about behavior!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Closet

 Click here


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 Thought you might like this...

 Click here Click here Click here


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 Busy Surgeons1 (Medium).jpg

 Click here


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 Confucious says....

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


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Shoo George! Get him!
 Click here

It didn't take long/ First time I scored 6.

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Monday funnies

 Click here

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 Flower of Scotland

 Click here

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New Shimano Reel

 Click here Click here


        Designed and sold in Zimbabwe !

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 A wonderful town in Austria

 Click here Click here Click here Click here


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


            The newspaper article is even funnier than the sign!!


            Are the residents called Fuckers? What are the  mothers called?

            What would you be learning at the Fucking High School ?

            Does the Fucking Hospital help you with anything else?
            If your friend came from another town, he wouldn't be your
Fucking friend?
             What do you ask a pedestrian when you want to mail a letter,
'Excuse me,

            where's the Fucking Post Office?'

            And, perhaps, it's just like in America ..you can never find
the
Fucking Police

            when you need them!


            Oh the fun we could have if we had a Fucking airport!  When
people said 'look, there's one of

            the Fucking Directors' it would seem more natural. We would
still have a Fucking drainage problem,

            issues with Fucking property lines, Fucking outside fuel
storage problems, Fucking septic issues,

            and no Fucking person would be happy with anything the Fucking
Board did. but we would still

            have the best Fucking airport in the country!


            NOW YOU CAN FORWARD THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHO KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT FUCKING!

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 Question about my car
 Click here

Hey this is serious. I have a car question.  I do not have much of an
automotive background and I am wondering if you could answer one quick
question for me?

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 Heaven in Islam..

 Click here Click here

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 Not fast enough
 Click here


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 Draw a pig....rather cool :o)
 Click here


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Numbers...........interesting

 Click here

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yes, he is American

 Click here

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Cool dolphin stampede

 Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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