Friday humour - January 16, 2009

From Steve @ Bluehaze.

Another quick emergency edit. Sorry - Smithie missed his rostered edit so I
did a quick one.

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A kid came up to me the other day and asked "What's your favourite telly
tubbie?" I said "Probably the new Samsung widescreen you cheeky little
sod!"

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The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though
they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their
pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the
wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation
and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took
them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully
stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen
hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be
your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why,
nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in
Heaven..'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship
golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on
Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St.
Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every
imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic
deserts, free flowing beverages. 'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the
man.. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where
are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he
asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.. 'You can eat and drink as much
as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This
is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran
Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

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The love story of Ralph and Edna.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna
promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news
she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally
respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you
love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad
news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right
after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can
I go home?'

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A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see
me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you
see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did !'

When Opportunity knocks .... MAKE USE OF IT !

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The following are winners in a New York Magazine contest in which
contestants were asked to take a well-known expression in a foreign
language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new
expression.
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HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?
EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail
IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys!
VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered
J'Y SUIS, J'Y PESTES - I can stay for the weekend
COGITO EGGO SUM - I think; therefore, I am a waffle
RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead
RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scots
QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI - The King is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous
PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown
MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old
FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat
HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food
VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort
ALOHA OY - Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never
know
MAZEL TON - Lots of luck
APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Larry and Curly get wet
PORTE-KOCHERE - Sacramental wine
ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about having dough
FUI GENERIS - What's mine is mine
VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave chateau without it
VENI VIDI VISA - I came, I saw, I bought
CA VA SANS DIRT - And that's not gossip
MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothin'.
AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend
L'ETAT, C'EST MOO - I'm bossy around here
L'ETAT, C'EST MOE - All the world's a stooge

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Saving a squirrel by eating one
Rare roast beef splashed with meaty jus, pork enrobed in luscious crackling
fat, perhaps a juicy, plump chicken ... these are feasts that come to mind
when one thinks of quintessential British food. Lately, however, a new
meat is gracing the British table: squirrel.

Though squirrel has appeared occasionally in British cookery, history
doesn't deem it a dining favourite. Even during World War II and the
period of austerity that followed, the Ministry of Food valiantly promoted
the joys of squirrel soup and pie. British carnivores replied, "No, thank
you."

These days, however, in farmers' markets, butcher shops, village pubs and
elegant restaurants, squirrel is selling as fast as gamekeepers and
hunters can bring it in.

"Part of the interest is curiosity and novelty," said Barry Shaw of Shaw
Meats, who sells squirrel meat at the Wirral Farmers Market near Liverpool.
"It's a great conversation starter for dinner parties."

While some have difficulty with the cuteness versus deliciousness ratio —
that adorable little face, those itty-bitty claws — many feel that eating
squirrel is a way to do something good for the environment while enjoying
a unique gastronomical experience.

With literally millions of squirrels rampaging throughout England, Scotland
and Wales at any given time, squirrels need to be controlled by culls. This
means that hunters, gamekeepers, trappers and the Forestry Commission (the
British equivalent of forest rangers) provide a regular supply of the meat
to British butchers, restaurants, pâté and pasty makers and so forth.

The situation is more than simply a matter of having too many squirrels. In
fact, there is a war raging in Squirreltown: invading interlopers (grey
squirrels introduced from North America over the past century or more) are
crowding out a British icon, the indigenous red squirrel immortalized by
Beatrix Potter and cherished by generations since. The greys take over the
reds' habitat, eat voraciously and harbour a virus named squirrel parapox
(harmless to humans) that does not harm greys but can devastate reds.
(Reports indicate, though, that the reds are developing resistance.)

"When the greys show up, it puts the reds out of business," said Rufus
Carter, managing director of the Patchwork Traditional Food Company, a
company based in Wales that plans to offer squirrel and hazelnut pâté on
its
British Web site, patchwork-pate.co.uk.

Enter the "Save Our Squirrels" campaign begun in 2006 to rescue Britain's
red squirrels by piquing the nation's appetite for their marauding North
American cousins. With a rallying motto of "Save a red, eat a grey!" the
campaign created a market for culled squirrel meat.

British bon vivants suddenly couldn't get enough squirrel. Television chefs
were preparing it, cookbooks were extolling it, farmers' markets were
selling out of it and restaurants in many places were offering it on the
menu.

Meanwhile gamekeepers, hunters and trappers were happy to know that the
meat was being eaten, not wasted. "My lads don't like to kill an animal if
it's not going to be eaten," Shaw said of the hunters who bring him game.

Many enjoy squirrel, however, simply because they like its taste. Carter
said he didn't know what he was eating when he tried it. But, he said, "at
first bite, I thought it delicious." Patchwork will send squirrel pâté, by
the way, in return for a donation to "Save Our Squirrels" — but only
within
Britain.

Mark Holdstock, a writer and broadcaster specializing in countryside
matters, is less enthusiastic, having recently eaten squirrel on the air
on
"Farming Today," BBC Radio 4's iconic program devoted to rural issues.
"It's fair to say I didn't dislike it," he said.

Nichola Fletcher, a food writer and co-owner of a venison farm, held a
squirrel tasting for Britain's Guild of Food Writers, finding "their
lovely flavour tasted of the nuts they nibbled." At a later event,
however, she found the flavour disappointing, with "a greasy texture and
unpleasant taste," presumably reflecting these squirrels' diet.

Though squirrel has been promoted as a low-fat food, Fletcher said that in
her experience, "the quality and amount of fat varied from no visible fat
to about 30 percent, depending on the season, their age and, especially,
diet."

Fergus Henderson, the chef and co-owner of St. John restaurant in London,
offers squirrel on the menu "seasonally." Though the meat is available all
year long, it is in the spring, when hunting season is over, that country
folk can focus their attentions on controlling the squirrel population.
That's when squirrel appears on St. John's menu.

Henderson, who cooks with both poetry and passion, sometimes prepares his
squirrels "to recreate the bosky woods they come from," braising them with
bacon, "pig's trotter, porcini and whole peeled shallots to recreate the
forest floor." He serves it with wilted watercress "to evoke the
treetops."

Other chefs may be less lyrical, but they are no less enthusiastic. The
Famous Wild Boar Hotel in Britain's Lake District serves squirrel
Peking-duck style; at Matfen Hall, a grand country house hotel, it is
layered with hazelnuts into a terrine; in Cornwall, it can be found baked
into the iconic meat pie known as a pasty.

If you want to grab your shotgun, make sure you have very good aim —
squirrels must be shot in the head; a body shot renders them impossible to
skin or eat. (You want to get rid of the head in any event, as squirrel
brains have been linked to variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, the human
form of mad cow disease.)

Skinning a squirrel is "difficult and unpleasant," the food writer Leslie
Mackley said, adding, "You have to fight to rip the skin from the flesh."

A. H. Griffiths, who sells squirrel for the equivalent of about $3 per
squirrel at the butcher shop in Shropshire that bears his name, added that
it is "best left to the professionals."

"Each squirrel skinned makes the next one easier," he added. "When you've
skinned as many as I have, you find the best way."

Griffiths is a fan of the meat, likening it to a slightly oily rabbit. "We
started selling squirrel a few years ago, after the owner of our local pub
bragged about winning a squirrel-eating contest," he said. Then, he said,
the owner "caught a squirrel, casseroled it up, and we liked it so much
Griffiths has been selling it ever since."

One might think that because of easy availability, squirrel would be the
perfect meal-stretcher for these economically challenged times, but it
takes a lot of work to get the meat off even the plumpest squirrel. (One
would make a good main course.) Combined with the aforementioned
difficulty in skinning, Carter said, many otherwise enthusiastic hunters,
gamekeepers and chefs "can't be bothered with it."

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Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being
interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist.
The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of
a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?'
or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they
care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next,
and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the
French.'

The interview ended.

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Quote of the century ...

No woman will ever be truly happy, because no man will ever have a
chocolate penis that ejaculates money!

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Drug Runner Filmed Himself Speeding, And Admits To Masturbation

A DRUG runner who admitted to police that he had been masturbating while
driving at 150 km/h has been sentenced to two months jail.

Brendon Alan Erhardt, 39, was pulled over by police on July 16 last year,
25km south of Daly Waters.

He was returning to the Northern Territory from Adelaide, where he had used
an inheritance from his dead mother to buy a Holden SV6 and 5kg of
cannabis.

Inside the car, police discovered 10 packages of cannabis hidden in a blue
esky in the boot, two cannabis plants on the back seat,
two drug pipes and a loaded .22 rifle.

Erhardt told the officers he had been masturbating shortly before being
stopped for speeding on the 130km/h stretch of the Stuart
Hwy.

He had filmed himself travelling at a speed of 150km/h.

"(It is) conduct one might expect of a much younger immature person to
engage in," Magistrate Sue Oliver told Darwin Magistrate's
Court today.

Magistrate Oliver said his behaviour was strange and humiliating.

"The circ*mstances of the driving are bizarre to say the least," she said.

"And I would have thought it would cause him some embarrassment to have it
aired in a public forum."

Erhardt was also fined $2000 and disqualified from driving for six months.

The father of two is already serving time in prison over the same incident,
after he pleaded guilty in the NT Supreme Court to supplying a schedule two
drug and possessing two cannabis plants.

He was sentenced last month to three years in prison with a non-parole
period of 12 months.

The two prison sentences are to be served concurrently.

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Throw the Shoe at the president
 Click here

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Walk in fridge
 Click here

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A Woman Can Change your 2009 GOALS
 Click here

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Glad I found out about this! I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these
years.
 Click here

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Amazing Dancing Skeleton Man
 Click here

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The Things My Mother Taught Me
 Click here

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New Operating System Tech Support
 Click here

Powers of observation:
 Click here

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Fresh off the press!
 Click here
Poke and prod the spider with your mouse. Also, grab one of its legs with
your mouse and drag it around the screen. Tell me it's not alive! Also,
anywhere on the map hit the space bar and it leaves little bugs _watch the
spider go after them. This is totally creepy!

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It would be best if this didn't happen at your work:
 Click here

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Uncle Jay Explains: Year-end! 12-22-08
 Click here

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Bag a monster buck
 Click here

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Bye-bye Bushisms...
 Click here

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Budweiser commercial re: 9-11, aired only once!
 Click here

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Smart Dog
 Click here

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The Mum
 Click here

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Police Car vs. Deer...
 Click here

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Redneck Decoration Amazing
 Click here

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Why sack races are for kids [Xish]
 Click here

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Only one cup of alcohol allowed at the function:
 Click here

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From the shallows of Darwin's gene pool
 Click here

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How to Hold a Beer While Riding a Harley [Xish]
 Click here

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Nothing beats a great deal
 Click here

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Do you know who I am?
 Click here

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Welcome to my world...
 Click here

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Make the most of now
 Click here

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Momma's Little Helper
 Click here

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Golf history
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Snow & Ice festival
 Click here

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Queensland floods
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Interesting: Here's a neat little AA battery trick they don't want you to
know
 Click here

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PC gets mad!
 Click here

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A few quick photo's from Mundoo crash
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
Photo number 3 shows a blue tarp on the side of the lead loco. That's where
they found the body of the truck driver. The truck was fully laden and
apparently he emptied bins before the crossing, took off but didn't stop
at the stop sign.

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1936 Stainless Steel Ford
 Click here

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I found my BBQ
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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