Friday humour - January 09, 2009

From Burnout at BlueHaze.

Well it's New Year already; another war, another recession, another US
President, another.......
Seems to be going round & round........

A fairly quiet week on FH this week due in part to the holiday season.

From: Allnutts

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you
not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south
west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the
Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick
smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at
first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am.

But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya
bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no
calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though,
but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see
what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or
possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by
that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route
march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back
paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting
medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody
possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the
Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before
the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit
the target.
You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya
don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck
when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful
coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack
and
Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,
but
I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word
gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Some good stuff here. first, teachers, then cops.

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the
New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but,
boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started
to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it
all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out
1,000,000 others

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

---------------------------------

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the
country:

"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
through."

"Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after
you wear them a while."

"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless doc*ment."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because, that's the speed of
the bullet that'll be chasing you."

"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will
help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O. K, I'm warning you not to do that again or
I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride
on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to
write as many tickets as we can."

"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.
So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS...

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."

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From: Croydon Caz

Epitaph's On Old Tombstones

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries.

Some fascinating things on old tombstones!!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany - New York:
Born 1903 ~ Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
Car was on the way down. It was.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In a Thurmont, Maryland Cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist.
All dressed up and no place to go.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery:
Nova Scotia;
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only The Good Die Young.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In a Ribbesford, England Cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico Cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast...
Pardon me for not rising.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In a Silver City, Nevada cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:

Here lies the body of our Anna;
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'm not content.... until I know just where you went..??


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Croydon Caz

Love the Irish

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces.

The Coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector... "First body: An Italian, 60, died of
heart failure while with his mistress - Hence the enormous smile".

Second body: Scotsman, 25 he won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it
all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning - hence the smile."

The Inspector asked "What of the third body?"

"Ah" says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Pat Murphy, from
Ireland, 30, struck by lightning".

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

Coroner says "He thought he was having his picture taken."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Croydon Caz

     A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

        The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making love to a very attractive young woman.

        And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she
cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

        And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I
can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be
the last words you'll say to me!'

        And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and
out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

        I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

        So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because
you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in
moments.

        Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while
she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so
I threw them away.

        Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you
have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight.

        I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

        I found the s*xy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at
the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair
the same.'

        The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so
grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door,
she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have
anything else that your wife doesn't use?'


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From: Nottingham Smithie

Roping A Deer - - - -


I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall,
feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.  I figured that,
since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear
of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff
at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away),
it should not be difficult to rope one,
get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it
and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back.
They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them.
I picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the
feeder, and threw my rope.
The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a
good hold.
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was
mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it . . . it took a step away.
I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there
looking at you funny while you rope it,
they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
stronger than a cow or a colt.  A cow or a colt in that weight range I
could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled.
There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it.
As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it
occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea
as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other
animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me
off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up.
It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the
blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.
At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison.
I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck,
it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.  At the time, there was
no love at all between me and that deer.
At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the
feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various
large rocks as it dragged me across the ground,
I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small
chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation
we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I
managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a
little trap I had set before hand . . . kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope
back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have
thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I
reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they
just bite you and then let go.
A deer bites you and shakes its head --- almost like a pit bull.
They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw
back slowly.
I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes,
but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by
now),
tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm,
I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behaviour for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their
back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves
are surprisingly sharp.  I learned a long time ago that, when an animal --
like a horse -- strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away
easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an
aggressive move towards the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would
not work.
In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.
I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse
that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in
the back of the head.  Deer may not be so different from horses after all,
besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I
turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me
down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately
leave.  I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What
they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are
laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
scope to sort of even the odds.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Nottingham Smithie (he's been a busy boy this week - ED).

HOW TO POOP AT WORK:
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.  We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.  As much as
we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for
taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know
where it came from.  Be careful when you do this.  Do not stop until the
full fart has been expelled.  Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.  Walk in and
check for other poopers..  If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again.  Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.  People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a
stall.  This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.  If
you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.  Pretend it did not happen.
If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
you did not hear it.  No one likes an escapee.  It is uncomfortable for all
involved.  Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace.  This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover.  If this
should happen, do not panic.  Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred .

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water.  This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
the bathroom.  This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you.  As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist.  Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone
proud of it.  You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.  Always look around
the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.  This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors.  Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite s*x.  This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your s*x entering
the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open.  This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.  If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.  This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall.  This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert potential Turd Burglars.  Very effective when used in conjunction
with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars that you are occupying a stall.  This will remove all doubt that
the stall is occupied.  If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water.  This is also an embarrassing incident..  If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion.  See CAMO-COUGH...

*HAVANA-OMELETTE* A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water.  Often accompanied by an Escapee.  Try using
a
CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot.
An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.  This benefits you
as well as the other bathroom attendees!

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis.  It
doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining
so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's
still floating in there.  How do I get rid of it?
This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it
falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long
your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're
trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party.  And when you flush
the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Stumpy Steve

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.
-------------------

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been
repossessed.
--------------------------------

Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed. They've called in the
retrievers.

-----------------------

Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of the
takeover by Santander Bank. A Government spokesman said: 'No one expected
the Spanish acquisition.'

-------------------------------------

I talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to
concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside Boots
yesterday.

-----------------------------------

An architect, a surgeon and an economist are discussing the Creation. The
surgeon says: 'Look, we surgeons are most important. God's a surgeon
because the first thing he did was to extract Eve from Adam's rib.' The
architect says: 'No, wait a minute, God is an architect. He made the world
in seven days out of chaos.' The economist smiles: 'And who made the
chaos?'

---------------------------
As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an
unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without
hesitation, he starts dictating: '...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit
crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with
just one chair.'

-----------------------


What have an Icelandic bank and an Icelandic streaker got in common? They
both have frozen assets.

-------------------------

And finally: Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying
to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You
know,
I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person
very happy.'
Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five £10 notes
out of the window and make five people very happy.'
Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window
and make ten people very happy.'
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw
all of you out of the window and make the whole f****ing country happy.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden,
God came to visit Eve.
'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied.
'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking,
the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one
problem.
It is these breasts you have given me.
The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them
with my arms,
catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.
They are a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in
pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc....... she felt that having only
two breasts might leave her body more
'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.

'That is a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this,
you know.
I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of
those, but I see that you are right.
I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the
bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight on your part.
You see all the animals are paired off.
The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.
All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right.
H ow could I have overlooked this?
You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.
Now let's see ..... where did I put that useless tit? '

Now doesn't T H AT make more sense than that crap about the rib?


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Whizzbang

Postman pat's last day on the job..


It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the
whole family there who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on
his way with a gift cheque for $500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat
gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch
whisky.

At the fourth house a blonde in her lingerie met him at the door. She took
him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his
mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's
bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,
but what's the five dollars for?"

Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you".
"I asked him what to give you".

He said, "F--k him. Give him five bucks."

She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."


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From: Zalaga

Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he  visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to  words and
their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead  the
discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked  the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and  offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
farm,
is playing in the field &  a tractor runs over him and kills him, that
would be a 'tragedy..'

No,  said Gordon - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand:  'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone  inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Gordon - that's what we would call a great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the
room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand...In a
quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying  you and Mr. Darling was struck
by a
'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon.  'That's right.. And can you tell me why
that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a  great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident
either!'


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Now it's onto the AV files now:-


From: Anonymous

You'll love this (BE SURE TO CLICK THE BLUE SCREEN TO START IT.)

  HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4,
1926, in Amsterdam.  Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands.
Take a look at HEMA's product page. You can't order anything and it's in
Dutch but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens. Don't
click on any of the products pictured, just wait and see what happens. And
be Sure you have your sound turned up. This company has a sense of humour
and a great computer programmer.

 Click here


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Check out Airplanes: 24 Hour Air Traffic Around the World Blows Minds,
Eyebal

 Click here


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From: Arfermo

What a catch - bollocks to the ball. The girl is best!!

 Click here


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From: Anonymous

The Truck

Read the caption on the first photo, then look at the second photo.

 Click here

Look at the picture above and you can see where this driver broke through
the guardrail, on the  right side of the culvert,
where the people  are standing on the road, pointing.

The pick-up was travelling about 75 mph from right to left when it crashed
through the guardrail.

It flipped end-over-end bounced off and across the culvert outlet,
and landed right  side up on the left side of the culvert,
facing the opposite direction from which the  driver was travelling.

The 22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger were unhurt except for
minor cuts and  bruises.

Just outside Flagstaff, AZ , on  U.S. Hwy 100.


Now look at the second picture below...

 Click here

 Click here

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From: Burnout

What is the meaning of courage?

Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?
Is it to drive a formula 1 car?
Is it to fly a fighter in combat?
Is it to practice free falling parachuting?
Is it bungee jumping, white water rafting? 
Is it to gamble your salary on a coin toss?
Is it to insult the doorman in a bar?
Is it to insult your boss?
Is it to go on a defective Ferris Wheel?

Bullsh*t…that is nothing…  THIS is COURAGE!!!

 Click here

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From: Croydon Caz

When plants go bad Oops

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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From: Croydon Caz

Saving The Airline Industry - Bailout strategy

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?

Seems so simple.

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What
the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party
atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could
charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the
tips,
including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would
see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

 Click here


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I'm in the wrong office...working for Google

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

We already knew that working for Google had certain advantages, but,
believe me, this giant of the search motor takes the welfare of its
employees seriously .. as shown by this decompression (stress) capsule
that is impermeable to sound and light ...

Moving around: A slide allows quick access from different floors ... There
are also poles available ... they are similar to the ones used in fire
stations.

Food. Employees can eat all they want from a vast choice of food and drink.

Work Station: Each employee has at least two large screens. There are 4-6
'Zooglers' per office.

INOVATION: Large boards are available just about everywhere because 'ideas
don't always come when seated in the office' says one of Googles managers.

LEISURE. Pool tables, video games etc. are available in many areas.

Communication... On each floor, there are private cabin areas where
employees can attend to personal affairs.

Technical Support: Problem with your computer ? No problem ... Bring it to
this area where drinks are available while it is being fixed ...

Health: Professional masseurs (eusses) available.

REST ... This room provides massage chairs that you control ... while you
view relaxing aquariums ...

Ambiance ... There are many books in this library ... even some about
programming !!

My questions are .. when do they work? How much do they pay to work there?
And where do I send my application?

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From: Diks
Only in France.....commercial.......

 Click here


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Getting old.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your
own understanding, in all thy ways Acknowledge
Him and He will  direct thy paths.

This is it in a nutshell!!
 Click here


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From: Muse
Hilarious...... Living Scenery

 Click here

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Happy 2009 to all...

 Click here


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Strange buildings in the world

 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
How many illegal's fit in a van?

 Click here


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Can you do this exercise?

 Click here


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Pick me... pick me...

 Click here


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Good Advice for the New Year

 Click here


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From: The Great Gussius
McDonald's Calendar 2009

 Click here


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Wow! This young woman is so talented! She is amazing! I can't even bounce a
ball too well.

 Click here


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Quote of the day

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm,
she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a
smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is
given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of
sh*t."
 Click here


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New Christmas song - (Unsuitable for Children XXX - ED)

 Click here


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Happy New Year

2009 Contract

After serious & cautious consideration... your contract of friendship has
been renewed for the New Year 2009!

It was a very hard decision to make... So try not to screw it up!!!

Our Wish for You in 2009

May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts.

May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills.

May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your
lips!

May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy

May the problems you had, forget your home address!

In simple words ............

May 2009 be the best year of your life!!!


 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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Tell your girlfriends to stop emailing me (XX - ED)

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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New Piggy Bank...

Due to the current financial crisis, we have designed a new piggy bank. You
can collect it at your local Bendigo and Adelaide Bank branch from  today.

 Click here


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Creswell Creek Crossing

NQX will go to any lengths to get your freight to you.
You dry it out.

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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Ice Cream

It sure is hot enough...for an Ice Cream! Enjoy,

 Click here


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From: Zalaga
Best Ad

 Click here


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From: anonymous

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?


SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned
and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch.


BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a
change!
The chicken wanted change!


JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.


HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to
ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the
chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about
me.


GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The
chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.


DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?


COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.


What is your definition of chicken?


AL GORE: I invented the chicken.


JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.


AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.


DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken doesn't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before
it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current
problems before adding new problems.


OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why
he wants to cross this road so bad.

So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls,
which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he
can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the
chickens.


ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we
have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.


NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see
it in his eyes and the way he walks.


PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when
the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.


DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes,
the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.


GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story
of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish
its lifelong dream of crossing the road.


ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together,
in peace.


BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important doc*ments, and balance your
checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This
new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be
rebooted.


ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?


COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

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Well thats it for this week people, on conclusion - cop this:-

The Procrastinator's Creed:

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done
already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of
bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the
amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change
my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the
task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior
to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the
Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

Have a great week - Burnout.


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[ End friday humour ]

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