Friday humour - January 02, 2009



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


A pretty sparse issue this week as most of our contributors appear to be on
hols.


        > > >   Happy New Year to all FH readers   < < <


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First up this week are these from Smithie of Nottingham

                               Paddy has broken his leg

Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin?'

Paddy says ' do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are
freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters
sitting on the bed . He says 'your dad's sent me up here to shag the both
of you '.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back 'of course both of em, what's the point of fukckin one?'


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                                       Roping A Deer ...

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it
up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since
they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of
me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at
the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it
should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its
head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They
were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out.. .. a
likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my
rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a
good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell
it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it . . . it took a step away. I put a little tension
on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there
looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when
you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I
could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer ... no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling
it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and
started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a
deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally
imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other
animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me
off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes
to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the
big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed
venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that
rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no
love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing,
and
I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various
large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think
clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared
some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I
didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get
it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had
set before hand . . . kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope
back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have
thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I
reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they
just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head ---
almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw
back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several
minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by
now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up
with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final
lesson in deer behaviour for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their
back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves
are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal ...
like a horse ... strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away
easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an
aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back
down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would
not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.
I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse
that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in
the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all,
besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I
turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me
down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately
leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What
they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are
laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a
scope to sort of even the odds


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These came from Whizzbang

                   Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A University professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular
Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realising this was not
the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood
slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what
your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'probably out fishing with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom........


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               The Diary of a Mackay/Queensland SUMMER

August 31st: Just got transferred with work into our new home in Mackay!!
Now This is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm
balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from deck chair on the
verandah. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

September 13th: Really heating up. Got to 35 today. Not a problem. Live in
an air- conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

September 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of Palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn
for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week. How do People
get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though.
But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I
expected.

October 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my
body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th: I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left
this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died
and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000
leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells
like
Wiskettes and cat sh*t. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this
heat.

October 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!! And
it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the blink and the AC
repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order
parts.

October 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody
$450,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

November 4th: It's 35 degrees. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed
today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody
humidity makes the house feel like it's about 30. Stupid repairman. I hate
this stupid place.

November 8th: If another wise ar*e cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm
going to strangle him. Bloody heat. By the time I get to work the car's
radiator was boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like
baked cat!!

November 9th: Tried to run some messages after work. Wore shorts, and sat
on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my balls were on
fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and
my ar*e.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ar*e, and baked cat.

November 10th: The weather report might as well be a bloody recording. Hot
and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything
for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next
week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water rationing will be next, so
my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool.
Even the palms can't live in this heat.

November 14th: Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 38 today. Now the air-
conditioner's gone in my car. The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot
enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to
bail my ar*e out of jail for assulting the repairman. Bloody Mackay. What
kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

December 1st: WHAT????? This is the first day of Summer???? Ya kiddin
me!!!!

You know you're in Mackay when:-

a.. The best parking space is determined by shade instead of distance.

b.. Hot water comes out of both taps.

c.. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

d.. The temperature drops below 35c and you feel a little chilly.

e.. You discover that in February it only takes two fingers to steer your
car.

f.. You discover that you can get sunburnt through your car window.

g.. You develop a fear of metal car door handles.

h.. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am..

i.. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end
up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

j.. You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.

k.. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to prevent them from
laying hard-boiled eggs.

l.. The cows are giving evaporated milk.

m.. The trees are whistling for the dogs.

n. While walking back barefoot to your car from the beach, you do a
tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark.

o. You catch a cold from having the aircon full blast while you sleep
during the night.

p. You learn that David Jones isn't a department store, its a temple to
worship air-conditioning.


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                         Do you think I'll live to be 85?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ' fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do
you think I'll live to be 85?'.

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'.

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'.

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, barbecued ribs or sausage?'.

I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'.

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, hiking,
or bicycling?'.

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, ride a Harley, or have a lot of
s*x?'.

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a sh*t?


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To the AV files now and they're from Whizzbang, Diks, Nottingham Smithie,
the Duke of Barsinov, and you know who you are.


Sponsor An Executive
 Click here

Great Gift Idea ...
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Murray, Utah - Dog Shoplifter - Very Smart Dog?
Wonder if he was Mormon?
 Click here

Cant trust a man with Christmas lights
 Click here

Pictures you don't see every day
 Click here

Cellphone.wmv
 Click here

THINK YOU'VE SEEN IT ALL? WELL NOT YET!
 Click here


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More from Nottingham and Zalaga

                                       Madonna

When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more
English.

She is now unmarried, single mother with three kids from different fathers,
one of them black.

Job done


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From Geoff

                                      Praise the Lord

There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front
porch,
raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at
the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after
her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her
front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and
I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge
bags of groceries sitting there.

'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'

The atheist neighbour jumped out of the hedges and shouted: 'THERE IS NO
LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE
LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'


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Just to finish off with, here's some other stuff I found on the web ...

                                        Pussy Fan

A guy wearing an Army football jersey walks into a bar, carrying a cat. The
cat is also dressed in a little Army jersey.

The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Army- Navy game
here? My cable is out, and my cat and I always watch the game together."

The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in my bar, but
it's not very busy right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the
end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have
to ask you to leave."

The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon
Army manages to kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar,
meows loudly, runs over to the bartender and gives him a high-five.

The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool! What does he do for a
touchdown?"

The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 3 years."


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                                  Hot times in the kitchen

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and
toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I
walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to
make love to me this very moment!'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going
to be my lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it to her
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still
around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'


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                                    Towards Congress

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure, Chief. Coming right up.'

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down
in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts
of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand,
pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter
and says to the waiter, 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says, 'Training for position in United States
Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to
clean up, disappear for rest of day.'


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                                     Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple was vacationing in the American West. Sam had always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. On the next to the last day of
their vacation, he saw the perfect boots on sale, bought them, and proudly
wore them home.

He sauntered into their hotel room and said to his wife, "Notice anything
different, Helen?"

Helen looked him over, and said: "Nope."

Sam replied excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything
different about me?"

Helen looked again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and clomped back
into the room, completely naked, except for his boots.

Again, he asked, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Helen looked up and said: "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today,
it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S
HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replied: "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam; you shoulda bought a
hat."


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Quote of the Week:


From an opinion piece in Melbourne's 'Herald Sun' 1/1/2009


 "DICK Cheney has always worn the frosted sneer of a military leader
  who opts to firebomb your house and obliterate your family, but
  only for your own good.

  He leaves office at the end of this month, probably to sit on a
  veranda somewhere to zap suspected terrorist flies with a magnifying
  glass.

  Cheney won't be apologising for the excesses of office, such as the
  controversial interrogation technique of waterboarding suspects and
  Guantanamo Bay.

  National security, he appeared to argue last week, comes before
  quaint ideals, such as the US Constitution.

  Similarly, Mick Keelty won't say in the year ahead that the AFP didn't
  bother with archaic principles in the Haneef case, such as the
  tiresome need to gather evidence before nominating a suspect to be
  charged.

  Keelty won't even publicly blush for smearing Australia's values as
  wantonly as Pauline Hanson's rant about Asians. Perhaps he is Australia's
  answer to Dick Cheney.

  No, neither men will state what we hope to hear.


Patrick Carlyon

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