Friday humour - December 26, 2008

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

A quick and dirty edit this week. No time ... No pontification either ;-)

Hoping you all had a great Christmas day, and have a good New Years
celebration.

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The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said,
'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and
left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

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Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers,
seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and
started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply
started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. He further
announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the
villagers, and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and the people started going back
to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys
became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone
catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However,
since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now
buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant said to the villagers:

“Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I
will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you
can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys
everywhere!

Now you have a further understanding of how the stock market works.

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A blunt and straight talking Yorkshire man wakes up with a sore anus, so he
goes to the village shop and says to the shop assistant, "Naa then Lad as
tha got any ar*e cream"

"Certainly Sir" says the assistant "do you want a Magnum or a Cornetto"

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Very interesting - I think you'll find it is extremely accurate!

WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???

Try it without looking at answers

1) Pick your Favourite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator)

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number.

5) Add the digits together

Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below :

1) Einstein

2) Nelson Mandela

3) Jacob Zuma

4) Tom Cruise

5) Bill Gates

6) Gandhi

7) Brad Pitt

8) Hitler

9) Steve at Bluehaze

10) Barack Obama

I know....I just have that effect on people....one day you too can be like
me....

P.S. - Stop picking different numbers. I am your idol, just deal with it !

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This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker
could say all this without a snigger (though heaven knows how many takes).

Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must
have been too much for the whining herds !! Try getting through it without
converting the spoonerisms...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were
right bugly astards.

One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they
were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would
not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her
name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with
six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise,
there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly
the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!'
said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping bar*e over ollocks, so dropping
her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the
sugly isters let him in... Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart.

'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker
over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted,
he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and
their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack
in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a
hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived
his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen
swanny!

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What's more full of sh*t than Gordon Brown?

Zimbabwe's water supply system.

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A young man recalls his first time with a condom:

I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a
Packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant
Behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly
Answered, 'No, this is my first time.' So she unwrapped the package, took
One out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was
On, tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all
Around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my
Hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on,
she
Dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come
On, she said, 'We don't have much time. So I climbed on her.
It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she
Asked
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her..................
She fainted.
Yep, just goes to show we have blonde men in society too!

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A Fairy Tale.

One day, a long, long, time ago, there lived a woman who did not whine,
nag, or bitch.

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

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Run your mouse up & down the Picture.
 Click here

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If there is a fire I want this dude rescuing me!
 Click here

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3rd World Country Bomb Squad (proof of inherited idiocy - queasy warning!)
 Click here

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Hair Dryer
 Click here

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It's Christmas around the world....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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Christmas card

 Click here

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It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, 'Hey, mamacita, let's do
Weeweechu.'

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!' said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the
perfect time,' Pedro begged.

'But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.' replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.'

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, 'OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.'

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

'Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a
Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!

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Bet your Christmas Tree won't look like this! (one for the girls)
 Click here

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Men In Training
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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Can you imagine?
 Click here

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Dementia - short and sweet.
 Click here

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Sighting In A New Rifle
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Sighting in your expensive new deer rifle
1. Shiny new, high-powered deer rifle....$1,200.00
2. Quality, high-powered scope............. $550.00
3. Bore sighting device.......................... $140.00
4. Hospital visit................................$4,893.00
5. Forgetting to remove the bore sighting device prior to actually shooting
the damned thing...Priceless  
Deer 1 Hunter 0  
"Life's tough......It's even tougher if you're stupid."
 -John Wayne

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Ready for a holiday?
 Click here

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A photo taken off a Yahoo Au Mail about a month ago. Wonder how many people
missed the spelling of Sydney as "Sidney"?
 Click here
A sign outside a greengrocer in Hobart.
 Click here

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Old joke; new format
 Click here

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Sculpture
 Click here

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Here are a few pics taken at the 2008 Frankston toy run.
 Click here Click here Click here
They won first prize for best decorated bike.

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The Sneeze
 Click here

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News worthy.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here
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Smurfs At Work... [XXish]
 Click here

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New Idea for the Xmas Turkey
 Click here
Here is a new way to prepare your Christmas Turkey.

1. Cut out aluminium foil in desired shapes.

2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully.
(see attached picture for details)

3. Roast according to your own recipe and serve.

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
Have never a lump.
May your puddings be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Christmas dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Christmas Everyone!

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Drive-line vibration
 Click here

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Some t-shirts I want...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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TOO LATE!!
 Click here

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98-year-old Mother Superior was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey
comfortable. They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused
it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle
of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank
a little, then a little more and before they knew it,
she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before
you die."

She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow."

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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