Friday humour - December 19, 2008
Well it has been my pleasure to edit this week's edition, and I would like
to wish all of you a very happy time at Christmas, stay safe and healthy
ready for whatever 2009 has in store for us. Thanks to all the numerous
contributors for this bumper edition, and best wishes to the rest of the
editorial and management team..........Nottingham Smithie
From: Allnutts The Dog House For Men
Jack Handey quotes
* The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe.
But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until
he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine
* Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell.
When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left
on the porch? A jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with
a note that says 'You.' After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no
* Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even
if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking
to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
* Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself.
Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words-'mank' and 'ind'.
What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
* It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as
simple as wild dogs.
* If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
* If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it
necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a
lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
* If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat.
Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, 'Injection? I thought you said
`inspection'.' They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of
* I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a
lot of money.'
* As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I
sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking
and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
* It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that
* I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck,
which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until
you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the
sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those
ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
Dmitri Martin musings
* "I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with
the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney.
You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I
just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'"
* "I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, 'That is
cool.' But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought,
'That is not cool'. Then I figured it out: 'Cool' is all about leather
* "'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler.
Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort
of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or
'It's a boy.'""I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that
made me laugh because it's such.a specific item. I don't know that many
I'm going out.and I have pants. Perfect!"
* "When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults."
* "Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and
other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not
sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit
- okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting
* "Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget
in a ballgown."
* "One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad
thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll.
That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car??
Carnival?? .Carburetor!?!? Man.
* "I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid
confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was
'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What
kind?!?' 'B-batteries!!!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners.
I would like de batteries.'"
* "I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong
paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to
waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."
* "I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And
that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a
crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly
* "I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the
stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I
leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually
just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes
it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said
* "My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another
chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're
stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no
problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"
* "I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you
need anything, I'm Jill". I've never met anyone with a conditional
* "The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to
* If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling
* "I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them
are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was
cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told
me her dog's name. Then Í said, "Does he bite?". She said "No." And I said,
"Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? . Liar.""
* Graffiti. I don't like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you
Like "Oh, that's how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn't have known if I had
not walked by there, thank you." Graffiti's the most passionate literature
there is, you know? It's always like "Bush sucks!", "U2 Rocks!". I want to
make indifferent graffiti. "Toy Story 2 was okay!" "I like Sheryl as a
friend, but I'm not sure about taking things further", "This is a
"That guy's right!"
* If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes,
or act juicy.
* What do you call someone who can't tell the difference between a spoon
and a ladle? Fat.
At the end of a tiny, deserted bar in the Northern Territory is a huge
Aboriginal bloke, 2 metres tall and 150 kilos, muscles in his jocks. He's
having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously homos*xual man
walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers the gay bloke finally plucks up the courage to
say something to the big Aboriginal. Leaning over towards the Aboriginal
he whispers, "Do you want a blow-job?"
At this the massive Aboriginal leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks
the man in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to
beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and
battered in the car park, then returned to his seat at the bar.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you
react like that," he says "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure," the big Aboriginal replies, "something about a job...."
Merry Xmas one & all!
From: Croydon Caz
Tramp O Clause
Every year....here it comes!
From: Croydon Caz
Merry Christmas Friday!
From: Croydon Caz
Santa's Deer - all of them
From: Duke of Barsinov
Two short stories.........Just the thing to brighten a Winter's morning!
1. Police report that a burglary took place last night when thieves broke
into Sunderland Football Club's headquarters and stole the entire contents
of the trophy cabinet. They are looking for a man in possession of a piece
of green baize cloth!
2. (The Mumbai jokes have started!) Security services have warned that the
next Indian city to be targeted will be Bradford. They fear there may be
heavy casualties among the remaining white inhabitants - both of them!
T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE,
MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY,
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO,
IN THIS HOME, DID LIVE.
I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.
NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES,
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.
WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT,
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.
FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.
THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR,
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.
THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED,
AN AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER.
WAS THIS THE HERO,
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?
I REALISED THE FAMILIES,
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS,
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.
SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE,
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.
THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM,
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.
I COULDN'T HELP WONDER,
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE,
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.
THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT,
A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES,
AND STARTED TO CRY.
THE SOLDIER AWAKENED,
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
"SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;
I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."
THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.
I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL,
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED,
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.
I DID NOT WANT TO LEAVE,
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR,
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.
THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."
ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,
AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
Alert re new "anagram" virus:
The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via
any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you
should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest bottle shop and purchase one or all of
the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) , Complete Health
And Mind Purging Anti Guilt Negating Enzyme ( CHAMPAGNE ) or Bothersome
Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until
WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you
do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.
From: Nottingham Smithie
Click here I just saw this product
advertised on the TV, I thought it was a joke, so checked it out, and it is
From: Nottingham Smithie
Darth Vader & Luke Skywalker having a lightsabre fight.
Vader says - Skywalkker, I know what you're getting for Christmas...
Luke says - no you don't!
Vader says - Jedi, I know what's under the tree!
Skywalker says - No way Vader!
Vader retorts - Freedom fighter, I know what's in Santa's sack!
Luke shuts off his lightsabre, squares up to Vader & says: How can you
possibly know what I'm getting for Chritmas Vader?
...I felt your presents!
From: Nottingham Smithie
PSALM OF THE FIDDLER
The DSS is my shepherd, I shall not want
It alloweth me to lie down in its lodging houses
It catcheth me out in false statements (smack - smack)
Yet restoreth all benefits
It guideth me onto the paths of human rights,
For it's name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of the fraud's office
I will fear no evil; their court systems art with me.
It prepareth legal aid for me in the presence of its magistrate - who
setteth me free;
It annointeth my head with more GIROS,
My cup runneth over,
Surely free housing and dosh will follow me all the days of my life
And I will dwell in this land of plenty forever.
From: Nottingham Smithie
The Mom Song
Go to this link - Click here
From: Nottingham Smithie
Australian guy +++ Possible duplicate text in FH issue 20020219 - 16 words
although she is attracted to him she says no he then offers to ...
+++ Possible duplicate text in FH issue 20051125 - 25 words beginning:
remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree this ...
+++ Possible duplicate text in FH issue 20051125 - 17 words beginning:
so she goes over and sits next to him she asks him where hes ...
FW: Australian guyAn Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands
He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As
she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course
of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she
wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for
$200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if
she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out
of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia .
' Melbourne ', he tells her.
'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.
'Glen Iris' he replies.
'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'
' Cameo Street ' he replies.
'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;
'Number 20', he replies.
She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she
screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'
'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'
From: Nottingham Smithie
Beware of the Doghouse
T.B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Newcastle, NSW was asked on
a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of
torture of the Iraqi prisoners.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause
from the audience.
'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will
save just one Australians life, then I have just three things to say,'
'Red is positive, Black is negative, and Make sure his nuts are wet.'
Look!!! It's my parking spot
Click here Click here Click here
No pilot... Amazing story under picture!
This is a photo of the Global Hawk UAV that
from the war zone recently under its own
( Iraq to Edwards AFB in CA) -
Not transported via C5 or C17.....
Notice the mission paintings on the fuselage.
It's actually over 250 missions...
(and I would suppose 25 air medals).
That's a long way for a remotely-piloted
Think of the technology (and the required
of the data link to fly it remotely). Not
but the pilot controlled it from a nice warm
panel at Edwards AFB. Really long legs- can
up for almost 2 days at altitudes above 60k.
The Global Hawk was controlled via satellite;
missions during OT&E that went from Edwards
to upper Alaska and back non-stop. Basically,
come into the fight at a high mach # in mil
fire their AMRAAMS, and no one ever sees them
paints with radar.
There is practically no radio chatter because
guys in the flight are tied together
and can see who is targeting who, and they
AWACS direct input and 360 situational
from that and other sensors The aggressors
morale problem before it was all over. It is
superiority what the jet engine was to
It can taxi, take off, fly a mission, return,
taxi on it's own. No blackouts, no fatigue,
tubes, no ejection seats, and best of all, no
dead pilots, no POWs?
Pretty cool !!!
Oh my gawd!
READ BEFORE opening and WATCHING THE VIDEO
The 3,150 m long Lefortovo tunnel in Russia , (near Poland ) is the longest
in-city tunnel in all of Europe . It is nicknamed 'The Tunnel of Death.'
See for yourself why. There is a river running over the tunnel and water
leaks through in some areas. When the temperature reaches 0 degrees
Centigrade, as it does during the winter in Russia , the road freezes and
becomes as slippery as ice .
The result is the attached video, which was taken during a single day with
the tunnel surveillance camera.
Congratulations to the dual-carriage bus driver -- imagine the passengers
in the back. What a ride!
Have a great day!
Don't lick the copier.
A romantic epic.
Lara was contemplating laxative solutions in the African Bush, when the
solution crept up on her.
From: Croydon Caz
Winter in Finland
From: Croydon Caz
A kiss under the mistletoe
Chinese recall on breast implants....turn up volume!
Discrimination in America
Once again discrimination rears its ugly head........
Will it never end?
Letter to Santa
Little Billy sent a letter to Santa:
Please send me a baby brother.
Santa wrote back:
"Send me your mother..."
How to tell if it's cold
enough to put up the
This says it all.............
Someone out there cares about you..................
One Wild Christmas
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.)
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and I
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll
that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the
car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult . "Love Dolls" come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll"
took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling
pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies
and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home,
and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest
of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something
like that?" Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that
turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into the dining
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could
have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride
in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me
and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by
the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise
like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the
flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down
her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder
drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas!!
From: KRP from Coffs Harbour
Eggs on toast alfresco.
CHERNOBYL---20 YEARS LATER] xxxxxx
a gruesome reminder of the dangers of nuclear power.
A couple buying a new car
Click here Click here
Now this is really freaky!!!!
Mr. Bean in Hell
20 Things You didn't know about Recycling
From: Nottingham Smithie
Wedding Cakes in Kuwait
New Christmas Carol
Proposition - good
I've been a fan for several years now but have never contributed.
I had a bit of time on my hands recently and put together a presentations
of bingles I had seen or been shown by a network of mates from the
Sugar Industry Cane Railways.
Some of the photos are scanned from old prints, some are not great qaulity,
but, what the hell. It sums up life as a cane train driver.
I'm no computer wizard and the file is reasonably large. Maybe you can
reduce it to a manageable size if you believe it is a worthy contribution.
To My Bank
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the
moment, I was wondering if you could advise me.
If one of my checks is returned marked "insufficient funds," how do I know
whether that refers to me or to you?
[ End friday humour ]
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