Friday humour - December 12, 2008

From Burnout @ BlueHaze.

Well Christmas is just around the corner now & the silly season is becoming
sillier this year as the world economy heads south, west or where ever it
goes when it gets the flu.
We at FH will get a huge crop Xmas/New Year stuff to edit and insert for
your gratification, edification & amusement. So I wish you all the best
for the season and a kinder, more generous, gracious New Year.

========================================================================

From Allnutts who's been a huge contributor over the years to FH:

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas
pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all
the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice
had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.


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Subject: 20 Seniors Benefits explained.
Note: In large print to make this easier to read.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

9. You can live without s*x (but not without glasses).

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.

15. You sing along with the elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them anyways.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable level.


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From: Billm

BELIEVE it or not,
These are Nashville, TN's REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on
the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and
cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table
and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of
it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of
it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an
eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favourite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...
I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

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From: Burnout

The coach of Collingwood Football Club gets wind of a potential new young
recruit who lives in Afghanistan.

He and the Magpie Recruiting Manager thumb a lift with the RAAF to the war
torn country and track the young man down.

Risking life and limb dodging bombs, bullets, RPGs and grenades they
finally find the lad and convince him to come to Australia. The boy does a
full pre-season, plays all the practice matches and gets picked for the
senior's bench for the first game of the year. Ten minutes into the first
quarter,
the centre half forward goes down with a severe knee injury. The coach
turns to the young lad and says ' This is it son, take the centre half
forward position and show us what you can do!'

The lad takes the field and plays the greatest debut game in AFL history.
He kicks 9 goals, takes the mark of the year and kicks the winning goal
after the siren from outside 50.

The Pies chair him off the ground and give him three cheers. Back in the
dressing room, the Coach tells the rest of the team what the young Taliban
boy has been through and that he is a model for all youth in Melbourne. He
then pulled the boy aside and tells him to ring his mother and tell her
what he did today.

The boy phones his mother and says 'Mum! Guess what I did today!'

'I don't care what you did today' said his mother 'I'll tell YOU what
happened here today while you were out wasting time! - Your Dad was
stabbed and robbed, the house was torched, our car blown up, your sister
attacked and your brother abducted!'

'By the beard of the prophet mother' said the boy ' I feel a bit
responsible for what happened in my absence'.

His mother replied before slamming the phone down 'So you should
be!.......If it wasn't for you, we would never have moved to Collingwood
in the first place!'
-------------------------
A charity pantomime for Paranoid Schizophrenics ended in chaos yesterday
after someone shouted "he's behind you"


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From: Moose (One of our oldest contributers - ED)

                   9 Things I Hate About Everyone


1.  People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....  I know
where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?


2  People who are willing to get off their ass to search the  entire room
for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk  to the T.V. and change
the channel  manually.


3  When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it  too'.
Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4  When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!


5  When  people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No
Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6  People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?


7.  When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it,  couldn't be new.


8  When  people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?



9  When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus  come
yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?


***  Forward this to at least 5 people and see what comes on your screen,
you will laugh your head off!!!!!!! This works. I  don't know how...


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From: Nottingham Smithie

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighbouring ranch and
knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied.
'He went into town.
'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the
other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know where
all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a
message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably,
'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting
my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that',
he finally conceded.
'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for
the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

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(Interesting - The last time I saw this one, it was about George W Bush;
Brown the British Prime Minister seems to be as popular - ED)

Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Brown if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

Thus the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would
be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Gordon - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Gordon - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Gordon searched the room. 'Isn't there anyone here who can give me an
example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Jeremy raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr Darling to
Afghanistan or Iraq was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to
smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!'


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From: Seasoldier

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when
you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or
not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date
experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... And the guy had taken
her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had
never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they
were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an
hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her
companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point
where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road,
or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants
down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about
was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she
bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were
firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles
immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the
icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due
to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply
that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her
sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out
laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to
compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as
the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.*

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the
grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only
one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time
date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands
down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first
date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new
meaning to being p*ssed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
sitting next to her on the Leno show.

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From: Stumpy Steve who announces:

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong
and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in
the bank, I'm going to f*ck the goat and throw the paint over the walls,
all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off.
After getting the money, I'll take a sh*t on the floor and p*ss
everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink c*ck.

Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that.

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Mothers always know just what to say:

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his s*xuality from his
parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen
cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and
said, "Mum, I have something to tell you.......................I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response and the son was about to
repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot
she was stirring and said calmly.
"You're gay... doesn't that mean you have oral s*x with other men?" The son
said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right." His mother went back to
stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the
head with her spoon and said..................

"Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!!!"


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I rang up my local swimming baths the other day. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

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From: Whizzbang, (a long time FH'er, whose contribution has been huge over
many years - ED)

One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops In front of the
holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away
his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the
priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, 'Son, you've just witnessed a
miracle. Tell me, where is this man?

'Flat on his ar*e, Father, over by the holy water.'


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From: Zalaga

Atlanta Airport

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South.  Some of
you will enjoy this more than  others...   Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC:  'Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound
on runway 9R

Saudi Air: 'Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R - Allah be Praised.'

Atlanta ATC: 'Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on
runway  9R.'

Iran Air: 'Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's
runway 9R. - Allah is Great.'

Pause...

Saudi Air: ' ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC'

Atlanta ATC: 'Go ahead Saudi Air 511.'

Saudi Air: 'YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING
IN
OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.'

Atlanta ATC: 'Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful
now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- '


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From: anonymous
Subject: A Modern Parable.

A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided
to have a canoe race on the Missouri River Both teams practiced long and
hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the
reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior
management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person
steering,
while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting
company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while
not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another
loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally
reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and
1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people
rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing
Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the
rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other
equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension
program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant
savings were channelled into morale boosting programs and teamwork
posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development
of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and cancelled all capital
investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the
Senior Executives as bonuses.

The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to
even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for
unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's
racing team was out-sourced to
India .

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years
moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money
paying American wages.

TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants
inside the US. The last quarter's results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting bonuses... and
now wants the Government to 'bail them out'.

IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY!


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Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new  definition.

 Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an as*hole.

 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.

 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.


 The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its
yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings
for common words.

And the winners are:

 1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

 2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.

 3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

 5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.  (I like this one).

 6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.

 7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp

 8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavoured mouthwash.

 9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run
over by a steamroller.

 10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

 11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.

 16. Circ*mvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
men

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An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated
each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep
into the night.

The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the
grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbours
feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many
strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he
died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went
straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he
may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to
haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside
down......'

Bloody women they think of everything!!!!


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Now its time for the files stuff; A huge pile we have for you to saviour
this week:

From: Croydon Caz (Whose been around for ever - ED)

Brave, brave dog...

 Click here

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From: Burnout
Yep, I got there...... been there ever since.

 Click here

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From: Allnutts

1977 - 2008
I didn't want to be the only depressed person today ........ !  So I
thought
I would share this e-mail with you.


Send only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to
it...

1977: Long hair
2008 : Longing for hair
 Click here

1977: KEG
 Click here

2008: ECG
 Click here


1977: Acid rock
 Click here

2008 : Acid reflux
 Click here


1977: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
 Click here Click here

2008:   Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
 Click here Click here

1977: Seeds and stems
 Click here

2008: Roughage
 Click here

1977: Going to a new, hip joint
 Click here

2008: Receiving a new hip joint
 Click here


1977: Rolling Stones
 Click here

2008: Kidney Stones
 Click here

1977: Screw the system
 Click here

2008: Upgrade the system
 Click here

1977: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
 Click here

2008: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
 Click here

1977: Passing the drivers' test
 Click here

2008: Passing the vision test
 Click here

1977: Whatever
 Click here

2008: Depends
 Click here


Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change
things.

The people who are starting university this year were born in 1992.
 Click here

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
 Click here

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
 Click here

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
 Click here

The CD was introduced the 3 years before they were born.
 Click here

They have always had an answering machine
 Click here

They have always had Pay TV.
 Click here

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
 Click here

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
 Click here

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
 Click here

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
 Click here

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
 Click here

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
 Click here

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
 Click here


Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.
Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...
 Click here

It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive
and kicking!!!!

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I love this logic!!!
 Click here

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 Click here

 Click here

Getting old is great isn't it? ha-ha

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From: Anonymous
Places where you won't find Bob Granato (Who ever he is - ED).

 Click here


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Where does women's money go?? (Billm reckons he's found out)

 Click here

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Croydon Caz
Still here
 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

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Bad day at the office?

(These are SO funny I just had to put them up again- ED)

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

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From: Davo
MEN! Multitasking

 Click here


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From: Diks (Been a contributor forever - ED)
How to load a boat onto a pickup

1. Load up beer, 2-3 ice chests full  
2. Relax, have beer. 
3. Hook boat trailer to truck
4. Drink lots of beer
5. Drive real fast
6. Hit light pole (needs to be a solid one)
7. Boat will load it self onto truck.
8. Relax, have another beer. 


 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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Is this cheating? (X)

To all you snooker and pool players...The question has come up

"Is this Cheating?

 Click here
 

It really doesn't matter to me......I was just wondering?

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Polish Polar Bear Club.............

 Click here


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New Pheasant Hunting Shirt.........

 Click here


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Christmas organ music...adult humour (XX - ED)

 Click here

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From: Kaos_reflex
Just don't lick me there:

 Click here

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Right place & right time:

 Click here

 Click here

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From: Moose
Nintendo Wii

 Click here


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Impossible Back Flip.

 Click here

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Aussie Christmas tree

 Click here

 Click here


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Subject: Don't Ever question the bravery of soldiers again

Worlds bravest Soldier!

 Click here


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From: Muse (Been a contributor forever - ED)

Subject: The National Anthem - Awesome! (The US one - ED)

The Star Spangled Banner... great version. This was at Texas Tech
University
Basketball game. The National Anthem is sung by five young ladies. An
entire arena remains completely silent throughout the song. You could hear
a pin drop. The two young ladies on the right are six years old. The two in
the middle are seven and the one on the left is eight.

 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
Subject: The Dildo Song NOT FOR KIDS.(XXX)

 Click here


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Subject: Pig

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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Wizzbang's Christmas Jokes:

 Click here


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Subject: Speaking to Kiwis

 Click here


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From: Zalaga

Subject: TREASURY LEAK (Where the Pound is in Crisis - ED)

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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Subject: Some things should come with instructions

 Click here

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A name to remember

 Click here

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From: anonymous (You know who you are - ED)
Subject: The movie sequel all men are waiting for . . .

 Click here

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Subject: From Funpic.hu

 Click here

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Best Casino Ad

 Click here


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Twins separated at birth! CLASSIC AND PLAUSABLE!

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Good Christmas One

I can relate to this - definitely!!

 Click here

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 And lastly from: Burnout, your ED for this week:
Aussies
 Click here

The Third Race
 Click here

Frosty caught again......
 Click here


King Billy, Moreton & the Goat
 Click here


What's in a Name...
 Click here

Christmas Lights
 Click here

And because it's tough times all round this year:

A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas
serving behind the counter.

"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at
the North Pole preparing for the big day?"

Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and
chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he
just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a
living.

"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the
recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I
had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just
lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and
subcontracted out to Toll. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in,
asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."

"Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out
of Christmas in a way."

"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my
woes. What can I get you?"

The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."

"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do
instead?"


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This is the last Edit of Friday Humour I'll be doing this year - 2008; its
been fun and at times tedious putting it all together for our readers to
enjoy.
I'd just like to thank the other members of the FH Management Team, Davo,
Digi Steve & Smithie, who manage this site week after week, for our laughs
and chuckles.

To you three blokes a Special Christmas Greeting and all the very best for
the New Year, I look forward to 2009 and working with you again.

To all you Blue Hazers, you who make this worth while, all the best for the
season & I hope you get what's coming to you!

Merry Christmas.



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[ End friday humour ]

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