Friday humour - December 05, 2008

[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


Despite the world financial crisis, Australia's had a good year under a
more focussed altruistic fairer and moral government.  Next year it's
America's turn.

It's nice to know that the era of lies aggression and fear under the
Coalition of the Wankers (Bush, Blair, and Howard) is soon to be behind us.

Merry Christmas and Seasons Greetings to all FH readers.

Spend up and be happy!!


First up this week is from Allnutts

                                      The Godfather

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten
million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job
in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear
anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the 10 million bucks he
embezzled from me is?'

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper. The bookkeeper
signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.'

The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and
says, 'Ask him again!'

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you dont tell

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!'

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?' The attorney
replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'

Don't you just love lawyers?


These came from Billm

                          Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards
the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a
friend. Everything is riding on this question...... will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!' 'Which of the following birds does NOT
build its own nest?'

A: Sparrow B: Thrush C: Magpie D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone
me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate, and told
him the circ*mstances and rep eated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple...... it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit
Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is
the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that
doesn't build its own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'


                          2 books for student assignment

One student turned in the following book report, With the proposition that
they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99 Clinton:..... Cost - $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read Clinton:.... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe. Clinton:.... The story of Bill and Monica, their
forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist. Clinton:..... Bill is a bullsh*t

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton:.... Ditto

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton:....
Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton:.... Monica' s forced
to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton:.....
Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton:.....
Monica... ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton :..... Bill goes
home to Hilary - basically the same thing.


And from Croydon Caz

                                      Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.


                                       Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all
could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on tele this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace
is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house
to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the
house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of
shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies,
tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an
a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned
ov inr pece.


Moose sent in this one

Dear Friends

Just before the end of the year, I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you
have forwarded to me over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat sh*t in
the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But
that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are
sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the
senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars
with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to
seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore
and Uzbekistan .

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is
lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it
probably was placed there by a s*x molester waiting underneath my car to
grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this
afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way.... a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough s*x, always read
their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


And from Stumpy Steve

                                       L'il Old Lady

The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember
this story.

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of
a s*x shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet
across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she
asks the sales clerk: 'Dddooo youuuu hhhave ddddiillldosss?'

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing replies 'Yes we do
have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'

The old lady then asks: 'Ddddoooo yyyouuuu cccarrry aaa pppinnkk oonnee,
ttteeennn iincches lllong aaanndd aabbbooouutt ttwwoo iincchess tthiicck.
aaand rruuns bbby bbbaatteerrieeess?'

The clerk responds: 'Yes we do.'

She asks: 'Ddddooo yyyoouuu kknnooww hhhooww tttooo ttuuurrnn tthhe
sssunnoffaaabbiittch offff?


I don't believe it.

Apparently, according to a news report I've just heard, the Mumbai
shootings were carried out by a group  of Islamic militants.

Get away!


What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She choked


Things are looking up for 2009.

Starting a senior management job with Woolworths, luxury new kitchen fitted
by MFI and have  just won a holiday to stay at the luxury Taj Mahal Palace
hotel in Mumbai.


I had a fairytale childhood. My Grandma was eaten by a wolf.


Building a cellar under your house : 10000Euros

Soundproofing that cellar and making it invisible to unaware persons in
your house, including your own wife : 8000Euros

Buying your wife jewellery and other gifts to take her mind off asking
about that cult your daughter joined : 500Euros p/a

Medical textbooks detailing the correct methods of delivering a baby :

Having an Englishman break your record, without spending a penny, when you
haven't even held it for a year : Priceless


Apparently tourists were stuck in their hotel bathrooms for nearly two days
in Mumbai.

So no change there then.


                                  THE GUNFIGHTER ...

A cowboy sitting in a saloon one Sat*rday night, recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the
fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and
told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the
bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot.

'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in
a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the
barrel of his gun. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the
gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'


This is from Zalaga in Sherwood Forest

                                   Speakah Da English

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, But her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them Say the following:

Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed s*x obsessed pig,' She
retorted indignantly. In this country, we don't speak aloud In public
places about our s*x lives.'

Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta s*x? I'm a justa
tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi'.'

$5.00 Says You're Gonna Read This Again


This one came from Biggus (aka Fifi)

          Guys: 5 Sexual Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire

Between being married a long time, and also being a woman, I can tell you
guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon.
They aren't difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the s*xiest
I can think of... and I have quite the imagination...

So. Are you ready? Are you all that is man? Wipe that drop of drool from
the corner of your mouth and read on....

Technique #1 : Wet Hands

Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Cetainly one of the most popular among
most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave
her breathless.

* Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented
dish liquid. Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh. There are many
very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is
completely up to you.
* With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get
the cloth very wet.
* Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth
across the surface of it.. over and over again.
* Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with

Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby

This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys... It is a little
more difficult and takes a little more muscle. Extra credit on this one if
you wear a black "wife beater" shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?

* Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you
want to.
* Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
* Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will
know when to move to a new spot.
* Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.

Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game This game is pretty easy, although you
will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin' your game on. If
you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few
minutes you will be o. k. until the end.

* You will need two piles... no I did not say poles, I said piles.
* Put everything white and light colored in one and everything dark colored
in the other.
* Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is
imperative... use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
* Add the light pile. Close the lid.
* Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are
waiting for it to finish
* Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water.
* Quick note: If your wife is screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Don't stop what
you are doing.. that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is
frustrating for women.

Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down

This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or
during a chaotic afternoon. She can't say no to this.

* When you put the toilet seat up.... put it back down.
* Every time.

I know... I know.. you almost can't take any more verbal titillation. Good
thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible...
it definitely saves the best for last.

Technique #5: Tonight It's Oral Gratification

This will take some time to master. Work on it while using other techniques
several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she
least expects it. If you all ready know this technnique you should be
using it to it's full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.

* Learn to cook a whole meal.
* When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably
aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.
* While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (hot dogs and popcorn
does not count)
* While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed
to technique #1.

You don; t have to thank me... no.. really. Good luck guys.


To the AV files now ... and they're from Croydon Caz, Muse, Diks,
Billm, Allnutts, Moose, Davo, Mitta, Nottingham Smithie, and Trina.

Get your hankies out girls.....
 Click here

A review of my garden pals this year xx
 Click here

Black Hole?  Very Interesting.....
 Click here

Gordon Brown's Downfall - The prequel
 Click here

Celebrity Mansions
John Travolta [image001.jpg]
Halle Berry [image002.jpg]
Oprah [image003.jpg]
Oprah's got 14 bathrooms and 10 fireplaces in this $55 mil Montecito , CA
J-lo &Marc Anthony [image004.jpg]
Arnold &Maria Schwarzenegger [image005.jpg]
Eddie Murphy [image006.jpg]
Billy Joel [image007.jpg]
Hugh Hefner [image008.jpg]
Brad Pitt [image009.jpg]
Sylvester Stallone [image010.jpg]
Jerry Sienfeld [image011.jpg]
OJ Simpson [image012.jpg]
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Extreme Sports Physics
 Click here

Watching a disaster
 Click here

Toronto Stock Exchange Chrhistmas Card
 Click here

Dunny humour
 Click here Click here Click here

Granny's Back
 Click here Click here

Happy As A Pig In........
 Click here

A Wave or two............
 Click here

Weather Report
 Click here

Santa Quits (XXX Language)
 Click here

A very lucky penguin!
 Click here

 Click here

Hubby of the year pictorial awards......
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Click here

Special Merry Christmas.......
 Click here

Perfect Gift for the Golfer
 Click here

They finally did it
 Click here

Seems a sheep farmer was puzzled about the disappearance of some sheep on
his farm.
After a few weeks the farmer decided to put up an electric fence.
About a week later, this is what he found!
Now, I know we've all heard of people being eaten by snakes & I bet most of
us have said,
'If a snake tried to eat me, I'd blah, blah, blah & get away.'
Well, this is a Python & they're extremely aggressive & have a few teeth
that they use to hold their prey while they wrap around them & then
Could you get away if this one bit you & held on with it's 'few teeth?'
(Note: The wires are 10 inches apart.)
 Click here Click here

Boob celebration [ R rated ]
 Click here Click here

 Click here

Construction Industry Best Practice Data
 Click here

One wish...
 Click here

Yes, they are really doing this... please tell me it's something
 Click here

 Click here

Anyone for a s*x change???
 Click here

A little christmas spirit....
 Click here

Transparent Clothes
 Click here

Good news From Allah
Bali bomber Imam Samudra has just met with the first of his 72 virgins that
Allah promised!!
 Click here

Something to brighten your day
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Christmas lights - Over The Top, and then some!
 Click here

Bogan xmas tree - Love this one!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Back to asccii with this from Burnout

                                      Gone Fishing

A doctor in Killarney wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he
approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take
care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:

'So, Murphy, how was your day?' Murphy told him that he took care of three
patients. 'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him
Paracetamol..' 'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir'
Murphy. 'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?'
asks the doctor. 'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open
and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the
blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra
and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:
ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put the drops in her eyes.'


And from London Muse

                                       Ammo Dump

Some "dirtbag" in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine
traffic stop ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy
was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.

Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A statewide manhunt

The offender was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team
officers fired and hit the guy 68 times.

Now here's the question: Naturally, the media asked why they shot him 68
times. Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel:

"That's all the bullets we had!"


Finally some stuff from Whizzbang

                                      Two Couples

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some
cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he
noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the
table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She
said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you �500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim
didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p. m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p. m. sharp
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p. m. And upon arriving, asked his
wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'

Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He
came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised
he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.


Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock ( MADE IN JAPAN
) for 6am . While his coffeepot ( MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved
with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ).
He put on a dress shirt ( MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans( MADE IN
SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes ( MADE IN KOREA ).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet ( MADE IN INDIA )
he sat down with his calculator ( MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he
could spend today.

After setting his watch( MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio ( MADE IN INDIA) he
got in his car ( MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with Petrol from Saudi Arabia
and continued his search for a good paying Australian JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his
Computer (Made In Malaysia ), Joe decide to relax for a while.. He put on
his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL ) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN
FRANCE.! ) and turned on his TV ( MADE IN INDONESIA ), and then wondered
why he can't find a good paying job in ... Australia.....



An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging her

After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change,
yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat

The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly....'fluctuations'.

The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says, 'fluck you Aussies too'


                           HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES?

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What
the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party
atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could
charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the
including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would
see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset

Why didn't Bush and Rudd think of this? Why do I still have to do
everything myself?


                                Guido, the Italian lover

A virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his
favorite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young
blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his
apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he
rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile,
"So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she
thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The s*x finally
ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him
and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido
reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely
managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping
the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head,
he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, "No, I


Quote of the Week:

  "You would like to put this in this weeks edition, I'm sure!"


Oh yes,  ...    and here it is  ...

The Irish SAS have just stormed Mumbai Zoo and freed all the Ostriches!


[ End friday humour ]

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