Friday humour - November 28, 2008

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

It seems we may be just beginning the inevitable slide into the mire of
financial misery not contributed to by nearly all of us.
Citibank is the latest to buckle at the knees. I wonder if the collective
'we' will get the message this time round. Building businesses on debt is
like building houses on sand - hang on a minute, that analogy was used a
long time ago. Nothing learned then ...

What really peeves me is that Rudd and Obama (and others) will spend their
best years frantically trying to dig us out. But then,
maybe we would not have voted them in if the Vandals werent already at the
gates.

My favourite for this week is to remind us that until January, this guy is
still in charge and anything can happen ....
We'll miss him ... Like a toothache ...
 Click here
Double shame on you too.

This week's collection is courtesy of Allnutts, Biggus, Billm, Burnout,
Diks, Duke of Barsinov, Megazorch, Mitta, Moose, Stumpy
Steve and Whizzbang.

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A man returns from a trip to Shanghai and is feeling very ill. He goes to
see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a
series of tests. The man wakes up after these tests in a private room at
the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results
back from your test and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious
deadly disease known as G.A.S.H."

"G.A.S.H?" replies the man. "What in the hell is that?"

"It's a combination of Gonorrheae, AIDS, SARS and Herpes," explains the
doctor. "My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to
do?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a strict diet of Pizza, Pancakes,
Quesadillas and Pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me?"

"Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under
the door."

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My Dear Friend,

Your application to join our online dating agency has been officially
rejected.

One of the questions we asked on the application was:

'What do you like most in a woman?'

'My d*ck' is not an appropriate answer!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Words not in the dictionary

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines

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A bloke loses both his ears in a particularly vicious rugby scrum. They get
trampled into the ground and no-one can find them. He visits a plastic
surgeon pleading for new ears. The surgeon says "I have no donor parts at
the moment to construct you some new ears, I'm afraid".

The bloke pleads with him to sort something out. The surgeon says that he
has two odd ears, one from a lurcher dog and one from a pig.

"It'll look a little weird" says the surgeon, "but they're better than
nothing at all."

The bloke agrees and has the surgery. He returns to see the surgeon a
fortnight later to tell him how it's going.

"This one," the bloke says pointing to the lurcher ear, "is bloody amazing.
I can hear people whistling five miles away!"

"But this one" he says pointing to the pigs ear, "has a bit of cracklin' in
it!"

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I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound.
I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer!

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Two gay men are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorilla and
notice that the male gorilla has a MASSIVE erection. The gay men are
fascinated by this, whereby one of the men, who just can't bear it any
longer, reaches into the cage to touch it. Immediately, the gorilla grabs
him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop,
while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by. When the gorilla has
finished its rodgering, it throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is
called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
 
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you
hurt?'   

'AM I HURT?' he shouts, 'Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called....he hasn't
written....'

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Bloke goes into a bar and shouts out "Landlord! a pint for me, a pint for
you and a pint for everyone in the bar"

A great cheer goes up, and there is a massive surge to the bar. This
happens every hour, and soon people are flocking to the pub.

Anyways, at the end of the night, there's the landlord left with the bloke.
Landlord says to him "well thanks very much for an excellent night, that'll
be £1865.50 please".

Bloke replies "April fool! Hah, its good innit."

With that, the landlord sees red, and beats the sh*t out of the idiot.

Next day, back in walks this bloke, he's got a fat lip, black eye, can
hardly talk, and he says to the landlord "a pint for me, a pint for
everyone in the bar, but you're not having any, cos you get bloody stroppy
after a few beers"

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English man, Irish man & Scotts man sat at a bar and they start reminiscing
about their favourite old pubs.

Scotts man says 'Well there's a pub back home where after every fifth pint
the landlord would give you a free shot of your favourite malt'...

'Aye, that's good' agree the English and Irish men.

English man pipes up 'but there's a pub in my home town where I used to get
a free chaser with every pint I ordered'

'That's the best' said the Scotts man.

The Irish fella pipes up 'No there's a better pub than that.... back in
Dublin there's a pub where you get all your drinks for free and at the end
of the night you get to have s*x with anyone you like!'

'Bloody hell!' exclaims the English man, 'Where's that? Have you been
there?'

The Irish man replies 'I've not been there yet... my sister told me about
it.'

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[this one not seen since 2002 - wonder why ... Ed.]

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in
Britain, my work has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40
years of age on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPEd can apply to management to be eligible for the
SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPEd and SHAFTed will be reviewed under the SCREW
scheme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPEd once, SHAFTed twice and SCREWed as many times as
Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPEd can only get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired
Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed
any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity
Training) as possible.

Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives
employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this
anomaly to the attention of your Supervisor.

They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses &
lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people
are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

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One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Ave, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said "I'm sorry Sir, but Mr. Bush is no
longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with
President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no
longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again just walked away

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same US Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the
president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love
hearing it. "

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow,
Sir."

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Somalian pirates steal a ship full of oil. Two days later, oil is being
sold at three year low. And they wonder why they live in poverty - their
business skills are f*cking awful.

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Dear Mr. Debt Collector,

I have received your super heated letter in regards to the bill I owe you.
You said the bill should have been paid a long time ago,
and you don't understand why it hasn't been. Well, I will enlighten you. In
1999, I bought a sawmill on credit. I bought an oxen team, a timber cart,
two ponies, a shotgun, a wine toaster, a colt revolver, and four razorback
hogs all on credit.

In 2000, the sawmill burned down and didn't leave a damn thing. One of my
ponies died and the other one I loaned to an illiterate moron who starved
him to death. In 2001, my father died and my mother was hung for horse
stealing. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the
bill of 88.00 to keep the little bastard from becoming a relative of mine.
In 2002, my son got the mumps, they went down on him and the doctor had to
castrate him to save his life.

That summer, I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest
damn catfish you've ever seen. One of my sons drowned but not the one that
was castrated. My wife ran away with some heavy hung Texan and left me
with 3 small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to cut down
on my income tax and expenses. I had trouble getting her to reach a
climax. The doctor said to try creating some excitement just as she was
beginning to come. That night, I took my shotgun to bed with me and just
as she was beginning to come I pointed out the window and pulled the
trigger. Well I ruptured myself, shot the best damn cow I ever owned and
my wife sh*t all over the bed.

Then I took to drinking and didn't stop until all I had left was my pocket
watch and kidney trouble. After that, all I did was wind my watch and
p*ss. Things really got worse then. My wife caught the clap from the
milkman and my son wiped his ass on a corn cob with rat poison and some
one shot the nuts off my best bull.

Then I decided to go into business for myself. I ordered six bee hives from
sears roebuck. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit. The
queen bee died so I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and
started to run around with a horse fly.
The honey started to taste like sh*t and I couldn't see it.

So then, Mr. Collector, you say If I don't pay, you will cause me trouble.
Right now, if it cost two cents to take a sh*t I would have to puke.

Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcats
ass with a hot poker. But you are welcome to try.

Signed,

Paul

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An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch
several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running
late?"

"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing
it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"

The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing
panties!''

The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody things running about an
hour fast, can I buy you a drink?

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Irish humour

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years,
but he will kill any man who does.

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks Murphy's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among
themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

An American lawyer asked, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'
'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.

Question - Why are Irish Jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'

Irish lass customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?'
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the
vase on the mantle piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm getting closer all the time.'

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in
the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.. 'Quick!' He said. 'Send
an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'

'O'Ryan,' asked the druggist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your
wife's appearance?'
'It did surely,' replied O'Ryan, 'but it keeps fallin' off!'

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their s*xual relations to arrive?

My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your s*x life
and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights
of theirs?
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Notice:

Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil,
as well as current market conditions, the Light at the
End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

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Useless Information!

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is
the male sperm.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men that read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Willard Wigan micro sculptor
 Click here

Turkey Shoot
 Click here

Drunk Builders & Mad Architects
 Click here

WRX
 Click here

Couch Racing
 Click here

Stuck for a Xmas gift idea?
 Click here

Boxing fan
 Click here

Just when you think its ok to take that picture (Xish)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Israeli GPS Commercial
 Click here

Miscellaneous pics
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Greg Norman's Yacht vs Tiger Woods Yacht
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Tank Top?
 Click here

Mines Bigger
 Click here

Snow
 Click here

Easy rider.
 Click here

Please note : After November 30, I will no longer be sending e-mails.
 Click here

New DeWalt nail gun [one for you Roly - Ed.]
 Click here
THE 16 - D  RAPIDFIRE
New Nail Gun, made by Dewalt. It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2 X 4 at
200 yards. This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn
chair and build a fence. Just get the wife and kids to hold the fence
boards in place while you sit back, relax with a cold drink, when they
have the board in the right place just fire away. With the hundred round
magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading After a day
of fence building with the new Dewalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will
not ask you to fix or build anything else.

We went all out this year! Best LOUD!
 Click here

Advertising in the Doctor's Office
 Click here
If the light stays on for more than 4 hours, call your electrician.

Are Brazilian Thongs Too Small [XXX] ???
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Fail ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

New Nokia cell phone.
 Click here

First Indian astronaut lands back on earth.
 Click here

Recall on Lada autos
 Click here

Friday Special Sports News! [XXX]
 Click here

Tank Destroyed.
 Click here

FT201 v Skippy
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Karaoke for the deaf.
 Click here

Motivational Posters FAF
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The best McCain/Palin poster [XXX]
 Click here

For all the naughty people! [Xish]
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Sometimes it's difficult to look someone in the eye when you're talking to
them.
 Click here
I think in her case it's because she's squinting.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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