Friday humour - November 21, 2008

Greetings to you all from Nottingham Smithie, I have done the best I can
with an edit this week, I have been struck down with a virus, and still
haven't got my brains back in working order, so if I have made any errors
please bear with me, for now let's get straight on with the humour, and
thank you all for your submissions, it can't be done without you.

 From: Allnutts.............................. How to hypnotize a man

 It works better if you just move your mouse a little bit and let go!!!!
click on this link
 Click here


 From: Burnout......................ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSONS

Which one would you rather have?

PARKINSONS of course!

Better to spill half your drink than forget where the f*ck you put it!


From: Burnout

 Click here


Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright,
white couple.
Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby,
and set to work. Nine months later, the fruit of their labour was born: a
lovely white girl.
Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work why they
hadn't parented a black baby.
Realising that John was somewhat dim, the fellow took him aside and asked,
"Is your d*ck at least a foot long?"
John had to admit that it was not.
"And is it at least four inches wide?"
Once more John replied in the negative.
"Well, man, there's your problem!" the guy slapped him on the back. "You
let in too much light!"


From: Burnout

 Click here


 From: Burnout

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like
mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off. He
comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks 'What did you
Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they f*cking
like it.'


From: Diks

What your computer does while you are asleep......Amazing graphics!

 Click here


 From: Diks
So, you think you are an artist..................
Check this guy out.

 Click here


From: Diks........................ New Priest.............

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest,
said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket
theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills
first now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me
adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to
church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel
choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are
open to the new ideas of youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But
I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations
have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that.... But the
flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or
Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof!


 From: Kaos_reflex..................What will they think of next?
This is really cool!

 Click here


From: Kaos_reflex
 Turn the volume up:
 Click here


From: Moose............... Something to offend everyone!

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called
A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true
what they say about black men'... So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he
can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says
'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me
and your other mate stuck a brush up my ar*e?'

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today,
but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut' '
Tampax are changing their design they are repacing the string with  a piece
of tinsel .... This is for the Christmas period only!
A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad
at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'

From: Muse................................Congratulations...

 Click here


From: Nottingham Smithie..............I thought they have been making beer
this way for years, have you tasted American Beer?

As NASA prepares to double the number of astronauts living aboard the
International Space Station, nothing may do more for crew bonding than a
machine being launched aboard the space shuttle Endeavour on Friday. It's
a water-recycling device that will process the crew's urine for communal

"We did blind taste tests of the water," said NASA's Bob Bagdigian, the
system's lead engineer.  "Nobody had any strong objections.  Other than a
faint taste of iodine, it is just as refreshing as any other kind of

"I've got some in my fridge," he added.  "It tastes fine to me."

Delivery of the $250 million wastewater recycling gear is among the primary
goals of NASA's 124th shuttle mission, which is due to launch at 7:55 p.m.
EST on Friday (0055 GMT on Sat*rday) from the Kennedy Space Centre in

Meteorologists predicted a 70 percent chance the weather would be suitable
for launch.

With no technical issues, NASA managers told the launch team on Friday
morning to fuel the shuttle for liftoff, a three-hour operation to pump
500,000 gallons (1.9 million litres) of liquid hydrogen and liquid oxygen
into the spaceship's tank for the 8.5-minute climb into orbit.

If the shuttle lifts off on time, it would arrive at the space station on
Sunday so astronauts could begin 11 to 12 days of home improvements.

In addition to the water recycler, Endeavour carries two small bedrooms,
the station's first refrigerator, new exercise gear, and perhaps most
important for a growing crew -- a second toilet.

"With six people you really do need to have a two-bathroom house.  It's a
lot more convenient and a lot more efficient," said Endeavour astronaut
Sandra Magnus, who will take over as a space station flight engineer from
Greg Chamitoff.

Chamitoff has been aboard the outpost since the last shuttle flight in

NASA wants to make sure the water recycling system is working well before
adding another three astronauts to the station's crew.

SHUTTLE SUPPLIES DRYING UP Reusing water will become essential once NASA
retires its space shuttles, which produce water as a byproduct of their
electrical systems.  Rather than dumping the water overboard, NASA has
been transferring it to the space station.

But the shuttle's days are numbered.  Only 10 flights remain, including a
final servicing call to the Hubble Space Telescope.  NASA is preparing to
end the program in 2010, after which Russian Soyuz spacecraft will be the
only way to ferry crew to the space station.

"We can't be delivering water all the time for six crew," said space
station flight director Ron Spencer.  "Recycling is a must."

NASA expects to process about six gallons (23 litres) of water per day with
the new device.  The goal is to recover about 92 percent of the water from
the crew's urine and moisture in the air.

The wastewater is processed using an extensive series of purification
techniques, including distillation -- which is somewhat tricky in
microgravity -- filtration, oxidation, and ionization.

The final step is the addition of iodine to control microbial growth,
Bagdigian said.

The device is intended to process a full day's worth of wastewater in less
than 24 hours.

"Today's drinking water was yesterday's waste," Bagdigian said.


 From: Nottingham Smithie
apple pickin'Test  your ability!  Here's something to drive  you crazy!

Can  you get 50% in the pail? There are 100 apples  falling down, see how
many you can  catch.Let's go, it's Apple pickin'  time!

This will  keep you busy for a while....

 Click here


From: Stumpy Steve

I get my gas from the Electric Co. and I get my electric from the Gas
My phone comes through a television company and I pay my water rates to a
firm at the other end of the country.
So I went to the Town Hall to opt out of my local Council Tax, and into
this new, free Scottish Council Tax.
No f*cking chance!


From: Stumpy Steve

The 2012 Olympics in London are going to be an amazing cultural experience.
Imagine the hordes of international fans - Poles, Czechs, Russians,
Hungarians, Latvians, Africans, Jamaicans, Indians, Pakistanis, Iraqis,
Turks, Greeks, Vietnamese,Thais, Australians, South Africans - all of whom
will have travelled as many as 10 miles to watch these games.


 From: Stumpy Steve

a Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you
raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan,
then who are you a fan of?'

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a
Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a
Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason
for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your
mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.


 From: Stumpy Steve

I just bought a Home pregnancy kit.
Turns out my house is pregnant!


 From: The Great Gussius

Our favourite moose hunter-politician Sarah Palin was excited about her new
rifle and now that the election was over, decided to try bear hunting for a
change. She travelled out to the Alaskan wilderness,
spotted a small brown bear and shot it.

Soon after there was a tap on her shoulder, and she turned around to see a
big black bear. The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake That was
my cousin.
I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have

After considering briefly, Sarah decided to accept the latter alternative.

So the black bear had his way with our Sarah. Even though she felt sore for
two weeks, Sarah soon recovered and vowed revenge.

She headed out on another bear hunting trip and tracked down found the
black bear and shot it dead.

Right after, there was another tap on her shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to her.

The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Sarah. That was my cousin and
you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough s*x.'

Again, Sarah thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than
be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way.

Although she survived, it took several months before Sarah could sit down
or think straight and fully recovered.

Now Sarah was completely outraged, so she headed back to the Alaskan
wilderness and managed to track down that pesky varmit Democrat grizzly
and shot it.

She felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on her
shoulder. She turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked down at her and said, 'Admit it Sarah, you don't come
here for the hunting, do you?'


 From: Whizzbang
 No Pun Intended

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his
grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,
a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

17. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle,
he just didn't have the balls to do it.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!


 From: Whizzbang..............The top 48 dirty jokes

      1.What is the definition of Confidence?

      When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & you slap her

      the Ass & say, "You're next!"

      2. What's the difference between a bitch & a whore?

      A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, & a bitch sleeps with

      everybody at the party except you.

      3. What's the difference between love, true love & showing off?

      Spitting, swallowing & gargling

      4. What 3 words do you dread most while making love?

      "Honey, I'm home."

      5. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

      Wiped his ar*e.

      6. What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have in


      They both get to smell the goods but neither one can eat it.

      7. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?

      The cake jumps out of the girl.

      8. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?


      9. How is pubic hair like parsley?

      You push it to the side before you start eating.

      10, Why are women & Kentucky Fried Chicken the same?

      By the time you're finished with the breast & thighs, all you have
left is

      the greasy box to put your bone in.

      11. How are tornadoes & marriage alike?

      They both begin with a lot of sucking & blowing, & in the end you
lose your


      12. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

      Because everybody who can run, jump & swim are already in the US.

      13. Do you know why women fake orgasm?

      Because men fake foreplay.

      14. What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting


      When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole pr*ck!

      15. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?

      She knows she's given her last bl*w job.

      16. How do you find a blonde in long grass?


      17. When is a pixie not a pixie?

      when he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

      18. What's the definition of a Yankee?

      Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

      19. How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?

      The tongue's still in the envelope.

      20. Which of the following doesn't belong: meat, eggs, bl*w job?

      The bl*w job. You can beat your eggs, & your meat, but you just can't

      beat a bl*w job.

      21. What's the difference between a blonde & an ironing board?

      It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

      22. Why do blondes have more fun?

      They are easier to keep amused.

      23. Why do seagulls have wings?

      To beat the gypsies to the tip.

      24. Why did God invent alcohol?

      So ugly people can get laid.

      25. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?

      Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!" or "house!"

      26. What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?

      Your last bl*w job.

      27. What's the difference between a woman from Wigan & a walrus?

      One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives in the sea.

      28. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

      None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'Coping with

      29. Why don't blind people skydive?

      It scares the sh*t out of the guide dog.

      30. What have women & condoms got in common?

      Both spend more time in your wallet than on the end of your c*ck.

      31. How do you make a dog drink?

      Put it in a liquidizer.

      32. What's got four legs & an arm?

      A rottweiler.

      33. What do you do if your boiler explodes?

      Buy her some flowers.

      34. What do you call a man who expects to have s*x on the second




      35. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

      A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

      36. How is pussy like a grapefruit?

      The best ones squirt when you eat them. (quality)

      37. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

      No one to talk to during orgasm.

      38. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

      The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen

      39. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

      She is the one who can eat the last donut!

      40. How can you tell soap operas are fictional?

      In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

      41. Jewish dilemma:

      Free PORK.

      42. Why do bachelors like smart women?

      Opposites attract.

      43. Why do Italians wear moustaches?

      So they can look like their mother.

      44. Why do men take showers instead of baths?

      Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

      45. Did you hear about the new shade of Dulux called "Blonde"?

      It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

      46. Why do women have FOREHEADS?

      So you have someplace to kiss them after they give you a BLOWJOB.

      47. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

      When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

      48. Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?

      Because women don't get bl*w jobs while they're driving.


 From: Whizzbang.............. Nice Grandma Story

A nice story - will make you appreciate family . . . however for most of
it's too late!

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that
always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store
in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds
or washing the sidewalk...

            Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the
jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about
13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda
bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

            She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and
start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure
you marry a woman with small hands.'

            'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

            She answered in her soft Scottish voice. 'Makes your d*ck look

            Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?


 From: Zalaga................A selection of favourite letters sent in to

On our wedding  anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like
Princess. He was  as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got
completely p*ssed and on  the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at
killing me  instantly.

Mrs B.  Ess*x.

The person who coined  the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese"
obviously hadn't tasted  Kwiksave's cheddar.

John Sampson,  Southampton.

If Eastenders is so true  to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney
characters are Man Utd  supporters?

P. Sullivan,  Birkenhead .

They say football is a  game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or  nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV
in my local.

S Evans,  London .

If smoking is bad for  you, how come it cures salmon?

Stalker,  Bournemouth .

Why does Frank Bruno get  a gong just because he's good at hitting people?
I'm  brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours'  community

A Woodward,  Sheffield .

They say good manners  cost you nothing. Bollocks. I sent my daughter to
finishing school and it  cost me twenty bloody grand.

J Morgan,  Wigan .

If, as Freddie Mercury  claimed, fat-bottomed girls make the rocking world
go round, isn't it  about time that the city of Derby received some
recognition for its  contribution to astrophysics?

Neil  Sedgwick, Nottingham

In the 20th Century,  Britain only made war with countries whose capital
cities began with the  letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos
Iraq (Baghdad), and  Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to
Beijing and  we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more
imagination in this century.

Martin  Harwood, Bradford.

These so-called speed  bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.

Tim  Wakefield, Surrey .

We should remember the tremendous  contribution of the Queen Mother to the
war effort: as the  BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London
beside her husband"  during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
actions of my grandfather who, on  the declaration of war immediately left
his wife and children and p*ssed  off, first to France, then North Africa,
Italy, France (again) and finally  Germany.

The shame will always be  with us.

George  Nisbet.

Like the Queen Mum, my  grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End
during the dark days  of the blitz but he was never hailed as a hero by
the people of London .  That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the

Werner  Hoffman, Munich .

I would just like to say  a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on  motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
boards telling us  motorists where they lead to.

B  Bollockbrain, Braintree .

Davina McCall says that  dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on
a 700 foot bungee  rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has
ever done. She must  be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

M Duckworth, Poole  .

So  Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off.  I
know how he feels. My  wife is no oil painting either.

J Leonard,  Hull .

I heard recently that,  on average, Alex Ferguson receives two t*rds in the
post each week. What  I want to know is, who's sending the other one?

K Libretto,  Welling


 From: Allnutts....................The  Safe

 Click here

With all the theft from airline luggage now and motel housekeeping going
through your luggage while you are out, this product will deter those
thieves. Just place your valuables inside and travel while feeling secure.


From: Allnutts...................... Good to know!

 Click here

'Viagra' is  now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your s*xual performance but it does stop your biscuit
going soft.


From: Allnutts
 Yup, we're tough! R Rated

 Click here


 From: Allnutts
 Click here


From: Allnutts
Finally! We Get To See How The Trick Is Done!
 Click here


 From: Billm
 Dishwasher & Sandwich Maker Sale
 Click here


From: Burnout
 Click here


From: Burnout
Still Relevant.......

 Click here


 From: Burnout
 Office Prank

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


From: Burnout
Rego Plates

 Click here Click here


 From: Burnout
 Click here


From: Burnout
 Click here


 From: Burnout
 Click here


From: Croydon Caz
Amazing Photography!!!

 Click here


 From: Diks
 Canadian police chase..........

 Click here


 From: Diks
How can you tell if your at a gay bar.....

 Click here


From: Duke of Barsinov

 Click here


 From: Kaos_reflex
Colourful crap to brighten up your day:

 Click here


 From: Moose
 Trade Me - CLASSIC!
 Click here


 From: Moose
 Clever photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


 From: Moose
this is what I call TRAFFIC !

 Click here

Traffic ON A LONG WEEK END IN Los Angeles
Just so you feel better about your day
This scene sure makes snow, black flies and mosquitoes look good.

Looks like these  folks are really worried about the price of gas!!!   .
. .and you  wouldn't want to run out in the middle of this!

Incredible  ...but true


 From: Moose
 Spider Bite

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


 From: Muse
 A wireless headset makes all the difference...

 Click here


 From: Nottingham Smithie
 The Lord made Man............then....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


From: Nottingham Smithie
Your 1st Christmas card

 Click here


 From: Whizzbang
 Brisbane Storm 16 Nov 2008.pdf

 Click here


 From: Whizzbang
Police Stop

 Click here


From: Whizzbang
 Hang gliding

 Click here

Imagine a beautiful beach with white sand, listening to the gently rocking
background noise from the waves. Beautiful bodies enjoying the warm sun,
your third beer just emptied and dozing off in the sun lounger. Suddenly, a
cloud appears, making you realize that your tranquil peace is about to
change ........

                        You look up and............

                        HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


From: Whizzbang
 Family Tree

 Click here


From: Whizzbang
 What a jeep can do

 Click here


From: Whizzbang
Demolition job gone bad...
 Click here


 From: Whizzbang
 Burn out

 Click here


From: anonymous
 A delightful oh so African story......Read first...

A regular occurrence at the Mfuwe Lodge in the South Luangwa
National Park  in Zambia where the lodge was unwittingly built on the
Elephant's traditional path through to some wild mango trees on the
property.    The herd of a dozen or so elephants walk through the lodge's
reception area at least twice a day for about 4 weeks and then
sporadically for about another 3 weeks to feed on the trees.   No
incidents reported to date!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that
he is going to get married. He says 'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring
over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the
house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then
says, 'Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry?' She immediately
replies,'The one on the right.'

'That's amazing, Ma You're right.

How did you know?'

The Italian mother replies, 'I don't like her.'


[ End friday humour ]

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