Friday humour - November 14, 2008
From Burnout at Bluehaze.
Well with the US electing a new President the stuff has started to come in
already;
It has been reported this morning that the Head Gardener at the White House
has been sacked.
On protesting his innocence, he is reported to have said,
"Honestly, I did nothing wrong, all I did was go into the Oval Office and
asked if anyone had seen the spade!"
Now on with the rest of the weeks fun!
My favourite this week comes from one of our longest and most prolific
contributors, (well done mate) - Whizzbang who found this remarkable gem:
Tell it like it is.........
Click here
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From: Alibaba
The interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first
man replied, 'A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning
that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I
know of.' 'That's very good,' replied the interviewer.
'And now you, sir,' he asked the second man. 'Hmmm, let me see..... A
blink!,' said the second man. 'It comes and goes and you don't know it
ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said
the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for
speed.'
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out
on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a
light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light
at the barn comes on in an instant.
Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.' The interviewer
was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
'It's hard to beat the speed of light.' he said.
Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question.
'After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest
thing known is diarrhoea,' said the Aussie. 'What!' said the interviewer,
stunned by the response? 'Oh, I can explain,' said the Aussie, 'You see,
the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But,
before I could, think, blink, or turn on the light, I sh*t my pants.' He
got the job.
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From: Allnutts
'ARTHRITIS'...
A drunk man who smelled like whiskey sat down on a bench in a subway
station, next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of Jim Beam was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap
wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping
around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to
his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that
the Pope does.'
Never assume you Know where someone has been, what that person has done or
what they are thinking.
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Texas Sex Rodeo Position
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite s*x
positions. One said, 'I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.' 'I
don't think I have ever heard of that one,' said the other cowboy. 'What
is it?'
'Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her
from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your
hands and whisper in her ear; 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.
'Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.'
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From: Your ED - Burnout
You know, some of the grammar generally is so bad; trust me grammar is
important. Contemplate how one sentence can change rapidly even by
changing a capital letter to a lower case.......
Ben would always have to help his Uncle Jack off his horse...
Ben would always have to help his uncle j*ck off his horse...
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From: Diks
A man woke up after a LONG night on the town. Feeling the early morning
need to go with the flow, he raises the lid and lets fly.
When finished, he looks down and discovers a red ring and a brown ring
around the base of his "willy".
Feeling frightened, he goes to his doctor, who after several swabs and
tests, anounces, "I have good news and bad news.
The red ring is lipstick, but the brown ring is Skoal".
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Jumpng on the bed
A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with
delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?' The woman continues to
bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care, I just came from having a
mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old'.
The husband said, 'What did he say about your 56 year old ass'?
'Your name never came up,' she replied.
(Men... they just never know when to shut up do they??)
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From: Kaos_reflex (See what I mean - ED)
Black women all over the world are shaving their pubic hair in support of
Obama's election result.
Their message to the world, "READ OUR LIPS - NO MORE BUSH."
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After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided enough was enough,
as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy but it was
expensive.
He explained a less costly alternative was to go home, get a large
fire-cracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his
ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in
the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me with my problem.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he
paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand, South Australia, Queenstown
(TAS), Ipswich (QLD), and several suburbs in Sydney,
Melbourne, Perth (WA) & Palau.
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From: Moose
A Day at the Races.
A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Melbourne casino when
He met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman. They got on
famously and ended up in bed.
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the
races at Flemington that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she
was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling
paddock.
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her b**bs. The bloke looked through
The race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It
won by two lengths.
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes. He put the lot
on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her
growler. He backed nothing.
After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in
races 2 and 4. 'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It
paid a fortune?'
'Sh*t', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the c*nt was scratched!'
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From: Nottingham Smithie
Jokes
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?
Everybody won.
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the
kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars
'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off
the wet floor!!'
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From: Stumpy Steve
I thought to myself, why's that car getting bigger? Then it hit me.
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I went into WH Smith's yesterday, and asked the girl behind the counter if
she kept stationary.
She said, "Well, I sometimes wriggle a bit, but only if you get me going".
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Whilst in my local shop the other day, I overheard one of the owners
mention the word, 'Ramadan'. So I belted out '
a-ding-ding-dong'. I've always found Showaddywaddy songs irresistible.
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A large number of black women have formed a support group for Obama, they
have all shaved off their pubic hair, their slogan:-
'Watch my lips! no more Bush'
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The votes have been counted; Robert Mugabe is now the president of America.
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2 Blonde Ess*x Girls walk into a shop and try on some perfume.
Debs sprays it on her wrist and says to the, "hey Shannon that's smells
nice,"
Shannon smells the perfume and agrees with her friend.
Shannon then asks an assistant what the perfume is called, he smells her
wrist and says "ummmmmmm that smells like "Come to Me"
A surprised Debs then says to Shannon, "does that smell like come to you as
well?"
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I've just been offered a job to re design the electric chair - apparently
the one they use now is just a death trap....
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I see Boomerangs are making a comeback.
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I went into a bakers shop the other day, and asked the girl behind the
counter, "Is that a cream cake or a meringue?"
She said, "No, you were right the first time, It's a cream cake".
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I called our local Paranoia Society today.
The guy who answered the phone said, "How the f**k did you get this
number?"
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On my way home from work I stopped off at the petrol station to put some
air in my tyres as they were a bit flat.
So I put the air in and went inside to pay.
The cashier said to me "£2 please".
"£2!" I said, "It's air for crying out loud, it shouldn't be that
expensive!"
"Well", he replied, "That's inflation for you".
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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong; the ship sinks, and there are only
3 survivors, Dave, John and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island
and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and
women to do.
After several years of casual s*x all the time, Debbie felt absolutely
horrible about what she was doing. She felt having s*x with both Dave and
John was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Dave and John managed to get through it. After a while,
Dave and John's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable
happened. A couple more years went by and Dave and John began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Debbie.
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Now let's have some file stuff:
From: Front Range Barbie
The Statler Brothers. Do we remember these?
THIS IS REALLY GREAT !!!
For those of you too young to remember "too bad you missed it !!"
Click here
Your #1 Birthday Song
OK. This is fun. What song was #1 on the day you were born?
www.joshhosler.biz/NumberOneInHistory/SelectMonth.htm
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From: Alibaba
Oh No!!! It Didn't take them Long!!!!!!!!
Click here
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From: Allnutts
Calling in sick
Click here
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Crane operator wanted!
Looking for a new job!
Click here
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From: Anonymous
Light at the end of the tunnel
Click here
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From: Burnout
Click here
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Lets Face it - soccer has an image problem.
Click here
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From: Cartographer Chris (& still they come - ED)
The White House
Click here
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From: Croydon Caz
The Ultimate Funeral. Oh please.....do this for me!!
Click here Click here Click here
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From: Diks
Condoms.............
Click here
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From: Front Range Barbie (I like this one - ED)
Available At Home Depot!
Click here
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From: KRP from Coffs Harbour
Read The Instructions - KRP's Dilemma
Whilst pouring myself a small thirst-quencher this evening, I noticed this
(photo attached).
A check of several other brands with Stelvin-type closures that I have did
not disclose similar instructions.
Perhaps McWilliams are planning an export campaign to Ireland.
My real problem is that I can follow the instructions to open it but there
are no instructions for replacing the cap.
Click here
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The Perfect Woman
Click here
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From: Kaos_reflex
Size does matter
Sometimes it is better to have a small one.
Click here
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From: Moose
Red light cameras are an invasion of privacy
Click here
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From Muse (Clever - ED)
Whodunnit?
Click here
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Help! A blond lifeguard...
Click here
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Who needs pockets?
Click here
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Flying Wild!!!!!
Click here
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From: Nottingham Smithie
The streaker is back, FOOTBALL SEASON!!!
Click here
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TODAY'S MOTIVATIONAL MESSAGE
Click here
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From: Whizzbang
Carpool to work
Click here
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Windows for Aussies
Click here
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Indigenous monopoly
Click here
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Melbourne Cup Day Tragics
And for those who don't know, Melbourne is the first town north of Tasmania
The Odds, 6-1: You will fall over drunk exposing yourself.
The Odds, 3-1: You wear an animal print mini and regret it forever.
Click here
The Odds, 10-1: You're so drunk that your friend has to recruit the service
of a nice old man to help you up, while everyone in the crowd points,
laughs and takes photos
Click here
The Odds, 25-1: The Hugo Boss pin stripe you borrowed off your best mate
gets covered
Click here
The Odds, 2-1: At the first sign of a camera the shyest person in your
group exposes themselves and continues to do it all day.
Click here
The Odds, 2-1: You wish the person you came with had a better tolerance for
alcohol and you contemplate leaving them there, unconscious in the blazing
sun, for the rest of the day.
Click here
The Odds, 10-1: You drink so much you believe you're a s*x machine and that
women can't get enough of you.)
Click here
The Odds, 15-1: You pass out in the main walkway that smells of urine
whilst passers by laugh at you. You don't care because you no longer feel
sick.
Click here
The Odds, 5-1: Some d***head runs on the course and pretends he's in the
race.
Click here
The Odds, 7-1: You think you can handle your booze, but in 35 degree heat
it's a different story and you pass out surrounded by strangers with your
pants around your ar*e. Your friends have long since moved on to avoid
embarrassment and you wake up when its dark and everyone has gone home.
Click here
The Odds, 3-1: You flash your knickers at everyone...
Click here
The Odds, 2-1: You start off having a great time, a few drinks, a bit of a
laugh and a bit of a flirt, then it all comes tumbling down around you and
you wish you could just go home.
Click here
The Odds, 2-1: You start screaming at any car that looks remotely like a
taxi.
The tactic works and after an hour you finally manage to get a lift home
from some bloke called Trevor who smells of yeast.
Click here
The Odds, 25-1: You've drunk 20 beers and think it's a great idea to run
around the course naked, don't worry about the police ... you'll easily
out run them.
The next morning you ask the duty sergeant where your clothes are.
Click here
The Odds, 2-1: There's always someone who goes too far. Let's hope its not
you.
Click here
The Odds, 15-1: You wish you'd thought of that. Someone always has a bright
idea and its never you.
Click here
The Odds, 6-1: Your best mate will try and stop you hurting yourself on
statue/wall/valuable public property. He fails and you both spend the rest
of the day in the A&E tent. Your girlfriend has a great day out with a
group of random boys one of whom becomes her future husband.
Click here
The Odds, 50-1: The boss of your very successful hedge management fund
company gets so p*ssed he passes out - just where all your clients can see
him.
Click here
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Check this kid out...
Click here
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Obamas competition? (And you thought Bush was lousy - ED)
Click here
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And This week's Motivations
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Still motivating....
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Spelling Test - Good
Click here
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From: anonymous
Lost in Translation
Click here
Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From: anonymous
Internet Radio ad
Genuine radio advert sent to me by on Friday in the UK who listens to
American radio via the web.
Click here
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From: anonymous
Obama's dog
Obamas' visit to the dog pound (courtesy of Crikey.com.au)
Click here
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From: anonymous
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.
Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage,
WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get
a little sausage.
1. Men are like Laxatives
They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
3. Men are like Snow storms.
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long
it will last.
4. Men are like Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright.
5. Men are like Parking Spots.
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
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Here is the substitute for the flu shot.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and
in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea
and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and
I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it
on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
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A lawyer and a Jamaican are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that Jamaicans are so dumb that he can fool them
easy...
So the lawyer asks if the Jamaican would like to play a fun game.
The Jamaican is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only
$5; You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'
This catches the Jamaican's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he
agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?'
The Jamaican doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Jamaican's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows.
He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of
Congress.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Jamaican and hands him $500.
The Jamaican pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the Jamaican up and asks,
'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Jamaican reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.
Don't joke with us Jamaicans. We only talk different..
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A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina, from Texas. The wife
had a wooden leg and to insure it in Texas Was $2000.00 a year !!
When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance Agency, to
see how much it would cost to insure the leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here In North
Carolina to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Texas !!!!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it
is on the screen, it says:
*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00
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Adult Riddles
Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe s*x?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
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Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
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Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
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Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
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Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
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Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds.
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Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
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Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
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From: Whizzbang
Volcano These are incredible.....
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Recently a volcano that had been dormant for 9,000 years near the coast of
Chile erupted spectacularly, hurling liquefied metals and lightning many
miles into the sky.
The results, which you see here, are called a 'dirty thunderstorm' and are
quite rare.
Nobody is certain what causes them, but according to National Geographic
it's believed to be 'the result of rock fragments, ash, and ice particles
in the plume colliding to produce static charges - just as ice particles
collide to create charge in regular thunderstorms.'
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From: Whizzbang
Thinking Pink
This is the cutest breast cancer email I have ever received!
Click here
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Quote of the Week:
"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have
to say something."
---- Plato.
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[ End friday humour ]
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