Friday humour - November 07, 2008



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


What a stupid long and costly process.  21 months.  Most just to work out
who the party leaders will be.  Then an election where each state uses its
own voting methods.  4 hour queues.  Lots of speculation about voting
irregularities.  And where a state like Florida has 27 college votes, if
one party beats the other party by one vote all 27 college votes go to
that party on its way to that magic number of 270 votes.  Sheer madness
...

But hey!  What a wonderful prospective leader this system has churned out -
Barrack Obama.

If only George Bush can keep his hat on for another couple of months what a
much safer world we'll all share.


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First up a quickie from Allnutts

                                         A Dilemma

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the
level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine
travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also
travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Get off the merry-go-round you're p*ssed. *


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This came from Biggus

                                          Words

The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which they
were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following
were some of the winning entries:

1. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
2. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
3. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
4. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
5. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie
6. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp
7. Gargoyle (n.), an olive flavoured mouthwash
8. Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver
9. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon
10. Flatulence (n.), an emergency vehicle that picks you up if you've been
run over by a steamroller
11. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline
12. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam
13. Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the
priesthood
14. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
15. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions
16. Circ*mvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
17. Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up
on the roof and gets stuck there

The Washington Posts Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one
letter,
and supply a new definition:

1. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader
who doesn't get it
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
obtaining s*x
4. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.
5. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
6. Karmageddon: End of the world due to a build up of bad-vibes
7. Glibido: All talk and no action.
8. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
9. Intaxication: Euphoria at receiving a tax refund, which lasts until you
realise it was your money to start with.
10. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an as*hole.


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This came from Croydon Caz at Nestle's HQ

                                   New Drive-thru ATM

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

******************************* MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6.
Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

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This lot came from Front Range Barbie

                                     Frank Feldman

A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like
Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the
Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him
play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change
a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything
right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid Traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake No one could ever measure up to Frank
Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his widow.


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                                       The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and
a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40
please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A
hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once
again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the
table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket
every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'


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                                       Home Depot

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent
his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom
faucet while she was waiting for Walt the manager to finish waiting on a
customer. When Walt was finished with the costumer, Mary asked 'How much
for that faucet?'

Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'

'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed. Then she
proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt
went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.' ..................

And this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.


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                                    Male Strippers

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls
wanted to impress the rest of us,  so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the
male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to
his butt  cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy
back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to  his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a
$50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about
the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his
butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's
attention is focused on me, and  the guy is egging me on to try to top the
$50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? The
woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of
his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!


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These came from Alibaba
                                       Nursing Home

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center  to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into
the garden. They begin to chat  and before they know it, several hours
have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to
Mildred and  asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks,
"What?"

"Sex!!" he replies.Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it
up if I held a gun to your head!"  "I know," Harold  says, "but it would be
nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."Well, I can oblige," says
Mildred, who unzips his  trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold
it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where
they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Something
to look forward too ?????

Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed,
Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around
the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with
Ethel,
another female  resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I
don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."


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                                     Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,'YOU CAN BE THE
MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and
announced....."From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this
house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and
when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the
kind of s*x that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I
can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will
massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"

The wife replied ................. 'The f*ckin' funeral director would be
my first guess.'


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                                    The Wedding Ring

A man went to the hospital in Gympie, Queensland to have his wedding ring
cut off from his penis. According to the nurse attending the operation,
the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't
know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip
the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis. OR....
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.


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Here's a quickie from KRP from Coffs Harbour, who said:


"I think that this is "humour"; you may disagree so publish it or not on FH
as you wish.

This is the "signature" of a forum poster; not a "ratbag's" forum but a
large and respected forum devoted to electronics."

Barrack Obama is running off his blasphemous mouth, encouraging the
murdering of babies and the filthy s*x sins. With that slimy tongue he is
sealing the fate, the envelope of America's doom. Upon his election and
his reign as anti-christ every man, woman and child will be seared with a
hot iron, the mark of the beast in their forehead and hand.... Amen!

"Hmmmm...... Wonder how this bloke will vote (and whether he will take
remedial English classes?)"


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Canadian Muse sent this in

                                The Telephone Rings....

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the
caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is
dead"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die
from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is DEAD?"

"Yes Senor Rod! He died from all that work pulling the water cart. "

"Are you insane?? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a
candle??!!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought
she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor- made Super Quad 460
golf clubs."

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep f*cking sh*t!!"


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This stuff is from Kaos_reflex

                                        Orstrayan

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were
asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply
a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet
Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact
Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine
Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
Matesh*t: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor 
Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of
s*xual activity 
Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans 
Bushw@nker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it
comes to handling himself in the scrub
Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants. 

And for the Kiwi's amongst us: Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked
sheep.


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                        There's guilt and then there's guilt

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong; the ship sinks, and there are only
3 survivors, Dave, John and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island
and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and
women to do.

After several years of casual s*x all the time, Debbie felt absolutely
horrible about what she was doing. She felt having s*x with both Dave and
John was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Dave and John managed to get through it. After a while,
Dave and John's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable
happened. A couple more years went by and Dave and John began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie.

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                                 Newspaper article.....

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are
over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for
Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her
age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she
has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout
at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets
dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again
is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get in.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual
for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I
can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they
won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does
seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it
is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take
them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell
her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have
to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and
then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and
several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy
me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to
make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea
and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself,
she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you
just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because
of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley
screwdriver rammed up his ar*e with only 2 inches showing.

His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence
that he accidentally sat on it.


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From Trina

                               Children's Bill of Rights

My son came home from school one day,
With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.

'Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'

It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.

I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.

I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.

And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.

Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.

Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mum did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!

Mum, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known
As 'C.S.D.'


Mum's Reply and Thoughts

Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.

I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.

Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, 'Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.

I've called and checked with C.S.D .
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of Nike Airs.

I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best.'

I said 'No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own 'efen' lunch.

Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine.'

He asked 'Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?'
'Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.

Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.

I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!

Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D..?'


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Moose sent this in

                                      Fairy Story

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the
Dragon
Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty
for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to
try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said
that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it
would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily
agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little
bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the
itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal
Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen
that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this
type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of
the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure
the itch. The King,
eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio
then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into
his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the
Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually
relieved,
and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of
1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have
cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King
and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a
massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The
King immediately summoned Nick ...

The moral of the story - Pay your bills.


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A quickie from UK Smithie

                                 That ill be the Irish

A gentleman from Cork rushed his heavily pregnant wife to hospital.

"How dilated is she ? " asked the nurse on the way through.

"Oh Jaysus, we`re both over the f*cking moon !"


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This lot is from Seasoldier

                               Halloween is coming!

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he
hears:

Bump... BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of
an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him

FASTER... FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping.

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

On his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is
a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops .

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                 OLD TIMES SAKE

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time
we had s e x together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village
tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do
it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two old-timers having s e x against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them
so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and
make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious s e x that the policeman has
ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on
the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is
still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to
ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic s e x life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't
an electric fence.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These are friom Whizzbang

                               Weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the
olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a
pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                     Did you know?

When you go to bed at night and 'forget to shut down your computer,' I
think you ought to know what actually goes on. It's 2  a.m. And do you
know where your icons are and what they are doing? Click on this the Link
below and you will see what happens when you leave the computer on during
the night! Be sure your sound is on!

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And now for more AV stuff ... and they're from Croydon Caz, Biggus, Moose,
Front Range Barbie, Kaos_reflex, Muse, Mottingham Smithie, The Great
Gussius, Whizzbang, and Burnout.


Biggus fun
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The day I lost control......
 Click here

Top 5 men of 2008
 Click here

Best ever Pub sign
 Click here

Carpool to work - helping the environment
 Click here

Retired but still working
 Click here

How to load a skid loader w/o ramps
 Click here

Gracie Allen's Classic Roast Beef Recipe
 Click here

How to enjoy Halloween
 Click here

Leaves the Carlton Draught ads for dead!
 Click here

Best of Motivational Posters
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Women or cars? NOT FOR KIDS
 Click here

Honey...
 Click here

Come to Australia?
 Click here

Lunch on the skyscraper
 Click here

Some peace in these times...
 Click here

This is Great
 Click here

Do you speak woman?
 Click here

BALLS OF DOOOOM!!!!
 Click here

The best pub sign ever !!!!!!!
 Click here

School projects that did not win
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Mum of the year awards
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Cane toad caught in NT
 Click here

[ XXX ] Taser To (Ouch.)
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                          How tough are Australians ?

The scene is set

- a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in
the dark sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one from Australia,
one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland.

Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, 'I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there
es.
Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and  scared a crocodeale, who
came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed
the crocodeale and  wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer
hends'.

Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said,
'Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in  my heng glider on a
tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a
move on me. I grebbed de borsted  with me bare hinds and beet it's head
off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm
still here today'

Colin the Australian remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his
penis.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                      The Hair Cut

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can
get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2
hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How
long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long
before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.'

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait
for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he leaves?'

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, 'Your house.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's some from Burnout

                                      'Little Sally'

Johnny's little sister 'Little Sally' came home from school with a smile on
her face, and told her mother. 'Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in
the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'it reminded
me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked. 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No..... salty.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


I was walking down George Street the other day when I saw an Afghan bloke
standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                       Hospitality

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his
car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and
knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. "My car
has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"

"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of
our world famous hospitality."

The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence.

"Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in
response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a
meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of
Highland hospitality." The traveller was soon tucking into an appetizing
meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality
to the guest. "And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out
and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage
of our world famous Highland hospitality."

No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about
seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had had her on floor
and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the
Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned
purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave
verbal vent to his wrath.

"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared,
"Arch your back woman, and get the poor man's balls up off the cold floor."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Things are bad at home. She's sick of me! Football, Rugby, Cricket always
on the telly. Anyway I booked a table for two last night for eight pm to
try and patch things up. By nine pm things were ten times worse ...

She hadn't even potted a single bloody red!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally from Stumpy Steve

                                   Three Irish fellas

Three Irish fellas were sitting in the pub. They had all run out of money,
but it was only 9pm.

'Watch this!' said Paddy as he walked to the bar. The barman asked what
Paddy wanted to drink, to which the Irishman replied 'Ya feckin' queer!'

The barman, who was a big bastard, immediately punched Paddy on the nose.

'What the feck was that for?' said Paddy as he got up from the floor.

'You called me a queer' said the barman. 'I didnt' said Paddy. 'I said 3
pints of beer.'

'Oh Christ' said the barman. 'Here's 3 pints on the house.'

Paddy returns to his friends and they laugh at how clever Paddy has been.

Presently, Feargal says 'Another pint fellas?' He gets up and walks to the
bar.

'You feckin' queer' he says, and the barman hits HIM. Feargal picks himself
up and explains that he had actually asked for '3 pints of beer', and again
the barman apologises and hands over the drinks free of charge.

After another half an hour, Mick says 'I guess its my turn?' and heads to
the bar.

'Ya feckin' queer' he shouts at the barman. The barman duly punches Mick on
the nose. Mick gets up and yells 'What were that for?'

'You called me a f*cking queer!' said the barman.

'I didnt.' replies Mick, nursing his bloody nose. 'I asked for two
Guinesses, a cider and a packet of pork scratchings'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


I found a lovely pair of shoes today, almost new in fact, i don't know why
anyone would throw them away.

They were just sitting there outside the mosque.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                        The Bindi

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads called a
bindi.

We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their
religion.

The true story has recently been revealed.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her a dowry.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has
won either a corner shop, a sub Post Office, a minicab company, or a
restaurant in Southall.

If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephone
enquiries from Barclays Bank customers.

Just thought you would like to know.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                         Blind man

A blind man goes on a trip in his private jet, and at 20,000 feet the pilot
calls him into c*ckpit and tells him he has chest pains and suddenly dies
with a fatal heart attack. The blind man feels the plane nose diving and
rocking violently so he drags the pilot out of his seat straps himself in,
fumbles around to find the radio and calls into it "Mayday! Mayday!"

Ground control hear the call for help and enquire as what the problem is.
The blind man replies "I am blind and alone in a plane, the pilot is dead
and Im flying upside down Mayday! Mayday!"

Ground control says "Calm down sir. just to clarify, you are blind and if
so how the hell do you know you are flying upside down"

The blind man replied "Because the sh*t is running up my back"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


The United States has two thirds of the world's lawyers.

India has 2/3 of the world's lepers.

What is the mathematical  relationship between these two statements of
fact?

India had first choice


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the Week:


	                  "YES WE CAN!"


                              Barrack Obama, President Elect of the USA


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fin-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



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[ End friday humour ]

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