Friday humour - October 31, 2008

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

Well here we are coming up to the US elections. Any hope that anyone had
that Obama would be able to fix the disasters of the Bush eras will be
sorely disappointed now the "financial crisis" has removed any opportunity
for spending significant sums on the real problems confronting our
civilisation, like global warming. So the outcome is not really
significant, except that perhaps Obama will at least try to do some good.

The mega-greedy have not only screwed their countries' financial systems,
and eventually put hundreds of thousands more into poverty and
destitution, they have probably screwed the planet too. If you see one,
try really hard not to beat it to death.

I selected my favourite for this week because it proves beyond any shadow
of a doubt that complete stupidity is inherited.
 Click here

This weeks contributions are a bumper crop of high quality, coming to you
courtesy of Allnutts, Billm, Burnout, Cartographer Chris,
Diks, Duke of Barsinov, Front Range Barbie, Kaos_reflex, KRP from Coffs
Harbour, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Rudolf from the West,
Stumpy Steve, The Great Gussius and Whizzbang.

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John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sit there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word
is spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear
it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had McCain in his chair
reached for the after-shave. McCain was quick to stop him,
saying 'No thanks. My wife Cindy will smell that and think I've been in a
whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'

Obama replied, 'Go ahead. Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a
whorehouse smells like.'

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While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant
for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and
resumed their trip. As they were leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly
left her glasses on the table and didn't miss them until they had been
driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance
before they could find a place to turn around to return to the restaurant
to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the
entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses,
the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there,
you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

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Cabbie and the nun!

She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't
stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that
I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver gets very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

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I wouldn't say my missus is a bad cook, but she uses the smoke alarm as a
timer.

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The only cow in a small Cheshire town stopped giving milk. The people did
some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the county
line in Staffordshire for 200. They bought the cow from Staffordshire and
the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the
people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows
like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the
bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise,
what to do. They told the Vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches
from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front,
she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other
side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy
this cow in Staffordshire?" The people were dumbfounded,
since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in
Staffordshire?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from
Staffordshire."

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I don't see the fuss people are bringing up about gay men adopting
children. Lets face it, they already know where all the best parks are.

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Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When I
married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off
my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put
them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that
she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. 'I told her, 'Of
course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always
will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the
wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill
and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and
she couldn't possibly wear them. 'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the
trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to
forget that.'

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,'
she said, So he tried them on but they were too small.
'I can't possibly get Into your knickers,' said Jack. 'Exactly,' replied
Jill. 'And if you don't change your f *** ing attitude, you never will.'

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An elderly man in Perth calls his son in Sydney and says, 'I hate to ruin
your Christmas, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting
divorced; 35 years of misery is enough.'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in England and tell her,' and he hangs up.

In a panic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck
they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are NOT
getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there on Friday. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up and turns to his wife.

'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own
airfares.'

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We call our grandad "Spiderman".

He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of
the bath.

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Why are civil servants forbidden to look out of the windows in the Morning?

Because if they did there would be nothing for them to do in the afternoon

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How many Indians does it take to change a light bulb?

Just a moment, sir. Let me pass you on to the right department. Please hold
the line.

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A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.

A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a
ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next
to it was an old Scotsman.

Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy, and smashed
all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause
as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the same salesman visited the same little town and saw a
faded sign (for the same circus) and the same sign that read 'Don't Miss
The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive .
much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring
was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the
table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and
shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd
went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with the Scotsman, after
the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something.
You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?

'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

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I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front
of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is
disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.

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I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you
ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to f*ck off."

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Einstein's Theory...

Einstein's was born March 14, 1879. He would be 128 if he were alive today.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa
Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he
stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the
attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be know as, Einstein's Theory of "Relative Titty"

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I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her
check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

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I don't know what's happening in this country. You've got school children
dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It's a
nightmare - you don't know whether to carry sweets or money.

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Airlines have banned passengers from taking tweezers on board...

Anybody who can hijack a plane using a set of tweezers deserves the f*cking
plane.

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Iron Penis
 Click here

Elite life in Canada?
 Click here

Diary of a Pom in Karratha
 Click here

No email address ...
 Click here

Early symptoms of a REAL MAN
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Mantras.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

What it feels like owning stocks in 2008.
 Click here

This year's winner of Dancing with the Stars.
 Click here

Bailout Explained by the Kettle's.
 Click here

Can you believe this crazy little girl?
 Click here

Motivational posters
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Found in a bar in Montana.
 Click here

The perfect crime
 Click here

Definitely Management material
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Sex maniac.
 Click here

What celebrities would look like if they moved to Tennessee
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Why things fail...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Time to ban fox hunting in Tasmania.
 Click here

Life jackets - in the Mae West tradition:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Jesus alive - proof. After flipping his hydrofoil, Jesus quickly leaves the
scene before his Father finds out!
 Click here

More gun control (a different view)
 Click here

Nozzlerage.
 Click here

Super Bowl Commercial
 Click here

Fast camera work.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Have you smiled today!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here

A-380 Vmu Flight Demo - it brings a whole new meaning to Tail Dragger!
Certification: it's called the Vmu demonstration. Most non-pilots have
never seen this test. During the takeoff roll the pilot rotates the
aircraft nose up at well below normal V1 rotation speed. The aircraft is
not yet ready to fly so at the high angle of attack the tail hits the
runway and drags along until the aircraft obtains sufficient speed to fly
itself off the ground. The tail strike is a required certification test
where the pilot hits the tail of the aircraft on the runway on purpose and
then flies it off the runway showing that it can fly off after the runway
scrape. Most aircraft have an oak skid placed on the tail where it is
going to hit to minimize any damage to the tail, but the
Airbus has a metal extension to keep any damage to the tail structure. Two
things to notice: Just how big this aircraft is!!!! And,
as the aircraft rotates and you can see the elevators, the engine thrust is
bouncing off the runway causing the elevators to flap up and down. The
elevators on this plane are probably bigger than most planes wings.
 Click here

I presume a few of us can relate to this?
 Click here

The latest "Failures"
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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So you want to be a cowboy.
 Click here

Bravest Dog in the World.
 Click here

More WTF Pics...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Retirement planning
 Click here

1950's Italian Police Motorcycle Drill Team Display
 Click here

Have you ever seen one like this?
 Click here Click here
Calm down... It is just a Panda baby!

Bacon anyone
 Click here

Some days...
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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