Friday humour - October 24, 2008

Greetings all from Nottingham Smithie,
contributions were a bit thin on the ground this week, so this weeks
edition is a bit smaller than usual.
We keep an allotment mainly because we enjoy fresh air, and more
importantly fresh fruit and vegetables, and I would like to talk about one
of our fellow allotmenteers. His name is Stan, 83yrs old, and came here in
1947, a year later he started his allotment. He came here as a Bevan Boy
to serve down the coal mines. Well this year he had completed sixty years
unbroken tenancy on his allotment, and a few days ago he was given an
award certificate for his sixty years by Sir David Naish, a long time
resident in our village. I had the pleasure of photographing the event,
and was so impressed with Stan
I even painted his portrait. I wonder how many young men today could spend
sixty years tending an allotment, it is not an easy option, it can be back
breaking work at times. When you consider the dangers of working down a
mine alone, the most stress most youngsters get today is just missing the
next level in a computer game. I have to admire men of Stan's calibre,
Stan and all of your generation, I salute you.


 From: Allnutts...............TAKE A BREAK!  PICK SOME APPLES!
Can you get 50% in the pail ?
THIS ONE WILL GET ON YOUR PIP

 Click here

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From: Biggus....................The dash don't be silent!

How would you pronounce this girl's name: "Le-a"?

Leah? NO
Lee - A?  NOPE
Lay - a?  NO WAY
Lei?  Guess Again.

It's pronounced "Ledasha."  Oh, yes, you read it right.  This child attends
a school in Livingston Parish, Louisiana. Her mother is irate because
everyone is getting her name wrong.  If you see something come across your
desk like this, please remember to pronounce it correctly.

When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said,
"The dash don't be silent."

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From: Burnout

My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

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From: Burnout

A Mexican Woodpecker and a Canadian Woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about
which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican Woodpecker claimed
Mexico had a tree that no Woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian Woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole
in the tree with no problem. The Mexican Woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican Woodpecker to peck a
tree in Canada that was absolutely "im-peckable" (a term Woodpeckers like
to use).
The Mexican Woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and
accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican Woodpecker successfully pecked the
so-called "im-peckable" tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both Woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian
Woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican Woodpecker
was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree
in their own countries?

After much Woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:


Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.........

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 From: Burnout

A cop riding a horse pulls over a small girl riding a bike:
The cop says "Did you get that bike from Santa little girl?"
The girl says "Yes"
The cop says "Well tell Santa next time to put reflectors on it"
The girl looks long and hard at the cop and says "Did Santa give you that
horse?"
The cop almost laughs, and says "why, yes, he did"
The girl says "Well next time tell Santa the d*ck goes underneath the
horse,
not on top!!"

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 From: Diks
 The golf song....lmao!


 Click here

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 From: Diks
Better Check Your Inventory............

GENEVA-Chocolate-flavoured body spreads sold in British s*x shops have been
found to be tainted with melamine, the chemical that made thousands of
babies ill in China, food safety authorities said yesterday.

The British Food Standards Agency said melamine had been found in "I Love
You" sets manufactured in China by Le Bang. They are sold in Britain at Ann
Summers, a s*x shop chain.

The sets contain chocolate and strawberry body pens and chocolate-flavoured
penis and nipple spreads.

"This is a first. We've never had to put out an alert before on 'willy
spread' - chocolate-flavoured or otherwise," the agency said on its
website,
www.foodstandards.gov.uk.

The Food Standards Agency added the health risk from the affected products
was low.


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From: Diks................... Science lesson..........

The Heaviest Element Known to Science

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet
known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant
neutrons,
88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since
Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected,
because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny
amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less
than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes.

This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element
that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as
many peons but twice as many morons.

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WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
Obstetrician.

'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset
because my daughter has red hair.  She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said 'Even though you and your wife both have black
hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene
pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.
This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for
generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this.  How often do you have
s*x???'

The man seemed a bit ashamed.  'I've been working very hard for the past
year.  We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!'  The doctor said confidently.

'...It's rust.'

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From: Duke of Barsinov


Q. What is the capital of Iceland?

A. About 4.50!!!


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From: Nottingham Smithie

ROE vs. WADE

Ray Nagin, the Mayor of New Orleans, was asked his views on Roe vs. Wade.

He said, he didn't care how people got back to their houses


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From: Seasoldier................. Related Newfies.......?

Two Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.

    After a while the first Newfie says to the second, 'If I was to sneak
over
    to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin',
    and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?'

    The second Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his
head,
    and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

    Finally, he says,'Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would
make us even.'

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 From: Whizzbang.............Wanna job?

An aboriginal walks into the local Centrelink office in Broome, marches
straight up to the counter and mumbles, Hey, you fella ....I don't wanna
be on dole. I wanna job?

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, 'Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of
the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her
on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above
the garage. The starting salary is $60,000 a year.'


      The aboriginal bloke says, 'You're bullsh*tting me!'


      The Centrelink officer says, 'Yeah well, you started it.'

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From: Whizzbang................................................. Ball

 Click here

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 From: Allnutts
 Heart breaking pictures of Love

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Photos of two birds said to have pictured in the Republic of Ukraine
Where the bird tries desperately to save his mate. Millions of people cried
after watching this picture in America and Europe.
It is said that the photographer sold these picture for a nominal price to
the most famous newspaper in France . And all the copies of that newspaper
were sold out on the day of publishing these pictures.

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From: Anatinus
Cool excel sheets (Move mouse)

 Click here Click here

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From: Burnout
 Mother of the Year
 Click here


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 From: Burnout
 Rule Number 5

 Click here

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 From: Burnout
 Mobile Phone

 Click here

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From: Burnout
The Bear & the Rabbit

 Click here

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 From: Burnout
 Texas Car Wash
 Click here

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From: Burnout
 Release the Hounds
 Click here

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From: Diks
 1st and 2nd Amendment  LMAO!
 Click here


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 From: Diks
BEST POLITICAL CARTOON EVER

 Click here

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From: Diks
 Awesome views of our planet

 Click here

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 From: Diks
Doggie Treats.....

 Click here


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 From: Diks
 Gun Control At It's BEST

 Click here

The way it should be.

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 From: Diks
  Vegas.............

 Click here

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 From: Duke of Barsinov
doves @ a wedding
 Click here

Nice to keep abreast of these things!

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 From: Moose
 Match the face

 Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie
  Chips

 Click here

Makes you take a new look at fast food restaurants.

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From: Nottingham Smithie
  Clever Dog!
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie
 More Cats With Something To Say.....

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie
 VOTED BEST ALTERED PHOTO OF SARAH PALIN YET....

 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
 Cold nose ??

 Click here

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 From: anonymous

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each
for six weeks.

Each kid will play
two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean,
correct all homework,
and complete science projects,
cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man
will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out on time--no emailing.

Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.

He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also
make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only
have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must
shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks,
the men will have to endure severeabdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow
down from other duties.

They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a
similar setting.

They will need to
read a book to the kids each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them,
brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be
required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's
notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!

After you get done laughing,
send this to as many females as you think will get a kick out of it and as
many men as you think can handle it.
Just don't send it back to me.... I'm going to bed.

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[ End friday humour ]

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