Friday humour - October 10, 2008

[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


Isn't it amazing when things go wrong in our greedy free enterprise world
that the almighty conquerors of Wall Streets everywhere cry out for
taxpayers assistance.  In America in particular, these dubious profiteers
continually make reckless loans to people with little ability to ever
repay and yet they expect the government to spend billions of taxpayers
money bailing them out.

Hello???  I've never read about this principle in the free marketeers

I have an idea.  :)   If the government is expected to bail out these
monumentally badly run enterprises ... let it own them!

Let the government own the biggest bank.  It would tend to keep the other
banks more honest and accountable.  Maybe they should call it the
Commonwealth Bank, as it would actually be owned by all of the taxpayers.

Hey.  The profits could be distributed amongst all of the citizens!

Why has nobody in America ever thought of this?

I've come up with a nice snappy name for this system.  Socialism.

I reckon it just might work.


First up some stuff from Burnout

                                      Scottish Roots

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor was
amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you
stay in such great physical condition?'

'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I
am in such good shape. áI am up well before daylight and out golfing up
and down the fairways. áI have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to
it. How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Da's deid?'

The doctor was amazed. 'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still
alive. How old is he?'

'He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi'
me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had
anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive. He is a Scot and he is
a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it
than that. How about your Dad's Dad? áHow old was he when he died?'

'Who said my grandad is deid?'

Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your
grandfather is still living! áIncredible, how old is he?'

He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: 'So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Grandad could nae go this mornin' because he is getting married

At this point the doctor was close to losing it.

'Getting married!! áWhy would a 118 year- old bloke want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'



An old couple were having trouble with their s*x life, so the wife went to
a s*x therapist and was advised to try s*xercises. He gave the wife a list
of them to do each day.

Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went
to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her s*xercises. She got
undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the

About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at
the bed and said, "For god's sake woman, comb your hair and put your teeth
back in. You look just like your mother!"


Bored with Life?

This will liven things up a bit:

 Click here


                                         Milk Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note
for her milkman to leave 150 litres of milk. When the milkman read the
note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5
litres so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to
leave 150 litres of milk. Did you mean 1.5 litres?"

The blonde said, "I want 150 litres. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with
milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurised?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits, I can splash it in my eyes....



I have been so depressed lately that my wife threatened to leave me.

Even that didn't cheer me up.


Apparently Rudd received two t*rds in a week through the post.

What I want to know is who's sent the other one?


Police have now released the bodies of the Foster family killed in the
Toorak Mansion arson case.

When asked why it had taken so long, a police spokesman commented, "We had
to wait for the bodies to cool down... you wouldn't want a warm Fosters,
would you?"



A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so
the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It's not
the same hat!"
or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all
the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.

It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning
almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece
of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with
the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went
on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th
the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the f*ckin' ship?"


                                         Oz Politics

Rudd, Gillard and Swann are flying on the Executive Jetáto a gathering in
Canberra when Rudd turns to Gillard and says, chuckling, 'You know, I could
throw a $1000 out the window right now and make someone very happy.'

Gillard shrugs and replies,á'Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the
window and make ten people happy.'

Not to be outdone, Swann says,á'Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out
the window and make a hundred people happy.'

The pilot, overhearing this, rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot,á'Such
arrogant jerksáback there.ááHeck, I could throw all three of them out the
window and make 21 million people happy.'


Two Irish couples decide to swap partners.

Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that's the best f*ck I've ever had, I
wonder how the girls got on?


                                    Higher Education

1) Classical Studies Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest
achievements. Answer: Learning to speak Latin

2) Biology Question: What is a fibula? Answer: A little lie

3) General Studies Question: Jeff has been asked to collect data about the
amount of television his friends watch. Think of an appropriate question
he could ask them. Answer: How much TV do you watch?

4) Classical Studies Question: What were the circ*mstances of Julius
Caesar's death? Answer: Suspicious ones

5) Biology Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease Answer:
Early death

6) Geography Question: What are the Pyramids? Answer: The Pyramids are a
large mountain range which splits France and Spain

7) Biology Question: What is a plasmid? Answer: A high definition

8) English Question: In Pride and Prejudice, at what moment does Elizabeth
Bennet realise her true feelings for Mr Darcy? Answer: When she sees him
coming out of the lake.

9) Geography Question: What do we call a person forced to leave their home
perhaps by a natural disaster or war, without having another home to go
Answer: Homeless

10) Religious Studies Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is
this called? Answer: Monotony

11) Biology Question: In the Hawaiian Islands, there are around 500
different species of fruit fly. Give a reason for this Answer: There are
approximately 500 varieties of fruit

12) Physics Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil
fuels Answer: Fire

13) Geography Question: Define the term "intensive farming". Answer: It is
when a farmer never has a day off.

14) Maths Question: Change 7/8 to a decimal Answer: 7.8

15) Geography Question: What does the term "lava" mean? Answer: A
pre-pubescent caterpillar

16) General Studies Question: Redundancy is often an unpleasant and
unexpected event in someone's life. Give two examples of unexpected life
events. Answer: 1) death 2) Reincarnation

17) History Question: What was introduced in the Children's Charter of
Answer: Children

18) Business Studies Question: Explain the word "wholesaler". Answer:
Someone who sells you whole items - eg, a whole cake

19) Geography Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which
country? Answer: Malaria

20) Geography Question: What artificial waterway runs between the
Mediterranean and Red Seas? Answer: The Sewage Canal

21) Geography Question: Name one famous Greek landmark Answer: The most
famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse

22) Maths Question: Expand 2 (x + y) Answer: 2 ( x + y ) 2 ( x + y ) 2 ( x
+ y )

23) Business Studies Question: Assess Fashion House pls's choice to locate
its factory near Birmingham. Is Birmingham the right location for this
type of business? Answer: No. People from Birmingham aren't very

24) History Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence
signed? Answer: At the bottom.

25) History Question: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in
common? Answer: Unusual names


These came from Front Range Barbie

                             Praise for answered prayers

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise
for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a Praise. Two
months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum
was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't
know if they could help him.' You could hear an audible gasp from the men
in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.'

Pat continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move
caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's
scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined
the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of
the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if
any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the
podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is


                                    Six Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face. I apologize about this. I'm
an idiot and I needed company


'Do you have Barbie in stock?' asks father.

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach
Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie
for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and
the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir...,
Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken 's Friends, and a keychain made with
Ken's balls.


                             Updated Mexican Dictionary

BODYWASH: I can't go to tha cantina tonite cuz no BODYWASH my kids.

SHOULDER : My tia wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how toread

COCKATOO: My friend was in the bathroom and I told him to hurry becauseI
had to go COCKATOO!

SODAS: My vieja has beeg tatas and SODAS her sister.

JUICY: Hey vato, I will roll the joint, and ju tell me if JUICY thecops!!!

JUAREZ: My viejita slapped me and I said JUAREZ your problem!

TISSUE: Hey vato if you don't know how to do it, let me TISSUE how!

HEATER: My lil sister started to choke... Perro my mom told me to HEATERin
the back!

BRIEF: Hey homes, my lady farted in the car and I couldn't BRIEF!

JULY: Ju tol me ju were going to tha store and JULY to me! Julyer!!!

MUSHROOM: When my familia gets in the car...... There's not MUSHROOMleft!

CHEESE: I went to dis bar and some vato try to hit up on my vieja. I saiday
vato CHEESE with me!!

TEXAS: My friend always TEXAS me dumb jokes.

WATER: My vieja gets mad and I don't even know WATER problem is!

HERPES: Me & my ruca order some pizza, I got my piece & she got HERPES.

HIGHWAY: I turned around in bed, looked at my wife and said HIGHWAY!
Putsome make-up on. You scared me!

FRITO: After arguing with the policia he told me I was FRITO go!


Halloween Game

Happy Halloween!
 Click here


                                      OLDER WOMEN

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good
for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself
thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what this daughter of
hers might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, tonight's your lucky
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and
shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'


                                        Ghost Sex

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving A lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many People
here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of
those of you who Believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen A

About 40 students raise their hands. 'That's really good. I'm really glad
you take this Seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands. 'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one
question Further ...  Have any of you ever made love to a Ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his
and says, 'Son, All the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has
ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and
tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the
professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have s*x With a

Bubba replied, 'Sheeeeiiiittttt!!! From way back there I thought you said


From Geoff

                                   Jamaican Sandals

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small
sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'Hey mon,
you foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!'

So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, 'I have some special sandals I
tink you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at s*x.' The wife got
really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really
didn't need them, being the s*x god he was. The husband asked the
shopkeeper, 'How could sandals make you into a s*xfreak' The Jamaican

'Just try dem on, mon. You doan haff to do nutting 'cept try dem on.' So
the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and
tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the
husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down
his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the
Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on da wrong feet! Mon, you
got dem on da wrong dam feet!


Now some stuff from London Muse

                                Four religious truths

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four
religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian

4. Baptists do not recognize each other in liquor stores.


Another Jab at Sarah!

            Click here


A couple from Smithie of Nottingham

                            Young lad says to his granny

A young lad says to his granny, 'I think grandad's gone loopy, he says that
God switches the light on for him when he goes to the toilet, then when
he's finished, God switches the light off again.'

Granny replies ' f*cking hell, the stupid old bastard's been p1ssing in the
fridge again.'


                                    Sorry in advance!

A man woke up in hospital after a car accident to find that the left hand
side of his body had been amputated.

No need for concern though.

(I apologise for this in advance ... I am really very sorry ...)

The doctors said that he'll be alright.


And from Seasoldier

                                  The Power of Beer

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son
is just a head!  But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up
the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking
on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes
his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into
whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The
patrons chant 'Take another drink!'

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!!
Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The
bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses,
shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up
on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right
through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and
kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says ...

'He should've quit while he was a head!


                                 The Flight Attendant ...

A guy is sitting in the bar in Departures at a busy airport. A beautiful
woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because
she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he
decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies
for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto "We love to fly
and it shows."

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He
leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto "Winning the hearts
of the world." Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look
on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
"Going beyond expectations."

The woman looks at him sternly and says "What the f*ck do you want?"

"'Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. "Air Canada!"


Stumpy Steve sent these in

                          MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.. Please select
from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you
press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. But please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to
talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down
and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.



A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She
notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears
covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large
collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side
but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she
finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and
kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity,
more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her
and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'



1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "Robert Mugabe".

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of "Robert Mugabe

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better?

Tomorrow we'll do Jacob Zuma


This week's A/V files are from new contributor Diane P (who'll we'll simply
have to call Digi Di!), Whizzbang, Moose, Kaos_reflex, Croydon Caz,
Allnutts, Canadian Muse, The Duke of Barsinov, Burnout, Diks, Anatinus,
Maria, Front Range Barbie, Smithie of Nottingham, David O, and Zalaga.

Hurricane Ike pics
 Click here

Whole new meaning
 Click here

Football Player
 Click here

Women Stage Biggest Rally in Alaska's History - AGAINST PALIN
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Heart Attack!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Grizzly Bear Hunting
 Click here

More Motivation
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Not as dim as they sim
 Click here

Don't take the shortcut!
 Click here Click here Click here

It's an old one
 Click here Click here

Contribution for funnies
Hi  there,
I'm a happy Melbourne subscriber to the Friday Humour I regularly have a
good chuckle on a Friday and over the weekend.  I have just recently
returned from a holiday on the Gold Coast and I thought you might be
interested in some pics that I took whilst on holidays and an interesting
You may not be aware that on the gold coast we have *Meter Maids*.
This was a Gold Coast City Council invention to promote tourism, the idea
being that the meter maids see a parking meter that has run out of time
and they put a coin in it for you so that you don't get a parking ticket. 
Way back in the 1960's this was a very controversial promotion which was
hugely successful. So much so that it still operates today.
The Meter maid was the brainchild of *Sir Bruce Small*.
Sir *Bruce Small* who died in 1980 was an Australian businessman and
politician. In Melbourne, he developed *Malvern Star* bicycles into a
household name in Australia, then retired to the Gold Coast, where he
developed property, and as Mayor of the Gold Coast, promoted the area to
Australia and the world as a family friendly holiday destination through
the bikini clad (parking) "Meter Maids".
Here's my photo taken of the girls last week and you can also can also
check out the history of the Meter maids on the following link;
 Click here
Beaches along the Gold Coast are some of the world's best and in addition
to that they are patrolled by professional lifesavers from 6am in the
morning till 5pm in the afternoon.
My other photo is of some local wildlife.  Australia has Pelicans and they
have a healthy fish appetite you can usually find them near fisherman when
they are cleaning their catch.  This one was hanging out in just such a
Consider an Aussie holiday for your next R & R you really won't be sorry,
we locals are very friendly!
All the best
Dianne P - digital artist                 [ She's not wrong!!!  - Ed ]
 Click here Click here

New dollar bill ...
 Click here

Ford Police Chase..............
 Click here

Alcohol is bad for your legs
 Click here

How the Credit Crunch will Affect Britain
 Click here

Bluetooth Gone Wrong!
 Click here

Kevin Dudd (or is it Elmer Fudd)
Kevin Rudd (or Kevin Crudd or Kevin Dudáas he is now known by certain
citizens' groups), was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls
in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of Australia. Now howámuch
would it cost me to spend some time with you?'á
She replied, A$200.
To the brunette he asked the same question.á Her reply was A$100.á
He then asked the redhead.
 Click here
Her reply was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as
my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as
the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol,
keep me warmer than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have
pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody cent!'
 Click here

Italian TV Sports Presenter
 Click here

New catch that moment!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Follow your own rules - new version
 Click here

Goldfish Funeral...
 Click here

Sculpture Garden
 Click here

Photos of the  Mars Landing
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Great photos
 Click here

Applicant #1
 Click here

1932 Helicron
 Click here

Epic Fail - 26/09/08 - Castle Hill/Sydney
First job for this 4 million dollar crane when the floor gave way.
I reckon someone is in the sh*t
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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 Click here Click here

A Breakthrough
 Click here


Now some stuff from Whizzbang

                       CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE OLD PEOPLE

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport .

The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final
descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope
you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his
conversation from the c*ckpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot,

'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big
crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for
dinner... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give
her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins
looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new
stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the c*ckpit to turn
the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land
the plane and take a sh*t first.'


                                   Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of b**bs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
phases. In her 20s, a woman's b**bs are like melons, round and firm. In
Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After
they are like onions'. 'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.' This infuriated his wife and
daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through
three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and
Hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After
his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes -dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'


More from Sherwood Forest and Zlaga

                                     Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely
packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he
asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man
jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice
'Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!'

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes
into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts 'No,
play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord.'

A bit ticked off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this
impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up
again. 'No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord.'

Well and truly outraged that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his
playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage 'OK smart ass. You get
up here and do it!'

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and
starts to sing ... 'A jazz chord to say I ruv you...'


The Allnutts Selection

                                  Two elderly ladies

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the


                                     Three old ladies

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and
demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cuc*mber she
could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and
cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy
for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
remember the guy you're talking about.



Three women are at a c*cktail party. The first woman says, "My husband is
taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the
others with a superior demeanour.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,"
and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have
much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen
canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."

The first woman looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to
make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the
Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."

The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my
husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Ford."

"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary
number thirteen has to stand on one leg.


                            An Irishman walks into a bar

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When
he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The
bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it
would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all
drank together.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The
Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he
orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each
of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the
bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to
offer my condolences on your great loss.'

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye
and he laughs.

'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me........ I've quit drinking!'


These came from ... You know who your are!

                                    Weather Report

In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for
Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the
UK should no longer be referred to as 'English Weather.' Rather than offend
a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim

In other words - 'partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite.


                        NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the
wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no s*x.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market
keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @
$240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.


                        GWB Library to Open in 2009

The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages.

The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

The National Debt room which is huge and has no ceiling.

The 'Tax Cut' Room with entry only to the wealthy.

The 'Economy Room' which is in the toilet.

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you to go
back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes a fifth time.

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with
shotgun gallery.

The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

The Supreme Court's Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican


Finally these from Kaos_reflex

         Material Safety Data Sheet Woman: A Chemical Analysis

Element: Woman

Symbol: Wo

Discoverer: Adam

Atomic Mass: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.

Occurrence: Copious quantities throughout the world Physical Properties:

Surface usually covered with a painted film.

Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.

Melts if given special treatment.

Bitter if incorrectly used.

Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

Yields to pressure applied to correct points. Chemical Properties:

Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.

Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason.

Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in

Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man. Common Uses:

Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

Can be a great aid to relaxation.

Very effective cleaning agent. Tests:

Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.

Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. Hazards:

Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at
different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact
with each other.


 Hazardous Materials Information System Material Safety Data Sheet
                            Man: A Chemical Analysis

Element: Man

Symbol: Ego

Discoverer: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for

Atomic Mass: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs.

Occurrence: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated
deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars".
Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is
(See Women and Slave Labor) Physical Properties:

Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some areas, soft in others.
Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense.
Melts if treated like a God. Can cause headaches and severe body aches;
handle with extreme caution. Specimens can be found in various states
ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick. Becomes stubborn and
unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety,
flattery are applied. Chemical Properties:

Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals
and stones (See Jewellery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities
of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed
woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic
attraction for this element. May explode spontaneously if wallet is
Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance,
and stroking. When saturated with alcohol will be fairly inert and will
repel most other elements. Is repelled by most household appliances and
common household cleansers. Is repelled by small children clothed in
diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety. Is rendered
non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6. Is neutral to
common courtesy and fairness. Is impervious to embarrassment. Most
powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.


Quote of the Week:

 "I think the moment has arrived for the court to shine the light of
  constitutionality on the reasons for detention."

                                     - US District Court judge Ricardo

(said whilst decreeing the release of 17 Chinese Uighurs held at Guantanamo
Bay, who have never fought or been a security threat to America.)

[ These guys had been incarcerated without trial for six years.  What
  a bloody disgrace!  - Ed ]


[ End friday humour ]

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