Friday humour - October 03, 2008

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

So here we are on the brink of the total collapse of the western world's
financial system. Sounds like drivel to me. Massive scare mongering to get
the "Fed" to prop up an unsustainable structure. I suspect all that is
really at risk is the immense incomes and bonuses of the uber-greedy. It
is about time they took a hit too, and the bigger the better. Maybe if
they stopped leaching the wealth out of the rest of us life would improve
a bit. Better health system. Better education system. Better public
transport. Less profits for banks and other predatory investors. Sounds
like a plan!

I always wondered how you could sustainably earn money without actually
creating the wealth. Turns out you cant :-)

My favourite for this week really picked me up when I was crook. Gotta take
my hat off to this couple. Not at all what you might be expecting. Takes a
minute and half to get going. Watch it all the way to the end ...
 Click here

This weeks collection comes courtesy of Alibaba, Burnout, Croydon Caz, Digi
Maria, Diks, Geoff, KRP from Coffs Harbour, Mad Mick from Marwick, Mitta,
Moose, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Stumpy Steve, and Whizzbang.

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Stannies alumni!

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother
notices that he's got a big smile on his face. She asks, 'Did anything
special happen at school today?' 'Yes, Mom. I had s*x with my English
teacher!' The mother is stunned. 'You're going to talk about this with
your father when he gets home.' Well, when dad comes home and hears the
news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son
and says, 'Son, I hear you had s*x with your English teacher.' 'That's
right, Dad.' 'Well, you became a man today - this is cause for
celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new
bike you've been asking for.' 'That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a
football instead? My ass is killing me.'

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On my 70th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate
paid for a visit to a witch doctor living on a nearby reservation who was
rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being
persuaded, I drove to the reservation,
handed my ticket to the witch doctor and wondered what I was in for.

The old man produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my
shoulder, warned, "Mmmm, this powerful medicine. Must be respected. You
take one teaspoonful and say 1-2-3. When you do, you become more manly
than you've been in many moons and you perform as long as you want."

I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, "How do I stop the
medicine from working?"

"Your partner say 1-2-3-4", he responded. "But when she do that, medicine
not work again until next full moon."

I was eager to see if it worked. I hurried home, showered, shaved, took a
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the
bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began
tearing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the
1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition.

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A ride with Grandpa.

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort
with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his
7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that
she would take their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little
girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?'

'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single dumb bastard or lousy sh*t head anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?

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A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they
interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three
people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same
question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would
get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on
her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side
facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the
answer with the information we were given."

The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to
two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer" 
He got the job.

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Having given up smoking two weeks ago, I decided to take the advice from a
health magazine which suggested starting a hobby, so I started doing
pottery lessons.

And the first thing they taught me to make? ... An ashtray.

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I had these two blokes knock on my door today so I kept them talking while
my Girlfriend nicked their wallets.

Let's see if Jehovah witnessed that.

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Random Golf Thoughts:

Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your
swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one
more club or two more balls.

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead
of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately
shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball
halfway there..

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about
the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the
one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of
your many other errors.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . For a 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like
expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It's not a gimme if you're still away.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight
line that passes directly through the centre of a very large tree.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of
the time.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much
earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the
beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at
exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever
want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple
bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay
up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his
back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph,
handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

One of my personal favourites:

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top
and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and
which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in
the bunker. I f both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the
yard.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the
game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having
to pray a lot.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are...
that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you
need to buy fresh ones each week.

It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace
his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven,
he probably shot an eight (or worse).

It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain
surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink
beer, eat hot dogs and fart, if you are performing Brain Surgery!

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[From Geoff]

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, "I've always thought that I'm the Strongest man in the world,
but how can I be sure?

Angelina Jolie agreed. "I'm told I'm the most Gorgeous of them all, but
sometimes I wonder!

Brad Pitt said, "I'm pretty sure that I'm, the Sexiest man alive but I've
never had it confirmed!

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true
was to ask the famed talking "mirror, mirror on the wall" to confirm for
them whether Shrek was the Strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most
Gorgeous, and Brad Pitt was the Sexiest.

They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. "Well, it's true. The mirror
told me that I am the Strongest man in the world!"

Angelina Jolie lifted her Gorgeous face and said, "It's true. I am the most
Gorgeous woman in the world."

Brad Pitt sadly lifted his head and said....."But who the hell is Geoff?"

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A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the
kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on
where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and
masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she
tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a
spear lodged in his chest, while being set on fire.

No further studies are expected.

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A bank manager arrived for work one day and as he stood at his secretary's
desk she said to him. "Good morning, but did you know you left your garage
door open this morning?"

He replied " No I'm sure I shut it before I left for work."

She said.... "No I do believe you have left your garage door open."

"No" he said...I definitely remember shutting the door."

"Well, she said, I'm telling you, that you left the garage door open."

The bank manager went into his office and sat at his desk and looked down
and indeed realised that he had left his garage door open.
He got up and went back out to his secretary's desk. "Well" he said. "You
were right, I did in fact, leave the garage door open. But tell me did you
see the Rolls Royce?"

"Well no", said the secretary. "I was expecting to see a Hummer and 2 large
tyres, but all I saw was a Volkswagen and two flats!

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She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in
almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me
this very moment.' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still
dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the
moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen
table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, Her 'T'
shirt still around her neck. A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all
about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

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An aspiring chef died after eating a bowl of 'super hot' chilli sauce for a
dare, an inquest heard.
Andrew Lee suffered a heart attack the morning after betting a friend he
could eat the hottest dish.

The 33-year-old - who had just passed a medical - complained of itching all
over his body as he tried to sleep after the meal.
Girlfriend Samantha Bailey woke in the morning and discovered him dead in
bed beside her. The mother of four called paramedics but they could not
revive him. Toxicology tests are now being carried out to see if the Mr
Lee, a forklift truck driver from Edlington,
Doncaster, suffered a fatal reaction to the dish or whether anything else
contributed to his death.

Cooking was one of Mr Lee's main interests and he made the dish with red
chillies grown specially for the contest by dad John on his allotment, the
Doncaster hearing was told. Mr Lee's sister, Claire Chadbourne, 29, said
that he took a jar of the sauce to the home of his girlfriend, Samantha
Bailey, and challenged her brother Michael, 29, to see who could eat it.

"Andrew just ate the chillies with a plate of Dolmio sauce," she said. "It
was not a proper meal because he had already eaten lamb chops and potato
mash after work. "He apparently got into bed at 2.30am and started
scratching all over. His girlfriend scratched his back until he fell
asleep. She woke up and he had gone. It is incredible. Who would have
thought he could have died from eating chilli sauce?

"We don't know of anything else that could have caused his death. The post
mortem showed no heart problems. "He loved cooking for his friends. He
always said he wanted to be a chef but didn't want to start at the
bottom." ( why not I ask? the rump is one of the tenderest cuts! )

Andrew's mother Pamela said: "He was a strapping lad. We can only put it
down to the sauce.

Sue Baic, spokesman for British Dietetic Association, warned that chillies
should only ever be eaten in moderation, and should be included in a
recipe rather than eaten raw.

"Anything that is an unpleasant experience for the body is likely to be a
risk," she said. Chillies are believed to reduce cholesterol, cut the risk
of cancer and boost the immune system.

An inquest was opened and adjourned in Doncaster last week.

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*****URGENT WARNING*****

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line,
do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton", do not open it.
It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day he
comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale ' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It
is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks
the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well,
it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside
and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the
rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house,
Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family
before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first
person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No
problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty
dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner
progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over
and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs
her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right
there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her
dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but
no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the
mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which
way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her
dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe
remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right,
that's enough, I'll do the f*#!ing dishes!'

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A refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and
emptying them into his dustcart.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so he has a quick
look for it, goes round the back of the house, but still can't see it.

So, against the rules of the refuse collector's code but in the spirit of
kindness, he knocks on the door. There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again  much harder.
Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door.

'Harro!' says the Japanese chappie.

'Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?' asks the collector.

'I bin on toiret' explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man
smiles and tries again.

'No mate, where's your dust bin?'

'I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man  still
perplexed.

'Listen,' says the collector.

'You're misunderstanding me. Where's your  w h e e l i e  bin?'

'Ok. Ok ' replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin ...

'I wheelie bin havin s*x wirra wife's sister!'

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After so many years of working together, Holmes and Watson have discovered
that the other is a practising homos*xual. They decide to consummate their
friendship. Watson rushes into the bedroom and assumes the position on all
fours. Holmes goes into the kitchen,
returns with a half-lemon, and squeezes the juice all down the crack of
Watson`s hairy vertical smile. Watson blusters, "What the devil`s the
meaning of this Holmes?" Holmes replies, "Lemon entry, my dear Watson,
lemon entry".

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BJ ETIQUETTE FOR MEN (as stated by women)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard
practice to come on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last heard,
deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really
WANT puke on your d*ck?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through
your head - I'm bloated and I feel like sh*t so no, I don't feel
particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have s*x right
now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls -
if you're that desperate, go j*rk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me
I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards
is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the
future

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the
origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good
at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the
protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get bl*w jobs
often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either
sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss
it good morning."

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People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at
the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the
front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from
evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who
sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I am?

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of
me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.'


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Degrees of Blondness

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The
very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How
should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know If the coast
is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her
the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her so she goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door
she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, 'Go ahead, ask me. I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy ... it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her U.S.
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ...'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and
what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

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When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak at the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.

Ever wondered why?

Because she smells like a new ute.

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Human Slinky performing during basketball half-time at Creighton
University, Omaha, Nebraska:
 Click here

Remarkable Photographs From Hurricane Ike
 Click here

Michael (the real) Palin for President.
 Click here

Eight Years Later...
 Click here

I was sitting at a local outdoor cafe having lunch by myself and two men
came and sat down at my table.... I gave them the death look, but they
just casually stayed at my table and wouldn't leave me alone. I shined up
my ring on my married finger, then placed my hand on the table and I
hinted to them that I was married and that I was not interested in them.

Luckily for me they got the hint and left, but thankfully the whole thing
was captured on the Cafe's camera. I'm sending you this picture as a
warning - just in case they try and pick you up too.

Honestly, some men think they are God's gift ...
 Click here

I hope he never figures out he is a cat!
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New F-35B STOL - First Flight
 Click here

Aging jokes aren't as funny any more. Why is that?

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Romantic
 Click here

Winners of the OSHA safe work place contest.
 Click here

Clever but a tiny bit yucky!
 Click here

Birds and Sayings
 Click here

It all comes back
 Click here

Retirement Home
 Click here

Pied Piper?
 Click here

Beach Soccer
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Water.
 Click here

Friday to Monday
 Click here

Olympic fever (sorry it's a bit late...)
 Click here

The joys of field work, have a look at these photos from the office here
today.
The driver was slowly driving along a bush track in a Nissan Patrol Ute and
the front wheel ran over a dead branch on the side of the road, it flicked
up, and by chance drove up and through the plastic drain plug in the floor
pan, and then up through the seat.
If someone had been sitting in the passenger seat, it would have been a
very nasty accident as it protruded some 150mm up through the seat.
The recommended action will be a steel plate over the drain plugs I would
think.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

F-4 Phantom vs. Concrete Wall at 500 mph.
When viewing this clip you'll get a good feel for what happens to an
airplane when it hits a concrete wall. Many of you have seen the Michael
Moore-esque website that asks the question; 'If it's true that a Boeing
airliner hit the Pentagon, what happened to all the parts of it? Why did
we not find more pieces of it? Where did all that mass GO? Well, for those
who question what happened to
'all the mass of that airplane'...watch. It's an Air Force engineering test
of a concrete barrier that was to surround a nuclear reactor dome, to see
if it would indeed survive an aerial attack. With the high speed cameras
rolling, they attached an F-4 Phantom to the sled and then pumped up the
speed to 500 MPH and... 'What happens when an 'Unstoppable Force' meets an
'Immovable Object'?'
Watch in slow motion as the F-4 turns to vapour. You'll play it more than
once just to believe it. Where did all the 'flying parts' go?
 Click here

Deep tissue massage (sound on).
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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