Friday humour - September 26, 2008

Greetings from Nottingham Smithie - contributions have been a little thin
on the ground this week, so this weeks edition is not as large as it could
be.
I have had a major rebuild on my computer due to a lightning strike, and it
has been a nightmare to get this edited. Outlook Express keeps sending a
pop-up onto my screen about do I want to compact messages, this is
happening every few seconds, whether I am using outlook express or not, so
if anybody out there knows how to stop this happening please please e-mail
me with any suggestions. The engineer reloaded OE because it was the only
thing left not to work after the rebuild, now when I close down these
pop-ups there is another one underneath waiting to disrupt proceedings.
Anyway enough of my moaning on with the humour.......

Thank You to all the contributors, who I try to credit as I go along, if I
have missed anybody out my most profuse apologies.


From: Burnout

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any
s*x in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to
seek the medical expertise of a s*x therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese s*x therapist
Dr.
Chang. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang s aid 'OK take off all your
crose.'
The woman did as she was told.
'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'
So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed
Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf s*x or dates.'
Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary
Disease ?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face
look Ed Zachary like your ar*e.'

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From: Burnout

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was
finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner
and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They
discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old
gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical
relationship. 'How do you feel about s*x?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly
for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and
whispered:

'Is that one word or two?'

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From: Burnout

Mummy and Daddy Balloon have a baby balloon.

Whilst baby balloon was very young he was allowed to sleep with mummy and
daddy but one day daddy had to take his son aside and say "sorry son but
you're growing fast there is no room in our bed any more so you are going
to have to sleep in your own bed from now on".

Baby balloon wasn't happy sleeping on his own and so crept into his parents
room in the early hours let a little bit of air out of his mummy and then a
little out of his daddy and then some air out of himself.

Daddy awoke in the morning and was really furious!

He dragged his son to one side and said "Son, you've let me down! your
mother down! but worst of all you've let yourself down!"

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From: Croydon Caz

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect gift,
post-work c*cktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the
holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings). However, lately I've been wondering
about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences:

1. Phone Calls
While I agree with you that communication is important. I question the
suggestion that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or
necessity. Why would you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for
a fact , they DO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all
hours of the night.

2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco
with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips
(washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese
curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater but, I think you went
too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me
to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that
appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it
should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into
the lock.

4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little
penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order.
But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire
day is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are t aken (w ater,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out
(face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily
activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when
I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Friday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions.
And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership..

Thank you,

            Your Biggest Fan


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From: Croydon Caz -
The Perfect Woman


A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for
another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why
do you keep looking in your pocket?'
The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good
enough, I'll go home.'

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From: Moose - Golf joke......

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at
his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know how  I could
relieve your pain - if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage
for several long moments and asked,'How does that  feel'?


He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

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From: Moose

A Year three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to
ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their
answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,
'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had f*ck all', he says, 'F-#-*-K A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some
rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of New Guinea. Peter is able to tell
her which ocean is off New Zealand's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the
nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in
bed with my mother.
That's why I got f#*k all for breakfast'.

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 From: Muse
Short Film Winner at Cannes 2008! WOW!


                 Short Film Winner at Cannes 2008 !

                (4 minutes but worth the watch)


                This is so beautiful....

                With a stroke of the pen, a stranger transforms the
afternoon for another man in this emotionally stirring short film by
Alonso
Alvarez.

 Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie ---------Stress reliever BRILLIANT.........

Keep this  handy on your PC for when you need a stress  reliever.

Click on German Bears
 Click here
and move your mouse cursor across the bears.

You do not have to click mouse button.

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 From: Nottingham Smithie - Blonde Story


Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department,
one would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
hole in.They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest,
one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are
putting in to your work,
but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner
follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed,
'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a
three-person team.But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

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 From: Nottingham Smithie ---------TRUER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN

'Whatever you give a woman,
she's going to multiply.
If you give her a house,
she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries,
she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile,
she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'

So - if you give her crap,
you will receive more sh*t than any one human being can handle!

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 From: Nottingham Smithie ----------- Mural

This is amazing (click  web address below-on bottom of description)

LOOK  CLOSELY BY CLICKING ON ANY PART OF THE  MURAL

For those not living  in the West, Cochrane is NW of Calgary and east of
Banff , in the foothills of  the Rockies .This mural  was unveiled last
week at the  Cochrane Ranch House. Each tile is 1 foot square  and has
it's own individual picture. Each tile is by a  different artist. All of
them placed together  form this huge  mural.
You can click on each of the  tiles to see them in detail.
Check out the horse's  eye.
 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

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From: Stumpy Steve

This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun Newspaper....!!

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in Torry, Aberdeen and
one of my sisters, is married to a guy from England.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for dealing crack cocaine
and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes..
I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in
Peterhead Prison for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other
currently being held in Craiginches on-remand centre on charges of incest
with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed
is still a part time working girl in a brothel; however, her time there is
limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry
as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of
opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her knowledge of the
industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be
interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to
prostitute it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the
heroin.

My problem is this:
I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of
course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being English?

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From: Whizzbang ---------- Little Johnny

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds
And the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and
Fall in love, nine months later the stork  usually brings them a little
baby from
Its nest.

Little Johnny at the back of the class puts his
Hand up and asks the teacher, are  you sure about the stork miss? Cos
My big sister just got a little baby and she said  it was from a shag at
the beach.!!!

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From: Whizzbang -------------Hospital's today

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital.
She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how
a patient is doing?'
The operator said 'I'll be glad to help, dear.
What's the name and room number?'
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said,
'Norma Findlay, Room 302.'
The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while
I check with her nurse.' After a few minutes the operator returned to the
phone, 'Oh, good news.
Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her
physician, Dr. Smith has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.'
The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful!
I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome.
Is Norma your daughter?'
The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302.
No one tells me sh*t.

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From: Whizzbang -----------Sex in the Shower?

In a recent survey, people who are Collingwood supporters have proved to be
the most likely to have had s*x in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86%
of
Collingwood supporters said that they have enjoyed s*x in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison. Yet!

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 From: Anonymous ----------------------- (EX) Pictures of the year

 Click here


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From: Anonymous --------------------- Italian TV talk show.......

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

one is the hostess for an Italian TV talk show.
the other is the hostess for an American TV talk show.
Where in the hell did we go wrong?

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From: Burnout

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
walking with his legs spread wide apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has
Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached
him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and
couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the
syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you
think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said:
"You thought, but you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old
man said: "You thought, but you are wrong."
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
The old man said: "We were all wrong, I thought it was wind, now can one of
you direct me to a toilet?"

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 From: Burnout ------------------------Th' Duck & th' Dog
 Click here

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From: Cartographer Chris

THIS ONE'S FOR ALL THE VEGETARIANS....

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Duke of Barsinov
 News update
 Click here

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 From: Muse
Brazilian candid camera

 Click here

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 From: Muse
 Cut

 Click here

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From: Muse

 Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie
  just seconds to get the shot

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

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 From: Nottingham Smithie
  Perception

 Click here

This was interesting ......

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From: Nottingham Smithie
If you have to pay, you can have your say!

 Click here Click here


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 From: Nottingham Smithie
 More Pictures of Houston and Galveston
 Click here


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 From: Whizzbang
 These are made from Scotch Tape!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
 Ever felt like this?

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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From: Whizzbang
 USS Kitty Hawk in Western Pacific...

 Click here

USS Kitty Hawk in Western Pacific...


           You've got to see this.

           It's not often you see a big-deck carrier take seas over the
bow.
To put
           it in perspective, those have to be at least 40-footers. You can
see the
           ship shudder when it hits them (camera wiggle). Must have been a
fun-ride.
           Wonder if she had escorts with her? You can bet the Air Boss was
wishing
           he had that chopper parked a lot farther aft.

                  Great day for fishing in a 12 foot tinny


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 From: Whizzbang
 Absolutely amazing magic trick HesGone.wmv [1/2]

 Click here


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From: Whizzbang
 how to punish bad people!

 Click here


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 From: Whizzbang
 Very smart dog

 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
 C-130 DESERT CRASH

 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
 LOGGING TRUCK INCIDENT

 Click here

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 From: Whizzbang
 Saw you in the Park ............

 Click here


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 From: Whizzbang
 Kickboxing

 Click here

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Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World
Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that  he had
long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was
testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised
him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu
refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner
he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from
someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate
suckness ey"
"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your
balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to
take my test tickets off me!"

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[ End friday humour ]

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