Friday humour - September 19, 2008

Last week the Media was full of rubbish about the world being (possibly)
swallowed up in a black hole; these trite performances were just to assist
in the ratings game or sell more papers, magazines or whatever.
The day two, yes just two, protons giving each other a slap can be the
destroyer of worlds…… well dreary me!
Everyday it seems I come across something in the Media which proves “you
can con most of the people……….” They should be ashamed of themselves.

Any how, the other day I ran across this gem below, which goes to prove
that the world and the people in it were not so uptight and could have a
bit of fun now & then back in the (good) old days.

On the current theme of 'meddling scientists' (see LHC) I thought I'd share
this excellent nuclear reactor related story;


The setting is the Sequoyah Nuclear Plant in Chattanooga, TN. The date is
about 1979 or 80 and we're starting that sucker up for the first time.

I was the shift test engineer, running the start-up test program on the
evening shift. Most testing is conducted from the control room. In order
to get to the control room, a stroll across the turbine deck is necessary.
This deck contains the huge (1200 MWe) turbines and a variety of support
equipment. The floor is tiled and the 10 story tall walls are slightly
tinted glass. A glorious sight when bathed in the afternoon sun.

As I was strolling toward the control room, I noticed an Aux. Operator
standing near a device called a moisture separator/reheater. This device
is a large heat exchanger, about 40 feet long and 20 feet in diameter. Its
purpose is to reheat the steam exhausting from the high pressure turbine in
order to dry it before being introduced into the low pressure turbines. On
top of this device is a large safety relief valve with a tailpipe that
extended almost 10 floors through the roof. When this valve opens, steam
at about 900 psi exhausts to atmosphere through this ~36" tailpipe. The
tailpipe is hung from spring hangers and simply floats on the exhaust
flange of the safety valve which allows the pipe to move under thermal
expansion.

Anyway, this operator was standing along side the reheater. In one hand was
a walkie-talkie and in the other hand was a lanyard that ran to the manual
trip lever on one of the safeties. This was not unusual, as the
functionality of these critical valves is tested fairly often. Normally
when the valve trips, there is some steam escaping around the valve, a
loud shriek and a large steam cloud on the roof.

As I was almost to the control room, the operator got some activity on the
handi-talkie and pulled the manual trip lanyard. The noise from the H-T
had gotten my attention and I looked around just in time for the valve
opening.
FOOOMsssss!!!! The whole damn tailpipe jumped up about 6 inches in the air
before settling back down.

Since this behaviour was quite abnormal, I asked the operator what was
going on. He pointed to the elevator and suggested I go to the roof to
find out. I rode the elevator 5 floors and hoofed it up 5 flights of
stairs and onto the roof. I noticed about 10 guys standing around near the
tailpipe.

As I stepped out, I saw about 6 guys hoisting A 55 GALLON DRUM up and over
the tailpipe. Whoosh. It hit bottom 10 floors below.

A message on the handi-talkie and BOOOMssss!!! That damn 55 gallon drum
full of 600 pounds of water had been launched literally out of sight by
900 psi of steam.

It stayed out of sight a good 30 seconds before it came into view again,
hurtling down over the Chickamauga lake. When it hit the lake, it looked
like a depth charge going off.

I did a 180 degree twist and headed back down the stairs as fast as my
little feet would carry me. As Shultz on Hogan's Heroes used to say, "I
saw notsing.. I hear notsing.. I know notsing..". I did keep a piece of
strip chart recording that showed the dip in steam pressure that doc*ments
the launch :-)

I heard a few days later that one of their ICBD (Inter County Ballistic
Drums) had been caught by a gust of wind and had come down on a car in the
parking lot, thus ending the era of the nuclear powered missile. The funny
thing is, no one would ever admit to knowing how that drum ended up on the
car, which ended up about 6 inches tall :-) So if anyone asks if America
has ever launched a nuclear powered missile, you can answer truthful YES!

[By the way, I've waited 30 years to tell this story to ensure that my
memory of the names of those involved has thoroughly faded just in case
the nuke police were to get interested.]

So now, on to this weeks funny stuff………

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Not cut out to be President.... from Anonymous (Not sure if this is funny,
ED)

  Click here

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Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in
Mexico

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and
place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening
was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few
bites,
inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.

Sometimes the bull wins.'
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From: Billm

Pick the married couple!
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.

 The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their s*x
lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in
some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink,
the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I
went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other
people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather
bodice,
black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad
passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story!  When my
fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask,
leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we
not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

 The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I
made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long
scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight
leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch
stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband,  Brian, got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the
remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'

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The Council Job

A man named Terry  goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything? 'He answers 'Yes -
caffeine' 'Have you ever been in the services?' 'Yes,' he says.
'I was in Iraq for two years. 'The interviewer says,
'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,'  and then asks, 'Are
you disabled in any way? The guy says, 'Yes 100%...a bomb exploded near me
and blew my testicles off. 'The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that
case, I can hire you right now.
Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM. You can start tomorrow at
10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day. 'The guy is puzzled and
says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2
PM, why don't  you want me to be here before 10 AM?'
''This is a council job,' the interviewer says.
'For the first two hours we  just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
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Your Editor sent in these:

Bubba goes to the tent revival and listens to the preacher. After a while,
the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.
Bubba slowly rises from his chair and gets in line.
When it's his turn, the preacher says, 'Bubba, what you want me to pray
about?'
Bubba says, 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'
So the preacher puts his right finger in Bubba's right ear and his left
hand on top of his head and prays a while. Then the preacher puts his left
finger in Bubba's left ear and his right hand on top of his head and prays
some more.
After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands and says,
'Bubba, how's your hearing now?'
Bubba says, 'I don't know, preacher, it ain't til next Wednesday.'

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Chap is fishing and hooks a salmon. Reels it in and is just going to kill
it for his dinner when it looks at him
"Hey mate, don't kill me, I'm only a baby, I haven't swum the 7 seas yet,
Gis a chance pal" says the salmon
The man looks at the salmon
"You can talk"
"Course I can, go on put me back, there's much bigger fish under the
bridge"
"All right", says the man, "I'll put you back, what's your name?"
"Rusty" says the salmon, "And yours?"
"Dave"
He puts the fish back in the water and resolves to say nothing of this to
anyone, fearing that he'll become a laughing stock.
10 years later he's fishing in the same spot and he hooks a monster. It
takes him 2 hours to land it. He looks at it and pictures it on his dinner
plate. Just then the salmon opens one eye and looks at him
"Dave, is that you"?
"Rusty, I don't believe it, it must be 10 years since I let you go, what
you been doing?"
"well Dave, I've had a fantastic time, I've swum the 7 seas and all the
oceans. In fact , I've just come across the Atlantic, but I was really
disturbed"
"Why's that Rusty?"
"Well, I was half way across and a voice told me to swim deeper, so I did,
deeper and deeper, and I found this huge shipwreck, I counted 4 funnels, it
felt like death so I had to leave"
"wow rusty, that was the Titanic, sank with almost all on board lost"
"Ah, I knew it, in fact, I was so upset I had to sit down and write a poem
about it" said Rusty
"A poem, don't talk daft, you're just a fish, how can you write a poem,
that's rubbish"
"No Dave, really, it's available in all bookshops now"
"Ok" says Dave, "what's it called than?"

"Salmon Rustys Titanic Verses".

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A Year three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to
ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their
answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,
'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had f*ck all', he says, 'F-#-*-K A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some
rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of New Guinea. Peter is able to tell
her which ocean is off New Zealand's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the
nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in
bed with my mother.
That's why I got f#*k all for breakfast'.
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Why is the Irish Currency called a punt?
.
.
.
.
.
Because it rhymes with bank manager.

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From: Cartographer Chris
BEST EMAIL IN AWHILE!

Absolutely love this one....says it all in a nutshell!!!!!!!!


  A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant
outside the Perth immigration offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
since you just arrived in Australia with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth,
so I want new teeth,  maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at
the man's almost toothless grin and --  PING! -- he had a brand new
shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?'  asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car
garage in the Suburbs with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my
refugee relatives who still live in my  country. I want to bring them all
over here..

'  PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a
three car garage, a  long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ ,
overlooking the river.
 'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.  'Yes, one more wish.

I want to be like an Australian with Australian clothes instead of manjams,
and a baseball cap instead of this turban.

And I want to have white skin like Australians.

'PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles
T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the
mansion had disappeared from the horizon..

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'


 (THIS IS GOOD  .......)


The fairy said 'Tough luck, D*ck-head, Now that you are an Ozzie, you have
to fend for yourself.'
And she disappeared!


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From: Duke of Barsinov

CURTAIN RODS---- PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her
things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining
room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted
on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a
few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with
his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set
off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in
the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing
worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not
find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their
calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a
new place.

;

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said
that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price
that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she
were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

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From: Front Range Barbie

Friday is Fish Day


A husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had
been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,
emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet
needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after
allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the male therapist
got up, walked around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand,
embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised
eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist
turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least
three times a week. Can you do this? 'The husband thought for a moment and
replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I fish.

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From: Front Range Barbie

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball
player.  They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place.   They
start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.  On his arm, he has a
tattoo that says REEBOK.  'What's that?' the lady questions.   'Oh, I have
this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays
me.'  Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo
that says NIKE.
'What's that?' the lady questions again.   'Just like the Reebok tattoo, I
get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.   Then the man drops his
underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.  You didn't
tell me you had
AIDS!' the lady screams.   'No, no! Calm down, 'the man replies. 'This will
say ADIDAS in a minute.

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Dear Walter:  I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work
leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone
more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I
got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbour lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have bee n married for
twelve years. When I confronted him, he admitted that they had been having
an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling
increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since
I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to
counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you
please help?
Sincerely, Distraught in North Carolina.

Dear Distraught:  A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be
caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there
is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none
of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself is faulty, causing low delivery   pressure to the carburettor float
chamber.
I hope this helps.   Walter

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A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball
player.  They start to talk, and eventually, go back to his place.   They
start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.  On his arm, he has a
tattoo that says REEBOK.  'What's that?' the lady questions.   'Oh, I have
this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays
me.'  Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo
that says NIKE.
'What's that?' the lady questions again.   'Just like the Reebok tattoo, I
get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV.   Then the man drops his
underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.  You didn't
tell me you had
AIDS!' the lady screams.   'No, no! Calm down, 'the man replies. 'This will
say ADIDAS in a minute.
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A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill  Downs) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting  industry (Bourbon), but
mostly to see the horses.  When it was time to take the children to the
bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the
boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the  little boy's up one by one holding onto their 'wee
wees' to direct the flow.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was  unusually well
endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in
the 4th grade.'
'No, ma'am, he replied, 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.

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Jewish Poker Club
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo club house when
Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead
at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five
continue playing standing up. Finklestein looks around and asks, 'So,
who's gonna tell his wife? 'They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the two of
clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle,
don't make a bad situation any worse. 'Discreet?
I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle
name.
Leave it to me. 'Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks
on the door. The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: 'Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is
afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!' yells the wife. 'I'll go tell him.' says Goldberg.

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A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville , Florida , and sees a
card advertising for a gynaecologist's assistant. 'Can you give me some
more details about this?', he asks the guy behind the desk. The clerk
sorts through the files and replies - 'Oh yes here it is: 'The job entails
you getting the lady patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help
them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital
regions. You then apply shaving foam to gently shave off all their pubic
hair, and then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the
gynaecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000 and you're going to have to go to
Oxford
Mississippi to apply That's about 620 miles from here.' 'Is that where the
job's at?' asks the applicant.
The clerk replies: 'No sir - that's where the end of the line is!

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From: Muse

Good advice!
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in
the act.

For $100, the cabbie agrees.


Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his
wife in bed with another man!


The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible.
HE paid for your Oilers's season tickets.
HE paid for your Eskimos' season tickets.
HE paid for our lake front house at Sylvan Lake.
HE paid for our cottages in Kelowna and Canmore.
HE paid for our speed boat.
HE paid for your country club membership, and
HE even pays for your monthly dues!'


Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'


The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches
a cold.'

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From: Nottingham Smithie

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and  boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every  day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved  ones are too busy to give you any
time,
If you can take criticism and  blame without resentment,
If you can resist treating a rich friend  better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension  without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


 ..Then You Are Probably  The Family Dog!


And you thought I was going to get all spiritual with this, huh?!

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Differences between Grandfathers and Grandmothers

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort
with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his
7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
Just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that
she would take their granddaughter out.
 When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, PaPa'
the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb
bastard or lousy sh*t head anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it.

(It sure does - ED)

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Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a
virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers
naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he
whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you,
I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss
ask. What chu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly,
which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear
about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he asks her....
'You want........Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'

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Skoda

One day a 12-year old boy was walking down the street when  a car pulled up
beside him, and the window was wound down.

 "I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car"  said the male
driver.

 "No way, get stuffed" replied the boy.
 How about a bag of lollies and £10?" asked the driver.

 "I said no way" replied the irritated youngster.

 "What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY QUID, eh?" quizzed  the driver,
still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
 "No, I'm not getting in the fricken car!" answered the boy.

 "OK, I know what you want. I'll give you £100 and a bag of  lollies" the
driver offered.

 "NO" screamed the boy.
 "What will it take to get you into the car?" asked the  driver with a long
sigh.

 The boy replied "Listen Dad, you bought the Skoda, you  live with  it."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Stumpy Steve

Little boy asks his dad where does "POO" come from ???. Dad replies....food
passes down the esophagus to stomach where the digestive enzymes induce a
probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal to extract protein before waste
products desend via colon and return to emerge as "POO"...................
"Blimey" says the little boy.... and what about "TIGGER"......

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang who's been: Driving in Mackay (Qld)

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN MACKAY

1. Indicators will give away your next move.
A real Mackay driver never uses them.

2. Under no circ*mstances should you leave a safe distance between you and
the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space, putting
you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered 'going
with the flow.'

4. The faster you drive through a red light,
the less chance you have of getting hit.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive repairs. The
other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal
pulsates.
For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures,
given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the metro area
during rush hour.

8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
rush-hour traffic in Mackay.

9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone
changing a tyre.

10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD
drivers.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Mackay is the home of High-Speed Slalom
Driving thanks to the Urban services, which puts potholes in key locations
to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes, not forgetting the
'Test your skill' chicanes in suburbs.

12. It is traditional in Mackay to honk your horn at cars that don't move
the instant the light changes.

13. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

14. Never take a green light at face value.
Always look right and left before proceeding.


15. Remember that the goal of every
Mackay driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

16. Real Mackay women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at
75 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

17. Real Mackay men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 95 kph in
bumper-to-bumper traffic.

18. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously
listed rules.
These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process
for panel beaters, junkyards, and new vehicle sales. It is an acceptable
practice to increase your speed in comparison to the rate of rain fall, i.
e.: the harder it rains,
the faster you go.

19. There is a commonly held belief in
Mackay that high-speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol
consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front.

20. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses
because, Hell - they have brakes.

21. It is an essential duty of the driver to preserve the life of his
passengers. Hence no matter how much of an inconvenience it may be, always
find a detour around Evans Avenue and
Malcomsen Street.


22. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one-way street.

23. It's O. K when driving in South Mackay to air your grievances at bad
drivers by giving the 'one finger salute' while sreaming out '#%*#'.
However, it is imperative you are driving at least a
5-litre V8 with a crow bar in your lap.

24. Mackay drivers are experts at merging,
when in two or more lanes travelling in the same direction, ensure that if
you see someone politely indicating, waiting slowly trying to merge into
your lane, show them that they must 'Wait their turn' to use your lane.
Speed up, try to cut them off,
should they succeed and get into your lane never mind that it was actually
legal for them to do that,
ensure that your flash your lights, honk your horn,
use extreme hand gestures, even tailgate them,
just to let them know, IT WAS YOUR LANE.

25. Ensure that when merging into traffic travelling at any more than 40kph
that you stop in the merging lane, backing up traffic for miles behind you,
ensuring that you have given yourself or no-one else that opportunity to
merge. Again, forget that the traffic handbook states that you should
speed up to meet traffic speed then merge. If you are travelling in a lane
near a merge lane, don't changes lanes to make it easy for them, instead
see rule 24, after all they deserve it.

26. While using Mackay roundabouts, particularly two lane roundabouts,
ENSURE that you are in the left lane to turn right, or the right to turn
left, hell lets keep those people in those other lanes on their toes.

27. If you are an Transit bus driver, you must win at all costs, getting to
your destination prior to any other driver is life and death.
Never worry about your passengers bouncing round in the back like tennis
balls,
hell it's a cheap form of theme park,
in fact Mackay's very own.

28. Mackay Cabs, Taxis and hire cars,
see rule 27, except you are now qualifying for the GMC 400.

29. Pedestrian crossings - Sorry, missed that one?

30. Lycra worn by cyclists is a great means of keeping your car clean. Make
sure you ride as close as possible so you can clean the side of your car on
every cyclist you pass

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Great Poetry

A Woman's Poem

Before I lay me down to sleeep
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always always be my very best friend.


A Man's Poem

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
With huge b**bs who owns a bar on a golf course
And loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

missing panties

  The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her
ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.  The Swede
immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency,
here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear

  Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.  'Blessed
Virgin
Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?  She replies, 'I can't afford any
on the money you give me.  Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For
the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!

  Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.  'Sweet mudder
of
Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'  She too explains,
'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.  The Scotsman
reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a
comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This time from From: Zalaga
Nuns and Golf:

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she
lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior, "I thought this was
the day you  spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister, "and I went to play golf with my brother. We
play golf as often as we can. You know, I was quite a talented golfer
before
I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day
of recreation  was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in
vain today!

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell
me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par
5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my
life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying
straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in
mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't
make you blaspheme, Sister!'

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom
what had happened, a squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and
runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself!
So while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk swoops
out of the sky, grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still
clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"No, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished. "Because as the
hawk flew out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, the hawk  dropped
him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and
rolled to within 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare  and said... "You missed the f*****g
putt,
didn't you?"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And now it's the Vision thing:

From: Front Range Barbie

Fountain in China - pretty amazing...


Keep watching . . . . it gets better and better

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Anonymous - Great Photos

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Funny T-shirts...these are priceless

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How do you spell Eucalyptus?

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

NEVER FORGET -  9/11 pictures (It's that time of the year again -ED)

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Your Editor sent in some More Kodak moments

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

& a lovely little Test for you so near the end of School Term:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Along with some Vegetable Humour

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Some Posters to Motivate you:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

For those who think we're sporting about losing the Rugby:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Croydon Caz
I know.....I'll just go and walk across those concrete
bollards............(Won't be doing this again - ED)

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Digi Maria
Weird photos:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Digi Maria
Art & Philosophy:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Diks
pink bikini...lmao!

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From: Diks
Adult Motivational posters (X)

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: Diks
Relieve your frustrations here..(For the Criminally Insane - ED)

 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Front Range Barbie
BACON GREASE

F YOU HAVE EVER

INGESTED BACON GREASE OF ANY FORM.......PLEASE READ THIS!!!  I KNEW SOMEONE
THIS HAPPENED TO!                                        The  question is:
Do you use bacon grease?  We were raised on bacon grease (lard) as kids and
even into adulthood. I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours
away whenever you fry bacon from now on. (It seems as though nothing is
safe to eat anymore.)    COOKING WITH BACON GREASE    I just threw out my
container of saved bacon grease that I used for fried rice, fried
potatoes,
fried eggs,

etc . This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease. Send
this warning to everyone you care about.       It could happen to you.
*         *         *         *         *       *         *         *     ;
Bacon grease will make your feet small !

Warn Everyone !

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Checkout this cake!


 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Get a yob

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ice Skating Anyone??

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Does this happen to you in the mornings?
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Kaos_reflex
Three new navy vessels:

Positions available for former defence personnel, Vacancies range from
CAPTAINS,FLIGHT CREW, AS,GUNNERY, BUFFERS, & any other job you desire,  so
don't hesitate apply now.

 Click here

The USS REAGAN


Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into
perspective.... ENORMOUS!
BEAUTIFUL!

When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this
monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres.  Her displacement is
about 100,000 tons with full complement.   

Capability

Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can
operate for more than 20 years without refueling  
1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft  
3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per
hour in less than 400 feet

Size

1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline  
2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4.  4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200  pounds
5.  2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6.  4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 sq ft capacity
7. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel  
8. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
9.  18,150 meals served daily
10.  Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea
water daily, enough for 2,000 homes
11.  Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400
telephones
12. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
13. Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation  
14. Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway
operations (Sailor's salaries included).
______________________________

The HMAS Gough Whitlam
 
 Click here

Sunday, July 20, 2008 Sydney.  Headed for Newcastle,  the Australian
welcomed the latest member of its fleet today. The HMAS Gough Whitlam set
sail today from its home port of Sydney.  


The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to
Prime Minister Whitlam for his foresight in military budget cuts and his
conduct while Prime Minister.
 
The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is
completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.  It boasts an
ar*enal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet
aircraft which, although they cannot be launched or captured on the 100
foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.
 
As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.
 
The 20 person crew is completely diversified, including members of all
races, creeds, s*x, and s*xual orientation.
 
This crew, like the crew aboard the Manly Ferry, is specially trained to
avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of Australia at all costs!
   
An on-board Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of
apology in any language to anyone who may find Australia offensive.  The
number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and
disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
The ship's purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defence,
but instead in times of conflict, the HMAS Gough Whitlam has orders to
seek refuge in New Zealand.
The ship may be positioned near the Labour Party Headquarters for
photo-ops.
The Whitlam's should be very proud.

And the newest:

The HMAS Kevin Rudd, sailing in from South East Asia

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Collingwood for ever

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Moose
DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE A BAD JOB ...?

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

More new posters.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Frankfurt car show - what car??????? (XX)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Snow Fairy!
You have been chosen to receive the Blessing of the Snow Fairy! The Snow
Fairy will bring you good luck for one year! May you be blessed by his good
deeds!.....

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


From Muse:
TalkingPhotoBooth

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Nottingham Smithie
  Dolphins playing with air bubbles

The attached video is of dolphins playing with silver-coloured 'rings'
which they have the ability to make under water to play with. It isn't
known how they learn this, or if it's an inbred ability. As if by magic
the dolphin does a quick flip of its head and a silver ring appears in
front of its pointed beak.

The ring is a solid, donut-shaped bubble about 2-ft across, yet it doesn't
rise to the surface of the water. It stands upright in the water like a
magic doorway to an unseen dimension. The dolphin then 'pulls' a small
silver donut from the larger one. Looking at the twisting ring for one
last time the dolphin takes a bite from it, causing the small ring to
collapse into thousands of tiny bubbles which head upward to the water's
surface.
After a few moments the dolphin creates another ring to play with.

One explanation of how dolphins make these silver rings is that they are
'air-core vortex rings.' Invisible, spinning vortices in the water are
generated from the tip of a dolphin's dorsal fin when it is moving rapidly
and turning.  When dolphins break the line, the ends are drawn together
into a closed ring. The higher velocity fluid around the core of the
vortex is at a lower pressure than the fluid circulating farther away. Air
is injected into the rings via bubbles released from the dolphin's
blowhole.  The energy of the water vortex is enough to keep the bubbles
from rising for a reasonably few seconds of play time.

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Military humour!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: The Great Gussius
Conspiracy theory proof. (Proof positive, it seems - ED)

Secret men's business from the Hollywood backlot. Proof that the Moon
mission was really filmed in the studio.

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Accident at Theresa Creek (Some persons may be distressed here - ED)

Truck accident at Theresa Creek, 15km outside of Emerald last week.  All
the cattle had to be put down, amazingly the truck driver survived but is
in hospital.

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From: Whizzbang
Things that make you go eewww!! (X)

More things that make you say....  OMG !!!

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Art of Begging Jeune:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Some colourful crap to brighten your day...

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Thief Vs Pitbull (DO NOT OPEN IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH -ED)

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

You were Warned!
  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Would you go to dine in this place???

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 From: anonymous
Here Is Some Fun Filled Thought

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

& From Anonymous:

NEW TAFE COURSES FOR WOMEN.
Many women think that they already know  everything, but wait, new training
courses are now available in 2008/2009   for women on the following
subjects:
   1. Silence, the Final Frontier : Where No Woman Has
Gone Before
   2. The Undiscovered Side Of Banking : Making Deposits
   3. Parties : Going  Without New Outfits
   4. Man Management : Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game
   5. Bathroom Etiquette I : Men Need Space In The
Bathroom Cabinet Too
   6. Bathroom Etiquette ii : His Razor Is His
   7. Communication Skills I : Tears - The Last Resort,
not the First
   8. Communication Skills ii : Thinking Before Speaking
   9. Communication Skills iii : Getting what you Want
Without Nagging
   10. Driving a car Safely : A Skill You CAN Acquire
   11. Telephone Skills : How To Hang Up
   12. Introduction To Parking
   13. Advanced Parking : Backing into a Space
   14. Water Retention : Fact or Fat
   15. Cooking I : Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
   16. Cooking ii : Bran and Tofu are Not for Human
Consumption
   17. Cooking iii : How not to Inflict Your Diets on
Other People
   18. Compliments : Accepting Them Gracefully
   19. PMS :Your Problem .......... Not His
   20. Dancing : Why Men Don't Like To
   21. Classic Clothing : Wearing Outfits You Already Have
   22. Household Dust : A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only
Women Notice
   23. Integrating Your Laundry : Washing It All Together
   24. Oil and Petrol: your Car Needs Both
   25. TV Remotes : For Men Only
   26. Getting Ready to go out : Start the day before
  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Quote of the Week:
From: Gloria Steinem

Law and justice are not always the same. When they aren't, destroying the
law may be the first step toward changing it.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



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[ End friday humour ]

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