Friday humour - September 12, 2008



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


Politics in Oz is in a terrible mess.  The NSW Labor government has
imploded with back stabbing and infighting.

In the West, the Labor government is reaping what it sowed when it called a
totally unnecessary and opportune early election thinking it would walk it
in following the former Opposition Leader's replacement after his "chair
sniffing" episode.

WA Labor has lost government in its own right, but the Libs haven't won
either.  For the first time ever the WA Nationals are considering a
coalition with Labor.

The independent Nationals may be doing well in WA, but they were massacred
in their former Leader's by-election in northern NSW.  And the Libs didn't
fair too well in "Fishnet Stockings" Downer's former SA electorate.

And it would seem that the former treasurer, Peter Costello, has no loyalty
to the Liberal Party ... only loyalty to himself.  He still simply says
he'll sit on the back benches when he's nothing better to do, doing
nothing for even the people of Higgins, until he's ready to move to the
attractive commercial world ... which so far doesn't seem to want him. 
And that's not so strange to understand.  Costello was the main engineer
of WorkChoices and was responsible for so many budgets that fuelled
inflation resulting in so many interest rate rises.  He's Australia's
longest serving Treasurer, and always floated along on the success of the
minerals boom.  Yet there is not one decent piece of infrastructure he
left us after his almost 12 easy years.  He wouldn't challenge little
Honest Johnnie Howard because he thought he'd lose.  If Keating hadn't
challenged Hawke (and initially lost) he'd have never made it to PM. 
Keating had balls.  Costello is nothing but a smirking gutless wonder. 
And all he's doing by staying in parliament is destabilising the current
(populist but unpopular) Liberal Leader.

But hey!  At least we haven't got the "Lipstick on a Pig" Sarah Palin in
Australian politics.  God help the world if she ever replaces John McCain
as
President of America.  The best description I've seen so far about the
Republican duo is "Annie Oakley and her Grandpaw".


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

First up this week is a joke from Biggus

                                    Monkey business

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing
that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started
catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the
villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy
at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching
monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to
their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys
became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone
catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he
had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his
behalf.

In the man's absence, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these
monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to
you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to
him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This week's Burnout collection

                                        Cold Winter

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia
asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the
old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter
was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his
tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of
the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked
out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of
Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be
cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be
quite cold.'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more
wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look
like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold
winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect
every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again.

'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he
asked. 'Absolutely,' the man replied.

'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest
winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals
in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure
sign.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                     Men's business

(A male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the
men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the
time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I
go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around;
just so I'll make sure I hit something.

You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall
because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet,
and his will still manage to all over the roll of toilet paper, down his
left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers
can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed
to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She
has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had
gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked
toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the
seat down,
she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you
and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might
as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need
to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee,
and a so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you
try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend you can't aim,
well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to all over the
wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on
putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the
friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use
one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control
ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will
back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn
fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing
until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that
compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet
seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I
tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told
her...
look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do all the rest
of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I
could manage it, I had p*ssed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall
across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it
forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots
out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of
the bowl. You all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of
our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on
the floor in front of the toilet.

I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary
dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toilet
seat.

This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time
precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during
the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We
are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but
there are times when things just get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.

Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                        Aged Care

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.
Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a
Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit
Grandpa.

'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.

'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,' says
Grandpa.

'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for
you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'

'Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents
here,' Grandpa says with a big smile.

'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin
in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'

'There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench
in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!'

And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing
medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!'

'And what about you Grandpa' - asks the grandson.

'And me...., I haven't had s*x for 35 years and they still call me 'The
'f*^king Arab!'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Gennaro has been in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work about
3km every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the
window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so
much...
it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases
them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church
basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather
shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he
asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but
how do you know?"

Gennaro answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather
shoes. How do you like them?"

At the next Dancce, he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
"Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?"

He replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes.
How do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns
red. He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you
wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight."
Gennaro gasps,

"Thanka God I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                        Two Eagles

Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government official, 'You
have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his
technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's
done.'


The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then
calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes,
No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the
work,
Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night
having s*x.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think
he can improve system like that.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These came from Geoff

   Brand new edition of... "You know you're a redneck when......"

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want
it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made
it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on
the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of
improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 MPH.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                              HUSBAND / WIFE STORE

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the
next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store..

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love s*x.

The second floor has wives that love s*x, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This from Megazorch

                                      Leaky library

Recent flooding of a university library, caught on security cameras. It's
good for a laugh. Background: The building was recently built and had only
been open about 8 months. As the uni (private) was very stingy, they no
doubt got the cheapest contractor. The building is built in to a hill, and
they decided to put windows at ground level on the upper hill side to light
the lower floor. As a result, water banked up against the windows like an
aquarium until they couldn't hold any longer... you can see the result for
yourself. Don't know why they are wanting money as I expect their insurance
covered it - still they may have cheaped out on that too.

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And from Moose

   HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES ON AN AIRPLANE


If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these
instructions:

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Start up

4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes, tilt your head up to the sky & move your lips as if
praying

6.  Click here  Then hit this link



  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These came from Smithie of Sherwood Forest

                                     Little old lady

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the
night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch
on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died
some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't
felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid
down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'

And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                   How beer works

 Dont click to set it of... it will start by itself.

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                   "Senior Moment"

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know
where her Sunday edition was.

Ma'am, said the employee, today is Sat*rday. The Sunday paper is not
delivered until Sunday.

There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of
recognition.

"I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This lot came from Whizzbang

                      The BEST laugh I've had in a while!

John asks his grandpa: 'Do you still have s*x with Granny?'

Grandpa says: 'Yes, but only Oral'.

John says: 'what is oral?'

Grandpa: 'I say F**k you, and she says: F**k you too'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


The 3 tragedies in a man's life:

1- life sucks

2- job sucks

3- Wife does NOT!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A man is dying of cancer.

His son: ' Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS??'..

Answer: 'so that when I die, no one will dare to f**k your mother.'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


'I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.

Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right.

The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in
it'


 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Question: 'Why is a waist called a waist?'

Answer: 'Because anything above the p**sy and below the tits is a waste'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A lady tells her Man: 'I demand good manners in bed, just like at the
dinner table'.

The man climbs into bed slowly and says:

'Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Question: 'what's common between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband who
satisfies his wife s*xually every night and Bin Laden?'

'BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                      Dave the hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a
strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?',
demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send
me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house,
he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around,
pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling
up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the
new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid
an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out
from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his
emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first
time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and
he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever
happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt
an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've sh! t the bed !!'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                    Mr Turner Brown

A skinny little white guy gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down, and says:

'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch d*ck, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and
brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: 'What's wrong with you?' In
a weak voice the little guy says,

'What EXACTLY did you say to me?' The big dude says: 'I saw your curious
look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone
always asks me.

I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch d*ck, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown. . . .. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
'turn around'.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                     LIE DETECTOR!

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day
John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot
that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you
been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,'
said
Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off
his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and
said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to
my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out
of her chair.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                     Broccoli casserole........ its a classic!

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making
her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself
a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even
had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the
dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather
stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.?
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.? This
time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!' Once again
the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to
let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart
rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit
Skippy, get away from her, before she sh*ts on you!'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                    THE HOTEL BILL!

Husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston After almost
twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a hotel and slept for four hours
and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells
the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350.00.
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available
for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the manager. He goes on
to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas
perform here," the manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replies.

No matter what amenity the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the manager.

The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my
wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                 Bragging about kids

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who
remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joyHe started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to
become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend
a brand new jet for his birthday'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very
nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square
foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from
the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. .. What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top
of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


To the av stuff now ... and they're from Croydon Caz, Whizzbang, Diks,
Biggus, Digi Steve, Burnout, Geoff, Kaos_reflex, and Nottingham Smithie.


A matter of degree
 Click here

Biggus funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

So you want to see an Ass Hole???
 Click here

Why women should use the bus...
 Click here Click here Click here

Michelangelo's David
 Click here Click here Click here

Military Humour
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Photos exceptionnelles
 Click here

Why I like British Newspapers
 Click here Click here Click here

Now this is Cricket!
 Click here

AH, FLORIDA...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Football Season Is HERE!
 Click here

ILLEGAL DRAG RACING - San Francisco
 Click here

A lesson in History
Found in a Montana history book........Circa 1919
If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon
the following poster........
I mean seriously, Would you quit drinking?
 Click here

At last, Overalls that fit
 Click here

Worthy of a laugh:
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Adult selection
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Moose's Friday funnies to make you smile!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Support for Men
 Click here

AUSTRALIAN BEER TRUCK
 Click here

Who has the nicest car? Naughty
 Click here

Oops
 Click here

Just Walk It Off, Sissy
 Click here

Would you agree....?
 Click here

And you guys needed a warning !!!!!   WTF
 Click here

Best advert ever
 Click here

When a man comes home from work
When a man comes home after a really difficult day at work, nothing
brightens his spirits and makes him feel more appreciated than being met
at the door by the smiling face of the woman he loves with an ice cold
beer in her hand.
 Click here

Bathurst Kombi
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Please read quietly
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

For all those Gordon Ramsey fans (and happen to have small kids)
 Click here

Whale Watching in British Columbia
 Click here

Oldest Boeing airliner in flying condition
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Sexy hairdresser
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A quickie from Zalaga

                                        Fire Engine

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red go-cart with little
ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The
little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog
and a cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, 'that's a lovely Fire
engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the
cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles. 'Little
colleague,' says the fire fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at
the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says.........'You're
probably right, but then I wouldn't have a f***ing siren, would I?


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This came from Anonymous (you know who you are)

                                     The Aisle Seat

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a
window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...  Just
before takeoff, a US Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and
get a coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for
you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in
it.

When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks
good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to
fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat
in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab
neighbors; 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and p*ssing in cokes?'

THE FEW, THE PROUD, THE MARINES, THE BEST!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This came from Diks

                                 BIZZARO WORLD

Fri Sep 5, 9:57 PM ET

DALLAS -

A robber rolled into a Dallas convenience store came armed with a bat and a
knife. He left with a lot of condoms and an energy drink.

Dallas police Cpl. Kevin Janse said Friday that a man in a wheelchair
entered a Dallas 7-Eleven Wednesday afternoon, rolled straight toward the
cash register and beat it with a baseball bat until it opened.

But he didn't grab any cash. Instead, police say he stole 10 boxes of
condoms and an energy drink before making his getaway Wednesday afternoon.

Janse says the suspect may have been homeless and was likely intoxicated at
the time of the robbery.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally some from Stumpy Steve

                                   Happy Retirement

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.

Well for example yesterday my wife and I went to Grantham and went into a
shop. We were only there for a couple of minutes. When we came out there
was a Traffic Warden writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and
said come on, how about giving an pensioner a break?

He ignored us and carried on writing out the ticket. I called him a Nazi
t*rd. He glared at me and wrote out another ticket for worn tyres.

So my wife called him sh*thead. He finished that ticket and started writing
out another ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally we did not
care. We came into town on the bus. We try to have a little fun each day
now that we are retired. Its important at our age


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                   The Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?'

'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too
shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the
stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around
and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                         Fart Joke

"Doctor, every time I break wind, I produce the sound 'HONDA'.

"Drop your shreddies, bend over the desk, and lets have a quick inspection.
But first, give me a rendition".

So I clenched my teeth, gave a squeeze, and there it was...'HONDA'.

I bent over and he had a rather lengthy delve into the depths. "Ah, I see
the cause of your problem; you`ve got an abcess up there".

"ut how does that produce such a sound?" I ask.

Doctor replies, "Because... Abcess makes the fart go 'HONDA'".


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the WeeK:


 "Improving education remains a high priority of my administration.
  Our districts are burdened with skyrocketing retirement and other
  costs that compete for funding and divert those precious dollars
  away from where they are really needed inside the classroom.


Sarah Palin
                     Republican Nominee for Vice President of the USA


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (September 05, 2008)  Index Next (September 19, 2008)