Friday humour - September 05, 2008

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

Well here we are again - held to ransom by a Parliament more intent on
scoring political points than properly running the Country.
More of the same. Blah - blah - blah. Sometimes I think I would prefer a
dictatorship or some form of oligarchy. At least something would get done,
instead of the incessant point scoring drivel that pretends to be the
Parliament of Australia. I have seen 5 year old children behave better.

I have long thought that the only way to get into any real position of
influence is to join the club, and in doing so surrender any form of
independence or novelty of thought that doesn’t conform with the club
"rules". Today's Parliamentary sessions just confirmed that. It has been
far too easy for far too long.

But we do get the politicians we deserve, after all. It is only because we
put up with all this nonsense that it continues to thrive. Most of us
don’t know any better, and those of us that do aren't shouting loudly
enough.

My favourite for this week is - Don't drive in Russia!
 Click here
Am I mistaken or are there working traffic lights? Well not any more ...

This week's offerings come courtesy of Arfermo, Alibaba, Biggus, Burnout,
Cartographer Chris, Croydon Caz, Digi Maria, Diks, Moose,
Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Stumpy Steve and Whizzbang.

Enjoy.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

There is a Space Shuttle mission with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The headquarters in the US calls: "Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the
television screen." He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in
compartment 1, increase the temperature of engine 4 and to release oxygen
to the reactors. So monkey 1 does the pressure, temperature, and releases
the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey number 2, Monkey
number 2 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to add
Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3,to add
nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation.

So monkey 2 does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and
the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman please, woman please,
approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be told
what to do she says ... "I know I know! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch
anything!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from
the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,
sweating and Panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling,
her Four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy!
Aunt Susan is hiding in your Closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bed room,
right Past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there
is her Sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bitch," she screams.

"My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked
scaring the Kids!" 

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A man walked into a chemist and asks for a pack of tampons for his wife,
the chemist replies, "Would you like a lawn mower as well?"

"Why would I want a Lawn mower," the man replies.

Chemist says, "Why not, cause ya weekend's rooted isn't it!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down
the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did.
(Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes.
(Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his......
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were
sober, you have good eyesight and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George."

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[Can't tell it is US election time again! Ed.]

2008 Democrat National Convention
Schedule of Events
7:00 pm   OPENING FLAG BURNING
7:15 pm   PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE U.N.
7:20 pm   Ted Kennedy  PROPOSES A TOAST  
7:25 pm   NONRELIGIOUS PRAYER AND WORSHIP - Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton
7:45 pm   CEREMONIAL TREE HUGGING - Darryl Hannah
7:55 pm   Ted Kennedy  PROPOSES A TOAST
8:00 pm   HOW I INVENTED THE INTERNET -  Al Gore  
8:15 pm   GAY WEDDING PLANNING -  Rosie O'Donnell
8:35 pm   Ted Kennedy  PROPOSES A TOAST  
8:40 pm   OUR TROOPS ARE WAR CRIMINALS - John Kerry
9.00 pm   MEMORIAL SERVICE FOR SADDAM AND HIS SONS - Cindy Sheehan and
Susan Sarandon  
10:00 pm   ANSWERING MACHINE ETIQUETTE - Alec Baldwin
11:00 pm   Ted Kennedy  PROPOSES A TOAST
11:05 pm  COLLECTION FOR THE OSAMA BIN LADEN KIDNEY TRANSPLANT FUND -
Barbara Streisand
11:15 pm   FREE THE FREEDOM FIGHTERS FROM GUANTANAMO BAY - Sean Penn
11:30 pm   OVAL OFFICE AFFAIRS - William  Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm    Ted Kennedy  PROPOSES A TOAST
11:50 pm   HOW GEORGE BUSH BROUGHT DOWN THE WORLD TRADE TOWERS  - Howard
Dean  
12:15 am   TRUTH IN BROADCASTING AWARD - Presented to Dan  Rather by
Michael Moore
12:25 am   Ted Kennedy  PROPOSES A TOAST  
12:30 am  SATELLITE ADDRESS - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad  
12:45 am NOMINATION OF Barack Hussein Obama- Nancy Pelosi
1:00 am   Ted Kennedy  PROPOSES A TOAST To Obama
1:30 am   Ted Kennedy  PROPOSES A TOAST To Hillary Clinton
1:35 am   Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home

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An older but attractive spinster called the lawyer's office and told the
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time
for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I
rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for
the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the
spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in
assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have
$40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

Tell me," the lawyer asked, "How would you like the $40,000 to be
distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life,
people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass
on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral
that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on
anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he
continued, "What would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married. I've lived alone
almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I
die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with
me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "But I'll see
what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric
spinster and her weird request.

After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and
with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service
himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning and wait in the
car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he
went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't
come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window
opened.  The lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow. 
She's going to let the County bury her."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Bike Riding?

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission
In the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he
realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

He takes the chief for a walk in the forest. 

He points to a tree and Says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he
points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about  the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes.

As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of Natives in the midst of
heavy s*xual activity.  The Priest is really flustered and quickly
responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills
them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that  way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Remember to keep off the roads when riding someone else's bicycle!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

On Board Drinks

A Muslim in his mufti was seated next to an Australian on a flight from
Dubai to Melbourne.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for
a Rum and Coke, which was placed before him.
The Flight Attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He
replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than
let liquor touch my lips ...'

Shocked to hear that, the Aussie handed his drink back to the Attendant and
said:
'Me too...... I didn't know we had a choice."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

My GP referred me to a urologist.

To my surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful, and unbelievably
s*xy looking.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her 'Why?'.

She said, 'Because I am trying to examine you.'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

You're fired!

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The
new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The
room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money
do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a
week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four
weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and
asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

For those who don't fully appreciate the sophistication of Queenslanders

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on
his mobile phone.

As he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear.

Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone
in the bar a drink.

The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around
keen to know what they are celebrating.

Well' he announces, 'My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy
weighing 25 pounds'.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
Queenslander just shrugs.

'That's about average in Queensland . Like I said, my boy is a typical
Queensland boy.'

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of
'STREWTH' were heard.

One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says
'You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds
at birth aren't you?

Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were
going to call you.

So - how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers: '17 pounds'.

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. 'What happened? He weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'

The Queensland father takes a L-O-N-G S-L-O-W swig from his XXXX Gold,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says,

'Had him circ*mcised!'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


THIS IS INCREDIBLE.... Read all the Numbers... Slowly and in Order..!

                   Be Careful not to MISS ANY


                   1
                                      2
                                                              3
 4
                                      5
                                                      6 7
                                                                          8
                      9
                                                  10
                                11
                                                                         12
                   13 14
                                15
                                                   16
                          17
                                                                 18
                                              19
                 20
 21
                                   22
                                                                    23
            24
                                                            25
                                26
                                                                   27
   28
                     29
                                              30

                              Finished..?

                GOOD! TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's !


                It takes so little to amuse some people.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Is that your Dog?
 Click here

Business, Plain & Simple
 Click here

Pushed your limits lately?
 Click here

This woman deserves our praise.
 Click here

Fly swatter
 Click here

Heated car seats
 Click here

Shady Deal
 Click here

Facebook, 40 years from now...
 Click here

I just want to let you know...
 Click here

One for the ladies!
Open Your Hearts to These Twins. We need to extend our hearts to those
little ones that need loving and caring Moms and good homes which I know
we all are and can provide. I have already put my name down on the list
and am willing to take them for at least one night each week, as this is
the right thing to do, and our families just need to understand. It is our
duty to stand by these twins and supply them with their daily needs for
survival and a chance of a happy life. In the end it will enrich all of
us, especially you and me. Please look at the pictures and soften your
hearts for these twins.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

A motto I can live by...
 Click here

Good to have a camera ready ... animal pics
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Medications
 Click here

Safety Warning!
 Click here

Flip-flop footwear (thongs in 'strine) bearing the image of Democratic
presidential candidate Barack Obama on display in downtown
Denver, Colorado.
 Click here

A worker stands in front of the Upside Down House in Trassenheide, northern
Germany. The house belongs to an entrepreneur from
Poland and is part of The World Upside Down, a project that allows visitors
a different view of every day items.
 Click here

The Big Picture mosaic is 900 metre square in size and creates an image
made of thousands of photographs submitted by the public. It is
constructed from 288 panels, each holding 392 individually placed
photographs to meet World Record rules.
 Click here

Even if you hate everything ...
 Click here

Can you spell Youkulliptus?
 Click here

How to get that bounce back into gymnastics ... (XXX)
 Click here
 [she must have really needed the money - Ed.]

Hand Art
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Dogs and People
 Click here

Sorry! I can't respond to any emails today. Something has crashed on my
computer and the mouse is missing ...
 Click here

GOLF?
 Click here Click here

Patience.
 Click here

His last day as a carpenter!
 Click here

Vacuum Sealed Products?
 Click here

Guess who didn't win the New York sand castle competition ...
 Click here

Taliban Call Girl (sort of XXX?? - not sure)
 Click here

National GLP Day.
 Click here

Photo of a very young Michael Phelps
 Click here

Run with it ...
 Click here

Are you Brad?
 Click here

It's all About Attitude
 Click here

The Waffle House Wedding
 Click here

Good advice?
 Click here
+++ Content:

How To Park a FPV Pursuit Ute at Stillwell Ford
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
Ever wondered how to park a FPV Pursuit Ute??
The Apprentice mechanic at Stillwell Ford’s Main North Road, Adelaide will
show you how it’s done in the sale yard ...
Wonder if he still has a job?

Skills Test.
 Click here

Boobs on Bikes
 Click here

Never Feel Sick Again
 Click here

I've been there ... have you?
 Click here

Belts please
 Click here

Action Wednesday
 Click here

Check your concentration
 Click here

Wigs (XXX but clever)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

There's nothing wrong with our health system. We can look after everybody.
 Click here

Pimped out rides
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Siamese twins ... worst case ever recorded
 Click here

Can't decide which is my favourite...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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