Friday humour - August 29, 2008

This one from anonymous - B-29 RC DEMO Amazing!!!
This aircraft runs on four chainsaw motors.  You can just imagine how much
time, effort, skill and money these guys have put into this thing.
Click on the site below.
 Click here
and another ---------

Proof that Men Have Better Friends..

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10
best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Results of a recent survey show that there are 7 kinds of s*x:

The first kind of s*x is called: Smurf Sex
This kind of s*x happens when you first meet someone and you both have s*x
until you are blue in the face.

The second kind of s*x is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are
so needy you will have s*x anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The third kind of s*x is called: Bedroom Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time.
Your s*x has gotten routine and you usually have s*x only in your bedroom.

The fourth kind of s*x is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long.
When you pass each other in the hallway, you both say 'screw you.'

The fifth kind of s*x is called: Religious Sex Which means you get Nun in
the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very

The sixth kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife or husband any more.
She or he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of s*x is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

one from biggus----
A woman went to the doctor's office, where she was seen by one of the
younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she
burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her
and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After
listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor
marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on
his board.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 62
years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you just
told her she was pregnant!"

The younger doctor continued writing, and without looking up said, "Does
she still have the hiccups?"
from billm-------


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her.  She immediately moved to another seat. This time
the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.  The man seemed more
amused.  When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.  She sat down under a
sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.  Then
she moved and sat under a sign that said, '
Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she
placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's
Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.  But, Your
Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

another quickie from burnout--------------

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the
groin area.

The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.
He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she
hears snip, snip, snip, snip. The doctor emerges from under her skirt.
'How's that?'
'Well, it's a lot better actually,'s still there.'

Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt. Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he

'How's that?' he asks again more confident. 'That's wonderful! What did you
'I trimmed up the top of your Ugg boots.'
 From: Cartographer Chris - Assessing Learning study notes

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in
Swindon , Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

and another------------- Gynaecologist's Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Castle Hill, Sydney and sees a card
advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.  Interested he goes to learn
more - 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy
behind the desk.

The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is:
The job entails you get the ladies ready for the gynaecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully
wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off
the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the
Gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $65,000,
but you're going to have to go to Kempsey, in NSW. That's about 620 miles
from here.'

'Oh, is that where the job is?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the queue is!'

one up from Beth---It's All About The Ducks...

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We have only one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place.It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try
their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She has managed to go several months, not once stepping on any ducks.
One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever
laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and slender.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

She is thrilled as she says to herself; This must be my reward for not
stepping on any ducks. The happy woman says aloud to her new partner, 'I
wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you lady, but I stepped on a duck!'

Rewards are all very relative...
from Diks--------Jewish Mexicans?

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los
Angeles one day.. Sid asks Al, 'Do you know of any people of our faith
born and raised in Mexico?' Al replies, 'I don't know, let's ask our

When the waiter arrives, Al asks, 'Are there any Mexican Jews?' The waiter
says, 'I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.' He returns from the kitchen
after a few minutes and says, 'No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.'

Al isn't satisfied and asks, 'Are you absolutely sure?' The waiter,
realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos' replies, 'I check once again,
Senor!' and goes back into the kitchen. While the waiter is away, Sid
says, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our
people are scattered everywhere.'

The waiter returns and says, 'Senor, the head cook Tom say there is no
Mexican Jews.' 'Are you certain?' Al asks again. 'I just can't believe
there are no Mexican Jews!'
'SENOR, I ask EVERYONE,' replies the exasperated waiter, ' All we have is
Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, and Tomato Jews.'
from Geoff--------

Tips from CARP (I can only presume CARP is the Canadian Association of
Retired People)

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, s*xy women who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When
you are done you will  have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that
true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on
my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'
from moose - irish medivac

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears
and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'
Silence and a minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until...
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat  I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak

A man notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his
co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his
sudden change in 'fashion sense.'
'So,' he says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'
'Don't make a big deal of it, it's only an earring, ' the co-worker replies
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him
to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'
---------'Ever since my wife found it in my truck.'
I always wondered how this trend got started and now I know
from Nottingham Smithie--Three men are sitting in a room smoking

Three men are sitting in a room smoking cannabis. After a few spliffs they
run out of gear. One of the men stands up and  says,
'Look, we've got loads more tobacco, I'll just nip into the kitchen and
make one of my specialty spliffs.'
Off he goes into the kitchen where he takes some of the spices from the
spice rack, grinds them up and rolls them into a spliff.  On his return he
hands it to one of his smoking partners who lights it and takes a long
drag. Within seconds he passes out.

Ten minutes go by, then an hour, and he's still out cold, so they decide to
take him to the hospital.
On arrival he is wheeled into intensive care. The doctor returns to his
friends and asks, 'So what was he doing then - Cannabis?'
'Well sort of', replies one of the guys, 'But we ran out of gear, so I made
a home-made spliff.'
'Oh' replies the doctor, 'so what did you put in it?'
'Um, a bit of c*min, some turmeric, garam masala and a couple of other
spices.' comes the answer

The doctor sighs, 'Well that explains it. He'll be here for 3 weeks before
he wakes up.'
'Why, what's wrong with him?' asks one of the men. The doctor replies,

'He's in a korma'.
from Phantomjack - Supporters For The Port Adelaide 2016 Olympic Games

Port Adelaide has entered into the running for the 2016 Olympics, with such
a well thought out plan I think they are in with a chance!

The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a local of
Taperoo wearing a counterfeit Fubo shirt, stolen Billabong board shorts &
to keep with tradition no shoes.


Competitors will start outside Hungry Jacks Port Adelaide, and will have to
hold a VCR & a Microwave (one in each arm) and, on the sound of the
starter's gun, a Police dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind
the athletes.

As above but with added obstacles, car bonnets, hedges, garden beds,
walls etc.

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to Victorian residents and their caravans visiting
Beach Resort within the time allowed.

A strong challenge is expected from the men in this event. The first target
will be a moving Police vehicle. In the second round, competitors will aim
at the Port Adelaide Post Office Clerk, Mobil Petrol Station Console
Operator or Bottleshop Attendant.

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will
take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 glasses of
Bourbon and Coke at the Ramsgate Hotel, while the wife wearing bike pants,
an old T-shirt, and thongs will be told not to make him any dinner when he
gets home. To charge him further she will ask him to remove the old
commodore transmission from the bath.

The competitor will attend the Port Mall Shopping Centre where they will
obtain a bicycle stolen from a Portside Christian school student, they
will then be pitted against the clock. Bonus points will be awarded for a
which would have been procured at the time of getting the bike.

Unfortunately this is now cancelled, as organisers cannot guarantee the
safety of anyone walking the streets of Port Adelaide.

The Beam will be replaced by a strip of gutter along St Vincents Street,
outside Centrelink. The event will commence at closing time - we expect
some rather difficult dismounts to be performed on this apparatus. The
floor routine will be conducted in the padded cell of the Adelaide Jail.

Entertainment will include a bonfire made out of the Taperoo Primary School
, accompanied by a local pub cover band. The Olympic Flame will be
extinguished by the Port Adelaide Mayor by urinating from the base of the
spire in a cascading effect. The stadium (to be constructed within the
Portmall Carpark) will then be boarded up before local athletes break in to
it and remove all the copper piping, electrical wiring and air
 From: The Great Gussius - Very Politically incorrect Jokes....

A Tasmanian couple are walking out of the divorce court  and the wife is
crying her heart out. Husband says ' Oh for f*ck's sake stop crying.
You're still my sister!'

Wife says to her husband, 'The Doctor says I have the tits and ass of an 18
year old' Husband says 'What about your 40 year old c*nt?' Wife says ' He
didn't mention you'.

My ex wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come
back as something else. She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not f*cking listening.'

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part
where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in
the car and f*cks off.

Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot
twice.Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the
public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.The assistant said they were made from human
skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.The woman said she could not afford that. 
The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.'

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming:  'Get this out of me! Give me
drugs!' She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me, you
f*cker!'. He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up
your ar*e but you said, 'Fuck off- it'll be too painful!' 'Now who's
From: Whizzbang -  NEW WORDS FOR 2008

       * SALAD DODGER.
      An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

      A deeply unattractive person.

      Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

      Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
      Project   failed, and who was responsible.

      A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything,
      Then   leaves.

      * ASSMOSIS.
      The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
      sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

      * SALMON DAY.
      The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to
      screwed and die.

      * CUBE FARM.
      An office filled with cubicles.

      When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
      people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This
      applies to   applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

      * SITCOMs.
      Single Income, Two  Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
      into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
      with   the   kids or start a "home business".

      * SINBAD.
      Single working girls.  Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

      One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

      The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get
      to   work again.

      The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and
      file.   Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often
      inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
      solve.   This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" -
      paperwork and  processes.

      Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
      you're just going to the bog.  If challenged by a pimply staff
      your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is
      as a McShit with Lies.

      * 404.
      Someone who's clueless.  From the World Wide Web error message "404
      Found" meaning that the requested doc*ment could not be located.

      * AUSSIE KISS.
      Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

      * OH - NO   SECOND.
      That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
      Made  a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

      * GREYHOUND.
      A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

      A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
      works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
      displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to
      their level of training.

      The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed
      The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

      * MONKEY BATH.
      A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!  Oo!  Oo!
      Aa!   Aa!  Aa!".

      * MYSTERY BUS.
      The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
      Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive
people so
      the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

      The taxi that arrives at your place on Sat*rday morning before you
      up,  whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter
in your
      bed  instead.

      * BEER COAT.
      The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
      At  3:00am.

      The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
      cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
      you got here, and where you've come from.

      Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
      breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will
      required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

      * TART FUEL.
      Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

      * PICASSO BUM.
      A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
      Got 4 buttocks.

from whizzbang - The Knob
 A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new
procedurecalled 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the
woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects
were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But
now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
and another-  Job Applicant

A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.
The Inspector says 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is one
test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'
Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues 'Take this gun,
go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six asylum seekers and a rabbit.'
The man says 'Why the rabbit?'

'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?'
still more--------

At an Irish wedding, everyone got drunk.
The bride's and groom's families wrecked the reception hall fighting with
each other. The police had to break up the fighting.
The next week, both families were in court.
The judge asked, "All right now, what happened?"
Paddy rose and said, "Judge, I was the best man. I should explain what
"Go ahead, Paddy," said the judge. "Take the stand."
Paddy explained, "Per tradition, the best man got the first dance with the
bride. After I finished my first dance, the music kept playing, so I
danced a second song, and then the music kept going some more so I danced
a third song.
"All of a sudden, the groom leapt over the table, ran to us, and gave the
bride an unmerciful kick, right between her legs!"

The shocked judge said, "By God, that must have hurt!"
"Hurt?" replied Paddy, "He broke three of me fingers!"
From: Anonymous
Time for change

 Click here

 From: Arfermo

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 target=_blank>Click here
 Click here


 From: Arfermo
How to Check Your Car's Air Conditioner
It's that time of the year again.

1. Start the engine and roll up the windows.

2. Turn on?the A/C put the fan on Hi

3. Put the tester in the car.


???? Yep...? It's working fine!!!??????????

But where do I get a tester???

 Click here Click here


From: Burnout
What You Can Do With a little BOG

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From: Burnout
Useful Inventions

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From: Burnout
Obituary -Truth at last!

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From: Burnout

How easily we forget...This Is The Original Happy Meal...
Little boys never outgrow their liking for an original happy meal!
Send out a happy meal today to every little boy in your life!

 Click here


 From: Burnout - remember

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From: Burnout - perfect day
 Click here


 From: Burnout
The "Emma Maersk"
  Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
+++ Possible duplicate text in FH issue 20080425 - 39 words beginning:
    country of origin denmark length 1 302 ft width 207 ft net cargo ...
+++ Content:
What a ship.... The "Emma Maersk", no wonder 'Made in China' is displacing
North American goods big time with this floating continent transporting
goods across the Pacific in 4 days no less!!!

Get a load of this ship!  15,000 containers and a 207' beam!  And look at
the crew-size: 13 people for a ship longer than a US aircraft carrier
which has a crew of 5,000 men and officers.

Think it's big enough?  Notice that 207' beam means it cannot fit through
the Panama or Suez Canals It is strictly transpacific.  Check out the
cruise speed:  31 knots means the goods arrive 4 days before the typical
container ship (18-20 knots) on a China-to-California run.  So this
behemoth is hugely competitive when carrying perishable goods.

This ship was built in five sections.  The sections were floated together
and then welded.  The command bridge is higher than a 10-story building
and has 11 cargo crane rigs that can operate simultaneously.

Additional info:
Country of origin - Denmark
Length - 1,302 ft
Width - 207 ft
Net cargo - 123,200 tons
Engine - 14 in-line cylinders diesel engine (110,000 BHP)
Cruise Speed - 31 knots
Cargo capacity - 15,000 TEU, (1 TEU = 20 ft 3)

Crew - 13 people
First Trip - Sept. 08, 2006
Construction cost - US $145,000,000+

Silicone painting applied to the ship bottom reduces water resistance and
saves 317,000 gallons of diesel per year.


From: Digi Maria
So who is going to change the tyre?

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From: Digi Maria
New bank logos
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 target=_blank>Click here
 Click here


From: Diks
I may have to switch............

 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here


From: Moose
Brisbane airport billboard for new airline

 Click here

From: Moose
Michael Jackson's face (must see)]
 Click here


 From: Moose - motivational posters
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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From: Muse - USB Wine Direct

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From: Muse - Best Ice Cream Commercial
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From: Nottingham Smithie - Why Geishas Take such small steps
 Click here


 From: Nottingham Smithie -An honest road sign put there by a frustrated
 Click here


 From: Phantomjack - "That Guy" in the background...
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 From: Whizzbang - British Idol ( Punjabi Style )
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 From: Whizzbang - What a voice
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From: Whizzbang -  Lark.....
 Click here Click here

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being
held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She received
back the following reply ...

National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT 101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2 Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

                                        Thank you for your recent letter
expressing your profound concern of treatment of the
Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were
subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently
being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were
heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be pleased to learn, thanks
to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department
here at the Department of National
Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program,
or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to
divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next
Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to
be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some
assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that
your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so
strongly recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help
him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing
these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan
to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at
your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of
explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep
those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
s*xually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will
come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember
that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as
described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow
man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember, we'll be watching. Good
luck and God bless you.

Cordially ... Minister of National Defense


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[ End friday humour ]

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