Friday humour - August 22, 2008
From Burnout at Bluehaze
Well what a week it's been for those of you who are enamoured by the action
at the Olympic Games.
Just the other day I finished reading a book had me in gales of laughter,
tears of joy, the depths of despair for the author and his mates and at
times crying like a child; this book I commend to you if you have not
already had the pleasure of reading it.
"Well Done Those Men" by Barry Heard, the memoir of an Aussie Conscripted
soldier and Vietnam veteran.
This book will change your opinions and uplift you.
Now on with the fun!
This weeks items are from:
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still
the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a
dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride!
Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's,
electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember
to be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like
the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt on the
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes
that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back????
How to Learn Chinese for the Beijing Olympics in 5 MINUTES!!
(You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese
That's not right! ............. Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? ......... Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP ................ Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man .............. Dum Fuk
Small Horse ............ Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? ............. Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! ......... Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! ............ Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! ............ Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! ............ Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! ............. No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! ...... Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight ......... Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile ......... Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive ........... Yu Stin Ki Pu Great!
(This Bloke, the Mayor, has stirred up some trouble over his comments-ED)
I thought we Brits had all the problems!!!!
Australian mayor calls for 'ugly' women to populate town
John Moloney, the Mayor of Mount Isa, said "ugly ducklings" could find
happiness if they chose to settle in the Queensland town where men
outnumber women five to one.
In 2006, there were just 819 women aged 20-24 living there out of a total
population of 21,421, according to the most recent census.
Located 1,136 miles (1,829km) from Brisbane, Mount Isa is home to one of
the world's biggest underground mines.
In an interview with a local newspaper Mr Moloney said: "Quite often you
will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a
wide smile on her face. Whether it is recollection of something previous
or anticipation for the next evening, there is a degree of happiness."
"Some, in other places in Australia, need to proceed to Mount Isa where
happiness awaits. Really, beauty is only skin deep. Isn't there a fairy
tale about an ugly duckling that evolves into a beautiful swan.
"I believe we should look after women. I'm told men outnumber women here by
five to one. If that's the case, then perhaps it's an opportunity for some
lonely women." Ex golf star Greg Norman and tennis player Pat Rafter were
both born in the town.
An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth.
He spoke to his toes.
'Hello, toes!' he said. 'How are you, toes? You know,you are 92 today.
Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park in summer every
Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday,
'Hello, knees,' he continued. 'How are you, knees? You know you're 92
Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the†parade? Oh, the
hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!'
Then, he looked down at his crotch. 'Hello Willie! You little bugger, if
you were alive today, you'd be 92.
Subject: I don't usually endorse this type of email but.............
Add your name and pass on...
I usually don't pass along these 'add your name' lists that appear† in my
email, but this one is too important.
This one has been circulating for months and months. Please do not† delete
... if you don't want to sign, at least keep it going !
To show your support for Obama and encourage him on his run for†
President of the United States in 2008, please add your name to the††
rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire e-mail list.
1. Michelle Obama
3. Jane Fonda
3. Jesse Jackson
Samuel Adams advised: "It does not take a majority to prevail...but rather
an irate, tireless minority, keen on setting brushfires of freedom in the
minds of men."
Moose tossed in this chestnut!
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the misbehaving that
was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to Earth for a time.
When he returned, the angel told God, 'Yes, it is bad on
Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down another
angel to get a second opinion'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes,
it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving,
but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because
he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, just checking with you. I didn't get one either...
From: Nottingham Smithie,(Little Johnny, an old favourite around here-ED)
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's†family was
invited over to see the baby.† Before they left their house, Little
Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the
baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking
of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he
understood completely.† When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a
beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.†
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little†hands, a
cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie, 'coz he'd be f†*†cked if he†needed
From: Stumpy Steve
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all
could probably use more calm in our lives.
Some doctor on tv this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is
to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to
see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house
this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay,
a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder
of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a
chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.
Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece
The Ferrari F1 Team fired their entire pit-crew yesterday.
The announcement was followed by Ferrari's decision to take advantage of
English Government's "Work For the Dole" scheme and hire unemployed youths
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent doc*mentary on how
unemployed youths in Liverpool were able to remove a set of car wheels in
less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing
crew can only do it in 8 seconds.
This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari Management, as
most races are won & lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over
However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, as during the Crews
first practice session; not only were "da boyz from Bootle" able to change
the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had resprayed,
and had sold the vehicle over to the McLaren Team for four dozen Stella's .
A man owned a small farm in Aberdeenshire.
The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his
Staff and sent an representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3
years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The
cook/housekeeper has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week
plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about
90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own
room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Sat*rday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
This will mess with your head!!!!
3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS £30
SO EACH MAN PAID £10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.
A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY £25
SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH £5.
ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT £5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3
MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A £1 AND KEPT THE OTHER £2 FOR HIMSELF.
THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID £9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF
£27, ADD THE ¬£2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = £29.
WHERE IS THE OTHER POUND?
*MISHEARD IN A NOISY GLASWEGIAN PUB!*
Two young men, Bruce (a Scotsman) and Archie (an Englishman), are boozing
in a noisy Glaswegian pub discussing Archie's forthcoming wedding.
'Wow, it's all going like magic,' says Archie loudly.
'I've got everything organized already - the flowers, the Church, the cars,
the reception, the rings, the Minister, even my stag night ...'
Bruce nods approvingly.
'Man, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Archie.
'A kilt?' exclaims Bruce, amid the rowdy noise 'Och, that's grand, you'll
look pure smart in that!
And what's the tartan?'
'Hmmm,' says Archie, 'Oh, I'd imagine she'll be in white.' ...
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can
lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more
than a full minute. (I'm at this level.).
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
This time from: Whizzbang
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhoea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and
complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not
gonorrhoea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I
know he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity
to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh*t he always was.'
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went
by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to
inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled
her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a
pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the
pearl and re-bait the trap.'
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
The end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives
for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at
the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they
carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that for
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench
sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I
have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and
then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade
soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits and then makes love to me for
half the afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a
gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me
until 2:00 a.m. ' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
Two Aussie builders Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either
side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a
beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate
about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the
better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees
that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get
the better of the builder.
Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are s*xually active with
your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very
Phil: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about
your s*x life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Phil: - Well then, you're a w@nker...
These are actual writings from various hospital charts.
1.The patient refused an autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
5 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present
24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities./*
This time from: Zalaga
Men v Women
I never quite figured out why the s*xual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,
the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like
it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was
almost nearing s*xual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having s*x tonight either....but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.
Your Ed this week sent some in:
An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote,
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only
nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "then it would make no sense at all."
A young man grew fed up with life and decided to leave the city and become
a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains
alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where
he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them
to show him the ropes. The shepherds agreed.
The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked
casually, "So how do you guys get by with no women around here?" Said one
of the men, "Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?" The
youngster shuddered: "That's gross! How can you...?" The three men only
smiled and said nothing.
Another week passed and one morning the young man realized that the tension
in his groin had grown unbearable. He remembered what the men had said, and
looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all...". He chose a
moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of
the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing
him with the sheep burst out laughing.
"What? What?!!", shouted the young man, blushing. "You told me that's what
you did yourselves, didn't you??!"
"Yeah sure, but did you have to choose the ugliest one?"
An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"
"How would you feel," the astronaut replied, "if you were stuck here,
on top of 200,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a Party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to
become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend
a brand new jet for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very
nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from
the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top
of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends
Bubba Had Shingles
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate
this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their
practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he
had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical
insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said,
'Shingles.' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the
nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
What's black & white and rolls down a beach in New Zealand?
A Seagull & a Maori fighting over a fish head.
What's the latest sent to be used by Kiwis to attract a male?
Now for all the File stuff, and loads of it we have this week for you to
wade through and eat up heaps of bandwidth. (One day perhaps Digi Steve
will publish the Bluehaze - fh bandwidth black hole so we can all see just
how much goes out each week?)
New Driver for The Hackers.............
Hong Kong News Story
HOW DID THEY MAKE IT??? THIS IS GREAT!!!
Very Clever - ED
Rare American made cars...... (I don't see what's funny; each to their own
Harley Earl and the 1938 Buick. [This picture was taken 70 years ago].
1941 Chrysler Thunderbolt
1951 Buick LeSabre What would you give for that car now?
1951 Chrysler K310
1953 Buick Wildcat
1954 Buick Wildcat II
1954 Dodge Firearrow
Back in the days when cars had style, and even with so many makes & models,
all changing every year, & they made a profit.
LOL - no comment (This is better - ED)
Doggy Lullaby - Enjoy - YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE YOUR EYESSSSSS!...
Alabama Death Penalty Execution (XX)
Arfermo sent in this stuff:
"Real-life" Dilbert Cartoons
AND they are supposed to be true!!
A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for
people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These
were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA
"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule ."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working
on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know
when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told
my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on
the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial
Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
Remarkable (These sent in by your ED)
The Stamp Every Office Needs!
It's Raining again..............?
Good Advice - 2nd Tip?
From: Cartographer Chris
Volcanic eruption meets lightning storm
Check this out!!!! Mother nature at some of her best displays! Since she
can do this, I'd say 'try not to p*ss her off'!!!!!!!!
Two of nature's most spectacular forces produced an incredible brew in the
Chile as a volcanic eruption met a lightning storm.
Tons of dust and ash from the eruption of the Chaitn volcano poured into
the night sky just as an electric storm passed overhead.
The resulting collision created a spectacular sight as lightning flickered
around the dust cloud amid the orange glow of the volcano.
The eruption was all the more spectacular because the Chaiton volcano,
800 miles (1,290km) south of Santiago, has been dormant for hundreds - if
not thousands - of years. The Patagonian volcano began erupting on Friday
12-mile-high plume has left vast tracts of land coated with a layer of ash.
Dog shock collar......
From: Digi Maria
How's your day.......
'RORY AND MILLIE'
You Don't Fool Anyone Pretending To Be A Dog
Just like his Labrador friends, he wags his tail, Fetches sticks, and rolls
on his back to have his tummy tickled. But the hooves and mane give way his
real identity - he's a SHETLAND PONY!
Eight-week old RORY picked up his canine traits after he was befriended by
dogs at the Ess*x Horse and Pony Sanctuary in Pitsea
Rory was rejected by his mother after he was born. After arriving at the
sanctuary he became ill and spent all his time being nursed in the office
attracting the interest of Labradors Alfie and Millie - owned by stable
manager Sam Edwards. Rory lay in Sue's lap with his little hooves sticking
out and Alfie would come up and wash them.
When Rory wa s left with a white moustache after drinking milk, Alfie would
clean that too.
Rory fetching a stick.
Rory at play.
Despite all, Rory ended up being closer to Millie because she was nearer
Shetland ponies are herd animals by nature, learning by copying other
If they are placed with another animal, they will copy them.
Here's your Awwwww for the day!!
If you don't say Awww at least once, then there's something wrong with you!
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
The Italian Rugby Team
Awww for today..............................
Fruit Thief - (Graphic/Violence - XX)
Criminals are just unbelievable!! No fear of the police or respect for
I was just stunned when I saw this - a real eye opener.
Watch how the thief uses the fence for a ladder, instead of it being a
You might have to watch it several times to figure out exactly how it's
Senior Drivers........Now this is funny
Motivational posters of the week
From: Nottingham Smithie
Boobs in the Tub (XXX)
Can't believe this was done by a teenager!!
There is a huge rock near a gravel pit on Highway.25 in rural Iowa ..
For generations, kids have painted slogans, names, and obscenities on this
rock, changing its character many times. A few months back, the rock
received its latest paint job, and since then it has been left completely
It's quite an impressive sight. Be sure to scroll down and check out the
multiple photos. (all angles) of the rock.
I thought the flag was draped over the rock, but it's not. It's actually
painted on the rock too.
Here's the artist, Ray 'Bubba' Sorensen.
These from: Whizzbang
RAMPANT DUCKS - (G rated)
How to Move a Beached Boat
Arc Flash Incident
GREAT IN-FLIGHT PHOTOS OF THE FIRST FA/22 FIGHTERS DELIVERED TO LANGLEY AIR
FORCE BASE VA
These are Great In-flight Photos of the F/A-22 as the first Aircraft
Delivery was being made to Langley AFB in Virginia. Langley is to be first
Operational AFB for the F/A-22. It is a very Beautiful AFB, located in a
picturesque location, as you can see in these photos, near Norfolk and
The Aircraft flying along with the F/A-22 in the last of these photos is
F-15, which will be replaced by the F/A-22 which is several times better
than the F-15.
In Actual In-flight (simulated) Combat Operations against the F-15, two
F/A-22' s were able to operate without detection while it went Head to Head
against (8) F-15 ' s. The F/A-22 ' s scored Missile Hits (Kills) against
all the F-15 Aircraft and the F/A-22 ' s were never Detected by either the
' s or Ground Based Radar.
Maj. Gen. Rick Lewis said: 'The Raptor Operated Against All Adversaries
Virtual Impunity; Ground Based Systems Couldn't Engage and NO Adversary
F/A-22-- America's Most Advanced Fighter Aircraft for the 21st Century!!!!
They're a titanium and carbon fiber dagger. They're so advanced that if
their on-board locator is switched off even our own satellites can lose
track of them.
They're the first military aircraft ever built that is equipped with a '
black-out button'. What that means is this .The best conditioned fighter
pilots are capable of maintaining consciousness up to in the vicinity of
G. The Raptor is capable of making 22+ G. turns. If some day an adversary
builds a missile that is capable of catching up to one of these airplanes
and a Raptor pilot sees that a strike is imminent, he hits the ' b. o. b.
' and the airplane makes a virtual U-turn, leaving the missile to pass
right on by. They know that in the process he'll temporarily lose
so the Raptor then automatically comes back to straight and level flight
until he wakes back up.
Enjoy the Photos
Where do I find this Beer!!! (I'll take a carton - ED)
Things that make you go...WTF?
Read before you take a look at the photo - Riskassess this?
Imagine this.... You are working the night shift on a drilling rig in West
Texas, south of the small town of Ft Stockton. It is very dark and there
have been thunderstorms in the area. The only lights in the area are
those on the drilling rig and some faint red glows from a near-by radio
tower. You begin to wonder where that freight train sound is coming from
since there are no tracks near the rig. A friendly bolt of lightning
gives you the answer....One you may not have wanted to know.
Remember that these monsters frequently happen at night.
Homer Simpson Found On Euro Coin
10:07pm UK, Monday August 11, 2008
A shopkeeper has discovered a euro coin - with Homer Simpson's head on it.
Spot The Difference: Homer's Head On Euro
Sweetshop owner Jose Martinez found the nickel piece while cashing up the
day's takings in Spain .
The head of Spanish King Juan Carlos
target=_blank>Click here has been
morphed into the unmistakable profile of the world's favourite cartoon
The monarch's visage with full head of curls has been skilfully crafted
into the pop-eyed, big-nosed, bald-headed features of beer-swilling Homer
, target=_blank>Click here complete with his 5
"The coin must have been done by a professional," Mr Martinez said from the
Asturian town of Aviles, northern Spain .
"It's an impressive piece of work."
He said he spotted the handiwork after first discovering three euro coins
The mystery defacer had not taken his scalpel to the other side of the
which displays the map of Europe.
But the high quality of workmanship has prompted speculation that other
unusual euros might be in circulation.
Some have even suggested that the illegal work might be part of a
republican conspiracy against the Spanish monarchy.
Meanwhile, Mr Martinez said neighbours and friends had offered him §20
(£16) for the piece.
As news of the find rippled around the globe thousands more bids started to
emerge from the Netherlands, Japan, Canada and the US.
But the shopkeeper maintained he was keeping the coin for himself.
Amazing street art
For all my friends
I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the sh*t out of me.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT
(This one is too funny to not forward.)
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
Who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle
And told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly. So lovely people, if you could just
put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
Somewhat Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to
raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She turned her head and calmly said: 'In my country, I am called
A Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat:
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Pope vs Rabbi
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or
leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the
Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of
Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy , if the Pope
won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise Rabbi Moishe to
represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian, and the
Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a
full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi
Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope
said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only
one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him
that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show
that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to
show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to
remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."
Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe "How did
you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three
days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that
the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying
"And then what?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
And one from the prolific (or is that prophylactic) Wizzbang.
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel
noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you
know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a
suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
And lastly because this is Bluehaze and the Friday Humour page;
Quote a' th' Week:-
Eric: "Who was that Lady I seen you with last night?"
Ernie: "You mean, 'I saw'."
Eric: "Sorry, who was that eye saw I seen you with last night."
Eric Morecambe & Ernie Wise, 1979
[ End friday humour ]
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