Friday humour - August 15, 2008



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


I suppose many of our readers see me as a pinko ... and maybe rightfully
so.


I have an open mind, and it really irritates me when I see a system where
it's seen as respectable to pay some people $13 million a year even when
the companies that they work for are crashing through the floor.  I don't
believe that anyone can EARN this much money in a single year ... Yet the
system continually proves me wrong.

It also amazes me that King George of America can go all pious about
Georgia saying that what's happened in totally unacceptable in the 21st
century.
He's never bothered to explain the real reason for invading Iraq.

Poor Russia has suffered more casualties than any other nation in both
world wars.  Yet, they are now knocked for coming to the aid of some
Georgian citizens who were attacked by their own government troops under
the publicity cloak of the Olympics opening ceremony.

Wouldn't America do exactly the same thing if it happened on one of its
borders?  It's time for Boy George to butt out - and enjoy the closing
ceremony of the Olympics ... as well as his own.

And on the Beijing Olympics - give China a go!  Poor China is the most
populous country in the world.  They have been kicked from pillar to post
by former imperialistic empires.  They embraced communism about 60 years
ago,
and let's face it, it's worked for the vast majority of them.  From a
struggling tin-pot country they have created an economy that is
challenging the rest of the world.

Just as in the former Soviet Union, communism in China won't last.  People
can't help getting greedy with all their newfound wealth.  But you'd have
to admit - communism can work in the short term.  And many people can
benefit,
if it's administered by an altruistic leader.

Which brings me to wonder ...   As China embraces capitalism, how will it
see its industry leaders who start to earn the equivalent of $13 million a
year?  I'd like to think that they'd throw the book at them.  Maybe just
for old times sake.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

We start this week with a personality profile sent in by Billm


This is really neat... try it !

When you click on the link, a series of about 15 pictures will come up.
Click on a photo in that category that appeals to you.

Again 15 pictures will come up, click the one for you and move on. Just
continue to keep picking.

At the end it will give you a profile of yourself.... It's called a visual
DNA.... Your choices dictate your profile.

Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

More from Bill

                           DON'T CALL HOME FOR MONEY!

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that
for fifteen dollars?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they
just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to
buy a
Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who
knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's
going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced
himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for
fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I
thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run
off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back.
He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send
him the money. So I did."

(Are women good or what?)


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                           Airport

A young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favor?'

The priest replied: 'Of course, what can I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the Custom's limits, and I'm
afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through
customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official
asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought the answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is,
to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


            A Great Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet

Dazza is driving over the WestGate Bridge one day when he sees his
Girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Dazza slams on the brakes and yells:

'Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?'

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

'G'day Dazza. You got me preggas, so now I'm gonna kill meself'. Dazza gets
a lump in his throat when he hears this.

'Shazza',he says

'Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too'

And drives off.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Cartographer Chris

                           Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you s*xually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget?
Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to
rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh.... are you qualified to ask that question?

And the best for last?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These are from Diks

                           SURVIVOR: West Virginia  Style

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, we're planning  to do
our own show entitled 'Survivor: West  Virginia  Style.' 

The contestants  will start  in Wheeling; travel down to New
Martinsville and on to Parkersburg.

From  there they will head  over to Ripley and Odessa and Summersville.

They will then proceed  south  to Fayetteville and Beckley; then west
through Pineville, Williamson, Logan, Charleston and  back to  Wheeling. 

Each will be driving a  pink  Volvo with New Jersey license plates and
large bumper stickers that read:  'I'm Gay' 'NASCAR  Sucks' 'Go Pitt'
'Copenhagen is for Idiots' 'Obama in 2008' 'Deer Hunting is Murder' 'Say No
to  Budweiser' 'I'm Here to  Confiscate Your  Guns'  and  'Go,  Michigan'  

The first  one to make it back to Wheeling alive  wins.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                       Lost wallet ...

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost
his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he
attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by the Customs Agent at
the
Tijuana border.

'May I see your ID.? Por favor, senor?' asked the agent.

'I'm sorry, but I seem to have lost my wallet,' replied the guy. 'Si,
amigo,
I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border,' said the agent.

'But I can prove that I'm an American!' he exclaimed. 'I have a picture of
Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Hillary Clinton
tattooed on the other."

'This I got to see, senor,' replied the agent.

With that, he dropped his pants & bent over in front of the agent.

'By golly, you're right!' exclaimed the agent. 'Have fun in Chicago .'

'Thanks!' he said. 'But how did you know I was from Chicago ?'

The agent replied, 'I recognized Barack Obama in the middle!'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                   The Flower Show

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench  outside the local town
hall where a flower show was in  progress.

The thin one  leaned over and  Said, 'Life is so darned boring.  We never
have any fun any more.  For $10 I'd take my clothes off  and streak
through that stupid flower show!'

'You're on!' said the  other old lady, holding up a $10 bill. The first
little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely
 naked, streaked  (as fast as an old  lady can)  through the front door of
 the flower show.

Waiting  outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
Followed by loud applause and  shrill whistling. The smiling and naked  Old
lady came through the exit door surrounded by a  cheering crowd.

'What  happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                       Gone to God

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of
the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and
small
American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been
staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside
the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.' 

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor,
what is this?' 

The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women
who died in the service.' 

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear
asked, “Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                       Biology Class ...

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70
points or none at all. One student in particular was hard put to think of
seven advantages.

He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck.  Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7.) It comes in cute containers.

He got an A.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A quickie and more from EJ

                                   FANTASTIC NEWS

After an absence from the stage for more than 40 years, the famous American
group CHUCK DAILY AND THE VOMITS are to make a tour of Australia.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


SITUATION ADAPTABILITY EVALUATION FOR MANAGEMENT PERSONNEL

This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personnel
to various situations. The situations are based on actual case studies
from a well known educational institution and represent a cross section of
test data corrolated to evaluate both reaction time to difficult situations
as well as the soundness of each decision selected. There are 8 multiple
choice questions. Read each question thoroughly. Place an "x" by the
answer you feel is most correctly justified by the circ*mstances given. Be
prepared to justify your decision.

YOU HAVE 4 MINUTES.

1. You have prepared a proposal for the regional director of purchasing for
your largest customer. The success of this presentation will mean
increasing your sales to his company by 200% In the middle of your
proposal the customer leans over to look at your report and spits into
your coffee. You:

(A) Tell him you prefer your coffee black.
(B) Ask to have him checked for any communicable diseases.
(C) Take a leak in his " OUT" basket.

2. You are having lunch with a prospective client talking about what could
be your biggest sale of the year, During the conversation a blonde walks
into the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's
attention to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you
had her alone in your motel. She walks over to the table and introduces
herself as your client's daughter. You:

(A) Ask for her hand in marriage.
(B) Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English.
(C) Repeat the conversation to the daughter and just hope for the best.

3. You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
in the plushest office you have ever seen. The hot enchilada casseroles
and egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating a severe
pressure. Your sphincter loses it's control and you break wind in a most
convincing manner causing 3 water tumblers to shatter and a secretary to
pass out. What you do next is:

(A) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(B) Point out their Chief Executive and accuse him of the offence.
(C) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.

4. You are at business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Remembering this is definitely a
NO
NO, you:

(A) Pretend to wave to someone across the room with one fluid motion, stick
your forefinger in your nostril up to the 3rd joint.
(B) Get everyone drunk and organise a nose picking contest with a prize to
the one who makes his nose bleed first.
(C) Drop your napkin to the floor and when you bend to pick it up, blow
your nose on your sock.

5. You have just spent the evening with a supplier who invited you to an
all-night booze party. You got home just in time to go to work. You
stagger to the toilet and spend the next half hour vomiting. As you are
washing your face in the sink your sales manager arrives, blows his his
cigar smoke in your face, and asks you to join him for drinks after work.

(A) You look him straight in the eye and launch one last convulsive torrent
at the front of his David Jones suit.
(B) You kick him in the nuts, hoping he will never recognise your green
face.
(C) Grasp his hand and shake it until he p*sses in his pants.

6. You are at a dinner with a customer and his wife, who looks like Ena
Sharples of Coronation St. Half way through dinner you feel a hand on your
lap. If you are resourceful you will:

(A) Accidentally spill hot coffee in your lap.
(B) Slip a note to the waiter to have your customer paged and see if the
hand goes away when he does.
(C) Excuse yourself and go to the toilet. If he follows, don't come out
until you have a signed order.

7. You're on your way in to see your best account when your zip breaks and
you are wearing no underpants You decide to:

(A) Call on the customer's secretary instead.
(B) Explain you were just looking for poofs.
(C) Buy a raincoat and head for the school playground.

8. You have just returned from St Kilda and you tell your boss that nobody
but prostitutes and football players live there. He mentions that his wife
is from there. You:

(A) Ask what position she played.
(B) Ask if she is still on the streets.
(C) Pretend you have amnesia and can't remember your name.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's one from Front Range Barbie

                                     Real blonde joke

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58PM.  He sat down
next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.  The 10:00 PM news
was coming on.  The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of
a large Building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'

Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'

The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
swandive off the building, falling to his death.  The blonde was very
upset,
but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair'sfair. Here's your
money.'

Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news
and so I knew he would jump.'

The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money.


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These came from Kaos_reflex

                                     Beijing 2008

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site in Beijing. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to
the
Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says,
"You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge
of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys
to make a big dent in that there pile."

So the foreman went away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile
of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of
it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella
that he awasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I
nocouldafinda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, And you, I thought I told
you to shovel this pile."  The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah
couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of
supplies, boot ahcouldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to
look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind
the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES"!!


 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                           Life

A group of women were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms
are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Ha! My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third,
to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for being women," winced another one as
she shook her head. Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not all bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank goodness we can
still drive!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


            Another happy customer of the Federal government

A fabulous characteristic of Australians is that we are far more direct and
outspoken than others when dealing with the sort of elected w@nker who
wouldn't otherwise get the full drift of what they were trying to
communicate.

Below is one such wonderful communication...

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I
bought a television set and golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the
Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the
income tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years.  It is on my driver's
licence, on the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid
customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off
the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms
that
I've filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's
name is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely f*cking
astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!

SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really p*ssed off this morning. Between
you an' me, I've had enough of all this bullsh*t! You send the application
to my house, and then you ask me for my f*cking address!! What the hell is
going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal
ar*eholes workin' there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I
can't even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand
and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). 
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh*t whether I plan
on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do
something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell
not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city,
and get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate, and to part with
another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to
assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day??  Nooooo that'd
be too f*cking easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to
have us running all over the place like chickens with our f*cking heads
cut off, and then having to find some high society w@nker to confirm that
it's really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo - the one where
we're not allowed to smile?! You f*cking morons

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

PS: Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in
high-society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this
country since before 1850!  In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms
with
Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)  I have also served in
both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in
1967), and still have high security clearances. I'm also a personal friend
of the president of the RSL. and Lt. General Peter Cosgrove sends me a
Christmas card each year.  However, your rules require that I have to get
someone 'important' to verify who I am; you know someone like my doctor;
WHO
WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FUCKING PAKISTAN!!!...... a country where they
either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended
from the
Commonwealth for not having the 'right sort of government.'

You are all f*cking idiots!!  


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                         Flying High

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances
up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes
she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat
right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or
vacation?"

She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac
Convention in Chicago."

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting
next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to
maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this
convention?"

"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular
myths about s*xuality."

"Really," he says, swallowing hard," what myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are
the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who
is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French
men are the best lovers, when actually it is the man of Jewish descent.
However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is
the Southern
Redneck."

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm
sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even
know your name!"

"Tonto!" the man says, "Tonto Goldstein! But my friends call me Bubba!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's some from our Smithie in Nottingham

                                      The Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the
deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that
the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde
mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please
have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with
a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did
an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her
astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you
left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his
wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead,
and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads!

BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                        The Clinic

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared
offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients.

As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist
was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her
his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at
the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME
TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR
THAT DID YOURS.'

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


            THE NINE MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE

1. THE DOCTOR: because he says : "Take your clothes off"
2. THE DENTIST: because he says : "Open wide"
3. THE HAIRDRESSER: because he says : "Do you want it teased or blown"
4. THE MILKMAN: because he says : "Do you want it in the front or the
back?"
5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR: because he says : "Once it's in, you'll love it"
6. THE SHARE BROKER: because he says : "It will rise gradually and maintain
it's peak for a long-long-long time"
7. THE BANKER: because he says : "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose
interest
8. THE HUNTER: because he "Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always
eats what he shoots"
9. THE TELCOM GUY: because he says : "Would you like it on the table or
against the wall.

10.And the most annoying is FATHER CHRISTMAS...the bastard only comes once
a year


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                        Dogs day

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation...

The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, 'So why are you here?'

The brown Lab replied, 'I'm a p*sser. I p*ss on everything... the sofa, the
curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
p*ssed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

The black Lab said, 'So what is the vet going to do?'

'Gonna cut my nuts off,' came the reply from the chocolate Lab. 'They
reckon it'll calm me down. The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and
asked,
'Why are you here?'

The yellow Lab said, 'I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the Hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owner's couch.'

'So what are they going to do to you?' the black Lab inquired. 'Looks like
I'm losing my nuts too', the dejected yellow Lab said.

The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, 'Why are you here?'

'I'm a humper,' the black Lab said. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat,
a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see.
Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started humping away'.

The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, 'So, nuts
off for you too, huh?'

The black Lab said... 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.'.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These are from Stumpy Steve

                                      Irish Sausages

'Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to
the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'

'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian?'
demanded the Irishman indignantly. 'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst,
would you ask me if I was German?'

Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot
dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?' 'Or, if I asked you for a taco,
would you ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would Ya? Would Ya?'

The assistant said: 'Well, no.' Suitably encouraged by the success of his
logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.

'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?'

'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'

'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all
right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish
sausages?'

The assistant replied: 'Because you're in a bloody Laundry


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                           G or B

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or
balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to
keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,
there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in
death.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do
you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy.'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking,
Or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of s*x?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,.... 'Then, why do you even give a sh*t?'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


This came from Whizzbang

                                     Sunday school

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to Heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and
gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was
fun!

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children,
and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'

A six-year-old boy shouted out, 'YOU GOTTA BE FUCKIN' DEAD!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


To the AV files now ... and they're from Moose, Diks, Cartographer Chris,
Whizzbang, Geoff, Billm, and Burnout.


And God created women
 Click here

Cow video - no Bull!
 Click here

Best Beer Commercial
 Click here

Who Brought the Cat?????
 Click here

I am normal
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Why Women stay Single
 Click here

Fish Tattoo!   [ AO ]
 Click here

How to design a Logo
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Future Vacations
 Click here

Model sues surgeon ....
 Click here

What Jesse Really Said..............
 Click here

Bear warning
 Click here

Danish Speed Limit system
 Click here

Blonde buys a Cat flap
 Click here

A bit naughty, but...............
 Click here

I must switch to a different variety of potato next year, although the
convent has bought a barrow load
 Click here

Lunch on the Skyscraper...AWESOME
 Click here

A REALLY BAD NIGHT (I'm never drinking again)
 Click here

Boxing fan
 Click here

Trucages raf
 Click here

Gummi Lighthouses
 Click here

CARNIVAL OF RIO DE JAINERO !!!!!!!! GOOD LOOKING GIRLS   !!!!!!!
 Click here

Incredible Parachuting
 Click here

WEDDING GOWN OF THE YEAR
 Click here

This is REAL footage! The guy was caught and jailed!....wait till the end.
 Click here

The Real Reason For Traffic Jams in LA ...
[ WARNING - PRUDES MAY NOT LIKE - OTHERS MAY SEE AS FUNNY - Ed ]
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These actually did arrive anonymous - who knows who he or she is ...

                                         So funny!!

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember it could have
been worse. These are actual quotes taken from  *government* employee
performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."
5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
10."Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together."
11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other
one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking
for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                              Think like a wizard . . .
 


man 
1. ------------    board   


Ans. = man overboard 


 Okay, let's see if you've got the hang of it.   

    stand 
2. ------------      i      
Ans. = I understand   


OK . . .
 Got the drift ?
 
Let's try a few now and see  how you fare ? 


3. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/ 


 

Ans. = reading between the lines   


4.  r 
        road      a     d    


Ans. = cross road 
 

Not having a good day now, are you ?

Redeem yourself.
   


5.      cycle 
         cycle           cycle 


Ans. = tricycle 
 

Not easy to figure out ha!  
   


        0 
6. ------------          M.D.          Ph.D. 


 

Ans. = two degrees below zero     

C'mon give it a little thought ! !
   

        knee 
7. ------------           light 


 


Ans. = neon light
 ( knee - on - light )   


U can prove u r smart by getting this one.   


                      ground 
8.                    ---------------                    feet feet feet
feet feet feet 


 
 

Ans. = six feet underground 
   

Oh no, not again ! !
   


9.  he's X  himself 


Ans. = he's by himself 
   

Now u messing up big time.
   


10. ecnalg 


 


Ans. = backward glance 
 

    Not even close ! !
   


11. death ..... life 


 
 

Ans. = life after death 
 

Okay your penultimate chance ..................


12. THINK 


 


Ans. = think big ! ! 
   


And the last one is real fun do - - -
 


13. ababaaabbbbaaaabbbbababaabbaaabbbb... 


 

Ans. =  long time no 'C'


( see )……..DUHHHHHHHHH


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From Burnout


The American Federal Witness Protection Program has come up with a
sure-fire method for making absolutely certain that people entering the
program are
NEVER found by anyone.

They just change the witness's name to ''G. Spot.''


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                     The Honeymoon

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and
began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, 'What's wrong
with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

'I had tolio as a child,' he answered.

'You mean polio?' she asked.

'No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.'

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked

'What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!'

'As a child, I also had kneasles,' he explained.

'You mean measles?' she asked.

'No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.'

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

'Don't tell me,' she said.

'Let me guess..................

Smallcox?'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

More from Mapmaker Chris

                                     Baby Airplanes

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to
Calgary.

The little boy who had been quietly looking out the window, turned to his
mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to go ask the
flight attendant.

So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, who was
busy serving drinks.

She smiled and asked, 'Did your Mom tell you to ask me?'

The boy answered, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then you go and tell your Mom that there are no baby airplanes
because Westjet always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to
you.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

From The Duke

         Deep thoughts for those who take life way too seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like...... night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis?... Raise my hand.

10. OK... so what's the speed of dark?

11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

15. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally some from Geoff

                   Only a man could understand the depth of this!

I never quite figured out why the s*xual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it,
I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very
expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her
we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a
pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis
bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'

She was almost nearing s*xual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel
like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?'

Apparently I'm not having s*x tonight either.... but at least she knows I'm
smarter than her.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                         Think a litre of petrol is expensive?

Can of Red Bull, 250ml, $2.95 ... $11.80 per litre!

Robitussin Cough Mixture, 200ml, $9.95 ..... $199.00 per litre

L'Oreal Revitalift Day Cream, 50ml, $29.95 ... $599.00 per litre!

Bundy Rum 1250ml, $51.00.......$40.80! per litre

Visene Eye Drops, 15ml $569.......379.00 per litre!

Britney Spears Fantasy Perfume, 50ml, $29 ... $580.00 per litre! And this
is the REAL KICKER.

Evian water, 375ml, $2.95 ...$7.86 per litre! $7.86 for a litre of WATER!!
and the buyers don't even know the source

(Evian spelled backwards is NAIVE!!)

Ever wonder why computer printers are so cheap? So they can hook you for
the ink!! Someone calculated the cost of the ink at, you won't believe it
but it's true; $1,040 a litre. $1040.00 A LITRE!!! So, the next time
you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Red Bull,
Robitussin,
L'Oreal or, God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                            Bull

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase
a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide
to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought
a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck
and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the
brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her
the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it
very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                        Conception

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,

'How did I get here?'

Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'

'Did God send you, too?' asked the child

'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.

'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.

'He sent them also,' the mother said.

'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.

'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.

'So you're telling me that there has been NO s*x in this family for 200
years?

No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here.'

AND ALL THE TIME I THOUGHT IT WAS PETROL PRICE MADE EM GRUMPY


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the Week:


 "I said this violence is unacceptable - I not only said it to Vladimir
  Putin, I've said it to the president of the country, Dmitry Medvedev.
  And, look, I expressed my grave concern about the disproportionate
  response of Russia and that we strongly condemn bombing outside
  of South Ossetia."

  It's just interesting to me that here we are trying to promote peace
  and harmony and we're witnessing a conflict take place."


            Mental Giant and bastion of peace freedom and democracy
                                                            - George W Bush


                 [ It's a shame he didn't think this way in 2003  - Ed ]


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (August 08, 2008)  Index Next (August 22, 2008)