Friday humour - August 08, 2008

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

It was such a treat to have Keating back on TV last night (Thursday), not
because I agree with him, or because he did good work, but because he
elevates the political discussion beyond the mind numbing bland mediocrity
we have all become used to here in Oz. I think he is the last one we will
ever see who actually says what he means. Plenty of tip and lots more
iceberg.

God - they aren't going to call Costello back - are they ??!!

This one is my favourite this week because it appeals directly to my
perverse sense of humour.
 Click here

And this one gets a special mention. Here's hoping the maths are wrong!
 Click here

This weeks collection is courtesy of most of the usual suspects, namely
Allnutts, Anatinus, Biggus, Burnout, Cartographer Chris,
Croydon Caz, Digi Maria, Diks, Front Range Barbie, Geoff, Nottingham
Smithie, Rudi, Seasoldier, Stumpy Steve, The Great Gussius,
Whizzbang and Zalaga. And welcome back to the western list!

Lets start off the text stuff with a good chuckle ...

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This year a definition was required for the contemporary term, 'Political
Correctness'.

The winner wrote:

'Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical
minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which
holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a t*rd
by the clean end.'

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a
requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succ*mb to
temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it
still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with
my faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about
five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the sh*t out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

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Barney is Satan - proof

1) Start with the given:
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

2) Change all U's to V's (which is proper latin anyway):
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

3) Extract all Roman Numerals:
C V V L D I V

4) Convert into Arabic values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5

5) Add all the numbers:
666

Thus, Barney is Satan.

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman got captured by a tribe. Stranded
on this island, the tribe were going to kill them one by one.

A man from the tribe states that there are three ways to die: either shot,
stab or injected with AIDS.

The Englishman says, "I will go first, please. Shoot me in the head."

The Scotsman says, "I am next, please. Stab through the heart."

The Irishman walks up laughing. "I will go next, please. Inject me."

As he gets his injection, he is laughing and the tribesmen cannot
understand why he is laughing considering he will be dead shortly.

One tribesmen says, "why are you laughing? You have just been injected with
AIDS and will be dead soon."

Irishman says, "I don't think so! I am wearing a condom!"

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Bill and Hillary were in bed and Monica brought them their toast and coffee
but the food was cold so Bill told Monica who was a bit deaf to "sack my
cook".

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One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the
shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the
dog tied under that tree outside?"

The redneck said it was his.

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the officer said.

The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that
shade tree."

The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry
'cause I fed her this mornin'."

The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants
to have s*x!"

(You gotta love this)

The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a
police dog."

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Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from Port
Adelaide showed up.

Never having seen anyone from Port Adelaide at heaven's door, Saint Peter
said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous
people from the group.

A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said,
"They're gone!"

"What? All of the people from Port Adelaide are gone?" asked God.

"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"

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Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the Bush.
All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a
small cave.

"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely
until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off
his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all
about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?"

The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian
men see cave, they holler "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If
they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there
waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Immediately, there was the answer, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep
inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied
a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the
Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, "Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, 
tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read ...

NAKED IRISHMAN HIT BY TRAIN!!!

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section
of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly
shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, Then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still Curious about
the shuddering A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more
than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, I
couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times,
wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

'I'm sorry if I disturbed you; I have a very rare medical condition.
Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have Never heard
of that condition before,' he said. 'Are you taking
Anything for it?

The woman nodded: 'Pepper.'

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A woman in her forties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and
squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how
ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you
think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not
only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 45-year old ar*e?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.

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Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

-------

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He
is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling
white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I
enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to
be a FANTASTIC week!

-------

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

-------

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop.

Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the
hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. He said some other sh*t too.

-------

THURSDAY :

Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and
hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

-------

FRIDAY :

I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world.

Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything
that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed
on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?

-------

SATURDAY :

Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.

-------

SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little sh*t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!

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HERE ARE TWO THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH YOUR HEAD DOWN -PLAY GOLF AND PRAY.
- Lee Trevino

A LITTLE GIRL WAS AT HER FIRST GOLF LESSON WHEN SHE ASKED AN INTERESTING
QUESTION: 'IS THE WORD SPELLED P-U-T OR P-U-T-T?' SHE ASKED
THE INSTRUCTOR. 'P-U-T-T IS CORRECT,' HE REPLIED. 'PUT MEANS TO PLACE A
THING WHERE YOU WANT IT. PUTT MEANS MERELY A VAIN ATTEMPT TO
DO THE SAME THING.'

ART SAID HE WANTED TO GET MORE DISTANCE. I TOLD HIM TO HIT IT AND RUN
BACKWARD.
- Ken Venturi, on Art Rosenbaum

THE ONLY THING IN MY BAG THAT WORKS IS THE BUG SPRAY.
- Bruce Lansky

GOLF IS A GAME IN WHICH THE SLOWEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE THOSE IN FRONT
OF YOU, AND THE FASTEST ARE THOSE BEHIND.

I'VE HAD A GOOD DAY WHEN I DON'T FALL OUT OF THE CART.
- Buddy Hackett

RELAX? HOW CAN ANYBODY RELAX AND PLAY GOLF? YOU HAVE TO GRIP THE CLUB,
DON'T YOU?
- Ben Hogan

MY BODY IS HERE, BUT MY MIND HAS ALREADY TEED OFF.

I FOUND OUT THAT ALL THE IMPORTANT LESSONS OF LIFE ARE CONTAINED IN THE
THREE RULES FOR ACHIEVING A PERFECT GOLF SWING:
1. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
2. FOLLOW THROUGH.
3. BE BORN WITH MONEY

YOU CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY IN THIS GAME. JUST ASK MY EX WIVES. BOTH OF
THEM ARE SO RICH THAT NEITHER OF THEIR HUSBANDS WORK.
- Lee Trevino  
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I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather
had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning'.

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old
having s*x would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the ding and out on the dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the
ice cream truck hadn't come along.'

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THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease , your nose will begin to itch
and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity
of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always
answers.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre,
the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.

Variation Law
If you change lines in a queue (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will
always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath/Shower
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you
are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive
last.

The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to
do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a gym locker room, they will have adjacent
lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor covering
are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making
it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the
time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and
you'll stay sick

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Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else
to be p*ssed about. A black congresswoman (this would be
Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston), reportedly complained that the names of
hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as
Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in "language" that
street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in
New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of
the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+
MPH, that's too hard to understand

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy
on a crotch rocket!
Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave
yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE sh*t!

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A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left
the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran
into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told
her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and
use it to push my car fast enough to start it.

I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it
needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming
wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me
at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my
directions.

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*TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007* (first seen in 1998 Ed.)

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter
after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.
He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's
lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two
hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his
home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the
man was standing beside them in the police line,
shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller
machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own
bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for
all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours
until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up.
When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: 'Give me
all your money or I'll shoot,' the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife
is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart,' 'Is this her
first child?' the doctor asked. 'No,' the man shouted, 'this is her
husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King
was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a
weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately,
he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks,
new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they
couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in
almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power they applied. After about
an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking
someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside
check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran
fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct
size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the
trailer!

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Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and
plays golf every Sat*rday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings
over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know
that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a
Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter
word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this
time.'

Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

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It was a hot Sat*rday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date
with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a
seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced
tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt
shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Fred asked, eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's
all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we
let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate
plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture
wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a
bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.

'Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The Twist,
Dammit! It's called the Twist! '

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A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later, after knocking back a fair few drinks, he goes over to the new guy
and loudly asks him:

'So ... How do you like using second hand stuff?'

The new husband casually replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 3
inches it's all brand new.'

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A jackeroo in Australia was out checking farm fences in his ute when he hit
something. He radioed the homestead for advice.

'There's a pig stuck in the bullbars and is still alive but he's kicking
and squealing so much I can't get him free' he said.

'Okay,' said the boss. 'In the back of the ute there's a .303. Put it up to
the pig's head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you'll be able to
get it off the bullbars and throw it into the bush..'

About 45 minutes later the jackeroo called in again, 'I did what you said,
'Boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of
the bullbars, no problem. But I still can't go on..'

'Why not?' asked the boss. 'What's the problem?'

'Well it's his motorbike ... the flashing blue light is jammed under the
wheel-arch.'

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A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when
his wife complained, as usual,'' I have a headache.''

"Perfect," her husband said "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis
with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, It's up to
you."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The following questions were set in a GCSE examination in Swindon,
Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O
and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Tom had been in the POLICE for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he
quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as
possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost
total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,
bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about
5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with
the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be
some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks
again.'

'More'n likely be some wild s*x, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should
I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


It was time for Father John's Sat*rday night bath and the young nun, Sister
Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun
had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness
if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Sat*rday night
bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him,
and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where
he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven
fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key
to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation
was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old b******' said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Sometimes..
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes..
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes.
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress

Sometimes.
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile ..

But fart just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching
stories!

Send this on to your friends -- Make them laugh!

PS - I personally are far from being bored

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

To make it stand: You wet it!

To make it wet: You suck it!

To make it stiff: You lick it!

To get it in: You push it!

Damn!

Threading a needle when you're older is a bitch!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How it really is ...
 Click here

The perfect couple ...
 Click here

This mob are in nobody's shadow ...
 Click here

Just goes to show, you shouldn't believe everything you see! That popcorn
and the phone thing was a clever spoof!
 Click here

Is it just me? What is the point!
 Click here

Driver abuses speed limit and himself
 Click here

Research
 Click here

Great Advertising posters......
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Seeing eye cat?
 Click here

Centrum Silver
 Click here

The differences between man and woman...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

A Scorned Mother's Wedding Invite
 Click here

My What?
 Click here

Michelangelo's David returns to Italy after visiting the US.
 Click here
Sponsored by ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Surprise!
 Click here

What is Sophia looking at? (yes - you have to know who they are ... Ed.)
 Click here

Never, Ever ...
 Click here

Something to look forward to ...
 Click here

Motivational Posters
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Bastard
 Click here

Nothing happened to the driver!
 Click here

Amazing!
 Click here

The news on Fox this morning ... (rude word)
 Click here

The good old days ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

1960 UK Educational text book.
 Click here

Ess*x wedding ... it's all about understated elegance ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Tennessee Farm. A new use for GPS!
 Click here

36 hours!
 Click here

Thongs + Superglue - simple but effective
 Click here

Animal clips
 Click here

Great Race
 Click here

Developing Colour
 Click here

Noah's Ark all over again - phenomenal!
 Click here Click here Click here

Working Replica of Noah's Ark Opens In SCHAGEN, Netherlands
The massive central door in the side of Noah's Ark was thrown open Sat*rday
for the first crowd of curious Pilgrims and townsfolk to behold the wonder
Of course, it's only a replica of the biblical Ark , built by Dutch
Creationist Johan Huibers as a testament to his faith in the literal truth
of the Bible
The ark is 150 cubits long, 30 cubits high and 20 cubits wide. That's
two-thirds the length of a foot ball field and as high as a three-story
house.
Life-size models of giraffes, elephants, lions, crocodiles, zebras, bison
and other animals greet visitors as they arrive in the main hold.
A contractor by trade, Huibers built the ark of cedar and pine -Biblical
Scholars debate exactly what the wood used by Noah would have been.
Huibers did the work mostly with his own hands, using modern tools and with
occasional help from his son Roy. Construction began in
May 2005.
On the uncovered top deck - not quite ready in time for the opening - will
come a petting zoo, with baby lambs and chickens, and goats, and one
camel.
Visitors on the first day were stunned.
'It's past comprehension, ' said Mary Louise Starosciak, who happened to be
bicycling by with her husband while on vacation when they saw The ark
looming over the local landscape
'I knew the story of Noah, but I had no idea the boat would have been so
big.'
There is enough space near the keel for a 50-seat film theatre where kids
can watch a video that tells the story of Noah and his ark.
Huibers said he hopes the project will renew interest in Christianity in
the Netherlands, where church going has fallen dramatically in the past 50
years.
 Click here

Mum and Dad ... meet my new boy-friend (XXX)
 Click here

For All the Car Guys (and Girls) Out There.
 Click here

When RFIs go unanswered ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Penguin Car Repair
 Click here

Alternative Technology
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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