Friday humour - August 01, 2008

[from Smithie at Bluehaze]

A majority of EU member states, including Britain and Ireland, have voted
to reform rules like EC Commission Regulation No 2257/94,
which caused international ridicule by stating that all bananas must be
"free of abnormal curvature" and at least 14 cm in length.

Imperfectly-shaped fruit and vegetables may now be back on supermarket
shelves by 2009.

France, Italy, Spain and Greece opposed the reforms and were accused by
officials of unfairly seeking to protect the interests of their farmers.

Mariann Fischer Boel, the European agriculture commissioner, has said that
she also wants to scrap a swathe of regulations on produce such as onions,
garlic, cauliflower and spinach.

Speaking before the vote she said the rules were outdated and especially
inappropriate at the time of a world food shortages.

She said: "In this era of high prices and growing demand, it makes no sense
to throw (misshapen fruit and vegetables) away or destroy them. It
shouldn't be the EU's job to regulate these things."

Under the present regulations, Class 1 cuc*mbers must be "practically
straight" and be bent by a gradient of no more than 1/10.

Produce that does not meet the minimum standards can not at present be sold
as second-class, meaning many edible items are thrown away by farmers.

Now all we have to do is get rid of bent politicians - but at long last
common sense has come through with flying colours regarding farm produce.

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Alibaba first up - FEMALE COMPASSION
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no
Legs.Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.The
first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'The man said 'No,' so she gave
him a hug and walked on.The second woman said,
'Have you ever had a kiss?'The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and
walked on.The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been
f#cked?' The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

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from Allnutts .................WELL IT FINALLY HAPPENED
I've worked so hard that my cursor caught FIRE! Check it out for yourself.

Click HERE Click here
a clever use of flashfire for sure!

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any
skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was
Suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where
The Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honour
Their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more
handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went
on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at
her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you
did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

My darling," she replied, " I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss you on the cheek!"

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One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10
years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly
not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out
the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned
Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had
a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman.. With that,
she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of
her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one,
lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man,
'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey'
asked the blonde
Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.'

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket
there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and
took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis
truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of
her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and
asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed; 'Sweet
Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

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A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their 10th wedding
anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special
occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession, before we were
married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and
says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold
your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the
trade and spice up our s*x life a bit?'

She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played for
Cronulla

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From Billm - Govt Rep ...................


So this Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Victorian
farm and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, I need to inspect
your farm for your water allocation.
The old farmer says, Okay, but don't go in that paddock over there.
The Water representative says, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal
Government with me. See this card?
This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural
land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old
farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and
close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The
Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his
tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
Your card! Show him your card!

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Smooth Talking Bastard - Friday Classic !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


A young woman in Melbourne was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the Yarra.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the
pier,crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have too much to live for, "lm off
to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he
slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and
you'll keep me happy."


The girl nodded Yes, After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in America would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain."What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an
arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a
trip to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Williamstown Ferry".

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From: Burnout - Achmed the Dead Terrorist
 Click here Click here

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I met this bird last night who was very ugly, I said "What's your name?"
"Tuesday" she replied. I said, "that's a strange name."
She said, "yeah, when I was born my mum and dad looked in the cot and said,
'I think we'd better call it a day.'"

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When she gets married, on arriving at the church the first thing the woman
will see is the aisle, next she will see the altar, and lastly she will
see him...and that's exactly what the horrible cow is thinking.... " Aisle
Altar
Him "

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I quit my job last week at the helium factory. I just didn't like being
spoken to in that tone of voice.

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France officially commended Zinedine Zidane for his head-butting antics
during the previous World Cup.
Apparently, he was the first man in the last 100 years to fight in French
uniform and win.

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My Dad used to collect empty beer bottles; which is a nicer way to say he
was an alcoholic.

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Scientists in Tasmania are working to produce a near green house neutral
power station.
It involves the use of Primary School children and considerable quantities
of nylon carpet.

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From: Cartographer Chris
The Zipper As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the
height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover
that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip
her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg With a little
smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and
again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large gentleman who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How
dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!' The gentleman smiled and replied, 'Well,
lady, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three
times, I kind of figured we were friends.'

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from Diks ------------------------
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his
ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want
to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the c*cky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a
burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the
older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around
himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'

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and another...............
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation.
Last year, when one flea got to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.
The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"
The first flea says, "I rode down here from Michigan in the moustache of a
guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what I
do. Go to the Grand Rapids airport bar, have a few drinks while you are
there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where
it's warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The flea thanks the other flea and says he will give it a try next summer.

A year goes by..... when the flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and
shaking again.
The other flea asks, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
"Yes", says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the Grand
Rapids airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess
came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm
that I fell asleep..... When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a
guy on a Harley.

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A Canadian Native Indian picks up a hooker.
'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
He says 'Do you do Indian style?'
'No' she says.
' I pay you $200 to do it Indian style'
'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.
'I pay you $300'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had
every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.
How bad could Indian Style be?'' So she agrees and has s*x with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting
something perverted and disgusting. But that was good'. So what exactly is
'Indian style'?'
The Indian replies 'You send da bill to da Government'!

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from Geoff -

While stitching up the hand of an 80-year-old farmer, who got cut while
fencing on his property, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old
man.
Eventually the topic got around to Kevin 07 and his appointment as Prime
Minister of Australia.
"Well, ya know," drawled the farmer, "this Rudd fella is what they call a
fencepost turtle."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost
turtle was.
The old manager said, "When you're driving along a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a
fencepost turtle."
The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to
explain,
"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong
up there,
he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder
what kind of fool put him up there in the first place!"

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Mad Mick from Markwick - Out the mouths of babes

These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his mum breast-feeding his new baby sister. After
a while he asked: "Mum why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for
cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so
old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you
must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mum good night. "I love you so much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain
to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mum explained
it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't
give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why
is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mum asked what
was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What
happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her mum knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this mum will never forget.... this particular Sunday
sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven
and a rapturous look on his up turned face. "Without you, we are but
dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in
her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mum, what is butt dust?"

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From Moose - A day at the races....

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local race track ( Randwick ) to learn about
thoroughbred horses .
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
other.The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their
pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to
their
'privates' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed.Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You
must be in the 5th grade.' 'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver
Arrow in the seventh race.
But I appreciate your help.'

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From: Stumpy Steve - POLICE APPLICANT
Bloke applies for a job with the police, The Inspector says, "These are the
best qualifications I've ever seen. Just one test before you get the job,
take this gun, go out, and shoot 6 Abo's, 6 Muslim's & a rabbit." Bloke
replies Why the rabbit?' Inspector replies,
"Fantastic attitude.You've got the job

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From: Whizzbang - THE HORTH WHITHPERER - If you don't laugh out loud at
this, you're just not trying!!
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?' 'That's easy; he's a midget
with a speech impediment.' So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him
if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.' So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and
rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out
and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrathe that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?

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New exercise routine. If you're over 25 , you might want to take it easy at
first, then do it faster as you become more proficient.
It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN...

NOW SCROLL UP.. .
That's enough for the first day. Great job. Have a Beer.

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Siamese twins walk into a pub in New York and park themselves on a bar
stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Budweisser draft beers,please".
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday lately guys?"
"Off to Britain next month," says John. "We go to Britain every year and
hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, Britain !" says the barman. "Wonderful country . . . the history, the
beer, the culture."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and
American, that's us, eh Jim?"
"So why keep going to Britain ?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

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This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving
an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you
will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Queensland , Brisbane to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone, with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper,
and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You are trying to shoot career-making
photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the
water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.


THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realize who it is...

It's Kevin Rudd!

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save his life, or you can shoot a dramatic
Pulitzer Prize winning photo, doc*menting the death of one of the country's
most powerful men!


THE QUESTION:

Here is the question, and please give an honest answer...


Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

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From: Allnutts - What cars make accidents?
 Click here

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From: Anonymous - SAFETY FIRST
 Click here

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From: Burnout - BBQ Invitation

 Click here

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From: Burnout - Rainbow
 Click here
Another dream shattered.... Bugger it!

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From: Burnout - New Wheel of Fortune
 Click here

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From: Muse - Why women live longer then men

 Click here
OUCH~!!!!
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From: Nottingham Smithie - Rebirth of an Eagle Absolutely amazing!
 Click here

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From: Nottingham Smithie - Bird Feeders
 Click here
The analogy is right on . . . Maxine tells it like it is!!!!

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed.
What a beauty of a bird feeder it is, as I filled it lovingly with seed.
Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous
flow of free and easily accessible food.But then the birds started
building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to
the barbecue.
Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the
table ...everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck
me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.And others birds were
boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low
on food. After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore.
So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I
cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over
the patio.Soon, the back yard was like it used to be.... quiet, serene and
no one demanding their rights to a free meal.
Now let's see.Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free
medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an
automatic citizen. Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.
Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are
housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency
room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because
over half the class doesn't speak English. Corn Flakes now come in a
bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in
English, and people waving flags other than 'Old Glory' are squawking and
screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.Just my
opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird
feeder.If you agree,
pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the poop

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From: The Great Gussius - What would you do if the Pope went to Sydney?
Move Barry Hall to centrehalf forward. Ok if you are ugly,
the guy might not fancy you, so here as a consolation prize is the tee
shirt.....
 Click here

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From: WhizzbangWOW - Granny striptease!!!
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang - Why Men should not take messages...

 Click here

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Whizzbang - Accanto al Cimiterio..... my gudness!!

 Click here

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From: Whizzbang - Last night - Brrrrrrillant

Your wife decides to go out with her friends on a girls night dancing....
You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports all night....You hear
her stumble into bed around 4am and laugh knowing she's going to have a
monster hangover....
You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used
last night...

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece....

You circle the car looking for dents and find none....

But then .... Wait a minute....

A picture is worth a thousand words....


SCROLL DOWN!!!

: Click here

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From: Whizzbang - Skeet Shoot (another stress reliever game)
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang - Caution with bears
 Click here

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From: Whizzbang- Control a woman
 Click here

I have 15 of these ready to send out so first in first served cheers.

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From: Whizzbang - After The Pope's Visit To Australia....

 Click here

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From: Zalaga - Milkman
 Click here

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From: Zalaga
 Click here

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From: anonymous - prevent cheating husbands (XXX)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

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[ End friday humour ]

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