Friday humour - July 25, 2008

[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


Oh for the days of government monopolies, when ruthless competitive
companies didn't choose to work with that thrifty principle of "crisis
management".  If it aint broke, don't fix it.

Recently I had my latest bout of phone problems with the ever so
successfully profitable Optus, which is 100% owned by the Singapore
government.  (It makes you wonder why the former Liberal government in
their right minds ever privatised Testra.)

It took 12 days and three technicians' visits to sort out the problem,
which ultimately was that the phoneline worked adequately well enough when
Optus-supplied filter was removed from the line to the phone.  While
connected I could ring out albeit with heaps of noise, but nobody could
ring in.  Hey ... that is a mighty strong filter!  It does make you wonder
why when they send you these stupid things that they insist that you must
put one on each phone extension.  The final (Optus-subcontracted) Telstra
techie told me that modern phones don't need a filter.

A few days later I had a go at a "friend" who had twice recently rang me on
my mobile when I was talking on the home phone.  I accused her of being
dumb and frankly irritating.  Why couldn't she wait until I was off the
home phone?  She said that she got a message and thought my home phone
line was down again.  So after talking to her I didn't hang up the home
phone, but rang it from my mobile.  And immediately got a message saying
that I was unavailable and please leave a message.

I was a bit upset about this.  So I immediately rang the Optus' "helpline"
to find out the meaning of this.  The first guy was nice and friendly, and
so was I.  He confirmed that I wasn't subscribing to Voicemail, and indeed
had never turned it on.  But, he couldn't fix it.

So he transferred me to a techie, who was also very nice and friendly, as I
was to him.  After a short chat he wanted me to crawl around the floor
pulling out all and sundry (at different times) so that he could do some
line checks with different configurations.  I simply said I'm too tired
for that now - it's what you lot put me through weeks ago when I did have
real problems with the line.  Maybe I'll get back to you when I feel more
in the mood.

A couple of days later a survey company on behalf of Optus (they are so
determined to do the right thing ... aren't they!!??) rang to ask if I'd
do a survey on one of the helpline guys I'd dealt with two days prior. 
Being nice ... and in a better mood, I said Yes.  But let's face it - it
ended up a damning response as far as the poor guy was concerned.  The
last question was did I have any more comments?  So I said that it wasn't
the techie's fault.  He was hamstrung.  It was Optus' fault in the way it
treats its customers.  And I did a "Hyacinth" (Keeping Up Appearances).  I
said that
I'd like to speak to "someone important".

Several hours later "Someone Important" rang.  (Hey they do actually read
the surveys!)  He was nice and friendly ... just like all the others.  And
I was nice too, as I usually am.  I again explained the problem, basically
saying that when I'm talking on my home phone all I want any person
ringing me to hear is the engaged signal ... just as they always have.

Then he all too nicely explained that he wasn't technical, and would have
to transfer me to a techie who would talk me through various scenarios.

And it was then that I snapped.  I told him of what happened only a few
weeks before.  About crawling around the floor pulling out all and sundry
all in vein.  And then waiting for almost two weeks, being made to stay
home for four hours on end at a time, enduring three technician's visits.

And then I started shouting.  (I'm not usually like this.  It almost
frightened me.  At least I didn't sware too much.)

I saw red!

In a moment of complete defiance I yelled at him - No, No!, No!!!!

You seem to be a reasonably intelligent man.  And you're actually getting
paid by Optus ... I'm not!

You ring these intelligent techies on your helpline ... and you wait
listening to the dreadful music interspersed with Optus propaganda for as
long as it takes ... and then you can calmly explain the problem ... AND

Then I yelled THANKYOU, and hung up.

About 45 minutes later, a nice friendly guy from Optus rang (I was nice
too!) to say the problem had been fixed.

I've always been one who tries not being nasty to the hamstrung minions on
assorted helplines.  It's usually not their fault.  The fault is that
these people are put there to stop you speaking to anyone higher up.

I'm just starting to think that maybe I was wrong.  Maybe we should shout
and carry on.

It's not a good observation on how greedy corporations run their affairs in
the 21st Century.

And now, the FH curtain rises ...


First up this week from Slatts

                                        Footy team

Which woman best represents your footy team?

Big in the 1990s but what has she done lately?

Just when you thought you were finally safe....... she's back.

Struts around like a winner but behaves like a loser.

Arrogant bitch who thinks the world revolves around her.

Once the hottest name in the 'biz, now just a fading force.

Seemed like a good idea at the time, now no-one is buying her sh*t.

A star after years as a bit player.

Only recently has everyone realised how hot she really is.

A miracle she is still alive.

Deluded and incapable of living without the intensive support of others.
Would fit right in on the Gold Coast.

Once had the world at her fingertips. Now can`t even remember to wear her
underwear in public.

A legend in the 60's/70's but you wouldn`t touch her in 2008.

Promises a lot but never delivers.

Used to be boring but has become interesting again.

Obvious isnt it??

Unflashy, no nonsense gritty competitor.


This came from Alibaba

                                  "Poor Veterinarian"

A woman calls a veterinarian at 1:00 in the morning, frantic that her pooch
has been carrying on with another dog. They are now stuck together in the
yard and she wants to get them apart.

The male vet, sounding a little irritated asks, "Did you try warm water?"

"Yes," said the woman, "It didn't work."

"Did you try banging pots and pans together, make a lot of noise to
frighten them apart?"

"No, but I will try that right now, hold the line!" A few minutes later,
she gets back on the phone

"No, that did not work either!"

The vet then says, "Ok, try this, after you hang up, put your phone in the
window so the dogs can hear it."

"Get on your cell phone and dial your number."

She asks, "Do you really think the ringing of my home phone will get them

The vet replies, "Well, it worked with me and my wife when you called!"


Here's a couple from Billm

                   Never Take men shopping against their will

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband
accompany her on her trips to K -Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local K -Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion
in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed
below and are doc*mented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on
lay-b y.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.

10 November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the
clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards, K -Mart..


                              LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The
second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

                     LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

                      LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

                   LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to
go to the toilet. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a p*ss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use
the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

             LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''


Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son,
you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little
RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!


This is from Cartographer Chris

                              TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! They
don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party
atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women..

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could
charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would
see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do every thing

Sincerely, Bill Clinton


Stumpy Steve sent in this one

                              Heavy thoughts for today

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die
of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a
weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is s*xually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the
next thing that comes outta its butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?


This stuff came from Whizzbang


A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep
and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal
companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the
man took his arm from around the sheep..

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but
there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The
only survivor was a beautiful Aussie young woman, the most beautiful woman
the man had ever seen...... She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her
and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening
beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds,
a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the
urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had
the opportunity, leaned over to the young Aussie woman cautiously and
whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'


                                   The year is 2222

The year is 2222 and after acc*mulating enough frequent flier miles, Mike
And Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking About
all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they Have
laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of s*x. 'Just how do you guys do
asks Maureen. 'Pretty much the way you do,' responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the
Night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a
Bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weenie willy - about half an inch long and just A
quarter inch thick. 'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks, 'What's the matter?' Well,' she replies, 'It's just not
long enough to reach me!' 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his
forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows
until it's quite Impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'That's more than
long eneugh, but it looks like a long Pencil, it's still pretty narrow...'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
Member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
Exciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make
passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their Separate
ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to
say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was damn good. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept Slapping
my forehead and pulling my ears.'


                                         At last !!

A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes,
this one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9
of your mates.

INSTRUCTIONS: Anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton,
(don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at
the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and
you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among
those women, will be at least:
0.5 Miss Worlds
2.5 Models 463 Wild nymphos 3,234 Good-looking nymphos 20,198 Who enjoy
multiple orgasms 40,198 Bi-s*xual women. In total, that is 64,294 women
who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old
bag you posted off.
And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of
those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER. One bloke for example who sent the letter
to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in
the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine
attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the
international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old
girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent
the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has
already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from
exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages. YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS
E-MAIL. This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying s*x
life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities
(that only interest women). No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and
no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not
send this letter today to 9 of your best friends. PS. - Even when you have
no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner; one of the other women
that arrives will know how to use it. PPS. - This letter can also be
copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great
adventure that they may soon undertake.

It's simple!


                                 Kiwis Are Not Stupid

50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis
are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer."

Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the
stage. Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?" After fufteen or 20
seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little
disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER

Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you
un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media
here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."

So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -
everyone is disheartened. Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin
to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER

Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually
says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance... What uz two plus two?"

Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to
their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...



                           GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'It is 3 o'clock in the morning!' He
slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring out!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife, 'Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?  I think
you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

Yes,' comes back the answer. 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing!' replies the drunk.


The Allnutts Selection

                              Reasons not to bank ANZ

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless
and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00,
now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the
credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . .... The part
about her being dead?'

ANZ: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she
died in January.'

ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

ANZ: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can
do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ: 'That might help.'

Family Member: ' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot
Number 1049.'

ANZ: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the **** do you do with dead people on your


                                HILLBILLY DAYVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'

The farmer said,'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'

The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'

The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I gota John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'

The farmersaid,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyersaid, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'

The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..
Thelawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'

The farmer said, 'No, she's a littlewhite gal, but our last child was a
nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'


To the A/V files now ... and they're from Moose, Whizzbang, Cartographer
Chris, Burnout, London Muse, Allnutts, Digi Maria, Croydon Caz, Diks,  Riz
from the West, Nottingham Smithie, The Great Gussius, and you know who you
are ...

Bad start to your Driving Holiday
 Click here

 Click here

Airport Arrest

Airport Security: What's your name.
Passenger: Batman
Airport Security: Your real name please
Passenger: My name is Bat-Man
Airport Security: Are you trying to be funny? What is your family name
Passenger: Superman
Airport Security handcuffs him & puts him into a locked security room -
Then they checked his Passport...
 Click here

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 DR. PHIL :     The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that  he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road 
before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we
need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
 Click here

 OPRAH:     Well,  I understand that the chicken is having problems, which
is why  he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the 
chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a   part of life,
I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the  rest of the chickens.
 Click here

 GEORGE W. BUSH :     We  don't really care why the chicken crossed the
road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or
not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle
ground here.
 Click here

 COLIN POWELL :    Now  to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
 Click here

 DR    SEUSS :     Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed
I've not been  told.
 Click here

 ERNEST  HEMINGWAY :    To die in the rain. Alone.
 Click here

 GRANDPA :    In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. 
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
 Click here

 JOHN  LENNON :    Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.
 Click here

 ARISTOTLE :    It  is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
 Click here

 BILL  GATES :      I   have just released eChicken2008, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important doc*ments, and 
balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of
eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will  never
cra...#@&&^(C%   .........
 Click here

 ALBERT  EINSTEIN :   Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the
road move beneath the chicken?
 Click here

 BILL  CLINTON :     I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What is your definition of chicken?
 Click here

 COLONEL   SANDERS :     Did I miss one?
 Click here

 DICK  CHENEY :      Where's   my gun?
 Click here

 AL   SHARPTON :    Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
 Click here

 KEVIN RUDD:    I am so sorry that he had to cross the road, I apologise on
behalf of all Australians.
 Click here

 BRENDAN NELSON:   I too am sorry that the chicken crossed the road but
don't expect us to pay for him to get back!
 Click here

 JOHN DELLA BOSCA: I can assure the premier that I had not threatened the
chicken in any way, I have a statutory declaration to that effect.
 Click here

 BELINDA NEAL:  I never asked the chicken to change it's story !
 Click here

That's a Draw......
 Click here

 Click here

Rich men's world
 Click here

Edukation USA Style
 Click here

New Zealand National Anthem
 Click here

 Click here

You can now throw away your GPS, radar or magnetic compass.
Getting to where you want to go can now be achieved by using the new Two
Point Navigation System (TPNS).
TPNS does not require passing satellites or any power source and looks
attractive on any vessel.
Fitting TPNS is more than half the fun, as it can be mounted anywhere.
Join the growing band of happy navigators that find so much relief and
satisfaction in using the Two Point Navigation System
'Cause let's face it ...... no matter where your boat is headed, this
system shows you the way to where you REALLY want to go!  Hell you can
even just stay at the Marina!
 Click here
 (also available in  black)

The Things You Miss, When You Don't Go To Church
 Click here

Good Pictures
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

I want this speed bump on my street!
 Click here

Baby dancer at Ibiza LOL
 Click here

It's A Mushroom!
 Click here

 Click here

On the roof
 Click here

Kitty treadmill...
 Click here

Why the flight engineer does a pre-flight check in Texas
 Click here Click here

Ideal Woman - could be considered titillating
 Click here

I want one!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

New Type of Landscape - you can make a painting out of anything with a bit
of imagination
 Click here

Show me
 Click here

You broke it........
 Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

 Click here

The New Zealand Navy
 Click here

How to identify a d*ckhead in less than 60 seconds
 Click here

 Click here

Lunchtime at the Holden factory, Elizabeth SA.
 Click here

A topical contribution....
... couldn't resist this. I know it's original - I made it. -Riz from the
 Click here

How much trouble is the semi driver who hit this police car in?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Road Train vs Road Train - No one won.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

So how many points is that ?
 Click here

Say goodbye to rest of the day
 Click here

 Click here

10 unbelievable houses
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Why I Love British Newspapers CLASSIC!
 Click here Click here Click here

 Click here

World Youth Day 08 - There's always one!
 Click here

French Missile Success...........
 Click here

Go Racing
 Click here

God IS Great!
 Click here


Back to some text stuff with a bunch from Burnout

                                          Big Ben

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He
doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing
on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at
the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to
work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. 'Please
slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps
the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna
lose my license' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'the f**ing Pope is his chauffeur!'


                                        White Wine

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about
yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness
and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with a
regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you
from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover
many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with
White Wine.

White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing
should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or
becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic
lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss
of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration,
dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip
Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.



The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when
you are not.



The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and
over again that you love them.



The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.



The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! ~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~


The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse
with members of the opposite s*x without spitting.



The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people





An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry
the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly
there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters
that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married, so you came to
the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the
man's opinion. 'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that
you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed.' The farmer nodded and suggested the
man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. 'Well,'the man
replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...
cross-eyed.' The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see
if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, 'She's perfect, just
She's the one I want to marry' So they were wed right away . Months later
the baby was born. When the man visited the hospital he was horrified: the
baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his
father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty
of the parents.

'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you
could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her.


                           "YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF ....."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in
your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat.


A couple from Geoff

                                         New Wing

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their
hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists
advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists
yelled, 'Over my dead body, while the Pediatricians Said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists
could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to Wash their hands
of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to
swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists Felt the
scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea
was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the
end, the
Proctologists left the decision up to some as*hole in Administration.



A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a
woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are
all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer


From Moose

                                      Nature Study

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his
eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such
innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went
over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed
she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied, 'No dear, both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
lifted her foot and stomped them flat. 'Well, we're not having any of that
poofter sh*t in our garden' she said.


From Smithie of Sherwood Forest

                                      Nagging Wife

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From
morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about
something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing
with his old mule. He tried to plough a lot.

One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat
his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag,
nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her
smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old
farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old
farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women,
but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about
how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in
agreement."... "And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."


                                   They ain't kidding

The UK offers among the lowest quality of life in Europe despite residents
earning the highest incomes, according to research.

The price of fuel and other essential goods, below average spending on
health and education, short holidays and late retirement place the UK just
above Ireland at the bottom of the European quality of life

Although British families earn more than 10,000 more than the European
average, they pay the highest prices for diesel, 18% above the average,
and the second highest price for unleaded petrol, 6% more than average.
They also pay 49% more for gas and 5% more for electricity - the third
highest prices in Europe. UK spending on healthcare and education is below
European average while life expectancy is the third lowest at 78.9 years,
compared to 80.9 in France or 80.7 in Sweden. Workers have the third
highest retirement age and suffer the shortest holiday entitlement - a
week below average, according to the study. The weather adds to to the
grim tally, with
Britain receiving 80% less sunshine than Spain and 17% less than the
European average. A total of 41,026 residents left the UK in 2006, the
highest number in Europe, with total emigration increasing by 30% from the
UK since 2001.

The study assessed 19 factors to rank the UK in relation to nine other
major countries across Europe. Spain offers the best quality of life in
despite families earning an annual net income of just 16,789 - 8,500
below the average and less than half that of the UK. The country enjoys
low taxation, cheaper essential goods, higher than average life expectancy
and a generous holiday allowance, uSwitch said.

France came second, boasting the second highest spend on healthcare and the
highest holiday allowance at 40 days.


A quickie from Phantomjack

                                       IRISH JOKE

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door
neighbour's' dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". He
goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still
barking. What have you been doing?"

Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin' see how THEY like it !"


More from Stumpy Steve

This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness.

Someone who teaches at an Elementary in Thorsby forwarded the following
letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had
sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at
the lunch as a prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a
credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift

Dear Thorsby School: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your
recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the
Sunnybrook Assisted Home for the Aged. My family have all passed away and I
am alone so thank you for your kindness to a forgotten old lady. My
roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but she would never let
me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell
off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was
in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine but I told her to f*ck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.





In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the
Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the
concept explained any better than this .

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . .. . A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as
fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of
alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and
weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'



The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my
husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you  were my wife, I'd
drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends,  Sir," said
Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest  Hemingway).

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to  Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is
- Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E.

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford (one
flash & it's gone. ha)

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather
than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx



I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horse's

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible, and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never
be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man
who can't get his pants off.

Is it my imagination, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?


                                     Choosing A Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to
see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her
hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very
nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more an
attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the
money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a
joint account She tells him that she wants to save for their future because
she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest tits!

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky b**bs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.


Finally, a bit more from Whizzbang


A female, who shall remain nameless, took a vacation to France some years
ago with one of her girl- friends.

Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good trip. The wife
asked, "Would you like me to bring something back for you?"

The husband laughed and says, "How about a French girl!"

Our lady kept quiet, didn't respond and went into the terminal.

Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and asked, "So,
honey, how was the trip?"

"Really great, I loved Paris."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?"

"What I asked for.... the French girl?"

"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait nine months to
see if it's a girl."


                                  Irish joke of all time?

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a coastal village in
Ireland. Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy
iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice
works . He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at
a certain time.

Sadly Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a
faulty heart.

One day he failed to come home.  His wife contacted the Police to
investigate him missing .

They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt .

Beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.

Headlines next day in the Irish Times Newspaper.....................



Quote of the Week:

 "So much for the tens of thousands of scary reports earlier this year
  that the North Pole could melt clean away this summer. The
  Department of Atmospheric Sciences at the University of Illinois
  shows ice cover at the North Pole yesterday compared to the same
  day last year. And ice cover in the Southern Hemisphere is above
  the long-term average.

                                    Climate change sceptic - Andrew Bolt
                                            The Herald Sun (Melbourne)

              [ I like to give both sides a go ... which is often more
                than Rupert Murdoch's Herald Sun does ...    - Ed ]


[ End friday humour ]

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